Lunatic! Key Loss! Near Death! Arse-shagging!
When I was at University I was what is known as a Senior Resident. This meant that I had responsibility for the welfare of 134 first year students and was supposed to look after them; if they were homesick, lost their keys, needed referring to a university body for help, that sort of thing.

What I actually did was use this as a front for selling cannabis and ecstasy (and other substances to make the evening sparkle). Naturally this sort of behaviour introduces you to a wide circle of people, a number of who are pretty nutty.

Liz was such a one. Pretty enough (bar the brown teeth), nice and lucid (on the surface), and a little naive. Or so I thought. I thought her dim questions and nonsensical chatter were genuine, and enjoyed being seen as the fount of all knowledge (it doesn't happen often, sadly). Gradually though, it got wearing, and I began to tire of her company, selling to her then fucking her off without ceremony.

With hindsight, perhaps I shouldn't have been so mean as I now began to be seen as not only a funny drug-dealing older guy (by 3 years!), but as a funny drug dealing bastard. Apparently these are even more attractive. I banned her from my house after she kept "dropping in for a spliff", and then it really started.

Her keys began to get "lost" almost daily, and I would have to let her into her flat. She was increasingly touchy-feely in her thank you's and gradually got more and more frightening. I'd begun to suss she fancied me and that her keys were actually in her bag each time she reported them lost.

I told her I wouldn't let her in again, and then she began appearing in all my haunts. I like some iffy pubs, not 18 year old giggly student fare, but she kept appearing, like piles, but more irritating. She would come and sit with me, and try and chat to my friends and colleagues, oblivious to being told to fuck off. This couldn't continue, so I came up with a cunning plan.

Liz always wanted to come pout with us on a big one, so we let her. I knew she'd get overly fucked up on pills (as she'd try to keep up with us despite being a novice) and hoped the subsequent embarrassment would allow me to fob her off onto someone else. Those of you who know me will not be too surprised to hear that things didn't go entirely to plan.

She began by coming up hard, and puking all over Dan's bedroom. Then she began to dance, and knocked over his plant pot. She was a nightmare in Insomniacz, then in the Howard she inadvertently got her tits out while taking off her jumper and left them exposed for a good ten minutes. Then she collapsed.

At this point, panic set in amongst the gang and they all turned to me. Ok, I thought, I sold the pills, I better sort her out. I revived her (one of my skills is rescuing the lives of fucked up punters), then, to teach her a lesson and wake her up (and for fun!), gave her a resounding slap across the face. She woke, rapidly, and stumbled home.

Problem solved, I thought, but no. Now I'd saved her fucking life, it seemed her devotion knew no bounds, and I had to shake her off, as you would a horny puppy. Eventually my mate Neil, seeing my distress, stepped into the breach. He somehow got chatting to her, then got her into bed and fucked her six ways from Sunday. Then over the next few weeks she started to pursue him with similar vigour...

Eventually, to end things, he took some photos while shagging her up the bum, and threatened to post them round Uni if she didn't fuck off. Finally, we were free of Liz...
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 1 Feb 2008, 12:25, 40 replies)

is it just me
or are you a totally abusive cunt. and you think this is funny.
(bollox, not again, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 12:30, closed)

Hold on,
I was getting stalked by a loon who couldn't take no for an answer, took the only remedy I could see, and got shot of her, thus restoring my mental health and sanity (both of which were being chipped away at).

There's nothing funny about stalking.

Quite frankly, my friend's actions were reprehensible, but it's true, and relevant to the question, and it saved him from her.

It is funny now, looking back on it.

Now fuck off back under your rock, you cunt. I've never abused anyone, but if I meet you I'll give it a good fucking go! Mainly because of your horribly tedious and unimaginative QOTW answers - honestly, it's easy to see why you've never had a Best Of.

PS Are you Liz, using a pseudonym?

Love and kisses

xx
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 1 Feb 2008, 12:37, closed)

Fan
tastic :)
( dan j what the buggery bollocks is this?, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 12:46, closed)

Absolute class
Can't think of a better way to get rid of fruitcakes like that.
( Stu71 ....bad money dies, I love the scene, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 12:49, closed)

Reprehensible throughout
My guessing is she was a lonely 18 year old girl away from home for the first time?

Sounds as if you loved every bit of the attention then abused a young girls trust. And selling her drugs you knew she couldn't handle must go against some fucked up dealers ethics to begin with.

In total agreement with the previous post.

Anyone clicking I like this needs to check their moral position, unless of course this story is all a twisted fantasy.
(Peacocke, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 13:18, closed)

@Peacocke...
Dear, oh dear.

(Nice to see you again, 'Prone!)
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 13:24, closed)

Eh!
How on earth did your friend take pics of a girl while shaggin her up the bum so that they were obviously pics of her and did she not think it strange he was doing this.
( girlinthehole, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 13:32, closed)

BGB
Surely you've taken intimate photos with a partner before... I can describe the position if you wish...

@ Peacocke... Looking at your answers you don't seem to be a positive kind of guy... surely as a No-mark you're jealous of those with stories... do you want therapy for these issues?

And re ethics - over 18s are responsible for their actions...
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 1 Feb 2008, 13:36, closed)

To the two naysayers...
Fuck's sakes, this is QOTW! Lighten up, or fuck off.

As for what disasterprone did, yes it was a bit bastardly, but desperate times call for desperate measures, no?

Incidentally, the Howard in Sheffield, I assume?
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 1 Feb 2008, 13:46, closed)

Disasterprone dear!
I don't even like my photo taken clothed, never mind naked and with a penis attached. I can understand the logistics but I can't understand her allowing it unless with a long term partner. Mind you, you did say she was cray.
( girlinthehole, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 13:55, closed)

Sheffield
If it was Sheffield, would your real initals be GP? My mate GP was a student at Sheffield and has similar tales as he too had a mate called Dan, sold substances to students and occasionly took advantage of females.

If it is you, you left your weed at my house on Boxing day. It was rather nice!
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 13:56, closed)

I like
Have a click cos i'm morally dubious
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 13:57, closed)

Fuck me, what is this?
Just how many Sheffield b3tans are there??

If you're all still there... there is a bash on the 23rd of Feb at the Howard!
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 1 Feb 2008, 14:00, closed)

I was in The Howard on Saturday
and had a thoroughly lovely time with the girl I'm seeing...

And for Peacocke (or Littlecocke)'s benefit, yes, she's young, yes, she's cute and no, I don't need to take advantage her...

I live far from Sheffield but will be up and down a lot to see her if you fancy a pint...

And no, my initials are not GP

More of my stories (all twisted and truthful) at...

johnnyball.livejournal.com
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 1 Feb 2008, 14:13, closed)

yawn
on the evidence thus far you barely qualify as human;

the young girl in question was good enough for you to sell drugs to, but you do not seem to possess the human warmth to try and educate her.

you physically assaulted her after a 'collapse'

your friend sexually abused her. sounds like borderline rape to me.

i spend my working life helping unfortunates like her pick up the pieces of their lives, all she wanted it would seem is to belong, and was guilty of being naive, a huge crime in your world it seems.

and yes, you would be welcome to try and abuse me, once i've cut your bollocks off and fed them to you.

love n stuff
(bollox, not again, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 14:20, closed)

Dude,
Stalking someone for 6 months is a crime! It's stressful and fucking annoying. If you need to belong despite not being welcome, find people who like you! I have a large group of friends, and a significant number of people who loathe me. Do I try and hang out with people who hate me? Do I fuck!

Any customers are good by the way, as it pays the bills... I'm now a pro salesman, and dislike most of those that pay my humungous wages!

If people can't manage their lives it's their problem... and sadly they cost successful taxpaying professionals money paying monkey-nurses like you to wipe their arses for the.

Rape? Don't be so fucking stupid and offensive.

Physical abuse? A slap round the face revives the unconscious.

Now, son, be a good little Guardian reader and fuck off. If you don't like tales of poor taste might I recommend you read the Spectator.

Hugs
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 1 Feb 2008, 14:24, closed)

"Anyone clicking I like this needs to check their moral position"

*click*

I'd have done worse.
( cs1ca, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 14:24, closed)

I presume
that she wasn't in a terribly moral position while she was being photographed.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 15:08, closed)

No,
but I presume she was chemically unaware of what was happening, certainly if the cunt in question was prepared to blackmail her to please his drug dealer mates.
(Peacocke, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 15:36, closed)

This is fairly amusing
A person playing the internet hardman also freely admits to rubbing one out over Maggie Thatcher...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 1 Feb 2008, 15:37, closed)

maggie
pistonbloke - and you havn't?
(bollox, not again, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 16:01, closed)

bye bye little man.
disasterprone, your text reeks of sociopathy. professional liars, sorry salespeople often display these traits whilst being superficially charming. but i have said all i care to. we both realise this is essentially a meaningless, anonymous internet pissing contest.
oh, and by the way, current medical practice would advise against the slapping of an unconscious person. if another young woman is unfortunate enough to overindulge in your presence just check her airway and put her in the recovery position, then call the big boys from our ambo service to sort your mess out for you. it's ok, it's free.
(bollox, not again, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 16:18, closed)

I'm with Disasterprone on this one!
Stalkers are a pain in the arse!
Maybe it wasn't the nicest way of getting rid but it got the job done and no one was harmed in the end. Well Done!
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 16:29, closed)

No, I haven't
Because I'm not a dysfunctional Tory loving halfwit, that's why. Fuck off to somewhere else.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sat 2 Feb 2008, 0:44, closed)

Yay!
Let's all lay into DisasterProne. He's witch! Burn him, burn him!!!

Sorry mate, but it makes a pleasant change for the moral minority to be laying into someone who's not me.

So come on everyone! Bollox? - you get the pitchforks, Peacoke? - you get the burning brands, Muskuo? you get the whips and chains (we all know you've some lying about somewhere...)...




Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 2 Feb 2008, 0:51, closed)

Another Sheffielder here
I think it's a great story. Go DisasterProne!
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sun 3 Feb 2008, 10:12, closed)

DP...
2 things...

1. Fucking BRILLIANT to have you back mate!

2. This post (and it's subsequent replies) have just served to remind me why we all missed you so much in the first place!

If only people would take the time to read your profile, they'd save themselves a shitload of embarrassment...

One of the defining moments of being a B3tard (in my humble opinion) is reading the likes of DP, Legless et al, understanding where the fuck they're coming from and why they respond the way they do...Also, occasionally being on the arse end of one of their literal kickings really adds to the fun...

Give! 'em! Hell! Disasterprone!

(and no, I'm not a stalker...I just know talent when I read it.....and I'm pissed)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Sun 3 Feb 2008, 19:20, closed)

great story
really great stuff as usual.
Wish I'd thought of the dirty photo angle to get rid of weirdo's....might have to try that.


too bad about the holier-than-thou's......some people need to get a sense of humor......or a life
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Mon 4 Feb 2008, 1:40, closed)

Good Story
definately worth a click, made all the more interesting by replies :D

(another sheffielder btw)
( MadAdamUk was last alive on, Mon 4 Feb 2008, 4:39, closed)

Fuck me, this has provoked some fun!
No,
but I presume she was chemically unaware of what was happening, certainly if the cunt in question was prepared to blackmail her to please his drug dealer mates.
(Peacocke, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 15:36, Ignore)

You really are a bit dim, dude. At no point in the tale do I suggest my mate took photos after a date rape drug. He merely shagged her. Then got stalked, then shagged her a few more times, and after dumping her and having her as a shadow he came up with a way of getting shot of her.

No-one was blackmailing her to drug-dealer mates, merely saying "Get the message and fuck off".

In the same way I'm telling you (with evident support from most b3tans) to "Get the message and fuck off." I doubt my story (which is true) is any less tasteless than Bollox (apt name!)'s Maggie Thatcher thing. You daft cunts...

You've failed to amuse despite your efforts to anticipate the sickness of the board and are now evidently trying your best to antagonise others. Dude, you're a cunt. Fuck off and have some adventures, then come back, post, make us all laugh and regain some credibility.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 4 Feb 2008, 11:54, closed)

I suggest
we burn DP at the stake, then we hang, draw and quarter him. After all he did sell drugs and what he did was totally against her will...

No wait, he just did what most people have done in their lives and acted with a bit too much enthusiasm in a given situation.
I'm pretty new here (and had a few beers tonight) and I can say in all honesty that I've been a bastard at times but I've (hopefully) learned form the experience.

I'm still getting the B3ta humour but hey, if you don't like it you can always click ignore.

Again, Fuck Karma.
Laters
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Tue 5 Feb 2008, 0:05, closed)

Johnny come latelty
I have refrained from adding fuel to the fire here, but Disasterprone has managed to write a classic post in the style of b3ta which wins him a click from me.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 5 Feb 2008, 11:36, closed)

Yawwwnnn
Just curious as to why someone with so much money, influence and friends was still living in halls after the first year?
(Peacocke, Tue 5 Feb 2008, 13:31, closed)

Good to see your literacy hasn't deserted you
When I was at University I was what is known as a Senior Resident. This meant that I had responsibility for the welfare of 134 first year students and was supposed to look after them; if they were homesick, lost their keys, needed referring to a university body for help, that sort of thing.

What I actually did was use this as a front for selling cannabis and ecstasy (and other substances to make the evening sparkle).

Students in their first year are a captive market with loads of cash and being a Uni employee affords a certain amount of protection from the law.

Does that satisfy you?
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 5 Feb 2008, 14:25, closed)

Completely Satisfied
There was me thinking that no one would be prepared to share accomodation with you outside the secure confines of University campus. How wrong I was.
(Peacocke, Tue 5 Feb 2008, 14:40, closed)

It would seem so...
Hey, is this a veiled attempt to get a date?

Sorry, but I'm taken.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 5 Feb 2008, 15:38, closed)

Shit
Busted, hahahahaha
(Peacocke, Tue 5 Feb 2008, 15:44, closed)

Hmm...
Last time I checked, QOTW had an obvious, unwritten rule therein morality was thoroughly checked at the door.

Yes, the post might be in less than good taste, but I'll not deny laughing at it a little, and the few who didn't? Don't read it again. The 'ignore' option is there so you don't have to read 'such reprehensible filth'.

Honestly, you'd think Jeremy Kyle was spawning clones somewhere in the South-East.
(HomeWithTheDownies A towering inferno of penisy pleasure, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 1:53, closed)

Muskuo?
Nobody seems to spell my nickname right. Nevermind.

Legless has me blocked anyway, so he won't see my reply. But it might console him to know I'm not going to hit disasterprone with moral outrage. Going by his QOTW answers, he seems like someone I wouldn't want to know personally (he doesn't seem to have a life outside of getting smashed off his tits on drugs and alcohol), but if that's the way he wants to live his life, more power to him. As he points out, adults are resonsible for their own actions.

And as for Liz. Nobody forced her to keep buying or coming back to him. If Disasterprone was nasty to her, that makes him a dick. But if she keeps coming back for more of the same, that makes her an idiot (or a masochist). My sympathy is rather muted.

PS: Legless, I keep them in the cellar. Wanna come and see them? ;)
(Musuko, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 16:04, closed)

Musuko
A well thought out post, well done. You've successfully distinguished my being a bit of a bastard when pushed from the suggestion I'm a drug-pushing rapist!

Consequently, despite my friendship with Legless, and the pictures he sent me of you, I'm not going to take the piss out of you for looking as though you have a broomstick up your arse.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 7 Feb 2008, 11:50, closed)