In Amsterdam
a skinny young chap sidled up to me and muttered, 'Have sex with me?'

'Ugh no! Why would I want to have sex with YOU?'

He frowned, shook his head, and said more clearly, 'Hash, ecstasy?'

Of course I made my excuses and walked on.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sat 11 Jul 2015, 10:55, 2 replies)

I used to notice one guy who was always in our street
always going somewhere and usually wearing some kind of moulded, figure-hugging keep-fit gear with a vaguely futuristic look that reminded me of The Operative, the villain from out of Serenity, so I used to refer to him offhand as "that Firefly guy". After we'd been there a while, I started seeing him everywhere, at the corner shop, on my bus in the mornings and always going past while I was tending the front garden. My front garden is the best on the street, incidentally. Two or three times a week people will stop and compliment me on it, mums will point it out to their children and the little old lady who lives on the corner will stop and have the same conversation she had with me last week about it. I digress a bit, but this gets relevant later.

So a couple of weeks ago I was out in the front garden with the missus - she was tending her hanging baskets, I was weeding and the cat was stretched out on the lawn, being a cat. I was bending down, mercilessly slaughtering baby dock leaves by the dozen when I heard in a high pitched voice from behind me:

"Boobie boobie boo! Boobie boobie boo!"

The fuck, I thought, and turned around to find Firefly guy bending over the wall and talking to our cat. "You are beautiful, boobie boobie boo! What's your name, boobie boobie boo?"

The missus looked at me. "Uh, he's called Charlton," I said. "He's, um, our cat." Firefly guy looked away and walked off down the street. "So that's Firefly guy," I said to the missus.

Later, we were chatting to our neighbour over the fence - she's lived in the street for 18 years and knows everyone, in fact I think she was telling us about the phantom shitter at the time - and the missus asked about Firefly guy. "Oh him, he's a psychopath," she said. She went on to tell us that he'd left unsolicited gifts outside her flat, he was especially weird around her children and animals, and eventually she'd had to ask her husband to tell him not to come around any more. Oh, and he's really into Transformers. Gah, I thought. There's no way I can avoid conversation with him. I see him everywhere, he's certainly seen me in a Decepticon T-shirt and my car is an Autobot, for Pete's sake. Small children tap it to see if he'll wake up.

So I spent the next week or so completely avoiding Firefly guy in any way I could. I took an earlier bus, I started working on the back garden more, or I'd watch for him and then go out and do stuff in the front garden once he'd passed. But I got sloppy; one time I was out in the front garden and he walked past and as I straightened up from planting a petunia he was right there. "Lovely work," he said.

"Thanks," I said, and the minimum required conversation done, went back to doing something else. "Keep it up," he said and then went on his way. And then just this Sunday, he saw me in the front garden again, and we had the exact same conversation. Except that time he felt compelled to add: "No bonsai trees, though." I wasn't sure how to take that, so I said "No, not yet," then turned away to do, again, literally anything else.

Yesterday morning I was up early and having a cup of tea in the front room with the curtains drawn when I heard a little noise outside the window about quarter past six. Thinking it was the cat wanting to be let in, I blearily pulled the curtain back to see Firefly guy disappearing up the front path. I don't know what happened after that because I was hiding behind the sofa in case he saw me. When I was sure the coast was clear, I went outside and had a look at the front garden.

In the middle of the table on the patio, was a potted bonsai tree.

It's actually still there. I don't know where he lives, otherwise I'd take it back and firmly refuse his kind but creepy offer.

TL:DR; I've attracted a weird stalker who's leaving me presents. Minimal sci-fi references.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 22:13, 5 replies)

There's a bloke with a vaguely Welsh accent who hangs around Leeds station
Asking for help for the train fare to Cardiff.

He's been there for at least 20 years so he's either a very unsuccessful beggar, or he's not too serious about getting to Cardiff.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 19:46, 4 replies)

first voat qotw is now up.
voat.co/v/b3ta/comments/245623
It's like on here but you get to see how many people like you, plus you get the ability to downvote people who you don't like irregardless of the quality of their stories!
(PsychoChomp, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 19:30, 37 replies)

A terrific chap called Sean hailing from Cork managed a terrific bit of Hammersmith King Street street life.
He parked his cheap, Ireland registered Ford Escort van on King Street at 4am one week day morning and went to his aunt's flat.
He was woken up by his aunt about 2 hours later and she asked where he was parked (he was new to driving in London and parking law) and he said on King Street. She said there was loads of Babylon on King Street, with weapons and the bomb squad. Sean had created a lot of attention by being parked the wrong way on the one way system, on the double reds and the sniffer dogs had detected explosives. All this about a month after the IRA attack on Hammersmith Bridge.
Well Sean managed to calm the situation when he met the 1iC of the operation and they didn't destroy his van. He did pay his fines. The dogs were correct he did have explosive charges, the ones to power his nail gun which as a rather fantastic joiner he is allowed.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 18:59, 1 reply)

"got 20p for the bus mate?"
This is the cry of Hull, from pikey looking kids to cider soaked derros, you will hear this soon on arriving in the city.

One particular incident of this springs to mind. A guy was standing outside a Sainsbury asking everyone who came in or out for bus money.

This I thought was especially brazen as one; no busses came down that road. And two; there was a wanted poster of him in the same shop window.

GBH, ABH and arson if you were wondering.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 18:11, 1 reply)

I used to live in the part of Southampton recently the subject of 'Immigration Street'.

One day, I was walking back from the corner shop with a friend when we encountered the couple of junkie prostitutes who hung around on the corner. My friend was in the habit of stopping and talking to these ladies, for reasons best known to himself. This time he was drinking from a carton of milk, and one of the ladies asked for a swig - he was a friendly guy, so he let her have one, and her friend had one too.

After the usual "sorry, I'm broke, bye" we resumed our walk, and I got my chance to wonder out loud where those nice lady mouths had been in the last couple of hours.

The look on his face as he spat out the milk and started retching into a hedge - that's the funniest thing I've seen on the street.
( Zuowan, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 16:33, 2 replies)

Leyton
I got propositioned by a lady of the night for sex for money so she could buy drugs. She asked right outside a full bus stop with 30 people waiting to commute home. They were all looking. She must have asked every bloke there.

I walked away thinking "I must look rich enough to pay for sex".

Then 20 steps later I thought "I look desperate enough to pay for sex".
(waxdart hello., Fri 10 Jul 2015, 15:47, 2 replies)

Small town, smallr town
A friend visited family in a nearby small town. He got there early so went for a bit of a walk.

A Very young girl offered him oral sex in exchange for cigarettes. So young and so blatant, his instant reaction was that this must be some kind of sting operation. Not the sort of thing he was expecting in a small country town. "Ermm... No. Anyway, you look too young to smoke".

Eventually the rest of the family gets home after school and work and he gets to meet his 13yo cousin for the first time for the second time in one day.
(xixax, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 14:25, 6 replies)

contrast
Went to San Fransisco and saw a begger pretty much dying in the gutter, then a limousine drove past.
(nattydread, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 13:31, 2 replies)

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 11:31, 3 replies)

It's the only life I know

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 11:31, Reply)

Everywhere I go I get slandered, libeled
I hear words I never heard in the Bible
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 11:27, 5 replies)

When I was about 18 or 19...
...my first job was working security/front desk up in Soho in the mid 90s, running errands and stuff. One day was walking through the other side of Walker's Court when a sweet old lady in a pink coat came up to me, blue rinse, the works. She looked a bit like the Queen Mum.
"Excuse me? Young man! Hello dear"
"Yes hello, can I help?" Perhaps she was lost, what a sweet old lady with a nice crinkly smile.

Quick as a snake, she grabbed my hand and started stroking it, then pulled my face towards hers and, rattling her false teeth in her mouth with a slosh and a whistle, said: "I'll suck your cock for a fiver."
( dysonology "You get an 'ology', you're a scientist!", Fri 10 Jul 2015, 10:24, 5 replies)

The drug dealer who lived opposite
got stabbed one weekend, and was away for a couple of days in hospital.

When he came back from hospital, he was very upset because someone had broken into his flat (naturally, since he made no secret of the fact he had drugs and money in there). He came out into the street around midnight, and started shouting as loud as he could that he was going to find out who had robbed his stuff and then he was going to murder them.

Someone called the police. As soon as they pulled into the road, he went back into his flat and refused to come out, so they drove off.

Then he came out of his flat and started shouting again about how he was going to find out which of us fuckers had called the police on him, then he was going to murder us.

Police came back. As soon as they pulled into the road, he went back into his flat and refused to come out, so they talked to him through the door a bit and then drove off.

Then he came out of his flat and started shouting again about how he was going to kill us all. How no one could mess with him. He was a cold blooded killer and we were like slugs to him. People thought they could steal his stuff and call the police on him. He didn't care about any of us. One day we'd see, except we wouldn't because he'd probably have killed us before then.

Police came back. As soon as they pulled into the road, he went back into his flat...

At this point I just put my headphones on with some soothing music on repeat and went to sleep in the kitchen at the other side of the building.

I love living in London. It's so exciting.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 10:03, 4 replies)

Once saw an old lady drop her kecks
and do a shit in the middle of the street.

Was on the Isle of Wight though so not very peculiar.
( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 9:40, Reply)

Mike Skinner

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 9:38, Reply)

He don't, hang around with the gang no more,
He don't do the wild things that he did before

He used to act bad, used to but he quit it.
It makes me so sad, Cause I know that he did it for me,
cant you see I can see
he's still in the street his heart, Out in the street.

He don't comb his hair like he did before,
He don't wear those dirty old black boots no more,
Well he's not the same, something that his kissing
that tells me he's changed, know that somethings missing inside.
Something died, Still in the Street
His heart, Out in the Street.

He grew up on the sidewalk, Streetlight shining above,
He grew up with no one to love.
He grew up on the sidewalk, he grew up running free,
He grew up and then he met me.

He don't, hang around with the gang no more,
He doesn't smile like he did before.

I wish I didn't care, I wished Id never met him,
They're waiting out there, I know I got to set him free,
He's gotta be Out in the Streets
His heart, Out in the Street.

He don't hang around with the gang no more Out in the Street
He don't hang around with the gang no more Out in the Street
He don't hang around with the gang no more Out in the Street
He don't hang around with the gang no more Out in the Street ...
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 9:34, Reply)

A large truck and several men in high-viz orange tabards, all busy staying about from my bins.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 9:28, Reply)

It's the only life I know.

( Pig Bodine., Fri 10 Jul 2015, 9:25, Reply)

That's it. There was nothing else to show. Phew. This was hard.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 9:22, Reply)

He'

(Go Man River everybody loves anal, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 9:17, Reply)

fuck a horse

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 9:09, Reply)

Are you a Yankie?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 9:08, Reply)

turd

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 9:07, Reply)

He'

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 9:05, Reply)

SECOND!!!

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 9:03, Reply)