Almost forgot...
My friend was showing her boss how to use a new programme on the computer. She pointed to the computer and said "you need to open a new window".

Her boss got up and opened the window.

This woman is head of finance at a charity.
(allthatglittersisglitter, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 20:18, 3 replies)

Primary school, circa 1981...
a group of friends sat around a table discussing various situations and what our response would be.
One involved the rather hairy, huge and incredibly scary father of a fellow pupil chasing us, for some misdemeanor that escapes me.

"Stand my ground and fight," was one inexplicably macho response.

"No way! Are you mad?" was a more reasoned answer. "I'd get on my bike and run."
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 20:02, Reply)

Walking to the pub one night
my then girlfriend informed me she did not have hamstrings.
arriving at the pub, I told her to exercise those muscles she did not have and keep on walking.
(8allright is praying you've got a cold, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 19:52, Reply)

Didn't hang around long enough to argue with this one
Headlice eat shampoo. So I'm actually really clean.
(Malomadame God gave rock and roll to me, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 19:41, Reply)

The ex...
Tried to explain probability to him one day, because he'd never really quite understood it.

Me: "So.... We have a bag, and in it there are 9 red balls, and one blue ball. What is the probability that you pick a blue ball?"
Him: 1/2. Because you will either get a red ball or a blue ball.
(Malomadame God gave rock and roll to me, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 19:39, Reply)

"Black people can run fast
Because they have an extra muscle in their legs." I live in a somewhat rascist area so I wasn't surprised at hearing this from some white people. But to have black people believe it???
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 19:20, 5 replies)

The Torch
Father before oxygen deprivation from heart failure:
"I want a white torch so I can see it in the dark".

Ok, the moonlight picks up the white, I can find one. David CopAFeel and I return home with the closest we can find: a silver torch.

Father:
"But it's not white".
Me:
"I know but it's reflective, it will pick up the moonlight better".
Father:
"But it's not white".
Me:
"You can't get white anymore, your white torch is about 20 years old".
Father:
"But I like white".
Me:
"I know you like white, but you can like silver".
Father:
"It's not white?"
Me:
gritting my teeth "No. Not white. Silver. Closest to white".
Father:
"You know, I wanted white".
Me:
frustration rising "I did know that. We had a whole conversation about it. We've been talking about it now. You can't get white".
Father:
"But I like white".
Me:
"There's no white. There's silver. Blue. Black. Red. Purple. Gold. No white. NO WHITE!"
Father:
"Hmm, I'll have to get white".
Me:
stumbles off muttering and panicking that we share genes.

Just thinking about this discussion now, which went on for much longer than I've written here as otherwise people will have their brain trickle out their ears, makes me so tense I am gritting my teeth again and want to scream. Good god, I have some of his genes.
(Dog Bum Cute, wiggly, has scary anal glands, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 18:57, 4 replies)

Another ex one.
She completely refused, to the point of stamping her feet and visibly boaking, to drink water if it came from the bathroom tap. Water from the kitchen was fine, but bathroom water was dirty.

She also thought it was "minging" to put a spot of water into your tomato sauce to loosen up the last wee drop so you could get it out of the bottle.

Why she thought "council water" was ok from one tap but not another, or ok in tea or jelly but not mixed with sauce boggles my mind. I thought things like that were kind of cute, in a clinically insane kind of way.

She also used to call any television channel that wasn't sky (or freeview in those days) "council telly".
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 18:54, 22 replies)

Buying A Car
Oxygen-Deprived (from heart failure) Father to 'I Saw You Coming' Car Salesman:
"You don't really need a safety pack though do you? If you are a good driver, then you won't be in an accident will you?"
ISYC Car Salesman:
"That's right".

I'm not sure which is the more stupid.

Idiotic father bought the car.

It's the biggest lemon currently still operational.
(Dog Bum Cute, wiggly, has scary anal glands, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 18:50, Reply)

At the Vet
We took our wonderful, sweet, loving, gorgeous Irish Wolfhound X to the vet and she had to be rolled onto her back for part of the examination.
34yr old sister who is also a scientist:
"What's that?" (pointing)
Vet:
"Vagina"
People (us) struggle not to explode with laughter. Story is re-told for years. (This is the same sister who asked how Harold was, see Sigh).
(Dog Bum Cute, wiggly, has scary anal glands, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 18:36, 1 reply)

Sigh
Question from 49yr old sister to me:
"How is Harvey?"
Me:
"Who?"
49yr old sister:
"You know, David CopAFeel's brother in law".
Me:
"Ahhhhhh, you mean Harold?"
49yr old sister:
"Yes, how is he?"
Me:
"Still dead".
Other sister chokes and snorts with laughter.
(Dog Bum Cute, wiggly, has scary anal glands, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 18:33, 2 replies)

for years, i thought "i cant be arsed..." was "i can't be ASKED..."
which i didnt think sounded that bad. so i didnt understand why i kept getting told off.
(ladyintheradiator, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 18:33, 1 reply)

Actually..
This really is my last post for this particular QOTW. But I would just like to mention the ignorance of anyone who says 'aks' and not 'ask'.

It's not like its an uncommon word that's never pronounced correctly.

No I'm not being racist, I've heard plenty of chavs say it too.
( DeadEyeDick, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 18:27, 5 replies)

i once returned home
to find my mum hyperventilating with panic because she couldnt work out how to close the window on the computer
(ladyintheradiator, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 18:27, Reply)

It's not easy being green
My sister still remembers that I convinced her that you had to be 7 in order to drink 7UP (because it was only for age 7 and up, see?) All the more fizzy stuff for evil big sister LOL
(biscuitsocks random gene expression, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 18:21, Reply)

I was out of town at the weekend with the boyfriends daughter - he was paying us to do some work for him.
Me and her are at the bar one night, and I got in a round of beers and we each ordered a sandwich.

Her: I hope $25 covers it
Me: What? What did you order?????
Her: A sandwich
Me: Why do you think it's gonna cost $25
Her: I don't know how restaurants and bars work, dad always pays
Me: Yeah, but how much was your sandwich?
Her: $7.95.....will $25 be enough? I've never had to pay for anything myself before.....

Fucking kill me. Just kill me.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 18:11, 5 replies)

I used to have a friend...
who hated to be called ignorant. Then Morrisey brought out his album 'The Malady Lingers On', and my chum insisted it was pronounced, and indeed meant, 'M'Lady' - like that bloke off of Thunderbirds.


What could I say?
(El Fandango carved a big EF onto his nemesis' doublet on .., Mon 22 Mar 2010, 17:27, Reply)

Until I was 28
I thought that banoffee was a region in Italy.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 17:00, 2 replies)

Ignorance of socially acceptible behaviour
is something I'm now noticing in the younger generation, being a couple of years into my thirties.

At our local petrol station, they operate a strict "no more than two schoolkids at any one time" policy, presumably to stop the spotty, thieving little shits making off with anything that isn't bolted down.

This has led, unfortunately, to a group of them standing waiting their turn to get into the shop (why they want to pay petrol station prices for crisps and irn bru is beyond me), usually around the time I am making my way, late as usual, to my college course.

They seem to think that the closer they can get to the door the better, so usually form an immovable mass of sweaty, giggling pus. A few months ago I was faced with the prospect of pushing my way through them to get into the shop, actually having to split two of them apart as they were snogging each other right at the door. On my way back out, Romeo and his bird were still voraciously trying to eat each other, while one of their companions had sat down on the ground and stretched his legs across the full length of the doorway. With nowhere else to go, I stepped over him, only to hear him tut and mutter "fuck's sake."

I'm not sure if he was the more ignorant or if it was me, does a 32 year old man calling a thirteen year old boy a "fucking little cunt" qualify?

I was in a hurry.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 16:48, 6 replies)

And (cup) finally..
An example of my own ignorance.

Years ago, back in 93 I was going out with a lovely girl (let's call her Natasha) whose Dad happened to be a massive Gooner - so much so he had three season tickets. On the day of the Coca Cola cup final
(vs Sheffield Wednesday) he had a spare going and I was asked if I would like to join them. Great, I had only ever been to one footie game in my life (Barnet when I was 6 since you ask) and the chance to go to a cup final was hard to resist, no matter who was playing.

Quite a dull opening half, as I remember it. The half time whistle blew. Natasha says to me - 'Right get your stuff we have to move now'.

Eh? She explained - 'Well you know at half times the team change ends? Well, we have to as well'. She'd been to a few matches in her time so I picked up my bag, jacket and started to head to the exit.

Oh how she laughed at me. Cow.

Length? 45 minutes each way with extra time.
( DeadEyeDick, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 16:43, 1 reply)

Fred, Fred, He's got one leg.
A work colleague's wife could best be described as special. One evening they were discussing another colleague called Fred. Now Fred only had one leg, but that didn't stop him carrying CRT monitors round the office, for he was the tech support. This is a rough transcript of the conversation...

Geoff: "Fred delivered my new PC today"
Marcie: "How did he carry it?"
Geoff: "Erm, under his arm, how did you think?
Marcie: "Dunno"
Geoff: "Fred doesn't let the one leg thing get in the way. Did you know he cycles to work?"

After around a minute digesting this ...

Marcie: "Has he got a unicycle?"
(bekowsquap Was raptured on, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 16:41, Reply)

People who use 'lol' in place of punctuation.
appologies fore length lol
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 16:29, 5 replies)

Mrs Vagabond can be very ignorant.
For example, the other day in the kitchen, I was explaining to her how lucky she was to have met me, and eschewing the delights for her of living with such a marvellous example of humanity, when, just as I got to a particularly good bit where I was describing in detail one of the more brilliant aspects of my character - or it may have been my technique in bed, perhaps - I was stunned to find that she'd actually left the room, gone to the living room and was searching the network for one of her favourite television programmes!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 16:21, Reply)

My Mum
Bless her, has grasped the communication potential of text and email and has been regularly using them to send me missives at every opportunity.

In the beginning, she used to end every communique with LOL. After a while of this ('Your grandma died this morning LOL','Your Dad fell down the stairs last night. LOL' etc..) I got a bit disturbed, and asked her if she knew what it meant.

'Of course I do dear - it means Lots Of Love'.

I set her straight once I had LMAO and ROFL'd for a bit.
( DeadEyeDick, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 16:17, 10 replies)

My friend
is always trying to get one over on me. This is he of the "Gravity is caused by earth spinning" and "Tides not affected by the moon" arguments. I think he sees me as some sort of big brain, and any occasion when he can get one over on me is a celebrated victory.

Like the time he asked "What does DVD stand for?". I replied digital video disk, to an immediate "HA! NOOOOO! Digital versatile disk. It's versatile VERSATILE not video HAH!"

And he was right too. One nil.

He works as an MOT tester in a local garage, a responsible and highly skilled job , but at this time he was only just starting out on the road to attaining his lofty position. One night, over a kebab, the fateful question came. "Do you know what M.O.T. stands for?"

At the time, I genuinely didn't as anything more than what colour a car is and does it go is beyond where I lose interest.

"HAH! Test of motoring!"

Now, I'm no Clarkson, but you don't have to be an expert to spot the flaw in that explanation. But no! I was again wrong!

"It's test of motoring. They changed it from T.O.M. because that sounds like Tom, and they didn't want it to be someone's name."

One-all. Tie break situation. I reckon the guys at his work were doing a bit of leg pulling. I'm sure he knows now that it's Ministry of Transport, but I won't dredge it up unless the DVD thing resurfaces.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 16:06, 12 replies)

Fun fun fun on the autobahn...
I was with my new boss (a yank, if it matters) the other week driving back in a hire car from Strasbourg to Munich, when the Hertz rented sat nav crapped out on us for the fith or sixth time. Ironically, the system is named by Hertz as the 'Neverlost' system, which when I saw it for the first time rang alarm bells... I thought 'That's a pretty bold thing to call a sat nav'..

So we missed our exit. My boss kept his foot down oblivious to the fact we could just possibly be hurtling further and further away from our intended destination.

'It's alright' he says. 'I know where we are going I've seen loads of signs for it, we'll pick it up again soon'. Turns out we were headed, at a rate of knots, for the mystical city of 'Ausfahrt'.

I found it particularly difficult to educate my new boss without showing him up that Ausfahrt is German for 'exit ramp'.
( DeadEyeDick, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 16:03, 6 replies)

University Material
I woked behind a bar part time in the holidays my student days back in the late 90s.
One girl who also worked there was as think as 2 short proverbials (on her first day a customer asked for half a lager and half a coke - he got one murky pint glass) casually announced she wouldn't be around next week as she was off to university.
After the bemused stares had gone on for a while, one regular asked the question, "What are you taking?"

"Oh, just a couple of suitcases!", was her reply
( Weetobix, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 15:57, 2 replies)

I've been racking my brains
trying to recall some of the glaring howlers that either I or anyone I know have come out with over the years, and am astounded this one slipped my mind for so long.

The ex Mrs Bag was prone to quite a few brain-farts while we were together, so much so that most of them have been lost in the mists of time. There was one occasion, however, when we were celebrating getting through another year without killing each other, and we decided to pay a visit to a local chinese restaurant.

The waiter came and took our order, and being the adventurous culinary explorer that I am I ordered the tomato soup followed by chicken fried rice. My ex's order was (slightly) more adventurous but not much, Barbecue spare ribs followed by sweet and sour chicken.

The starters arrived. I was slurping down my soup as my ex guzzled away at her first rib, when I said "I never thought you'd have liked them, I know how squeamish you are about your food sometimes."

"What do you mean?". She looked puzzled.

"Well, they're ribs aren't they? Pigs ribs."

"Pfffffft. Shut up, no they aren't."

She genuinely believed spare ribs was just some sort of brand name, although quite what part of the animal she thought she was eating, or what the inedible bone bit was I still have no idea. She'd always loved spare ribs, but she sat and poked at them with a fork after that and refused to eat them.

It is to my continued pride that at this point I remembered what her main meal was, and I piped up "Oh. Don't worry about the next course though....... chicken balls aren't named after the bit you're eating."

She didn't laugh either.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 15:46, 1 reply)

dinosaurs...
My mum sometimes feels im too scientific.... so every so often when im trying to explain some random science experiment (im currently a science student) to her she declares she doesnt believe in evolution and that all the dinosaurs we find are planted there my scientists in a bid to prove god doesnt exist and control us.... /facepalm....
(Serbitar Has a furry shit canon called Whitey., Mon 22 Mar 2010, 15:45, 2 replies)