Old one and not mine but fits the topic I say.
"What the fuck is wtf?"
(Archeleus hates cabbage, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 8:29, Reply)

Years ago...
Walking back home with my mate, he tried convincing me that Welsh was actually the queen's English...
( snee held his breath since, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 8:28, Reply)

Music selection
Me: Hey which's the best band?
Sam (name changed): Linkin park, man you should hear the their new song. EPIC.

*bangs head repeatedly against a wall*

P.S - Same guy called Led Zeppelin as a "very sucky band that repeats their tunes".
(Archeleus hates cabbage, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 8:20, 4 replies)

Taking advantage of the wife's dippyness;
during her stints on Facebook she'd randomly ask me to spell something.

Mrs Jeccy "How do you spell yacht?"
Me, bored "T-W-A-T.."
Mrs Jeccy "No, there's no W in it..."
Me, grinning "Sorry, T-W-A..."
Mrs Jeccy "Cmon, how'd you spell it?"

Kept this up for 5 minutes before she twigged. It's stuff like this that prevents divorce :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 8:08, 2 replies)

My mum
Will not use a microwave; refuses to pick up a mobile phone, and won't have a cordless phone in the house. Because they're really dangerous.
And she likes the Daily Mail.
( Proboscisface wrong sounding muppet, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 7:49, 3 replies)

Banzai
Mrs Mudskipper's grasp of 20th century history is somewhat slight. We switched on the TV once, part-way through a Hitlery Channel doco showing kamikazes attacking US warships.
Mrs Mudskipper gasped "Didn't they care how dangerous that was, crashing into ships? People could have got hurt."
I was struck mute.
(mudskipper, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 7:40, Reply)

4WD anyone?
Or how about the time I tried to explain to my ex-missus the concept of 4WD, and that not all cars are 4-wheel-drive.

Apparently she didn't get the concept of 4WD versus 2WD.

Her rebutle was "Honey, 2WD applies to motorbikes, 4WD applies to cars. It's that simple. I don't know who those marketing people are trying to fool!"

I tried to demonstrate the logic by borrowing a mate's remote controlled car and showing her how the rear drive wheels work at propelling the car forward and back.

"Yes, that's just a toy. It runs on batteries. They have to make the wheels spin like that. Cars run on petrol hence they go by themselves."

It was a short relationship.
(DougQuaid Get ya azz to moars..., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 7:28, Reply)

Ignorant school teachers
I'd like to make it known that I was born in Poland, but have lived in Australia for 29 of my 31 years on this earth.

Way back when I was in grade 4 (I was about 10 at the time) I was quizzed by one of the "teachers" about my country of birth.

Upon replying that I was born in Poland, she then asked, "Oh, Poland? That's right next to Holland isn't it?"

"Yes it is." says I. "Just like Australia is next to Austria."

"Oh yeah, right, near New Zealand". She replies.

Bless the Australian education system.
(DougQuaid Get ya azz to moars..., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 7:21, 2 replies)

Random sun
Driving early one morning on a deserted motorway, my wife came out with a classic.

"That is really weird, the sun keeps moving about in the sky"
'What are you dribbling on about you remmer?'
"Well, a bit ago it was on my side, then it was on your side, now it is on my side again"

In her mind, motorways are laser straight. The thought that the road had curved had never even entered her head.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 7:00, Reply)

Rivers
I met this man once who insisted that he was on a boat going up the longest river in africa called, he said, the amazon.
He was in denial.

Boom-Boom!
(pancorjack, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 6:53, Reply)

An In Joke Before It Was An Out Joke
In early 2002, I was at university in London. At the start of one of the courses, the lecturer asked us all to introduce ourselves (the usual getting to know each other bullshit) and say something about our life.

My friend on the course (we had bonded over a shared taste in comedy) decided to quote from 'The Office', specifically where Gareth, in a similar 'team-building' environment at Wernham-Hogg was asked what his "ultimate fantasy" was.

"Two lesbians probably, sisters, I'm just watching."

However, at this point, 'The Office' was only one series, and hadn't really taken off. Also, the course was full of hip young London go-getters who had better things to do than watch BBC2 on weeknights.

So when my friend described his "ultimate fantasy" to the rest of the class, he was not greeted with the knowing chuckles that accompany a pop-culture reference smacked home.

Nooo. He was greeted by the ignorant silence of a room (more than half full of girls) who had just spent weeks reading up on Feminist theory.
(theremin put the lotion in the basket on, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 6:32, 2 replies)

A girl I used to work with
once said she was feeling good about that nights lottery, as the jackpot was low. When I asked her what she meant by that, she told me a low jackpot meant not many people had bought tickets, so she had more chance of winning.

I got into an argument with a friend once, he was convinced the sixteen hundreds and the sixteenth century were the same thing. He was doing a degree in history at the time. He got a first.

A lot of my students play basketball, if I ask them why they like it, they always say, because it makes me taller. I can't be bothered to talk to them about the difference between causality and correlation. My job is to teach them English, not basic logic.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 6:30, 4 replies)

The world Revolves Around Her
My missus was having a right strop on holiday one year, as she couldn't get the sun on both sides of her body at the same time.
So, I started to tell her how the Earth spins throughout the day, and as it spins, also orbits the sun, making the sun appear to move across the sky and causing shade where it didn't shine.
"Who told you that?" she retorted
"Well, teachers, books and my old man, when I was a young un" I replied
"Do you believe everything people tell you" She answered
Oh dear, time for more alcohol
(Zoot, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 5:30, 1 reply)

One Word
* CREATIONISTS *

Length... seven days supposedly :)
(bluetongue, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 5:10, 2 replies)

The broken lens
Many of the stories here are about stupidity rather than ignorance, so I'll follow suit and post a story I've been waiting a long time to share.

Back in the 90s my mate Pete worked for a company which provided coatings for various types of lenses. One of his workmates, named Gavin, was renowned for doing stupid things, so he spent most of his time working in the mailroom where he couldn't do much damage.

One day he was wrapping up a coated lens which had to be sent to Germany. Said lens was worth several hundreds of pounds, or at least it was before Gavin dropped it and it broke into four identical pieces. Fearful that this really would mean the sack this time, Gavin asked Pete and some of the others how he could get out of this. Simple, they said, just send it anyway and when the German company complains, claim it must have got broken in transit. A very grateful Gavin thanked them for saving his bacon and went off to complete the task.

A few days later Gavin was called into the boss's office. The conversation went something like this:

Boss: Gavin, our German client's just been on the phone. That lens you sent was broken into four pieces.
Gavin (smugly): Really? Must have got broken in transit then. Some of those delivery companies can be very careless and...
Boss: Gavin, if it really did get broken in transit, will you kindly explain to me why when it arrived, each of the four broken pieces was wrapped individually?
(eesnahk, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 5:04, 5 replies)

Pearoast

At one company I worked at there was a huge, high-profile, project that involved employing dozens of programmers from an out-sourcing company. Well, I say programmers but I actually mean people-pulled-off-the-street-and-poured-into-suits. To my jaundiced eye these "programmers" seemed to have very little programming skills and a breath-taking lack of knowledge of IT in general. So it was up to me to educate them.

"Hey Legless" squeaked one of the masses "What does TCP/IP actually stand for?"

Bear in mind that this was a web project they were working on. A web programmer didn't know what the very bones of the Internet stood for.

"That'll be Transmission Control Protocol/Internet Pixies" I lied smoothly.

He looked suspicious.

"Internet Pixies" he asked looking puzzeled

"Yup. You see the fathers of the Internet were a bunch of hippies so would name things out of Tolkien or from Dungeons And Dragons. I mean, you've heard of Unix Daemons? - Systems processes on Unix boxes? Well the Pixies carry the messages to the Daemons. It all makes a kind of weird sense when you think about it"

I was warming to my theme now.

"Then there's a bunch of other Pixies on the internet. Your dial up modem uses PPP doesn't it?"

He nodded.

"Well that's Pixie to Pixie Protocol. Then there's your mail - POP3. That's Post Office Pixie. I could go on but that's the meat of it. Pixies run the Internet."


He was nodding now and smiling.

"You know, it does all make sense. Can't wait to tell the other guys about this. We've been wondering about it for a while." says Mr Gullible.

And off he trotted.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 4:49, 2 replies)

"Where are my glasses?"
You know the old gag where someone has their glasses up on their head, and they can't remember where they left them?

...they were properly over my eyes when I said this. I don't have particularly good eyesight.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 4:32, 1 reply)

Maybe I need new friends?
"So, is the U.K. part of Europe or are we a seperate continent?"

"When black men cum is it black?"

"I dont like going on holiday, I have homophobia"
Turns out she thought homophobia was a fear of leaving the house. She in her 30's.

"People from cornwall are so inbred they must have five toes on each foot"

when training a new girl at the store i worked in the tills crashed. The customer had a ten pound note. Her shopping came to £5.05. The poor new girl simply could not work out what change to give her... This wasnt a first day nerves thing either. Further maths questions showed she struggled to add single digit numbers.

Putting alcohol on a fire does not have the same effect as water. It does however leave scorch marks on a wooden floor and the ceiling.

I'm afraid this one involves me... If your a twatty 14yr old and your shoplifting in woolworths, the weird man following you and your friends around isnt a 'nonce', he is in fact the undercover store detective and he does have the power to arrest you.
(Emily Salvage, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 4:31, 1 reply)

United 93
I don't know if you noticed this, but in the film United 93 a lot of the air traffic control people and military types who were caught up in 9/11 played themselves. I pointed this out to my friend who remarked on how odd it was that nobody on the plane played themselves.

We had literally just watched the film, the credits were still rolling. I had no words.
( spikedirection no frills, no skills., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 3:30, 1 reply)

Agghh!! My rectums!
A dim friend of mine lit was having trouble lighting a gas barbecue. There were a few clicks of the electric starter, followed by whoomph & propane mushroom cloud. Eyebrows singed, he staggered back, hand over his eyes

"Agghh!! My rectums! No... wait. My retinas!"

BONUS POINTS - knew a 19 year-old man (not a virgin, had three sisters) wanted to know when a woman went to the bathroom whether it would be pee or poo, since both came out the same hole.
(TommyShanks, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 3:14, 5 replies)

Radio waves
A guy I used to work with swore that they got the listening figures for radio and viewing figures for TV by measuring how many radio/TV waves were being sucked out of the air.
(antigen is running away from something, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 2:59, 2 replies)

Stop... think
I have been stood next to a friend in a corner shop, who picked up a clearly marked packet, and asked "How much are these 10p crisps?"

He also asked me "What day was TFI Friday on?"

He works for the council in a worryingly important position.
(Plimsol is fighting for the right to arm bears, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 2:44, Reply)

Tactile vibrations
I told my ex that rumble strips were to aid blind drivers on motorways, she immediately told my friend, who came back and told me.
(Plimsol is fighting for the right to arm bears, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 2:39, Reply)

Faux pas...
...my wife was dealing with a client who had airs and graces of Hyacinth Bucket proportions.
The client was telling my wife of a lady who she had been dining with and that said lady had complained of the gazpacho soup being cold. The client told my wife "It was the worst faux pas I have ever seen".
Fair enough, but she pronounced "faux pas" as " facts pass".
A faux pas indeed...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 2:08, 1 reply)

Unbreakable
I once watched the movie Unbreakable with my mum. You know, the one where Bruce Willis literally can't be injured or killed.

As the credits roll, she turns to me and innocently asks:
'Is this real?'

Other Mum classics include 'Is Dennis Quaid one of the Baldwin brothers?'

......?
(sinbad, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 1:51, 1 reply)

A neighbour of mine, council binman, daily record reader
often comes out with lines about how the area is going downhill with all the brown and black immigrants taking all the jobs and the benefits and making the crime rate go up.

Slightly ignorant, but not an unusual opinion to have in modern Britain, you might think.

Thing is, we live in one of the most rural backwaters of west coast scotland where everybody is whiter than white - I think there's two non-caucasian folk in a fifty mile radius, who run the local curry joint, and I know he doesn't have a problem with them.
(meepmeep is, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 0:30, 1 reply)

I used to think
That american actors could easily do british accents, but didn't think british actors could do american ones. I still get surprised to hear that some actor, Hugh Laurie comes to mind. I feel pretty dumb admitting it, but meh.


Did any of you across the pond ever think the opposite?
EDIT: yes I meant any british accent, be it scottish, welsh, english, irish. I realize that after another post I read. I know the difference but was confusing myself. Thanks for no one ripping me. Btw, aussie accents by anyone but an australian are shit, I agree.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 0:11, 9 replies)

Remembered another
When talking about chance and probability etc the subject of the buttered toast landing butter side down came up. One particularly dim colleague swore blind that it was true that it always landed butter side down no matter what height it was dropped from and how. I seized on this opportunity to back her up by saying it was like cats, they always land on their feet no matter what height the fall etc. She was delighted that there was further proof for her to rely on. Until I told her that it had been proven by strapping some buttered toast to the back of a cat and throwing it from a tree. The equilibrium meant the cat span round in mid air.

Her only comment was 'that sounds a bit cruel but I guess they had to prove it somehow'.
(RainKing What do I put here then?, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 23:58, 6 replies)

David Cameron's economic policy.
Ha ha ha.
( Matoosh would rather like a biscuit, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 23:57, 5 replies)