How do you feed eight kids with one KitKat?
Half a finger each (it was a four-fingerer)

Cheers Mum!
(Waspard has your wank bank account details, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 18:30, Reply)

Boss From Hell ...
Remember when dialling codes went from 2 figures to 4? I updated the company address book to the new codes.

Boss From Hell told me to change the numbers back because "the new numbers cost more to dial"

He made me Telecom to confirm it - I can still hear the operator laughing.
( Bootsthealchemist is barred from the Masterchef Facebook page, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 18:15, Reply)

the tightest tightwads ever?
Well im stunned no-one has mentioned it, but out there is a group of people who would dismember your Granny to get at her gold tooth, they could not give a flying fuck about anything other than coining it for themselves and merrily raping every person on the planet

Step forward please OPEC.

a bigger bunch of thieving cunts you will never ever see, they have a cartel on the most important natural resource on the planet, and if they feel like it, you will bleed


oil was at $140 a barrel only a few months ago and not a whimper from the gansters.

Prices slowly wanders down to a sensible level thats still a damn sight more than it has been in recent history and the fuckers want to turn off the tap and squeeze that last penny from the grounddown bones of humanity.

fuckers, greedy, tightwad fuckers.
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 18:15, 9 replies)

thrifty!
working Reading (the festival, not the place or passtime) ment free waterbottles....
that i would then take to the water bottle recycling thus making 20p..

i was pretty impressed with this scam...
by about 4pm i'd be hungry.. i'd genrally have drank maybe 5 waters... where id then go try 'crew discount' the stalls resulting in free food :)
the sweetcorn man was mean tho! he wouldn't do any discount... and was chargeing £2 for a stick of sweetcorn to volenteers! its a ruddy stick of sweetcorn.. its not even a real meal!
(kola, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 18:02, 6 replies)

I'm not tight; your cock's enormous.
Flattery will get you everywhere...
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 18:02, Reply)

I'm not tight, but everyone else makes me look it.
Although being somewhat short of shekels, I'm not too fussy about making sure every last penny's accounted for when eating out with people. However, as i've been to uni, my entire family seems to think that I'm sort of idiot savant at mental arithmatic and they make me divide up the bills, which ends up with me detailing exactly what everyone owes, thus giving the appearance of being a tightwad.
It's usually me that leaves any sort of tip as well...
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sun 26 Oct 2008, 17:30, Reply)

Tight?
It was the first Mrs Razors birthday. A few of us went to the Hard Rock Cafe for an over-priced burger and some alcohol. Val and Nick joined us.
We ate, we drank, we asked for the bill.
Val got out a calculator and grabbed a menu; "You had a burger and no chips, I had a burger with chips. Two beers, one Margarita, that's...£12.45". (This was a few years ago).
The rest of us chucked twenty quid each in the pot, agreed to leave a big tip and spend the rest on more alcohol eslewhere.
It's not that they were poor; they probably had more than the rest of us put together. They were just tight, selfish and ignorant.
(Razors, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 17:20, Reply)

Back in the days...
...when Dime bars were 10p (and still called Dime bars, not this 'Daim' malarkey) in the school tuck shop, my friend and I would walk around the corridors and playground to pick up any 1p and 2p coins on the ground, then scuttle off to claim our prize.

If we had a particularly good day, we'd get a Drifter and share it between us :D
(Bondvillain2k, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 17:08, 3 replies)

Granny karma
My gran is a miserable, tight fisted, mean spirited old boot who has made my mums life hell for the 25 years she has been married to my old man (it's his mum). She frequently dries out tea bags and re-uses them, scrapes the mould of a bit of bread and eats it and has been known to chow down on some of her dogs biscuits if she has nothing in the house to eat. She also used to try to feed me pedigree chum when I was a kid as it was all she could "afford". When, aged 7, I offered her my pocket money to buy some bacon she smacked the shit of me. Lovely woman.

Anyhoo, the old dear lives in a rather nice semi-detached house just outside of Glasgow, which my dad pays the mortgage on. Her next door neighbour is a lovely old lady known simply as Mrs Gibb (hi Mrs Gibb!). Every day Mrs Gibb toddles the half a mile or so down to the shops to get some groceries and her morning paper. Every morning, without fail, my gran goes through Mrs Gibbs bin for any bits and pieces which could be used, in particular the previous days paper. Yes, she is too tight fisted to pay the 35p or so for the current edition of a newspaper. Now I would like to point out here my dad gives her about £800 a month which she takes quite happily on top of her pension so she may not be stinking rich, but she certainly isn't poor. He also pays all her bills, phone, gas, leckie etc.

So, after about 2 years of silence being maintained between us, due to the dog food abuse, I thought I'd pay her a visit one morning. You know, have a cup tea and some dog biscuits, see if the old bitch has mellowed at all so I made the arrangements to call round the following morning.

The following day I made the journey over there. As I came up the driveway I became slightly aware of a soft banging sound coming from the side of Mrs Gibbs house. I decided to have a quick investigation, being the nosey sort and everything, only to be greeted by the sight of a large green, wheeley bin rocking back and forth, emitting muffled cries of help and a pair of 73 year old ladies legs waving frantically in the air.

Yup, she had been so keen to get to the day old newspaper and a half eaten bar of chocolate from the bottom of a bin she had fallen head first in there, and was unable to get out. I obviously pulled her out, which was rather difficult considering the pain I was in from laughing so much. She promptly told me to piss off before retrieving the paper and chocolate and walking back in to her house and locking herself in.

A touch harsh? Probably. Very amusing? Fuck yes.

Length? About 5 foot 5 whilst stuck in a bin.
(Holy Cremola Foam Batman will be back on, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 16:31, 10 replies)

Cheapest tightwad bastard to ever prowl the earth
and I worked for him.

- I made a mistake on an expense report that was 12 cents in my favor. I got a call from him. From his secretary. From the Accounting nazi lady. And a fax from him. And the Accounting nazi lady. In the space of two hours. For 12 fucking cents. I had to correct the report and resubmit it. For 12 fucking cents. Christ those halfwits spent ten dollars harassing me over it.

Said tightwad bastard went to our supplier in Eastbourne. MD at supplier suggest that T.B. pony up a few hundred bucks, bring his wife, then go on to Paris. Understand that said T.B. had never been outside the United States (typical for many fuckwits here). He went, took the advice, brought his wife, went to Paris. Gets back, I telephone to ask how his trip went. The very first words out of his mouth were, "I think the taxi driver ripped me off for $8 in Paris." What a miserable bastard. Would not eat in the sunshine as he feared his shadow would ask for a bite. Miserable bitter cheap bastard.
( HairyTwatter certified eel and sodium salesman, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 15:38, 5 replies)

Food waste?
I do not work for any food retailer..

Please stop blaming them for having to dispose of out of date goods what would appear to be such a ridiculous and uncharitable manner.

It is the Health and Safety civil servants who are 'protecting us from ourselves' that are to blame!
(Outtheresomewhere, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 14:10, 6 replies)

I hate seeing food wasted, I hate seeing supermarkets or shops pour all their days leftover fresh produce into bags and dump it in the bin,
I much prefer when they sell it for less when it's late in the day or give it away in the last 10, enough folks will still want their dinner at dinner time and only old folks and/or the very poor ever wait around for the slightly spoiled food, your average working man will not be doing that, and it also gives the staff something nice and fun to do at the end of each day.

So already from that standpoint you can see how the following story would upset me.

I knew a few homeless folks in York, just guys I'd got talking to on the street and liked and occasionally helped out, one was quite proud of managing without charity, soup kitchens and such, he didn't like them, so finding food was a priority for him. He was also quite a neat and polite fellow, you wouldn't immediately guess he lived on the street.

He told me he used to get the leftovers given to him by a local bakers shop (of the type like Gregs but I forget it's name) but they had a change of management and now they put it in the bin instead.

So my friend started to wait by the bin and take it back out, so they stopped using plastic bags and tipped the produce in directly, so he started laying down fresh newspaper first over the other rubbish in order that he could recover at least a pasty or two, but they then got wise to that and started pouring bleach over the produce once dumped to render it inedible no matter what he did.

Why? To stop one homeless man from getting a free meal once a day. How selfless of you.

Oh and I just remembered a similar one, I had a mate who everyday had a sandwich for his tea in my local pub, he was retired on a good pension and this was his daily treat, it came with a salad that he never ate so if I was around he would let me have that as at the time I was a veggy, and as I've already said I hate seeing good food wasted and it would otherwise be thrown (it wasn't exactly a meal I'd just nibble on it whilst we chatted).

However, after seeing this happen a few times, one of the barstaff started getting actually enraged at this, he would come across and berate me for 'taking food I had not paid for' and try and remove the salad from under my nose, even though my friend was right there and had paid for this and given it to me, 'it's our policy that people should only eat food that they themselves have bought here'.

I ended up having to ask my friend to just ask them not to make him the salad anymore.

What is it with some folks about other people occasionally getting something nice or needy for nothing, why do some folks get so upset about that and seem to take it as a personal slight? Especially when it's only going to be wasted or destroyed otherwise, what's the problem?

It's just some kind of bitter spite I think.
( ..wil, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 11:02, 28 replies)

there is a line between being sensible with money and being a tight bastard
you decide if you think im tight

i would like to think i am not, i just live within my means:

I have 2 credit cards but only use them for internet purchases and emergencies and pay them off the second i get the bill

i have a jar whre i save coins and then wen its full i count the coins and give them to my dad who gives me notes (he needs change for his job)

in the supermarket i look for deals and buy economy food if its nice (for example the basic potato chips and choc are nice)

i get clothes from primark, asda, tesco and matalan

i use a box from a set of speakers as my bedside table (i have a futon so its only about 10 cm off the floor)

however:
i always tip where necessay and dont calculate the tip exactly i usually round my bill up to a good number (less coins for me to carry) and leave more than the 10%

i will buy rounds in pubs and i dont buy to receive, also if one round i want a partiularly expensive drink il make sure i get that one

as long as i have enough money for my bills i will never turn down nights out or day trips etc

i never scrimp on toiletaries and washin powder but will buy ones on offer or go to cheaper shops


i would like to think that im sensible with money and nt tight and thelast thing idever want is for people to percieve me as tight
(jenko83, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 10:43, 9 replies)

Back in the day.....story number 3
Our family home was a bungalow with kitchen and bathroom at one end and the sitting room and my bedroom at the other. My parents used to leave early for work so it wasn't uncommon for me to be alone in the house before I went to college.

This particular morning, after a lie in I decided to get showered. I opened my bedroom door to see nothing but thick, brown smoke. I panicked as I knew I could not get out of the window (father had boarded it up as it was rotten) so I crawled towards the kitchen door. Once outside, I realised there was no fire, but there was still a lot of smoke. Going back into the kitchen I realise that the smoke is coming from the grill. Opening the grill I find 10 charred black discs. It turned out my father had found an open packet of fruit shortcake in his car and rather than throw them away decided to save them by drying them out under the grill. Unfortunately he left the grill on high, closed the oven door and went to work as normal.

It would have cost 40p to buy another packet of biscuits.
( pottybeaver is neither a potty nor a beaver, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 9:57, Reply)

Tight petrol-stealing gits...
... syphoned about four gallons of fuel from my car when it was parked up in storage. It's quite an old car, though, and is designed to run on leaded fuel (although frankly it will work with anything from paraffin to meths).

So what did they get? Well, all the water and sludge out of the bottom of the tank, presumably, and a mixture of very stale LRP, octane booster and avgas.

Modern cars won't really work well on that. I hope they remember that little incident when they're having their catalytic converter replaced at great expense, or having new pistons and valves fitted (high octane fuel will really destroy modern engines that aren't set up for it).

Hohoho.

It's not length, it's the equivalent of the proportion between octane and heptane in the fuel mix.
(gordonjcp, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 8:41, 7 replies)

Back in the day......story number 2
When my parents had economy 7 heating installed, my father made sure that I wouldn't know how to override the hot water controls by hiding the switch. If I wanted a bath or shower after 8am in the morning, I had to say 'dad, can I have a bath/shower in an hour please?' I was then told to stand in my bedroom so I could not see where my father was going, where the override switch was or how to use it.....
( pottybeaver is neither a potty nor a beaver, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 8:20, 3 replies)

I was talking to an employee of Asda the other day.
Apparently food which isn't sold is compacted and recycled.

Why, when there are starving people living on the streets nearby and easily enough gets wasted every day to give them good meals?

If that's not tight, I don't know what is.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 8:08, 6 replies)

Not exactly money tight but... (smile!)
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says,

"Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
(Murran_Butchstansanger Good bye Tony, R.I.P, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 7:44, Reply)

Revenge of the Bill Payer
I have never enjoyed talking on the phone, hate it in fact, but my two younger brothers (Steve & 'Detective' Des) took to the "wha y'doin?..naffin, wha y'doin...nowt. Wha y'doin after?.. school of phone usage like drugs to ravers. This was pre cellphone, so Dad stumped up for the Bill.

Anyhow, after another 250 quid quarterly bill from BT, my Dad snapped, and...

installed a payphone...
in the house....
in our front room!!

He soon figured that he could alter the time per pound rate, ramping it up so a quid lasted for a minute. So phone conversations for my Brothers became ..

Hi.. no!! SHUTTHEFUCKUP!! I'll see you in 20 at *beeepbeeepbeep* fuckfuckFUCKFUCK!!...DAAAAAAAD! (Steve puts another 10p in) "No Spooner SHUTTHEFUCKUP!! meet at Macdonalds in twenty.. Which one? The one in *beeepbeeepbeeep* fuckfuckFUCKINGCUNT!!"

This angst and frustration was just the ticket for my Dad. TV was replaced by watching the Brothers try and cram a 20 minute conversation into 10 seconds, made more difficult because they found it difficult to be heard over the sound of my Dad pissing himself laughing at them from the sofa.

We kept the payphone for a couple of years, my Dad still says its the most fun he ever had with us.
(micmac is happy as a pig in shite, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 4:55, 10 replies)

Joke
Why have (Scotsman/Yorshiremen/other racial or cultural slur) have long , thin willies?

Because they are tight fisted wankers!!!!

OK, I'll leave now....
(micmac is happy as a pig in shite, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 3:52, Reply)

I'm tight
At least that is what my last boyfriend said.


Ba-dum tish!
/coat
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Sun 26 Oct 2008, 1:17, Reply)

I'm tight.
I just bought my cat Friskies instead of Whiskers 'cos it was $1 cheaper for 12 cans.......
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 1:36, 3 replies)

An advertisement I just received in my email seems appropriate for this QOTW
I'll just leave it here then.....



The email was titled "Biggest Sale Ever" and just under the ad was the phrase "No, we aren't kidding".

Rather funny I thought.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Sun 26 Oct 2008, 1:16, 2 replies)

Barack Obama
Is it being 'tightwadish' to have spent all my pocket money donating to the last few months of Obama's campagn? I am absolutely desperate for him to be elected. I would have his children (if he paid for me to have a decent sex op) because I think he is so good.

I wish I could vote for him now. Lovely lad that he is.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 1:12, 9 replies)

Stingy
All that money and they live like pigs,




Pinky and Perky....
( slapdash flying through the cool clean air since, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 1:10, Reply)

I love my daddy
He never tips the waitresses. He objectifies them and tells me what hot bits they have got every time I'm out at a restaurant with them. I try to leave with a scrap of my own dignity (some was lost for being the spawn of this man) by leaving a tip myself. Daddy always chastises me for doing so.
(yourworldwontcollapse reminds you, it isn't incest after second cousins!, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 0:00, Reply)

Bin Bags
The last hospo job I held was at a pretentious (yet delicious) bakery, run by a pretentious (and horrible) woman. Having her as my boss was like working for a petty and spiteful teenager; such were her maturity and competence levels.

She failed in so many ways at being a decent human being, however the incident most appropriate for this QOTW was:

At the end of each closing day we would chuck all the unsold loaves into black bin bags and leave them to be hauled off the next morning by the rubbish collectors. Every loaf, despite the fact that they last roughly four days and therefore could still be sold on a second day; making their disposal a great financial loss to the company, all in the name of top quality product. Hang on, that's not very miserly...

Twice a week, volunteers from the City Mission were allowed come and collect these unwanted loaves and transport them to various 'soup kitchen' type places to help feed the homeless. Hmmm, still not sounding like a tightwad...

A few weeks into my employment my boss decided that (despite the fact we would use the bin bags to throw out the bread anyway) that City Mission was not to use our bags and must bring their own if they wanted to pick up any bread.

That's right, this woman, who was throwing away hundreds of dollars worth of perfectly sellable bread every day, was essentially trying to make money out of a charitable organisation.

Oh, and she also informed them that they couldn't keep their bags on site at the bakery, as 'We don't need other people's sh*t cluttering the place up.'

If you're going to help out a charity and accept all the public praise that comes with it, do it properly. You miserly old twunt.
(Mr._F is not actually a man- this username is a lie!, Sat 25 Oct 2008, 23:35, 2 replies)

to be Frank
A few years back when i worked on building sites there was this old chap by the name of Frank . He was a nice enough bloke a pipe fitter if i recall correctly.

One day i went over to the chopsaw to cut a few legnths of studding Frank was there cutting some lengths of Unistrut*. I noticed he was putting them into his old sports bag.

"That must make it easier to carry them across the site" I said , pointing to his bag. "These ? Oh no im taking them home for a little project."
I assumed he was making some shelves for the garage or something similar as thats all you could use it for around the home.

"Im making a entertainment cabinet , I got some chipboard from the last job"

I can only immagine the uglyness in his front room unistrut is not pretty but if nothing else at least its sturdy.

Frank was a bit of a legend on the site

* Unistrut is a C sectioned bar with slots cut into it . Normally it is used to support pipes cableways etc . Imaging some industrial sized mechano and you have the idea. Its quite heavy due to the thickness of the steel .
(welgar, Sat 25 Oct 2008, 22:12, Reply)

More student stingyness from days gone by
Like most students, my housemates and I liked to get tanked up on cheap supermarket booze before we went out, then get a pint in at the club and nurse it all night to keep us at the right level of drunkenness.

So one night I get some tins in and split them with a mate, then we go out. I should add that it was also normal practice to buy a round if you haven't provided any drinks at home. So I wait an hour for this guy to buy me a pint to make up for the tinnies I've subbed him. I finally crack and come out and ask him to get one in. He can't reasonably refuse, but he shoots me a filthy look, heads for the bar and reappears with two pints of Special.

I nip to the gents and come back to find him sipping "my" pint. When I challenge him he says "That pint cost 5p more than the two cans you gave me so I'm making up the difference."

So who was the tightwad? Me or him?
(lolwhites, Sat 25 Oct 2008, 21:53, 8 replies)

Buy 2 get the 3rd free. This includes breaking the law so apologies if you are offended.
Although it is not I that has partaken in the charade. I am mearly a witness.

A few people that are genuinely lovely and Ive always been fond of are usually strapped for cash at the best of times and rarely eat, let alone get drunk. One fateful night they really couldnt afford much but wanted to celebrate a birthday. But no alcohol! Even though it was quite late we all head off to a local supermarket, that shall remain nameless, to purchase beverages.

It was quite late on so it was shelf stackin' time all round. The place was packed with cages and boxes and so on. One of our party takes note that the crates of beer were stratigicly placed at the end of the self-checkout. No I dont know why either, they were asking for trouble.

In the beer isle, I pick up the usual bottle of cheap shit wine. Where the person mentioned earlier picks up a crate of quite random beer. Another guy picks up another one and we head off to the checkout. The self-checkout.

Everyone is visibly over 18 so the guy runs over and makes the ID thing go away. Two crates are put through the till and three are picked up at the end. Bingo.

They managed to do this for about 3 weekends on the run. They then got caught trying the same trick with sandwiches.


Not really tightness. Benefitting from a situation due to lack of personal finances. Ahh well.
(i should have joined myspace, Sat 25 Oct 2008, 21:29, 3 replies)