Kids in the 1980s
It's not the ghost of a little boy, it's a cardboard cut out of Ted Danson.
(bunglist, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 18:25, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Middle aged men
Stuck for something to say to strangers at a dinner party?

Amuse people by detailing a typical conversation with your wife in your rapidly splintering marriage in a bitter, sarcastic tone, so that they don't know whether you're trying to be funny, off load, are seeking therapy, or should just be left alone to get drunk.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:50, Reply)

Kids in the 1980s
Total Control Racing (TCR) was way, way better than Scalextric, because you could change lanes at will instead of being dictated to by some stupid groove in the road.

Ask for it instead and boot Scalextric into posterity, because Scalextric was shit.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 14:44, 9 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Kids in the 1980s
Also, don't bother asking for a Mr Frosty because you won't get one. I'm surprised any actually sold.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 14:08, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Kids in the 1980s
Don't bother asking for Domino Rally for Christmas. It's shit and is nothing as spectacular as it appears in the adverts.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 14:07, Reply)

Non-lead characters in films
Don't let anyone know you have family, loved ones or dependents that you are looking forward to seeing again, as this will certainly result in your death.
(bunglist, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 13:54, Reply)

Inmates
Avoid anal rape by shitting yourself and smearing your faeces all over your bum.
(bunglist, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 13:48, Reply)

Keep your lounge warm and cook dinner at the same time...
By setting fire to your Persian cat.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 13:33, Reply)

Keep your feet warm in the winter
by setting fire to your shoes.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:17, Reply)

Only ever fill your car with, say, £10-£15 at a time, but do it a couple of times a week
(Depending how practical this is for you)

You should save a good few quid over time from the weight difference compared with a full tank.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:42, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Webmasters at eBay
You may has well remove the Keep me signed in for today checkbox from the login screen as it seems to serve no fucking purpose whatsoever.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:24, Reply)

Save fuel: Don't idle your car in cold weather.
It makes no difference!

Link to story: autos.yahoo.com/articles/autos_content_landing_pages/1650/eight-facts-about-warming-up-your-car-in-winter/

PS: Must be true because I read it on the internet.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 8:49, 8 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

If you're a fan of lillies
but tired of their powdery pollen stains: take a bit of sellotape to the pollen as soon as you can. It lifts out of fabric with enough gentle patting with a bit of sticky tape. Credit for this one given to the internet - saved my white curtains!
( Bats, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 8:30, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Americans
Stop being cunts.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 5:57, 13 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Use less shampoo or shower gel
These are simply strong emulsifiers, which need water to work. It's the water which is making you clean, not the shampoo; the shampoo is simply making the water more attractive to grease. You'll find it goes a lot further if you use less and keep adding a splash of water while massaging it in until it's all washed off. Rinse and repeat? You wont need to.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sun 9 Jan 2011, 13:57, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

America
Why not give stricter gun control a try?
( Peej, Sun 9 Jan 2011, 9:54, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Polish immigrants:
they'll be much shinier and more presentable that way.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Sat 8 Jan 2011, 20:42, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

AVOID!!!
Justin Bieber who cant fucking sing anyway the gay cunt!
(The Hitman, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 23:34, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Internet scammers
Make your messages more believable by learning to spell the name of the bank you are attempting to impersonate.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Fri 7 Jan 2011, 19:50, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Avoid writing data to the wrong file handle
by not crossing the streams.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 12:37, Reply)

Avoid travelling over some water
By not crossing the streams.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 12:09, Reply)

Avoid pissing on other people's shoes
by not crossing the streams
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 6 Jan 2011, 22:33, Reply)

Avoid total protonic reversal
By not crossing the streams.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 6 Jan 2011, 14:58, Reply)

24 hour Tescos still shut between 4pm Sunday and 8AM Monday
So the time to go bargain hunting in the Reduced section is around 3pm. Time to find a joint with 33% off and if you're not going to use it immediately then bung it in the freezer. Also, split awareness between things that say 'Use By' and things that say 'Best Before'. Best Before does not mean 'poisonous immediately after'.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 6 Jan 2011, 10:21, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Fathers for justice
Rather than wearing shabby Spiderman costumes, gain entry to your ex-wife's house to spend time with your kids by dressing as an old woman. This will inevitably lead to any restrictive access orders being thrown out in favour of full unlimited access like in the film Mrs Doubtfire.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 20:09, Reply)

avoid a catastrophic game of pictionary
by not dousing yourself in petrol and using matches to draw the pictures on sandpaper
(bunglist, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 18:29, Reply)

Travelling somewhere by taxi?
Convince passing traffic you were on 'Come Dine With Me' by sitting in the back holding up laminated numbers.
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 18:21, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make your own green tea...
By mixing yellow and blue tea together.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:36, Reply)

Only if you live alone
Aiming for shit skidmarks counts as cleaning the toilet
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 14:51, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)