Don't smoke for a couple of weeks,
then get really pissed and have a fag, and you'll realise just how shit smoking is.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sun 20 Mar 2011, 17:31, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make people say, "Err, Hi..."
By greeting them with an overly cheery hello.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sat 19 Mar 2011, 15:30, Reply)

Try not to gunk up your turbo
If giving your turbocharged car a good old ragging, when you get to your destination then let the car sit at tickover for a couple of minutes before turning the engine off. If you turn the engine straight off the glowing hot turbo (exhast gases typically over 600 degrees centigrade, remember!) will cook the oil that is sitting in the turbo bearing race making it shitty and sticky. By letting the temp get back down before stopping the oil flow you will avoid having to find £1000+ for a new turbo way ahead of its natural expiration date.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 17 Mar 2011, 13:28, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make your granny say "Cunt"
by winning at bingo.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 17 Mar 2011, 12:18, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Make people say,'Whoops Mrs. Miggins! I seem to have sat on your artichokes.'
by changing your name to Mrs. Miggins, and leaving your artichokes on the sofa.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 17 Mar 2011, 9:24, Reply)

Make people say
"Well, it's certainly different" by serving them carrot cake that's been made with parsnips instead of carrots. (I suppose parsnip cake then really.)
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 16 Mar 2011, 16:48, 8 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

How NOT to cut an avocado
Hold said avocado in one hand - avocado facing to the ground. Cut upwards, from beneath, with other hand. Preferably use a knife that is sharper than God. Cut deep and with vigour so that the knife boings off the stone in the middle and slices through your fingers instead.

Congratulations - you have successfully failed to cut an avocado properly. Please proceed immediately to A&E and spend the next 5hrs contemplating what a twat you are.

I'm going to risk "flaming" - or whatever the word is - and suggest that this is a injury common the female of the species.
(Mean Mad Mutski, Wed 16 Mar 2011, 13:47, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

80s rock music producers
ensure that famous well-repsected bands are recorded using the most expensive of Telefunken U87 microphones, 48-channel Tascam tape transports, £60,000 Neve desks, £1000-an-hour studios, original 50s Fender guitars and valve Marshall amps and cabs, spend 3 months recording and 6 months editing and mixing an album, then pass it along to a mastering engineer who will make it sound like it's being farted out a GPO telephone earpiece.

I mean, come on. Have you heard Crazy Train by Ozzy?
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 15 Mar 2011, 22:07, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Ladies
Trick you stomach into thinking it's getting a load of hot jizz by deep throating a banana.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 15 Mar 2011, 21:12, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Avoid paying taxes
by dealing exclusively in drug dealing, prostitution and general gangland activity.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 15 Mar 2011, 14:06, Reply)

Ladies, looking to supplement your income in these financially hard times?
Local teenage boys will happily hand over all their pocket money to feel your boobs and have a look in your knickers.
(bunglist, Tue 15 Mar 2011, 13:42, Reply)

Thirtle your stronkit by
nebulising your clur.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 15 Mar 2011, 13:08, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

If your partner
let's lets you cum on her face, make sure she then doesn't clamber over the top of you to find something to wipe it off with in case it drips in your eye and makes you gay and blind.

Edit: Aspostrophe ninjas..
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 15 Mar 2011, 10:16, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Fight egg with egg
If you get a little bit of egg shell in your mixture, use another larger piece to scoop it out. The fragment will be magically attracted to another piece of shell, but will recoil from a finger or spoon.

I know not why.
(Stopitnowplease, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 21:01, 9 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

wash up the dishes.
whilst having a bath.

saves water.
(shezam slouching towards nirvana., Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:23, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Brute force and ignorance
solves every problem eventually.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 10:56, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

When doing someone up the bum,
ensure cleanliness by murdering one's partner first.
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 16:02, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Win personal arguments
by being emotionally passive-aggressive.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 9:19, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

turn off the predictive text on your phone
amd pdmpjd wgk thmj wmt'pd tpgmg a pdapdt ame.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 17:20, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Want to run around the office pretending you're in a moon buggy, but don't know how?
Simply build a replica out of cardboard boxes and such-and-such.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 9:04, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Save money!
Go to moneysavingexpert.com and read all the tips.

Then you can avoid the washing up by hiring a maid.
(speedevil, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 23:09, Reply)

Skiing
Always cut your toe nails before renting ski boots. Or you may find your boot full of blood on the first evening.
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 20:34, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

avoid the missus
That is all.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 18:03, Reply)

Avoid eating up
By doing the missus
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 17:26, Reply)

Avoid missing the wash
By eating up.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 9:22, Reply)

Avoid washing the missus
By eating the washing up.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 15:55, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Avoid having to eat out Sandetti's missus
By doing the washing up.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 13:38, Reply)

Avoid doing the washing up
by eating out the missus after meals
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 17:58, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Waiting at home all day for a delivery?
Indulge yourself in a complicated wank with the vacuum cleaner and Murphy's law dictates that they will ring the doorbell at the point of orgasm.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 23:48, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Please your half French/half Eskimo girlfriend
by sticking your tongue up her nose
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:07, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)