Women
Treat your husband/boyfriend to the best birthday ever by rounding up all your girly mates and inviting them round to suck him off all day using some sort of 2-at-a-time rota system until quite frankly he's delirious with ecstasy and drained to the point where orgasm just produces a puff of air.

Please?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:36, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Pretend to be circumsised
by twisting an elastic band round your bell-end and foreskin.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:31, Reply)

Pretend you have piles
by making an involuntary grunting noise whenever you sit down.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:27, 8 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make toilet visits more exciting
by cheering and giving a round of applause to the next person having a pooh after you.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:27, Reply)

Make going to the toilet more exciting
by having the theme from Mission Impossible start playing the moment you close the door behind you.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:26, Reply)

Take masturbation
to an almost ruthless level of efficiency with the aid of a vacuum cleaner and a piece of pipe with a bore of approximate 1.5 times the girth of your penis. This will cause it to flap about with great speed, thus inducing ejaculation in well under 45 seconds.

Or almost instantaneously if you're still only about 13. Be sure to put the vacuum cleaner back where you found it before mum comes back from the shops.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:24, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

A sheep
is a perfect tampax for a whore.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:23, Reply)

Argos
makes an ideal 'proper shop' for people that are common.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:22, Reply)

Make your wife jealous
by spraying your penis with perfume.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:20, Reply)

A naked man
makes an ideal 'woman' for men that are too drunk to care.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:17, Reply)

Pretend you are being watched
by travelling to work by a different route each day.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:16, Reply)

Pretend you are an immigrant
by stealing all our jobs and shagging all our women.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:15, Reply)

Avoid unusual questions in A and E
By not hammering nails into your penis for a dare.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:13, Reply)

Have a full sex life
buy paying for prostitutes.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:12, Reply)

Fool your friends
into thinking you have OCD, by using a burette to titrate the milk into your coffee.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:04, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make people think
you have syphilis by being a 14th century peasant.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:03, Reply)

Film makers
Avoid typecasting Jason Statham by not having his characters kick the shit out of groups of people.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:01, Reply)

Make your lava lamp
look like it's being speeded up by standing it on a hot stove.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 23:00, Reply)

Far-right extremists!
Avoid accusations of race hatred by putting out your propaganda in the form a newspaper, claiming the right to a free press, and sponsoring the Party.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 16:09, Reply)

Avoid non sequiturs
by lemon cheesecake
( smokey bobinson westing by musket and sexton, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 15:25, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

D-list celebs
generate huge quantities of awe amongst the queue of people you've just walked past and convert previously impassive door staff to grovelling sycophants by loudly demanding/screaming 'Don't you know who I am?' when you are refused entry to a prestigious london night spot. If the mystical effect is taking time to assert itself then follow up with the sure-fire clincher 'I know the guy who owns this place' and seal the deal with 'I'll get you sacked' which is a universally acknowledged way of magically unhitching velvet ropes guarded by unimpressed security staff.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sun 5 Jun 2011, 13:17, Reply)

Make people think you're a penguin enthusiast
by talking endlessly about how much you like penguins.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 11:20, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Not washing
makes people think you are french
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 4 Jun 2011, 22:07, Reply)

Kicking your children
is an ideal way to shut them up
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 4 Jun 2011, 20:57, Reply)

Watching Britains got talent
Is an ideal way to pretend your gay.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 4 Jun 2011, 20:52, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

when visiting fellow b3tan robneymcplum remember to not use the flannel and instead use toilet roll
thus ensuring a steady reduction in toilet paper in there house leaving them baffled as to where it has all gone *






*or not
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 4 Jun 2011, 19:09, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

E coli
While washing your cucumber is a very good idea, doing it too enthusiastically when that pretty young girl from next door comes round is likely to get you into trouble.
(Smale is stuffed, Sat 4 Jun 2011, 18:56, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Vomit
makes ideal 'winter vegetable soup' if you are bored and work in the Heinz canning facility.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 4 Jun 2011, 18:03, Reply)

Improve your self confidence and self worth
by moving to Leeds.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 4 Jun 2011, 17:58, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Using a biro
and drawing a line round the base of your penis, is enough to convince a drunk girl you are wearing a condom.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 4 Jun 2011, 17:56, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)