Never get between a pig and its food
Ever.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:44, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Eat your peas with honey
I've done it all my life. It makes them taste quite funny but it keeps them on the knife.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:44, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Highlight cultural differences
to American bands gigging in the UK, by politely applauding after each song and uttering "Bravo!" and "Well Played!". And "Jolly Good Show" at the end...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:40, Reply)

Improve the audio quality of your CDs
by colouring the rim of the disk with a green marker pen. Possibly.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:30, Reply)

Get Alan Titchmarsh to grow a moustache
By joining this Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/134209223334564
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:28, Reply)

Shower/Bath in the dark
It heightens the senses
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 13:34, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Genetic biologists
if you're going to insert a jellyfish gene into a rabbit so that it glows under UV light, at least have the decency to take it to a 70s disco so it can enjoy its' new novelty value.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 13:13, Reply)

Should one find oneself in a position whereby one has to mix with the prolitariat, blend in by referring to Houses Of Parliament sauce as "brown sauce".

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:48, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Make people think
you are a big posh sod, by referring to HP Sauce as "Houses of Parliament sauce"...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:46, Reply)

Make donkeys think they're horses by raising them with Shetland Ponies.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:30, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Visit Listopia
If you fancy reading a minimalist Twitter-style version of QOTW.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 3:15, Reply)

By waxing your pubes, your scrotum and your arse and buttocks
you can trick your wife into thinking she's married a well-endowed 8 year old boy with gigantism.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 3:08, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Skint?
Convince thick people you're loaded by referring to beans on toast as "stewed haricots served on a warmed open sandwich".
( krang, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:18, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Make your own gorillas by dying orang-utangs black.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 15:30, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Create water by mixing cola with lemonade.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 14:34, Reply)

Confuse puffins by repeatedly telling them that they've just got a bit of a cold, and thus aren't really that special.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 14:04, Reply)

Eat roast beetroot
It turns your shit bright red! Brilliant!
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 13:54, 9 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Receipts make ideal "pets" for calculators.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 11:30, Reply)

you can't spell 'Imagine' without
'A minge'. What you do with the left-over I is entirely your own business though.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 10:57, Reply)

70s Sci Fi TV producers
don't bother going to a succession of different gravel quarries to represent a diverse range of alien planets. Everyone assumes you only use the same one anyway.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sun 24 Jul 2011, 18:30, Reply)

Suggestion Boxes at work
post inane and obscure suggestions such as "needs more dog", "more Rubenesque staff please", "any chance of an imposition of Martial Law?" and "can we find someone, somewhere, who can put Top Deck in the vending machine?" anonymously to irk HR Managers...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sun 24 Jul 2011, 2:16, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

organising a scarecrow festival ?
why not make it more fair for the residents by euthenising/ethnic cleansing the local tramp population?
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 23 Jul 2011, 21:16, Reply)

2.42 in the morning
is a perfect time to sneak into someones house and fuck their missus while they are on the PC.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 23 Jul 2011, 12:15, Reply)

Liven up a boring day at the in-laws
By putting Ex-lax into their tea.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 23 Jul 2011, 11:30, Reply)

Avoid ridicule when chatting to Dungeons & Dragons "enthusiasts"
by not asking whether a two-handed bastard sword has two handles...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sat 23 Jul 2011, 7:16, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

posting tips at 2 42 in the morning is a fantastic way to piss your wife of

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 23 Jul 2011, 2:42, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Bepenised b3tans, while away a few hours with an invigorating game of "how many things can I put my willy in today?"
by seeing how many things, over the course of the day, you can put your willy in.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Sat 23 Jul 2011, 2:36, Reply)

Sitting on your cup of tea for five minutes
makes your mum taste like your hand after you've had a wank.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 20:41, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Eirish radio stations...
... make the most of that interview with a theoretical physicist by getting your showbiz/entertainment presenter to ask the questions! :-)

And be sure to play them several minutes of ads, and then some readings of texts & emails about weird food combinations first, just to get everyone in the right frame of mind. (But to be fair it then seemed to go ok. But quite how the listener coped with a shift from black pudding with marmalade, to invisibility science, is anyone's guess).
(haberman is singing in the changes, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 18:55, Reply)

throw lettuce and other salad based food stuffs at morbidly obese
fatfucks and see if they can dodge them
etc
etc
etc
massive tits that wobbled when she moved and then slowly hypnotically the
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 18:13, Reply)