Mothers of David Bowie fans - don't know if they're a boy or a girl?
Simply check their birth certificate.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 15:31, Reply)

try and say Hong Kong quickly
without it sounding like Honk Honk


not a top tip, more a challenge....
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 14:53, Reply)

Keep a syringe full of Formic Acid with you with which to sting bees and wasps back should they come near.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 14:04, Reply)

People named Lawrence
avoid confusing others when sending text messages, by refraining from using the term 'lol', unless at the end of the message, separated by either a full-stop or comma and and the first letter of 'lol in capitals...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Mon 15 Aug 2011, 12:51, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Pretend you live in an apple by painting your front door green.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 12:38, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Amuse your guests by balancing the shampoo on top of the shower unit, causing it to fall onto their foot the moment they switch on the shower.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 12:27, Reply)

Making bread?
Got a fan oven?
If your oven has the option to just switch the fan and light on, this makes an ideal 'prooving' oven for your dough.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Mon 15 Aug 2011, 12:23, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Don't send me emails signing off as 'Senior Data Validator'
Unless you are happy for me to sign my reply 'In a while, crocodile'
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 12:12, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

A stag beetle stuck to a drum stick makes an ideal miniture shepherd's crook for dwarves.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 10:55, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

If you are common and poor
Come round my place and I'll find some menial jobs for you to do.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 1:53, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

If you are common and poor and have to buy mobile credit as you cant get a contract
if you and your friend on the same network both ring customer service, enter the voucher code at the same time and you should both get the credit. If not, then the person that didnt enters the code himself so you dont really lose anything by trying it do you?

*have no idea how top ups work but seems to sound plausible in my head*
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 14 Aug 2011, 14:46, Reply)

If probed as to whether you are 'good' in the 'sack'
reply that yes, yes you are, in much the same way that seven cats, each with seven kittens, in bags made out of a hessian-type material, carried by seven women betrothed to one man that you could conceivably come across on your way to St Ives, are...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sun 14 Aug 2011, 10:48, Reply)

For the barista's
Having trouble getting frothy milk , give it a good shake before blowing the air into it for better results.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Sat 13 Aug 2011, 23:53, Reply)

Did you know
You can say "Hong kong" without moving your lips?
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Sat 13 Aug 2011, 23:51, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

bored on a weekend ? want some thing to do ?
go and buy a medical eye patch and then go in to any opticians that offer two for one eye surgery and then complain because you have to pay double for one operation where as peope with both eyes get one free.



insert criticisms here
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 13 Aug 2011, 20:55, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Do not buy any 2nd hand wireless microphones unless they are F-Band (863-865MHz)
as the rest of them either require licencing or operate on analogue TV frequencies that will have the shit interfered out of them when the digital switchover happens in 2012 and the spectrum is sold off for mobile internet.

Just saying, like. It might look like a bargain now but won't bloody work in 6 months time.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 13 Aug 2011, 20:03, Reply)

Realise how shit you are at coding
by turning off Intellisense.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 13 Aug 2011, 12:34, Reply)

Relive the spirit of Kenneth Williams
by 'scumping' in lavatories...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sat 13 Aug 2011, 2:37, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

tired of interweb idiots polutting your boards with badly spelled drivel and non existant punctuation?
why not cajole them along the road to greater enlightenment by repeatedly pointing out mistakes and eroding there low self esteeme?


as for me? couldnt give a fryers tuck
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 16:54, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Fool people into thinking it's the early '90s
by being either an "indie" or a "raver"...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 12 Aug 2011, 14:39, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

grammar police why not ply your skills during school holidays on internet forums?

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 14:01, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

a gold fish on a lead is not a very good stand in for a lost puppy

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 12:00, Reply)

brightly coloured and paterned mobile phone socks make great hoods for amature hangmen learning there trade

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 12:00, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

A white mouse with a collar on makes an ideal miniture English bull terrirer for your cat.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 10:42, Reply)

Mobile phone socks
make ideal 'sleeping bags' for stag beetles...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 12 Aug 2011, 7:53, Reply)

Why Dont You..?
Turn off your TV set and go outside and do something less boring instead.

Like, going out and looting an even bigger TV.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 22:29, Reply)

why not try dressing your mobile phone in a stocking and suspender belt in stead of a sock for a change

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 22:24, Reply)

mobile phone socks are great wanking aids for the less well endowed men out there

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 22:22, Reply)

Mobile phone socks
make ideal socks for cats and small dogs...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 11 Aug 2011, 18:02, Reply)