Recreate that 'people look like ants' feeling you get on top of skyscrapers
by looking down at an ants' nests from the end of a Jaffa Cakes packet...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sat 3 Sep 2011, 17:28, Reply)

google maps
when showing a map of a town, possibly one the viewer hasnt been to. Make sure you differenciate between 'bus centre' meaning a place to catch a bus, and 'bus. centre' meaning a business centre, on the other side of the town. You cunts.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 2 Sep 2011, 13:08, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Fool your neighbours into thinking you're a milkman
by leaving your house at 3am every morning, whistling and clinking bottles loudly...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 1 Sep 2011, 16:40, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Like chocolate and want to eat more of it but don't want to get fat?
Tough luck
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Thu 1 Sep 2011, 5:16, Reply)

Shoes coverd in blood?
next time try cutting the potato on chopping board and not in your hand
FFS 'tards ehh?
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 22:58, Reply)

Shoes all covered in potato juice?
Buy some shoe polish you tight cunt.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 22:47, Reply)

Like chocolate?
Simply eat more of it.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 21:53, Reply)

Dirty shoes?
Simply cut open a potato and rub your shoes with it. Works like a dream.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 21:50, Reply)

Going for physiotherapy?
it is not a good idea to have a curry the previous night.
( Vambo, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 14:55, Reply)

When re-applying for one's driving licence
ensure you haven't been visiting the internet* with any frequency prior to completing your application, so you do not make out your letter to:

SLVA
Swansea
SA99 1BA


*esp. b3ta.com
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 31 Aug 2011, 0:56, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

life guards dont get sacked because of some blue kid
try looking at other swimmers instead of that 18year old with the porn star tits
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 30 Aug 2011, 8:20, Reply)

I just did a blow-off that sounded exactly like Frankie Howerd saying "Oooooh!"
Not a tip as such, but I had to tell someone.
(costas, Tue 30 Aug 2011, 0:00, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Tramps have you been caught in a recent down pour?
has the dirt washed off?
simply roll in dog shit to regain that close to nature aroma that is the hall mark of professional hedge dwellers and cider lady's
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 29 Aug 2011, 21:29, Reply)

Despite what the Joiner may say...
Industrial+ Wipes do not, absolutely DO NOT make a suitable alternative to toilet paper.
FACT.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Mon 29 Aug 2011, 11:33, Reply)

Grooms-to-be
assist your wife-to-be on her big day in the 'something blue' department by leaving a copy of Razzle on her dressing table the night before...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sun 28 Aug 2011, 8:26, Reply)

Sometimes forget that Piers Morgan is a talentless, fat cunt?
Just stick a handy note with the words "Piers Morgan is a talentless, fat cunt" in your wallet or purse.
(Don Draper is, indeed, mad and a man., Fri 26 Aug 2011, 20:52, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

to get an idea of what your blushing new bride will look like in 20 years, look no further than her mum
and to find out if she'll still be any good in the sack in 20 years, you gotta sleep with her mum as well. Just to be certain.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 26 Aug 2011, 19:50, Reply)

Never buy Morrisons value-brand stationery.
To misquote Humphrey Lyttelton; How do you fuck up a pencil?
(costas, Fri 26 Aug 2011, 17:06, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Salma Hayek has a cracking pair....
oh...top tips. Freudian slip.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 26 Aug 2011, 13:36, Reply)

Get your picture in the national papers
on August 26th, by being an attractive female student who has just passed her GCSEs...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 26 Aug 2011, 7:35, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

why not post total crap and see how many replys it gets?
peadophilia

a fun activity for all the family to enjoy
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 21:36, Reply)

Sushi
I find, tastes much better cooked. Possibly with chips, also cooked.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 12:22, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Avoid having a shit mother-in-law
by having a stringent vetting process when you meet your girlfriends' parents.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 11:45, Reply)

Avoid hearing Big Brother talk at work
By pretending that they're talking about a male sibling and then go into exsquisite detail about your own brother. If you don't have a brother, just make one up and make him as dull or exciting as you like.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 11:41, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Men, are you great at sex and make her cum every time?
Consider she might be lying to boost you ego
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 19:11, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

men are you great at sex and last ages?
then why not take an etch a sketch into the bed room so you draw your sex face instead
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 18:37, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

genuine top tip alert!!
If you have a blocked toilet, and plunging/boiling water/caustic soda doesnt work. Tie a carrier bag round a mop and use that as a plunger, been pissing around all day, just been told that and worked in 2 seconds of watery pooo goodness.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 18:22, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Nigella Lawson's neighbours.
If you can see her getting naked in the bathroom from your window, don't fucking complain you twats. Instead take pictures and post them on voyeurweb and/or offer "stargazing nights" when you know she's home.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 17:20, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Avoid hearing Big Brother talk at work
by taking a dump in the office lift. It will instantly become the only topic of the day.
(How soon is now?, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 14:50, Reply)

Make boring sundays at elderly relative's houses more fun
By creating a live version of 'total wipeout' by covering their kitchen lino with an oil/fairy liquid mix, and throwing sofa cushions at them.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:57, Reply)