Do you have an annoying roommate?
Rent a horror movie and play it while you have sex. If they hear any screams, they'll assume it's the movie.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 25 Jun 2012, 18:52, Reply)

Do the Mashed Potato

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 25 Jun 2012, 9:11, Reply)

confound olden-days wisdom
by proving that Wine,Women and Song are as nought unless you can also get porn, X-Box and kebabs.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 25 Jun 2012, 0:46, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Do the twist

( Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Mon 25 Jun 2012, 0:15, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Men: Watch the football so the next day you can talk about the football.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sun 24 Jun 2012, 20:42, Reply)

Make people think you are over 45
by making a growling noise when you sit down, stand up or bend down to pick something up.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 23 Jun 2012, 13:30, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Make people think
you have piles by wincing and making a small grunt noise whenever you sit down.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 22 Jun 2012, 2:39, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Pretend you dont like jam
by saying 'no' if people ask you if you like jam.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 21 Jun 2012, 20:35, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

liven up a boring UEFA football game
featuring two teams you couldnt give a fuck about, by drinking throughout and shouting at the telly.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 21 Jun 2012, 20:24, Reply)

Make your telephone feel dejected and unwanted
by using Skype right in front of it.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 21 Jun 2012, 11:18, Reply)

Convince people that you are illiterate...
by saying "literally" in every sentence that drools from your stupid face.
(Spyan in Swedish I am 'The Sick', Thu 21 Jun 2012, 1:13, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Convince people you are honest
by saying "to be honest" before every sentence that drools from your stupid little mouth.
(Spyan in Swedish I am 'The Sick', Thu 21 Jun 2012, 1:13, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Technophiles!
A Microsoft Surface tablet will go really well with your Zune player!
(Commander_billybops http://thoughtrambles.tumblr.com, Wed 20 Jun 2012, 0:56, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

It's true what they say: Money can't buy happiness.
Turns out you can only rent it :(.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 19 Jun 2012, 15:23, Reply)

Entertain Americans by asking if they're Canadian.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 19 Jun 2012, 11:06, Reply)

Deter editors from hiring you as a writer
by being shit at spelling and grammar.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 18 Jun 2012, 16:04, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Curse gifts with an arse horse's mouth.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 18 Jun 2012, 8:47, Reply)

Arse horses make poor gifts.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sun 17 Jun 2012, 20:03, Reply)

jedis, if you want to be seen as funny and lighthearted
knock over a kitten or make someone walk into a door with your mind powers.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 16 Jun 2012, 12:15, Reply)

Pretend you have no fucking sense of humour at all
By getting angry at jokes made about disabled kids.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 14 Jun 2012, 17:06, Reply)

Draw small 'm's on Skittles with tipex
and place them in a bag of M&Ms, for hilarious results.
(username failed moderation, Thu 14 Jun 2012, 16:11, Reply)

Marketers-
Turn on Safe Search before Googling 'CIM'.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 14 Jun 2012, 16:02, Reply)

Only sit in the front row at comedy gigs
if you are a charity worker for disabled kids. That way the comedian won't be able to take the piss without earning the ire of the rest of the audience.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 13 Jun 2012, 21:39, Reply)

Been arrested?
Put 'coppers' into Czech on Google Translate.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 16:21, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Want your 15 minutes of fame (as promised by Andy Warhol)
Force the B3ta-masters to reveal the true identity of the TROLLS, as they have damaged your otherwise 100% successful life with their harmful comments.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 13:47, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Parents
Troll your children by playing Gary Glitter songs and encouraging them to sing along. Then send them off to school. 
(Eukanuba, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 12:42, Reply)

Surrealist Geordie comedians
Get free publicity by awarding your own peace prize.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 8:33, Reply)

Never curse your ass.
It might be a horse.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Mon 11 Jun 2012, 20:02, Reply)

Never look a gift horse in the arse in case it's a curse horse.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 11 Jun 2012, 10:11, Reply)