
Got a great tip? Share it with us. You know, stuff like "Prevent sneezing by pressing you index finger firmly between your nose and your upper lip."
( , Wed 29 Nov 2006, 16:33)
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get your name in the B3ta newsletter by nicking a top tip from Viz and posting it on the near-deserted 'top tips' board.
( , Tue 10 Jul 2012, 10:40, Reply)

Put a bird feeder in the garden.
( , Mon 9 Jul 2012, 16:39, Reply)

Rather than just blindly clicking the 'next' box, read each window, and uncheck any boxes that say,'Do you want to install wankbot toolbar for google are twats browser, so we can follow your browsing habits forever?.
( , Sun 8 Jul 2012, 4:33, Reply)

If you uninstall the toolbar from Windows Control Panel, uninstall the program that it was bundled with and it's STILL FUCKING THERE then try looking in your browsers' 'Tools/Extensions' (Chrome), 'Manage Add-Ons' (I.E.) or 'Tools/Add Ons' (FF) and click the fucker off from there.
( , Sun 8 Jul 2012, 2:07, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

unsure what to do when faced with the ticket barrier at the station?
why not form a blockade of people and suitcases across the whole fucking thing, and wait until help arrives?
( , Fri 6 Jul 2012, 11:20, Reply)

Don't pour hot water from your Thermos flask into a pot noodle whilst in a coach on the M6 Toll. It tends to make a bit of a kerfuffle.
( , Thu 5 Jul 2012, 15:17, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Simply pick up a free brochure from outside your local estate agent, insert a handful of old pizza flyers and staple a photo of a mayor crouching over a pothole to the front.
( , Wed 4 Jul 2012, 20:50, Reply)

by driving forwards through the back wall, across your back lawn and through your garden fence.
Extra care should be taken if you have a fish pond or swimming pool.
( , Tue 3 Jul 2012, 14:24, Reply)

avoid a tiresome trip to the recycling centre by taking the rubble to the nearest motorway bridge and hurling it into oncoming traffic.
( , Tue 3 Jul 2012, 14:22, Reply)

winter.
Set fire to your neighbours house.
( , Tue 3 Jul 2012, 14:14, Reply)

Why not get a pretty girl to present some of her favourite, mediocre recipes, in an enthusiastic, slightly patronising manner?
( , Mon 2 Jul 2012, 12:58, Reply)

Remember to carry scissors in case you encounter someone who's tied their wallet to their trousers with kite string and a carabina.
( , Mon 2 Jul 2012, 10:26, Reply)

Attach your wallet to a strong bit of kite string, and attach the other end a mini-karabiner. Do the same with your keys on another bit of string, and attach them to your trouser belt loops before going out anywhere.
Now you're less likely to leave your important bits and pieces on the table or the floor when you're insensibly drunk, and less likely to get pickpocketed (unless the pickpocket has scissors, the dastard).
( , Sat 30 Jun 2012, 14:20, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

by putting boiling water into a cup with instant coffee in it. The label clearly states 'hot, NOT BOILING water' on it.
If your kettle has such a thing, set the override switch to 'Not Quite Boiling'
( , Fri 29 Jun 2012, 2:31, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

You're fucked, everyone thinks it's your fault anyway you poor twats.
( , Thu 28 Jun 2012, 21:32, Reply)

Spend all your time naked.
( , Thu 28 Jun 2012, 17:30, Reply)

If asked about the match by fellow men the next day, just say 'Yeah, it was a bit pony, wasn't it?', and sit back to watch them sagely nodding.
( , Thu 28 Jun 2012, 14:05, Reply)

Especially when focused on dead leaves that have had gasoline dribbled on them while you were cleaning off some tools. From a couple of feet away it makes a great death ray and keeps you out of the fireball that results.
( , Wed 27 Jun 2012, 20:30, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

By remaining absolutely motionless at all times.
( , Wed 27 Jun 2012, 19:53, Reply)

By carrying them in your hands when walking on your feet.
( , Wed 27 Jun 2012, 18:50, Reply)

( , Wed 27 Jun 2012, 13:08, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

( , Tue 26 Jun 2012, 20:33, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

( , Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:52, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Alternate between folding his penis into an origami owl, and trying to drown it like a mangy kitten in a bowl full of melted chocolate. Once the penis is sufficiently owl-shaped and/or conditioned to be terrified of chocolate, play loud Sousa marching music at it while slapping it rhythmically with a fly swatter. If these ministrations haven't brought your man to the highest heights of pleasure, finish off the sexy fun by super-gluing Fruit Loops to his shaft and mailing photos of your art project to Aunt Edna.
( , Mon 25 Jun 2012, 18:53, 7 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
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