A woman, covered in sticks...
...Is an ideal thing to beat shit off with...
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Mon 28 Jan 2013, 22:40, Reply)

Wish you had the courage to say exactly what you think? Want to argue with your wife over crisps? Or simply wish that your legs didn't work?...
...Drink 5 bottles of wine!
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Mon 28 Jan 2013, 19:43, Reply)

An ant, a marble and half a Smarties tube
make an excellent recreation of the Raiders of the Lost Ark opening scene...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Mon 28 Jan 2013, 18:50, Reply)

A stick, covered in shit,
makes an ideal weapon to beat women off with.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 28 Jan 2013, 11:54, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Annoy Morrissey
by being genuinely pleased for your friends should they achieve success in any field that they have pursued...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sun 27 Jan 2013, 21:35, Reply)

Avoid the mistake of calling your partner the wrong name during sex
by calling them all by the same pet name, i.e. Dangermouse.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sun 27 Jan 2013, 14:55, Reply)

Don't unsubscribe from unwanted marketing emails
mark them as junk and block the sender. If enough people do this, many ISPs will auto-block future sends from that email.
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Fri 25 Jan 2013, 19:25, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Cyclists.
When you're doing your 'I own the road' thing, and want to start a fight with whoever is annoying you, don't choose a motorcyclist who is wearing padded gloves, kevlar body armour, a pair of solid GRP reinforced boots and a crash helmet.

We're really quite difficult to beat up.
(username failed moderation, Fri 25 Jan 2013, 16:10, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

"English" makes an ideal replacement for "British".

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 25 Jan 2013, 11:33, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Tampons make ideal mannequins
for displaying baby mouse clothing.
( Muns, Fri 25 Jan 2013, 10:42, Reply)

If you have a shitload of coins that you have accumulated
Don't use those machines in supermarkets that take commission to count it, pay for your goods on the self service checkout with it all instead.
( Muns, Fri 25 Jan 2013, 10:40, Reply)

Have a glass of cold piss?
Pissing in it will slightly raise its temperature.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 24 Jan 2013, 2:43, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Legs cold?
Piss yourself.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 15:21, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Are your legs too hot but your head is too cold?...
...Wear your trousers as a hat!
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 12:35, Reply)

Eating ice-cream but find it's too cold?
Try pissing on it!
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 21 Jan 2013, 22:06, Reply)

Fruit Pastilles
When eating fruit pastilles as soon as you find your favourite flavour is next stop eating from that end of the packet. Open the other end and eat from that side instead.

That way your last fruit pastille will be your favourite and you won't be left with lime flavoured disappointment.
( Draconacticus Reject shampoo. Demand real poo!, Mon 21 Jan 2013, 18:09, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Receipts!
Don't store your receipts for the whole of the tax year in a drawer beside a radiator, the heat sensitive paper fades really easily.


Boo to having a stack of blank bits of paper.
( The Lurker Plenty One, Mon 21 Jan 2013, 18:04, Reply)

Any shit little town in Kasakhstan
makes an ideal replacement for Swindon.
(username failed moderation, Mon 21 Jan 2013, 16:00, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Eating ice-cream
with a knife and fork is just really odd.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 21 Jan 2013, 14:31, Reply)

Exonerate yourself from accusations of racism/sexism/general tactless observations
by adding the statement 'I speak as I find, me'.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 21 Jan 2013, 11:44, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Lancashire makes an ideal replacement for Yorkshire.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 21 Jan 2013, 11:34, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Old people: Feeling cold this winter? Why not try pissing yourself?
If you don't have kidneys ask a friend or relative to piss on you instead.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 21 Jan 2013, 0:51, Reply)

Cold hands? Save money on expensive gloves by pissing all over your hands.
This also works for cold feet too!
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 21 Jan 2013, 0:48, Reply)

Car iced up? Don't want to waste £££s on expensive de-icer? Just stand on your bonnet and piss all over the windscreen
Why not help your neighbours out by pissing all over their windscreens too?
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 21 Jan 2013, 0:46, Reply)

Make your own spider...
...by gluing pubes to a raisin.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Fri 18 Jan 2013, 14:10, Reply)

Old women
Brighten up my walk to work, by falling on your arse on the ice just in front of me. For added lols cry out and ask for help as I walk past you.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 18 Jan 2013, 10:16, Reply)

Always wanted to play matchmaker?
Next time you are at the pub, borrow your mate's phone, go have a shit and text "hi, contact me" to all the numbers scrawled on the wall. He'll soon be swatting them away with a shitty stick!
( Ken Oath, Thu 17 Jan 2013, 9:46, Reply)

Doctors: Avoid embarrassment by not spending so much time on a certain puerile website that you end up prescribing "b3ta blockers" for your patients.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 16 Jan 2013, 23:53, Reply)

Liverpool makes an ideal replacement for Manchester.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 16 Jan 2013, 9:24, Reply)

Help people out in case they're wondering what the weather's like
by telling them that it's snowing.

Might be an idea to update your Facebook and Twitter accounts, too.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 12:48, Reply)