Pretend you've just picked your car up from the garage
by pulling the driver's seat as far back as it will go and clipping all the seatbelts...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 3 Apr 2013, 13:31, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Ground frozen, yet still you feel the need for some digging?
Just start wailing on it with a pickaxe one morning.

Come back in the evening after some sun, and the top 4-6 inches will be unfrozen.
(GermanGuy invaded on, Mon 1 Apr 2013, 8:31, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Make reference
to a momentous yet tragic event in 20th Century history by shouting "OH THE HUMANITY!!" every time a balloon bursts...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 29 Mar 2013, 7:49, Reply)

People with herpes: That's what you get for being a slut

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 28 Mar 2013, 16:40, Reply)

People with emphysema: Maybe all that smoking wasn't such a good idea then eh?

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 28 Mar 2013, 16:39, Reply)

New mums: At your wits end because you're being kept awake by a crying baby? Broke because you can't work and what little money you have goes on baby clothes and food?
Should have thought of that before you had a baby then shouldn't you?
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 28 Mar 2013, 16:37, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Console England football fans
after the disappointing draw against Montenegro with the old footballing cliché 'it's a game of two teams'...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 27 Mar 2013, 16:23, Reply)

Ladies! Get men to do your bidding by offering to have sex with them on completion of the task.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 27 Mar 2013, 12:39, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

For the sake of argument
Call your mate's wife a an ugly stupid cheating fat bitch.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 24 Mar 2013, 22:56, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Liven up a boring social event
By self-immolation, as a protest against the changing of the name of Marathon to Snickers.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 22 Mar 2013, 11:31, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Make your own Heston Blumenthal...
...By drawing glasses on a potato.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Tue 19 Mar 2013, 23:10, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Don't want kids but not man enough to have a vasectomy?
Simply pop your testicles into the microwave at 800w for 5 minutes.
(Longer times required for lower powered microwaves or those with larger testicles)
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 20:20, 5 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Make a decent cup of tea in about 20 seconds
After you've filled the cup with boiling water and squidged the bag about a bit, microwave it for 10 seconds (no more), squidge bag, out, milk, done.

As a bonus, it's not just proper "5 min brew" strong, but proper hot, too.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 15:19, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Born with both male and female genitalia?
Go fuck yourself
(bunglist, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 13:40, Reply)

Siberian tigers make excellent "Economy Zebras" for the impoverished zoo enthusiast.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 9:14, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Pretend you're sitting at a piano
while at your desk at work by placing two upside-down spoons between your feet...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:21, Reply)

Can't think of any decent competition subjects on a comedy website?
Why not try a farm yard animal, again.
( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 12:22, Reply)

Sleep on the sofa.
It's more comfortable than you would have thought, and you can spend the night posting crap top tips on b3ta to take your mind off any gnawing doubts you may be having.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Wed 6 Mar 2013, 3:47, Reply)

While your wife's at work,
do not, I repeat, do NOT eat the box of chocolates you gave her for Valentine's day.

Also, apparently it's only domestic violence if it's the man doing the hitting. Who know?
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Wed 6 Mar 2013, 3:07, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

While your wife's at work,
eat the box of chocolates you gave her for Valentine's day. They're delicious.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Tue 5 Mar 2013, 20:55, Reply)

A Dragon Laser is NOT, repeat NOT any use
against the Ice level boss in Lightning Fighters.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 5 Mar 2013, 17:46, Reply)

Has your planet been taken over by humans who think they own things by planting flags and blowing shit up?
Kill them all before they nuke your planet from orbit.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 19:32, Reply)

Has your off-world terraforming colony been overrun and wiped out by Xenomorphs?
Simply take off and nuke the entire site from orbit! It's the only way to be sure…!
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 16:09, Reply)

Looking to invest money?
Don't give it to rob, he got fleeced by whoever he got to fix search.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:22, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Politicians
How about paying for your fucking bog roll yourself for a change?
(username failed moderation, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 9:45, Reply)

Vegetarians
make people think you're not a vegetarian by eating a big mac.
(username failed moderation, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 9:44, Reply)

Make women feel attractive by staring at their breasts and making suggestive comments.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 9:33, Reply)

easily remember a PIN number
by making it the same number as the date that you have always planned the massacre of the vegetable patch with an illegally held AK-47.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 1 Mar 2013, 0:34, Reply)

Government health nannies.
Running adverts about couples who like to drink wine in the early evening may have the oposite effect to the one you intend. It's hard enough taking a night off the booze as it is without some cunt reminding how good it is.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 16:21, Reply)

Banks: Ask customers for their "Porn star name."
Thus asking two security questions in one.
[Stolen from someone on Twitter]
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 16:17, Reply)