Running gags not as funny as they used to be?
You must be reading B3ta's Top Tips.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Wed 1 May 2013, 9:26, Reply)

Abraham, Martin, John and Bobby all vanished?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 30 Apr 2013, 16:56, Reply)

Rats vanished from your kitchen?
Blame UB40.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 30 Apr 2013, 16:46, Reply)

Something vanished from your garden?
Maybe you left it in the shed?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 30 Apr 2013, 14:40, Reply)

God disappeared?
Blame Nietzsche.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 30 Apr 2013, 13:50, Reply)

Goat disappeared from it's tether?
Probably not time to rejoice: there might be a Tyrannosaurus Rex on the loose!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 30 Apr 2013, 10:50, Reply)

Are the keys disappearing from your keyboard?
Then you've probab
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Tue 30 Apr 2013, 9:38, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Rats in your garden?
Clean up round your bins then, you slob.
(username failed moderation, Tue 30 Apr 2013, 9:03, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Fool people into thinking you're the Social Media Manager for a major corporation
by searching Twitter for furious, exasperated tweets (e.g. "FUCKING HELL THE YODEL DRIVER JUST KNOCKED ON THE DOOR THEN RAN OFF", "BASTARD TESCO IT'S SATURDAY AFTERNOON AND YOU'VE ONLY GOT ONE TILL OPEN") and then cheerfully replying "Hi! Can I be of assistance? We're here to help :)"
(costas, Mon 29 Apr 2013, 10:13, Reply)

Is the soil disappearing from your garden?
You might have an infestation of earthworms that go next door for a shit.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 27 Apr 2013, 17:07, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Old ladies disappearing from your garden?
You might have an infestation of Dr Harold Shipmans
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 27 Apr 2013, 17:05, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Wank disappeared from your cup of tea?
Probably not time to rejoice: you may have a headphones of mum!!!
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 23:23, Reply)

Save on molar hydrochloric acid, electricity, gas and water
By cutting off your children's hands.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 15:51, Reply)

Parents! Worried about your children picking up germs?
Run their hands under boiling water for a minimum of ten minutes to kill any bacteria and prevent illness.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 13:30, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

House disappeared from your garden?
Probably not time to rejoice: you're probably homeless.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 9:44, Reply)

Dinasaurs disappeared from your garden?
It was probably a large meteorite. You should be glad it didn't hit your house.
(username failed moderation, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 8:31, Reply)

Horses disappeared from your garden?
Don't worry, you may simply have an infestation of old women. They're dead, of course.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 3:39, Reply)

Salt makes idea "broken glass" for slugs.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 24 Apr 2013, 15:57, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Gnomes disappeared from your garden?
Rejoice, as it's most definitely a win-win situation. Then question why you had the fucking things in the first place!
( Muns, Wed 24 Apr 2013, 10:34, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Happiness disappeared from your life?
Probably not time to rejoice: it might be the onset of serious and long-running depression which will result in eventual suicide!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 24 Apr 2013, 10:24, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Horses suddenly vanished from your garden?
You might want to check THE FREEZER AISLE IN YOUR LOCAL TESCO LOLOLOLOL
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 24 Apr 2013, 9:18, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Bins disappeared from your garden?
STAY ABOUT FROM MY BINS
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 24 Apr 2013, 0:18, Reply)

Cows Vanished from your Garden?
Probably not time to rejoice: they may have been replaced by horses!!!
( Vambo, Tue 23 Apr 2013, 17:16, Reply)

Mods suddenly disappeared from your garden?
Probably time to rejoice: you might have an infestation of rockers!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 23 Apr 2013, 16:17, Reply)

Dogs suddenly vanished from your garden?
Probably not time to rejoice: you may have an infestation of cows!!!
(username failed moderation, Tue 23 Apr 2013, 13:26, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Tired of troublesome neighbours leaving their baby accessories laying about in a most untidy fashion?
Simply kill them in a house fire.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 23 Apr 2013, 12:47, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Salt,
makes ideal sugar for diabetics.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 23 Apr 2013, 11:38, Reply)

Prevent yourself being bummed in prison
By informing Mr Big that you aren't homosexual as soon as you walk in.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 23 Apr 2013, 11:37, Reply)

Cats suddenly vanished from your garden?
Probably not time to rejoice: you may have an infestation of dogs!!!
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 22 Apr 2013, 21:19, Reply)

Pretend to be George Osborne
By standing above Aldi or Lidl and pissing on everyone from above.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 22 Apr 2013, 12:12, Reply)