Small willie men in need of an ego boost?
Simply make love to your girlfriend during that time of the month and half way through pull out and exclaim "good god, I've split you in two!"
(railtrack boy, Mon 20 May 2013, 10:02, 5 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Got your wife or girlfriend pregnant in order to avoid queuing but no longer require her to be pregnant?
Push her down the stairs. Bang!
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sat 18 May 2013, 12:40, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Tired of paying Adobe's ridiculous prices?
Simply design everything in PowerPoint.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 17 May 2013, 10:31, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

don't like queuing?
Get your wife or girlfriend pregnant and bring them with you to the post office or airport check-in. Bang! Straight to the front of the line
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 16 May 2013, 21:04, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

enjoy the life of suspiciously empty roads
by dressing like a hollow chef.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 15 May 2013, 11:43, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

prevent an unpleasant night being quizzed by police
by not trying to immac a cat when drunk, especially when you have no logical reason why you would do such a thing.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 15 May 2013, 10:17, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

mullered
Don't throw away the Philladelphia when it gets runny.
Simply add a spoonfull of jam and HEY PRESTO!
Home Made Fruit Corner.
(TheDrunkenBear moved in with your mum on, Tue 14 May 2013, 22:58, Reply)

Convince other users of a public toilet
that you are a woman urinating in a cubicle, by deep frying some chips.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 14 May 2013, 14:59, Reply)

Avoid burning yourself with hot coffee in the morning,
by making it with warm water from the tap.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 14 May 2013, 14:52, Reply)

enjoy the life of hang on
by taking corners at ridiculous speeds on suspiciously empty roads.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 14 May 2013, 14:07, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Pretend you are in a real life version of facebook by
finding a dog that has been run over, dumping it on someones desk and screaming at them "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS???!!!!".

Then insist they take it and do the same to all their friends.

Then give them a photoshopped picture of the moon 5 x as large as normal, shining on some horses.
(username failed moderation, Tue 14 May 2013, 11:31, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

pretend you are in an augmented reallity version of Facebook
by doing a 'thumbs up' with both hands, every time a pretty girl does something.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 14 May 2013, 9:11, Reply)

enjoy the life of and underag ...
oh hang on ...
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 14 May 2013, 9:06, Reply)

enjoy the life of glitter
by having sex with underage girls.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 13 May 2013, 14:23, Reply)

enjoy the life of a clown
by throwing buckets of glitter over people in the street.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 13 May 2013, 11:46, Reply)

live life like a 1970s celebrity
by accidently touching a woman, then shitting it when the doorbell rings.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 13 May 2013, 11:43, Reply)

pretend your not gay
by calling the quiche youve just cooked, a flan.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 13 May 2013, 11:38, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Fellas
Make you wife wake up thinking she has bowel cancer, by placing 3 red smarties inbetween her buttocks whilst she is sleeping.
Depending of size of buttocks/available heat, cubes of red jelly and/or knorr stock gel caps can also be used.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 13 May 2013, 8:58, Reply)

Make people think you have a lift in your house
by cutting a hole in the ceiling in your hallway cupboard, and putting a ladder through it, allowing you to climb through to the upper floor of your house behind the closed cupboard door.
(username failed moderation, Fri 10 May 2013, 13:20, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Barbara Hewson...
...Probably best if you just keep your mouth shut from now on!
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Fri 10 May 2013, 12:38, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Cyclists
Avoid falling off and getting tangled up in the frame of your silly little machine by not ringing your bell at people to get out of the way when riding on pavements in central London.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 9 May 2013, 15:19, Reply)

Celebrities
Avoid future embarrassment by obtaining written consent and a copy of photo ID from someone you intend to have sex with.
( Muns, Thu 9 May 2013, 13:02, Reply)

Avoid long queues at the airport, delays in boarding, uncomfortable cramped conditions onboard
and unexpected charges levied by the airline, by chartering a private jet each time you wish to travel by air.

For short journeys, an unpleasant and slow bus ride is easily avoided by hiring a helicopter.
(username failed moderation, Thu 9 May 2013, 12:59, Reply)

Keep missing the bus? In the rain?
Buy yourself a car.
(username failed moderation, Thu 9 May 2013, 12:55, Reply)

Cut down on the amount of water you use when washing your hands,
by just admitting that you need some fucking help with your OCD, for fuck's sake.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 9 May 2013, 12:39, Reply)

Lift maintenance companies.
Clear out all the unwanted rubbish from that shaft by first sending down an office chair and some computer monitors.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 9 May 2013, 9:31, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Reduce danger by turning the lights out.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 9 May 2013, 9:23, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Job seekers
Move to Poland and steal all their jobs. See how they like it.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 8 May 2013, 20:36, 5 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Bus companies
Have an illuminated route number sign on the back of your bus, to alert you as it cheerfully drives away that you've missed the fucker.

In the rain.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 8 May 2013, 20:35, 1 reply, 12 years ago)