Asteroids make excellent party nibbles
for Galactus, Devourer of Worlds.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 1 Jun 2013, 14:23, Reply)

Lady bidet owners, can't afford a dog?...
...Attach a lead to your bidet and drag it around the street.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Fri 31 May 2013, 20:37, Reply)

Lady dog owners, Can't afford a bidet?
Do handstands in the shower.
(username failed moderation, Fri 31 May 2013, 14:03, Reply)

Trouble finding your mobile phone?
Superglue it to a cow. Unless your house is unusually large, you will rarely have trouble finding the cow.

As an added bonus, it is unlikely the cow will ever be on any floor except the ground floor, thus further cutting down the time required to find it.
(username failed moderation, Fri 31 May 2013, 14:00, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Always losing your car keys?
There is a small slot on the steering column of the car that is exactly the right size to hold the key.

When exiting the car, leave the key in that slot, and you will always know where it is.
(username failed moderation, Fri 31 May 2013, 13:58, Reply)

Do you keep losing your cordless phone or forget to put it on charge once you've made that all important call?
Attach the handset to the base station with a length of wire so that you can always find it. As a bonus tip, coiled wire is exceptionally effective for this purpose.
( Muns, Fri 31 May 2013, 10:36, Reply)

Make your phone feel much heavier than it really is
by Blu-Tacking it to your desk.
( krang, Thu 30 May 2013, 20:37, Reply)

Make your own tarsier...
...by sticking a chilli pepper up your cat's bottom.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Thu 30 May 2013, 14:07, Reply)

Make your wife act as if you've done the most awful thing imaginable....
...By sitting down for five minutes.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Thu 30 May 2013, 8:38, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Distribute some Childs porn.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 29 May 2013, 22:36, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Hit Adrian Childs.

(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 29 May 2013, 17:49, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Annoy Adrian Childs.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 29 May 2013, 12:06, Reply)

Annoy Adrian Childs
by repeatedly heading his spoon.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:28, Reply)

windolene
makes ideal 'blue curacau' for neighbours you dont like, that come round and wont leave.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:50, Reply)

Annoy Mr Head...
...By repeatedly hitting his spoon with your children.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Tue 28 May 2013, 23:46, Reply)

Lady dog owners. Can't afford a bidet?
Simply smear downstairs with Winalot and let Rover do the hard work.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:19, Reply)

People of Kansas and other hurricane prone areas -
Build your houses with many large holes in the roof and walls, this way the wind won't be able to carry your house away.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:30, Reply)

Annoy Mr Spoon
by repeatedly hitting the heads of your children with him.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Mon 27 May 2013, 12:44, Reply)

Annoy your children
by repeatedly hitting them on the head with a wooden spoon.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 24 May 2013, 15:42, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Amuse yourself at breakfast,
by nailing your wifes feet together when she's asleep.

Honestly, the sound of them falling down the stairs is like the end of Eastenders...
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 24 May 2013, 15:38, Reply)

Experience the feeling of a paranoid, dangerous schizophrenic for a bit
by drinking some mercury.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 24 May 2013, 15:36, Reply)

Upset aluminium foil by blowing bubbles with clingfilm.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 24 May 2013, 13:02, Reply)

Help slugs by glueing old seashells to them
thus turning them into snails.
(username failed moderation, Fri 24 May 2013, 10:02, Reply)

Put lots and lots of clip on 'hoop' earrings
onto a slug, to make a slinky that goes where the fuck it wants.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 22 May 2013, 23:43, 5 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

duvet cover manufacturers.
stop putting proper buttons at the ends thinking it's quaint. It's not, use Popper's to save us all the bother...
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 22 May 2013, 17:04, Reply)

men,
Fuck 30 something single mothers, by pretending to not be a lying, cheating, bastard.

Or going on netmums and lying...
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 22 May 2013, 16:15, Reply)

Thirty-something single mothers.
Find yourself a new life partner by not becoming a paranoid misery who's always banging on about how all men are lying, cheating bastards.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 22 May 2013, 11:37, Reply)

Women.
When you are 'upset' over nothing, as happens quite often. make sure your partner knows this by increasing the volume of your fake sobs and cries in relation to how far away from you he goes.
For bonus points, mumble something he just can't quite hear so he either doesn't hear it, giving you another reason to start a row, or has to come back downstairs for you tell him you said nothing.
Then repeat.....
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 22 May 2013, 9:53, Reply)