Keep snails away from your vegetable beds
By wrapping copper wire around the snails, feeding them iron filings and firing them over the fence like some sort of improvised gastropod rail-gun.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 11 Nov 2013, 10:27, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

Lose weight
by not carrying your library card on days that you do not intend to go to the library.
(username failed moderation, Mon 11 Nov 2013, 9:13, Reply)

Lose weight by eating a sensible diet and getting plenty of excercise.

( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sun 10 Nov 2013, 21:48, Reply)

Fool people into thinking you've got an
E-cigarette by standing in a doorway & blowing sherbet out of a biro.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 6 Nov 2013, 10:07, Reply)

Men! Reverse the effects of baldness using this queer old tip.
Quentin Crisp's bell end.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 5 Nov 2013, 17:55, Reply)

Can't think of anything decent to post on Top Tips?
Simply post some self-referential wank instead
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 4 Nov 2013, 22:10, Reply)

Run out of Jagermeister to make bombs?
Simply top up your shots with the amusingly named Hungarian drink Unicum, to make the grim-tasting but hilariously-named jager-cum bombs
( skullfunkerry In case of implosion do not look into implosion, Sun 3 Nov 2013, 12:43, 4 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Keep snails away from your vegable beds
by putting copper wire around them.
(Stibbins, Sat 2 Nov 2013, 14:26, 7 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Men make yourself feel like you have a manky vagina
By covering your genitalia with baby oil


And then acting like a cunt
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sat 2 Nov 2013, 9:21, Reply)

Former drug addicts.
Convince everyone that you're still on something by cultivating a zany, motormouthed and incredibly annoying personality on television.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 1 Nov 2013, 19:10, 3 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Got a pet name for your penis?
Complete the absurdity by having a penis name for your pet.

I've got a hamster called mutton dagger and a goldfish called Wang.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 1 Nov 2013, 13:49, Reply)

Never break into someone's house
And then try and sell the items on the same gay message board that the person you stole them from uses
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 1 Nov 2013, 12:53, Reply)

Never use a lot of long words
when a diminutive monosyllabic singularity will invariably suffice.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Fri 1 Nov 2013, 1:13, Reply)

Virgin Trains
Avoid having right fisted miserable cunts complaining about you where you will never see it about your first class service by lowering the price of a first class ticket to "2 potatoes and a child's weener" so sad children shaggers can afford it.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 1 Nov 2013, 0:37, 6 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Students
Prevent dropping out of university courses by not becoming obsessed with your own poo.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 1 Nov 2013, 0:34, Reply)

Virgin Trains!
Increase the capacity of your Birmingham to Euston service by reducing or abolishing the 1st class carriages! Four fucking 1st class carriages on a 9 or 11 coach train? There are never more than six rich fuckers is the 1st class anyway you wankers!
( Vambo, Thu 31 Oct 2013, 23:58, Reply)

Recreate the thrill of being a Victorian butler
by putting your laptop in a closed bedroom and watching the porn on it through door's keyhole.

Alternately, if you prefer the sexual thrill of role-playing a Scooby Doo villain, watch bedroom laptop porn from the void between walls without arousing suspicion, by cutting out eyeholes in a large portrait of the Laughing Cavalier and peering through them into the room.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 30 Oct 2013, 17:28, Reply)

Gays.
Get more anal by being sent to prison.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 30 Oct 2013, 11:21, 3 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Instead of normal bog roll
Use baby wipes to wipe your arse that way you don't have to waste time washing your hands as well.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Tue 29 Oct 2013, 22:05, Reply)

Lego bricks with milk makes an ideal breakfast for children.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 29 Oct 2013, 11:25, Reply)

Drivers.
Combat driving fatigue by taking the occasional nap while travelling at a constant speed. Keep them short and you might not die.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 29 Oct 2013, 11:08, Reply)

Men,
Tired of being married? Strangle the bitch then put her under the patio.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 28 Oct 2013, 12:59, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

Men,
Tired of being right? Simply get married.
(Inflatable Giraffe Punctureless since 1985, Sun 27 Oct 2013, 11:38, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

Fat?
Don't waste money on Weight Watchers. Instead, save it by buying less food and killing two birds with one stone.
(Inflatable Giraffe Punctureless since 1985, Sat 26 Oct 2013, 20:39, 2 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Russell Brand.
Stop talking, every time you do it makes you look like a fucking idiot.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 26 Oct 2013, 10:48, 2 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Put children in the vodka
To liven up adult jelly parties
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 25 Oct 2013, 21:48, Reply)

Put vodka in the jelly,
to liven up a dull childrens party.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 25 Oct 2013, 14:59, Reply)

When looking at mattresses in a store
make sure there is a bed or another mattress under them and not concrete and a gap in the middle like the two I jumped on earlier.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:12, 3 replies, latest was 11 years ago)