Movie producers...
...Want the public reaction to your upcoming film to be, "Oh god, not another one!"? Simply get Vince Vaughn to star in it!
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Wed 8 Jan 2014, 14:49, Reply)

and if you must drive through floods...
most car engines suck in air from a height somewhere between the axle height and the top of the front wheel. If the water reaches the hub, go slowly, try and make a bow wave and keep up with it without driving through it, so the low point after the wave coincides with the front wheel well.

Don't follow me into 8 inches of water in a hurry to stay in my wake, then complain when your car stops dead, as someone did a week ago.... (I think he thought as long as he drove where I had that he'd be ok, without wondering why I was only crawling through it with the clutch slipped.)
(Carpe Cyprinidae, Mon 6 Jan 2014, 22:20, 3 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Dab your brakes to dry them after plunging through a big puddle
to avoid one of those HILARIOUS "Oh fuck, my brakes don't work!" moments a few minutes later.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 6 Jan 2014, 13:49, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

When you buy your christmas tree
Cover it all over with SprayMount to prevent the needles falling all over the floor.

This doesn't work if you own a cat or a dog.

Or small children.

Or a naked flame come to think of it...
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 6 Jan 2014, 10:33, Reply)

Continue looking for stuff
For a while after you've found it. That way you will have found it more quickly.
(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Thu 2 Jan 2014, 17:22, Reply)

Amuse everyone you meet,
by telling them its only 355 days til christmas. People fucking LOVE that.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 2 Jan 2014, 12:23, 3 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Find your mother's porn name
By simply waiting for the credits.
(Eukanuba, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 20:28, Reply)

S&M enthusiasts: Wondering what to do with your old cristmas tree?
Try sticking it up your arse. For added effect you can push some of the smaller branches up your wee-hole.

Less hardcore S&M enthusiasts can spray their arse with furniture polish beforehand as it contains wax which will act as a lubricant.
(Albert Marshmal|ow Having a lovely holiday and I can prove it, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 14:35, Reply)

Prevent pot noodles.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 13:59, Reply)

Prevent pot noodles from squeaking
by spraying them with furniture polish.
(username failed moderation, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 8:54, Reply)

Don't leave tins of furniture polish lying around on your scruffy, damp yacht over winter
The salt spray and damp will rust the metal can and it will explode, coating your paper charts and pot noodles in beeswaxy gunk
(lazyman, Sun 29 Dec 2013, 3:31, Reply)

Spray furniture polish on anything made of metal on your yacht
Such as tools, brass locks, electrical wiring, navigation lights,
It contains beeswax which stops the salt spray rusting everything
(lazyman, Sun 29 Dec 2013, 3:26, Reply)

Squeaky hinges,
and other things that stick, can be eased by using spray furniture polish - it contains wax which will act as a lubricant.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 21:10, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

cat litter,
Stained black with used cooking oil, and mixed with salt. Makes ideal caviar, for poor guests you have round that have never had it before, nor will again.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 23 Dec 2013, 2:46, Reply)

Get carbon neutral by ensuring it has exactly six electrons.

( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 2:49, Reply)

Tired of getting sand kicked in your face?
Stop giving blowjobs to kangaroos.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 19 Dec 2013, 17:27, Reply)

Get a Carbon neutral status by just being nonchalant about the whole thing

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 12:06, Reply)

Get carbon neutral status by setting yourself on fire and then throwing yourself into the sea.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 16 Dec 2013, 11:34, Reply)

Get carbon neutral status by eating your own shit.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 20:10, Reply)

Female facebook addicts.
Glance up now and again to see how many dead cyclists, pedestrians and moped riders you've managed to accumulate smeared across your SUV's bonnet.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 19:26, Reply)

Remember to say 'I'm not racist but...'
Just before you set light to a wooden cross on your black neighbours front lawn. You may need to shout as the material from your white hood may muffle your voice.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 16:57, Reply)

cyclists
Paint a terrys chocolate orange box black, and stick it on your cycling helmet. With your new 'go pro' helmet attached, you can ride like an absolute fucking bellend through traffic and instigate violent confrontations with drivers and pedestrians.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 16:52, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Get carbon neutral status
by burning some old tyres or a settee after planting any trees.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 13:04, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Wish your parents were more transparent?
Get your dad a boob job for christmas.
(shane.kiwi, Thu 12 Dec 2013, 9:51, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

get carbon neutral status by buying a petrol-station bag of barbecue briquettes
and bury them in a peat bog for 4,000 years.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 12 Dec 2013, 1:56, Reply)

Carry a wooden letter A around with you...
...so that when you visit a single friend who has those letter decorations that spell "NOEL", you can rearrange them to remind your friend that they will spend Christmas "ALONE".
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Tue 10 Dec 2013, 20:18, 5 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Boot the grime of this world in the crotch, dear.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 10 Dec 2013, 19:21, Reply)

Pachyderms playing golf on your face?
You've got elephant eye tees.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 10 Dec 2013, 15:52, Reply)

Strange hooting noise every time you take a dump?
You've got owl cancer.
(shane.kiwi, Tue 10 Dec 2013, 14:29, 1 reply, 12 years ago)