Computer Geeks!
Recreate the 'good old days' of the Internet by unplugging your phone line half way through downloading a song.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 19:56, Reply)

Amuse airport security guards
By pointing a novelty gun-shaped cigarette lighter at them and shouting 'Allah al akbar' whilst fiddling frantically under your jumper.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 19:49, Reply)

Prevent small mammals
from hibernating for the winter by standing outside of their burrows banging pots and pans together for several months.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 19:43, Reply)

Pulled over for drink driving?
Suck on a copper coin. If this doesn't work (it won't) then suck on a copper. This does work.
(Banster Daddy or Uncle? Daddy or Uncle? Hmm. Both please!, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 18:27, Reply)

African Help
If you get an email from a friendly African sounding chap offering you 14 million dollars, don't be sceptical. Give your bank and personal details to him and expect the money usually in about 7 to 10 working days. I have done this several times now and it really does work.

Regards.

Charles Mumdabozarla
(Banster Daddy or Uncle? Daddy or Uncle? Hmm. Both please!, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 18:19, Reply)

Uncle Love
If your retiring uncle asks you to pull him off, just do it. You will get better Christmas presents, and a secret you can both share.
(Banster Daddy or Uncle? Daddy or Uncle? Hmm. Both please!, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 17:50, Reply)

An accoustic guitar
Makes an ideal pretend tennis racket.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 14:56, Reply)

City Gents!
During your daily commute to work, hold a 1980's scientific calculator up in front of your face and jab at it randomly with a cocktail stick. People will think that you have the latest and greatest 'Smartphone'.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 14:53, Reply)

Amy Winehouse
Big haired, horse faced, tattooed, talentless, tranny tart Amy Winehouse; after counting the money you make for your inexplicably successful single Rehab, don’t forget to put some aside for the plagiarism suit you’ll face from the writers of the song Mustang Sally.

Oh I forgot, the reason your songs are so successful is that some people actually enjoy having bleeding ears.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 13:13, Reply)

DON'T
Just don't
(kirstylyn, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 13:07, Reply)

Push Starting - the Easy Way
Need to push start your car?

Drop it into reverse and push it backwards. The revs are lower and it's easier for the engine to kick in.
(Cryptoprocta has abandoned the username of Voodoo Mary, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 11:49, Reply)

Parents!
No parenting skills? Can't control your children? Should have used a blob? Don't worry - pretend it's the kids' fault by saying they have ADHD and putting them on Ritalin.
(><(((">, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 9:28, Reply)

Low-grade office grunts!
Pretend you're successful and important by spending your entire morning train commute poring through piles of paperwork with an earnest expression on your face.
(><(((">, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 9:24, Reply)

Three tips
1) If your rear-end is starting to feel a little full, then it may need a little emptying out.

2) Sleeping with a fan on all night is absolute h-e-double hockey sticks on your throat, especially in the late months of fall.

3) If a free porn site says "all you have to do is sign up with your e-mail" stop! Nothing in life is that easy, you will become prime spam bait.
(travishayes89 is tired of people starting fights at school., Sun 17 Jun 2007, 6:03, Reply)

Witch Hazel
Is a magic elixir for minor burns, it simply makes them disappear. No joke. Use cotton wool and soak onto affected area. Keep it in the fridge for extra effectiveness.

In fact it's great for ANY sort of skin ailment, chaffing or otherwise.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 5:22, Reply)

Chop the legs off horses
and use them as bobsleighs.
( routine has perfected burgers, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 16:22, Reply)

ahem
Whilst wanking in the toilet aim in the bowl.
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 15:30, Reply)

teeths
When having achey/painful teeth, rinse your toothbrush with hot water to brush your teeth with. This softens the bristles and therefore is not so painful.

ALSO! If having left own toothbrush at home when away, borrow your boyfriends/girlfriends and pour boiling water on first. Destroys all the bugs.
(dragondracus, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 22:16, Reply)

and an add on to the one below.
He is also the guy to avoid if your thinking of putting wrigleys thin ice mint strips on your bell end for pleasure.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 22:10, Reply)

Just a quick one
If a bloke in the pub tells you that the easiest, safest and cleanest way to remove haemorroids is using a pair of toenail clippers to cut them off at the root, I suggest you ignore this man.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 22:06, Reply)

Arctic Monkeys fans
Don't waste money buying their latest albums. Simply play any track by the white stripes and shout nonsensical lyrics over it loudly in a ridiculous, semi-northern accent.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 19:43, Reply)

Don't waste money
On an expensive Apple Mac computer. Simply buy an ordinary PC and always use it in 'safe mode' thus severely limiting its capabilities.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 19:26, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Don't waste money
On an expensive home burglar alarm system. Just stay indoors all of the time and make loud 'whooping' noises whenever anybody knocks on your door.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 19:14, Reply)

Gentlemen! Don't waste money
on expensive dental floss. Simply move your jaw up and down in a gaping, guppy fish-style motion whilst performing oral sex on your girlfriend / wife / fiancee
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 19:11, Reply)

A Woodlouse
impaled laterally on a cocktail stick makes an ideal improvised mascara brush.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 19:06, Reply)

Need something more effective than glue?
Melt the back of an (old) toothbrush and use the liquified plastic as if you were soldering.

I used this method to reconnect two parts of the mechanism that moves the laser of my Playstation. PS2 is as good as new again. Crude, but effective.

Note: Avoid breathing in the fumes and don't burn yourself or your house.
(Carbon-based Life Form Wake up, Cthulhu!, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 18:55, Reply)

Stop buying snacks and sweets at the supermarket!
...by brushing your teeth with a dollop of very minty toothpaste before you go. By the time most of us are adults, minty toothpaste makes it unpleasant to eat or drink anything after brushing, including the temptation to buy crisps and beer.

Your teeth will look even nicer too.
( johnsto, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 18:51, Reply)

Light and lovely cakes.
Making cakes, either fairy or victoria? Find they end up flat and dense? Try adding a splash of milk (or water if you're cheap) to make the mix sloppier. This way, they rise higher.
(Skittlemcfluff ......................, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 18:05, Reply)

How to boil eggs in under a minute!
To make a hard-boiled egg in a microwave:
- Break the egg into a bowl (be sure to break the yolk as well).
- Cover the bowl with some cling film and make a few holes in it.
- Now put the bowl in the microwave for about 40 seconds at 800 watts, then scoop your hard-boiled egg out with a spoon.
- Enjoy your hard-boiled egg.

Remember: putting eggs in a microwave with their shells on will make them explode. Which may sound like fun, but cleaning the eggy gunk from your microwave isn't really that much fun, so always do try at your friend's house.
( RarelyEvil, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 17:31, Reply)