Want to look better?
Its easy all you have to do is simply hang around with fat disgusting looking people and there you go your beautiful, enjoy.
(Monoball, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 23:59, Reply)

A little lardy?
And wanting to loose weight? Go for a shit. I just lost 1 lb with this method in a matter of minutes - if I keep it up for the rest of the month, I'll be welcomed into anorexia loving facebook groups in no time at all!
(Merrep, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 21:50, Reply)

when in a Q that is alphabetical
pretend you have recently had your name changed to something begining with two A's
(gobbledegook blurs the line between lurking and stalking, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 17:04, Reply)

when playing experts at chess
play so appalingly that none of their clever tactics and strategys are of any use to them at all.
(gobbledegook blurs the line between lurking and stalking, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 17:01, Reply)

When having marmite on toast
Don't. Just fucking don't.
(Intel_Inside, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 1:11, Reply)

want a smoke detector with a 'snooze' button
... as mentioned in this weeks newsletter?

They exist. Just go and buy one.
(haberman is singing in the changes, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 20:52, Reply)

Chat Up lines
Get your coat i've got a knife


gets the girls every time
(cheddars Get that man a drink, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 18:24, Reply)

Working from home?
Missing that office atmosphere? You can recreate it by leaving dirty crockery around your kitchen, never flushing your toilet, and having your phone conversations standing right outside your neighbour's door.
(><(((">, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 6:36, Reply)

Amaze your friends by opening beer bottles - better than the lighter method
1. Grasp beer bottle in one hand
2. Take firm hold of metal spatula in the other
3. Give the bottom of the bottle 2 good hard taps with the flat of the spatula
4. Immediately after administering the taps, strike the edge of the bottle cap with the edge of the spatula (i.e. upwards in the direction of the longitudinal axis of the bottle). This may take some practice.

If done correctly, the bottle top will fly 20 or 30ft into the air with a satisfying pop.

If done incorrectly (as I usually do) the first time misses, the second time lifts the edge of the bottle cap, and the third attempt takes half the neck of the bottle off as well as the bottle top.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 14:22, Reply)

new QOTW
when changing the question of the week topic, make sure it happens at a time when Vipros can get the first post, thus making all his birthday dreams come true
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 11:30, Reply)

Bored of changing duver covers?
Next time you pick a duvet cover up prior to the inevitable wrestling match with the duvet(inside out of course, by the two furthest away corners), pretend you're at Abu Ghraib.
(Countryslicker, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 11:17, Reply)

Emetophiles
Get the object of your desires to drink a large glass of room-temp Zubrowka really fast. Instant cookie-toss!
(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Tue 7 Aug 2007, 22:15, Reply)

Try this with a friend...
It's a bit like bogeys. Shout a persons name in turn gradually getting louder. Whoever gets them to turn around loses.
(murlo, Tue 7 Aug 2007, 14:40, Reply)

...
Normal-sized Mars Bars make ideal mini sized Mars Bars for giants.
(Monoball, Tue 7 Aug 2007, 12:09, Reply)

Hiccups
If you have the hiccups, burp and they'll go away-it frees the trapped air. So learn to belch on cue!
(SpiffyBalak, Mon 6 Aug 2007, 22:05, Reply)

...
FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.
(theonetheycallalex YAY!, Mon 6 Aug 2007, 14:27, Reply)

How to embiggen the smallest man...
Everyone says that shaving your pubes makes your cock look bigger.

I've found that it's much easier to just have sex with young children.
(swander, Sun 5 Aug 2007, 20:01, Reply)

Advertisers!
Don't waste money on ineffective TV advertising campaigns. Simply sell your product door-to-door instead. (This also means that when you interrupt our favourite TV shows to shout in our faces, we'll be able to kick your head in, instead of just turning the sound off like we do now.)
(><(((">, Sun 5 Aug 2007, 7:39, Reply)

Tight fisted posers??
Thinking of buying an expensive personallized number plate? Use your loaf and change your name by deed poll instead!

LA51 PJH esq.
(El Bastardo, Fri 3 Aug 2007, 18:16, Reply)

Husbands
Avoid getting an earful from your wife for leaving the toilet seat up by simply pissing in the sink.
(Monoball, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 0:11, Reply)

Tourists!
On London Underground trains it is prohibited to stand in the space between the seats. This must be kept clear for emergencies. Please instead stand as near to the doors as you can.
(><(((">, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 21:59, Reply)

How to pull the fittest bird in the club/bar/street etc.
One word, Chloroform....
(FATSHARK smokey flange, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 19:29, Reply)

Want to pull the birds?

Be really good looking, charming, fit, funny, intelligent, rich, famous and talented with a massive cock. Soon they'll be flocking round you like flies round a big steaming turd.




Well that's what works for me anyway
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 1 Aug 2007, 12:50, Reply)

Depressed?
Cheer the fuck up then, you miserable cunt.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 9:43, Reply)

Blow
Even if your in a hurry, take the time to blow on your hot food before you put it in your fucking mouth.

I constantly need to remind myself this lesson very other day.
(Poo_Pipe_Pirate, Tue 31 Jul 2007, 16:05, Reply)

Camera phone users
Found yourself on the scene of a world-changing event? Be a 'citizen journalist' and send the pictures to the BBC for free. Then you won't have to worry about being suffocated underneath the mountains of cash you'd otherwise have got paid for them.
(><(((">, Tue 31 Jul 2007, 0:00, Reply)

Great survival tip
Did you know that sharks will only attack you when you are wet.
(Monoball, Mon 30 Jul 2007, 23:48, Reply)

Embarrassingly well endowed?
Simply drive a 'chick magnet' sports car and everyone will think you haven't got a penis.
(><(((">, Mon 30 Jul 2007, 15:09, Reply)