Stop
posting top tips from old copies of Viz - gibbon felchers
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 18:36, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Boil in the bag...
Make your own budget boil in the bag cod in parsley sauce by simply scraping the breadcrumbs off a fish finger and slipping it inside a used condom.
(Chewy , masticating since 1978., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 18:16, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Dinner serving tip
Make ice cream & chocolate sauce an exciting dessert treat at your next dinner party by shoving some mars bars up your arse and shitting the melted chocolate out onto the ice cream in front of your guests. For extra crunchiness gorge on peanuts for 2 days prior to serving.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 12:26, Reply)

Sex in public loos tip
When banging someone in a public loo put a tesco packet on each shoe. That way when someone comes round to check they'll look under the door and only see two feet and two bags of shopping.

(thanks to my brother for this top tip)
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 12:09, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Find your Nearest Take Away, Offy or Dealer anywhere!
If you are in a town you are unfamiliar with, and in need of cheap food, cheap booze and some sniff.

Ask a passing chav where the nearest big council estate is (get them to grunt more slowly if you cant understand them at first attempt) then take a cab and hey presto its happy days all the way.

If you are really desperate you can almost certainly move in with one of the the local fat tarts for a couple of days for the price of a WKD and a line or two.
(nitro fan, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 12:08, Reply)

NHS Direct
Don't waste your time and money phoning NHS Direct - just go and see the doctor 'cos that all they ever tell you to do anyway.
(ShockerMocker, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 10:42, Reply)

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PLEASE sponsor me!

Citadel/Sean
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 18:04, Reply)

If someone tells you to grow up
reply "I tried it once but didn't like it"
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 12:16, Reply)

Don't believe anything SuperDrug say on their packaging.
They LIE!! I bought some lube that said 'apply to area for mildly tingling sensation'. Obviously in such a situation where you aren't sure exactly how tingly it will be you apply to your partners 'area' first without telling her that they had run out of the normal stuff. Cue much cursing, a tantrum, loss of sex drive(hers, not mine - obviously) and accusations that I was a cheapskate for buying superdrug lube. This only goes to show that they are lying bastards and shouldn't be trusted. I hate the way the blame was shifted onto me for their obviously blatent misrepresentation of a product. Always read the label and do the exact opposite what it says on all superdrug products as they cannot be trusted.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:11, Reply)

Quantities of mucus
Need quantities of something that looks like mucus? Make up some thick Bird's custard and add a splash of blue food colour. The resemblance is frightening, including the way it thickens as it cools. Salt can be added for a more realistic taste if necessary.
(Skittlemcfluff ......................, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 20:01, Reply)

Office Hilarity
Occasionally, an office worker may have cause to sit at the desk of a fellow employee while that employee is away. If such a scenario arises in your workplace, you can elicit untold mirth by humourously addressing that person using the name of the employee whose seat they have taken. For example, if employee Gunter is sitting at the desk of employee Susan to install software on employee Susan's PC while she is using the photocopier, you would greet employee Gunter with the words 'Good morning, Susan!'.

Seriously. People shit their fucking pants laughing. Every time.
(costas, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 21:24, Reply)

Laundry basket storage advice
Never store your laundry basket in the bathroom.

This increases the liklihood of accidentally throwing your undergarments into the pisser when drunk / knackered.

Or is that just me?
(Mean Mad Mutski, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:07, Reply)

Window cleaners at traffic lights
I've tried this in France and the UK and it works: if you oddly don't want your car windscreen "washed" by those twits that hang around at traffic lights, just say in a loud voice "It's not my car". Works every time.
(Alaning, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 11:15, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

In reply to TMAce...
Tips on opposing "bored" people such a TMAce there...

A simple stab to the face should do :)

Love ya really dear x
(ShortPurple is still trying to think of a decent board sig on, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 11:57, Reply)

Bored, or just a malicious bastard?
1) If you're still at school and shit bored, try this one (you gotta be sitting next to a mate). Pretend to whisper about someone, looking guiltily and them or waving and smiling every time they "catch" you.It's top notch fun depending on who you get, and it certainly makes my science lessons fun!

2) Be a complete cunt to someone for no reason, and if they ask why just say something along the lines of "You don't know what you've done yet, but you will...". Keeps 'em guessing it does :)

3) When someone tells you to shut up, do it. It surprises them. Also, write everything down on a piece of paper instead of saying it. I did it today for around half and hour and I had numerous threats concerning my testicles and peoples' fists. o_0

But by God it was fun...
(TMAce needs to enter another image challenge sometime, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 11:55, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Builders
Why not piss everyone off by doing all the drilling, banging and other noisy work at 7.30 am, especially at weekends, and once you've got everyone out of bed the wrong side go off and have a four hour tea break before doing the quiet work?

You mean you do that already? Never...
(eesnahk, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 18:35, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Chavs
Chav infested areas seem directly proportionate to the amount of flowers and pictures of small kids and dead teen drivers selotaped to lamp posts.

Here's a thought, if you taught them some common fucking sense instead of leaving them to play in the main road and later twock cars all fucking day, maybe you'll save on flowers later.
( ..wil, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 17:16, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Do people keep breaking into your bathroom via your toilet and try to kill you?
Install a bear in your toilet.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 2:40, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

boy-racers et al.
Have you fitted extremely large sub-woofers in the front of your car? Don't turn them up to impress some girlies walking past whilst you're stopped at traffic lights behind me.

I had to pull over because I couldn't drive from laughing so much when I looked in the mirror just in time to see your airbag go off.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:40, Reply)

Arrested
Avoid getting convicted of assault by not misinterpreting the sign "Blind People"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:35, Reply)

Computer
Don't leave your computer logged in when you go to the toilet as the number of IT problems you suffer seem to be inversely proportionate to the number of friends you have.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:31, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Cross the line
Push the bar on what is acceptible on B3ta by making light of campus gun rampages.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:28, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Gonna shoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oot, the whole world down
Planning on gunning down loads of students at college in a frenzied psychotic rampage? Maintain all mystique of your persona by not bragging about it on YouTube the day before.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:27, Reply)

Norway
Careful when visiting Norway as it is now illegal to whistle the theme tune from The A Team.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:24, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

When in an interview,...
.. with 2 interviewers playing 'good cop, bad cop';
When the 'bad cop' starts pressurizing you and getting under your skin, dont tell him you're walking out of the interview because "he's a twat and clearly wasting your time with pointless questioning".. You wont get the job.
(Vic Flange, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 9:49, Reply)

Horrible co-worker left their computer logged on whilst going to the loo?
Right click on the desktop background, choose properties, and then the appearance tab. Quickly work through all the options, changing every foreground and background colour to white, and change the wallpaper to white. You should be able to change text, background colours, highlight colours, et al. They won't have a clue how to change it back.
( Awesome Welles petitioning for foetuses to be rebranded 'wombles', Thu 12 Jun 2008, 21:42, Reply)

If you want to make a QOTW suggestion
Wait till late Wednesday or early Thursday, as it's less likely to get buried under everyone else's
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 11:33, Reply)