Potential ambulance service punters and relatives
1) Don't greet us with the words "you'll need a stretcher". If you're an accountant, would you expect me to come to your work and say "you'll need a calculator"? No...then fuck off.

2) If you call an ambulance, make some kind of effort to make yourself/your house visible. Turning on an outside light. Getting someone to stand outside to wave us down (see point 3). Giving the operator an idea of local landmarks. Saying "I'm in Newcastle"does NOT help....)

3) If you are aforementioned waving gimp. A simple sticking out of hand as if you were hailing a taxi will suffice. Performing actions that make you look like an epileptic mating with a windmill will not expedite our arrival. In fact we may just drive past for the hell of it.

4) If you got yourself upstairs, you can sure as fuckery get yourself downstairs.

5) Abdominal pain does not affect the motor function of the legs. You can still walk.

6) If I came and sat in your house, pissed on the floor, threw up on myself and fell asleep on a chair, you may be put out. So don't do it on my fucking ambulance.

7) Don't even fucking think about hitting me. I hit back. Harder. And I can kill you and leave no trace.

8) Unless there is a very good reason, you go to the A&E of my choice. Good reasons include a: it's a skive b: it's a fun drive c: it's about lunchtime and the canteen is good d: the nurses are all sluts and e: because I'm a vindictive bastard.

9) Did I mention that if you do succeed in assaulting me, my friends the police will make sure you get nicked. And hurt. And will causally remark to some of their sources inside that you are a kiddie fidler.

10) Grannies pay attention: if you have chest pain, don't wait until the morning to call because "you didn't want to be a bother." Trust me, be a bother (this is probably the most serious point - if you have chest pain, call 999/911 for fuck's sake!)

11) If you've been drinking, don't lie about the amount. We're not fucking cretins.

12) If you've taken drugs, tell me. I can guess. And so can the purple elephant. Trust me, the majority of us have experienced unofficial medication in the past, so we know when we are being lied to.

13) Girls: if your mate is lying on the ground vomiting after downing 15 shots of sambuca, do not tell us her drink has been spiked. Your friend looks like something the japanese would kill for research. It would take something that would normally be used for anaesthetising bull elephants to bring her down, and nobody, not even a raving pervert, would shag it.

14) Being above the 5th floor in a block of flats is a capital offence.

15) If your first words to us are "you took your time" then they may also be your last.

16) Living in the middle of nowhere has its advantages. It also means that it may take a bit of time to get to you. We drive vans, not the starship enterprise.

17) If you are a scrote, and you are cold and fancy going to the A&E for a bit of food and a cup of tea...tell me. Don't lie and say you have chest pain.

18) We can spot a fake fit 5 miles off.

19) If you have a very sick baby, an ambulance crew will appear behind you by magic.

20) We do care, but the job does get to you. So please take the cynicism, sick humour and bad fucking temper with a pinch of salt. Especially if you call me out at 5 minutes before shift end.
Thanks to bwts.org with some of this stuff. Believe me, it's all true...
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Tue 12 Feb 2008, 6:03, 14 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Nice one
Have a clicky :)
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 10:02, Reply)

Love it!
Especially the sambuca reference. Reminds me of an ex who downed enough booze to pacify a polar bear on a night out despite skipping meals and then suggested she'd had her drink spiked when she passed out.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 12 Feb 2008, 12:27, Reply)

ambulances
Should use this in the adverts instead of the bollocks about which ones a taxi, We'll all take notice and not hassle the paramedics, Won't we?
(uugee, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 22:38, Reply)

Great tips
I love ambulance crews. Especially as they tend to have a very dark sense of humour. Cracking jokes about organ donation kept me conscious and sane after a nasty bike crash.

Ooh and oxygen masks are the best things EVER :-D I bet you use a bit yourself at the end of a crap day.
( Peregr1n @peregr1n, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 21:10, Reply)

I agree with everything
except 3 and 5.
But since nobody reads replies to their own posts I won't elaborate.
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 14:35, Reply)

4 years later, I think you're right about the reply thing

( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 14:07, Reply)

Absolutely

( Black Moon Not cracked, I'm all up to be., Tue 11 Nov 2014, 20:50, Reply)

A few of my mates do this thankleess job and im sure they couldnt agree more
Also i have heard the "ive had my drink spiked" line more times than i can remember, of course it usually has been spiked, but with nothing more sinsister than about 20 more breezer/WKD/smabuccas etc!
( caffeinefreak, Fri 29 Feb 2008, 9:53, Reply)

We drive vans,
... not the Starship Enterprise. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHH... just spat out my tea all over my co-worker... thankya! Clicky click click ^^^
(hangableautobulb is an anagram of the best album ever, on, Tue 11 Mar 2008, 16:51, Reply)

this is fucking hilarious
well done!
( SickRik float like a camembert sting like a brie, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 16:02, Reply)

19) very true. Thank you, twice
(balidey balidey balidey, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 21:44, Reply)

Ditto that!
But thankfully only once.

Thank you!
( <>Dog www.stevelaker.blog, Tue 24 Jan 2012, 16:23, Reply)

About the twatting
How often do people try to twat you and who are they, usually?
Over here in the Netherlands there're all sorts of adverts on TV along the lines of, "Please don't assault the paramedics."

Seems to actually be a bit of a problem the amount of attention it gets.
(Frozen_Banana Shaved against the grain; thoroughly unrewarding., Sat 21 Jan 2012, 18:38, Reply)

Leaving in droves (wtf is a drove?)
Over 6 years on & all the points are as relevant as they were then (some more so).
Perhaps I could add #21:

It's estimated that we are now 3000 Paramedics short & there's little or no hope of retaining/recruiting that number anytime soon. Added to the number that are quitting, there are a worryingly large number that have committed suicide (and funnily enough they're surprisingly good at it). So if you've taken 5 Amoxycillin and want to try telling us that you were trying to commit suicide, don't expect a great deal of sympathy (the only place you're going to find it in an ambulance is in the dictionary - hint; it's between Shit & Syphilis)
(stygof, Sat 25 Oct 2014, 16:11, Reply)