Dr. Shambolic, Amorous Badger.
'nuff said.
(nolongernuts, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:09, 53 replies)

Cheers.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:13, closed)

This post is effectively a red flying cat to two autism bulls

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:14, closed)

I love this response!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:15, closed)

Flying cat! Thrown cat, more like.

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:20, closed)

POTW.
EDIT: Just realised I read it as "two autism balls" which I think is funnier.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:23, closed)

Hahahaha
POTW
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:33, closed)

Excellent!

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:27, closed)

Worst. Story. Ever.
I didn't even laugh once.
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:16, closed)

Cool story bro.
Sorry, I mean 'sis'. I find it so hard to keep up.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:18, closed)

I made this for you


You could actually get this made and then you find it much easier to both fling your cats and show your bumhole at the same time.

EDIT - sorry it's not a great picture, in case anyone is unclear, the 10 unit weight is supposed to fall on the opposite end of the pivot to the cat, this then fires the cat at either your bumhole, or if you wanted to move the device in front of a window, at your window.

EDIT 2 - Sorry again, just so everyone is clear on this, you don't actually have to be kneeling in front of the device spreading your bumhole for it to work. It would work perfectly well if you were wearing pants and standing on the other side of the device. But you would have to make sure you didn't distract your cat and make it climb off the seat because it definitely wouldn't work then.

EDIT 3 - sorry, I'll really try and make this the last edit, but I just had a thought, a way of keeping your cat still would be to stun it, maybe hit it's head on something, maybe the pane of glass in your front window, then you could force a couple of pennies down it's throat. It's unlikely to move much for while which would give you ample time to release the weight. Also, the advantage of doing this is that the pane of glass in your window would be weakened and the cat has more chance of going straight through rather than rebounding and forcing you to set everything up again.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:20, closed)

I can't see this at work but i know what it is and I'm catbumlolling hard

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:21, closed)

editing lols

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:25, closed)

But what music should we be listenin to?
And what do we do with our fishing poles?
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:26, closed)

Do we have to have 10 handbags for this to work?
I only have 8.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:27, closed)

Sorry for any confusion, if you see Edit 1
you will notice that it's actually a 10 unit weight. The units can be whatever you want really, but I would try and make sure that each unit is about the same as a cat to ensure you are applying sufficient torque to properly fling the cat.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:32, closed)

Understood.
So I need a cat that weights the same as 10 handbags; should be easy to find.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:36, closed)

Found one.
A ginger moggy was hiding under my collection of antique tampons, trying to coax a tiny shrew out from a disused Smarties tube.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:37, closed)

Oops no. It's not a cat...
...it's a ginger wig I use when I want to "lez it up" with the missus.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:40, closed)

No, you've misunderstood
the cat should weigh about a tenth of a handbag, if you only have one handbag. But you said you had 8 handbags, so you could get away with a cat that weighed 8/10 of a handbag.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:38, closed)

Maybe if I take the cat to the handbag shop
and purchase one that weighs the same?
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:40, closed)

You want to take the cat and a handbag to the scales shop and make sure they weigh the same.
If they don't, you can trim hair/claws/limbs from cat until they do.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:46, closed)

The security guard removed me from House of Fraser
Apparently you're not allowed to bring animals in, unless it's a guide dog.

So, can I use a dog instead of a cat? Reckon I can get in if I slap on some dark glasses and tape a high-viz jacket round next-doors jack russell.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:47, closed)

Nah, wouldn't work
no-ones ever thrown a dog through a window or a screen door after shoving pennies down it's throat. That would be awful.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:50, closed)

Aye true.
I shall have to give this one a miss, but I was fully committed up until that point.

Actually, next door but one have some rabbits - any chance I could...
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:53, closed)

Yeah, don't be a cunt, 'brown-wings'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:54, closed)

it's no wonder everyone hates you.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:48, closed)

I've often wondered about the reasons
I'm glad you've cleared that up.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:49, closed)

I must have missed the "everyone hating Al" part

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:56, closed)

It was about 4:30 - you were in a meeting.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:57, closed)

oh ok
thanks for letting me know
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:59, closed)

About everyone hating Al

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:59, closed)

if I were in a meeting about everyone hating Al
then surely I'd know that everyone hated him.

good god man, you really are as stupid as you look
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 19 May 2011, 17:00, closed)

I thought that was a scientific impossibility but, by God, you're right.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 17:01, closed)

we all know you sit through meeting twiddling your ball beard
as your slow 2:2 brain tries to keep up, it's entirely possible that you had no idea what the meeting was about.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 May 2011, 17:04, closed)

We had a party and everything
Printed badges, newsletters, t-shirts, but that was way back in 1999 - we don't party like that any more.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:59, closed)

Oh, we're HATING him now?
Jesus, every week it's different. Love al, hate al, damn it, I think we need a chart, or a downloadable google calendar.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 19 May 2011, 17:09, closed)

How does one drop the weight while spreading cheeks?
I think I have an elegant solution to this problem.

If instead of a ten weight one were to arrange 10 cats, the individual mass of each cat does not matter so long as their combined mass is 10x that of the projectile kitten, in a circle facing inwardly to the mass receiving end of the lever. On this end one tapes a mouse and then cover it with a cup (polystyrene or paper) with a string attached.

All then one has to do is hold the string in either hand when clutching buttock and shuffle forwards. The mouse is thusly exposed and the cat collective pounce simultaneously to launch the projectile cat into one's bot bot.

It goes with out saying this requires the projectile cat to be facing away from the bait mouse otherwise it will become distracted and not fully focused on its special mission.
( Draconacticus Reject shampoo. Demand real poo!, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:57, closed)

blindfolded projectile cat

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:58, closed)

You see, this is what you can achieve when everyone works together.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 19 May 2011, 17:02, closed)

I have consulted my Wilf Lunn Book of Machines
and I reckon a string attached to your big toe, pulling on a match hinged on the side of the matchbox, which lights a candle that burns through a string holding up the weight.

Safety Warning: don't fart whilst the candle is lit.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Thu 19 May 2011, 17:05, closed)

as per edit 3: the pennies may also help to keep the neck sturdy and straight
good work Al.
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:30, closed)

Of coure the delicous irony is that this post will end up on Amorous's fail blog
thus completing the circle and bringing about the four Accords of the apocalypse
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:21, closed)

no rory lyon?
missed opportunity perhaps.
( camp freddy well, would you look at that!, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:27, closed)

I'm not saying Rory Lyon is an actual lion, but that's what I heard.
And that he has massive lion paws.
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:31, closed)

I heard that when he roars, it sounds like Whigfield.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:32, closed)

I heard when he listens to Whigfield he gets a giant lion boner and preens in front of the mirror.

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:33, closed)

I heard he likes to roar into a mirror
whilst wearing a towel.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:33, closed)

I heard it sounded more like Liam Neeson chasing chickens in a barrel
and that instead of a mouth, he's got four arses.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 19 May 2011, 17:03, closed)

I heard his milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like "It's better than yours".

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 19 May 2011, 17:06, closed)

His milkshake brings all the mongs to the yard
shamelessly stolen from someones sig
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 May 2011, 17:08, closed)

I totally heard that if he likes it then he puts a ring on it.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 19 May 2011, 17:19, closed)

OH NO SHIT
Someone named some /talkers. Shit. SHIT! SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:37, closed)

Where's my bumhole pictures bitch?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 19 May 2011, 19:58, closed)