b3ta.com qotw
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Home » Question of the Week » Useless advice » Page 14 | Search
This is a question Useless advice

As a new parent, people seem to think it's OK to pass on any and every old wives tale possible. "Don't hug him too much". What? Quite what possesses people to pass on baseless, idiotic, useless advice I don't know.

That said, I quite often give car drivers directions and then, after they've moved off, realise that I've sent them down a bike-only route, so I can give as good as I get.

What useless advice have you been given (or handed out) recently?

(, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 10:29)
Pages: Latest, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, ... 1

This question is now closed.

Did KUDOS tell anyone else they should become a taxidermist...?
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 22:08, Reply)
Do not CLICK I LIKE THIS when you are not very fond of the idea.
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 22:08, Reply)
for the aspiring saloon keepers:
Liquor in the front
Poker in the rear
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 21:53, Reply)
I Have 2
A Friend of mine had a father that once told him

"Son, Never Kick in your neighbors tail lights when they are looking."

Quite sound.

I recently heard some Ace advice off of the HBO TV series Deadwood. An Old Prospector says to a bartender(Now this may not be exact, but its close enough.)

"Now My Life might be fucked flatter than hammered shit, But I ain't never taken no guff from any living cocksucker!"

(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 21:13, Reply)
6 years ago I got a new job and was given the idea to buy a car by the ex-missus. I did so, and got a half-decent Peugot. After that time, I was slightly struggling as I needed a few things...so I took the advice of the ex and got a consolidation loan. This got the ball rolling, and I'm now in half-major debt. Bitch.

On the plus, I've organised a new plan to clear this with my own advisor (literally starting from next month), so I'm back on the straight and narrow again.

I fucking hate banks. Cunts, the lot of them.
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 20:02, Reply)
Advice and prescriptions

"Doctor, I've got the AIDS".
"Take an aspirin".

Yes, our doctor would always advise aspirin as the mighty cure for all.
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 18:55, Reply)
Ian Huntley took the advertising on ice-cream vans a bit too seriously....

"Ohhhh, don't mind if I do"
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 18:13, Reply)
Cinema going
4 of us in the pub decide to watch a filum in the cinema. One of the regulars there says that that filum "The Siege" was meant to be good.

2 and a half hours later and we come back after being visually lobotomised with sheer filth. We quiz our advisor, and he haplessly admits "Well they said it looked alright in the Daily Mirror".

(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 18:08, Reply)
this basketball says
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 17:57, Reply)
Careers Advice
At school the only careers advice I ever received was the suggestion that I could be an academic in a university.

Happily I was smart enough to realise that the people who were telling me I couldn't get a proper job were people who couldn't get a proper job.
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 17:54, Reply)
My friend Bernard...
...once told a careers advisor that he wanted to become a terrorist.

I wish I'd had enough balls at 15 to say shit like that.
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 16:32, Reply)
Careers Advice
Thought I'd bandwagon it and tell you my careers story....

I wish I'd taken the advice of crappy 80's careers advice programme KUDOS.
It said I should be a lawyer or a MORTICIAN'S COSMETOLOGIST.

Yes, I could be painting dead people's faces for a living and stuffing cotton wool up their jacksies.

How much would I rock now??
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 16:14, Reply)
Just a few seconds too late. . . .
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 15:46, Reply)
i suppose with all these careers advice tales, i may as well offer two of 'em
Walked into the careers advice room, sat down, slightly vacant lady asks "So, what are you thinking of following as a career?", obviously hoping for a "I dunno". I replied "I'm planning on taking english language, art and french at A level, then foundation Art, then a degree in Graphics and go from there, really." After a few minutes of silence, she says "So, you've not thought about accountancy then?". My turn for a blank look and a "shall I go?", which she agreed to. All of which I eventually did. Except I'm not a graphic designer. Thank god.

However, my school friend Michael, the campest of the camp, the most darling queen ever, apparently swanned into the room, and before she could speak he declared "I shall follow the gutter route, my darling, and enter the world of the arts, where I shall design women's clothes and possibly set aside a few for myself... can you help with that?!" Then he turned on his heel and walked out.
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 15:24, Reply)
Careers advice - what can I say? I advise you to get a career.
When I was about 14, they made us do a series of tests in school, generally like the kind of "what shape comes next in this sequence?" you get on banner ads, and "what shape can you make out of this squiggle?". They stopped short of the ink blots.

Anyway, we did this test, and a few weeks later got the results of it. Of these, we were told to disregard roughly half as there is "always one or two rogue ones". Thankfully for me, that disregarded 'teacher' - people think that's the only thing I will be able to do with a BA in French and Italian.

This left "radio presenter", "journalist", "lawyer" and "author". The best part of seven years later, I still have no clue what I want to do with this degree and I probably have to go through it all again next year.
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 15:17, Reply)
Warning: The Drink You Are About To Enjoy May Be Very Hot!
No shit, you fucking mongrel Starbucks cocker! It's coffee, it better had be frucken hot!

Was this perhaps a cleverly worded warning that the drink may in fact be cold?

WARNING: Clicking "I like this" may not be as satisfying as you think, Careful now!

*Owwwwww, burnt my tongue!!!!!*
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 15:13, Reply)
Why not visit www.b3ta.com?
It will kill the odd 10 minutes at work!

(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 14:56, Reply)
What would Jesus do?
Hang there, bleed and die
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 14:55, Reply)
Eggy water?
I was once told many moons ago (possibly by my granny) never to drink water that had been used to boil eggs as it gives you cancer.
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 14:51, Reply)
My Dad was a careers adviser...
... and a fuppin good one too. Sadly he didn't cover my school.
SO, I got one of his colleagues from the office. It seems however that listening to my dad and reading some of his books at home I was better suited to the careers interview than the interviewer.... This allowed me to steer the whole thing, strategically answer the cascade questionnaire type thing to get the result I wanted and basically have her there merely so I could dictate what to put in my notes.

I went to uni to do Architecture. I love Architecture, I cannot stand architects! I've worked in IT since graduation!

As they say, "the cobblers children have the worst shoes"...
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 14:46, Reply)
Turn it off and on again
"I have. Twice. And it's still broken, which I why I've rung you, you...Oh, it works now... "
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 14:27, Reply)
I stared at a bottle of orange squash until a severe headache, and a burning pain in my eyes stopped me from doing so...on the bottle was written the advice "Concentrate".
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 14:09, Reply)
My Careers Advice...
Had to fill in the questionnaire etc. Got fed through computer, and then we sat down with an advisor who showed us the computer results in the form of lots of lines leading from our name to various options, in varying degrees of strength (i.e. the thickest, darkest line was our best choice of profession).

I was a tad sceptical anyway, but my unbelief was confirmed when the strongest line led to "policewoman".

I'm a classical musician. WTF? The lines leading to "the performing arts" or "working in media" weren't even there.

Stupid machine. I now work in the performing arts.
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 14:04, Reply)
Careers Advice
Some of your stories of career advice had me wondering just how these idiots manage to survive with such miniscule common sense? Maybe it's time for a humane cull?

When I was doing my first year A Levels our college roped in the services of some computerised system called "Cascade" or someother. Anyway, the idea was that you had to tick various multiple choice answers and the data is fed into one end of a machine which spouts bollocks from the other.

In my very short interview with the careers lady (who posessed an IQ higher than 30, unlike some of the others discussed on these hallowed pages) I was asked the following

CL (Careers Lady): Have you ever thought about being a fighter pilot?
Me: I'm a pacifist and don't believe in violence.
CL: How about working in the construction industry?
Me: You mean the same construction industry which is in the middle of the worst recession since 1950? (this was 1991 after all)
CL: Erm, how about a career in journalism?
Me: Nah
CL: Have you ever wanted to be an engineer?
Me: I've just dropped A level physics.
CL: Have you ever considered a career in accountancy?
Me: Nope, I'm absolutely useless with numbers you see.

The poor lady admitted defeat and I was ushered out of the room for the next lucky soul to discover their career destiny.

fifteen years later I am in fact working in accountancy....
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 13:58, Reply)
careers advisors?
what kind of posh schools did you buggers go to. we just played with kudos, and deliberatly answered questions at one extreme, then the other, and sometime slap bang in the middle. confused the fuck out of the thing
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 13:27, Reply)
Sex Education
A friend's nan always advised 'Keep your hand on your he'penny! It'll never get cooooold!'

There was even a little dance to go with it.
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 13:14, Reply)
Many, many moons ago - my Mother walked into my bedroom without knocking, walked into door whilst turning handle and was greeted with me, hands on hips getting oral pleasure from then biker girlfriend - who didn't stop.

Mother gasped - sheepishly said sorry and shut the door quickly.

The incident wasn't mentioned again - only the useless advice of

"I don't think you should be seeing girls with Tattoos - they're trouble"

Come to think of it - she may have a very valid point.

Oh well, never mind, another story about my cock....
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 12:48, Reply)
Yes, careers advisers are the most useless people...
I did a test on a computer which asked me how much I liked or disliked something. E.G:

Working as a group - Like very much / Like / Neither like nor dislike / Dislike / Dislike very much

I answered about 60 questions similar to this, then went into the room to have my "chat" with the careers adviser. How she kept a straight face I don't know.

"Yes Nick, we have found that your ideal career would be:

T.V Antenna installer."

She tried everything in her power to convince me to go down this route, but in the end I told her I'd "consider it" and left.

I am now at university. I am not studying TV antenna installation.
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 12:30, Reply)
Careers advisors?
No bloody use at all on the very rare occasion I've seen one. They would offer information about all the weird and wonderful options that weren't available at my school. And I don't think too many people who later score 520 UCAS points would be interested in a modern apprenticeship anyway.
(, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 12:13, Reply)

This question is now closed.

Pages: Latest, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, ... 1