Weddings Part IIAttending a wedding is like being handed a licence to act like a twat. Oh how I laughed when I sobered up and realised I'd nicked most of the plates and cutlery from the posh hotel lunch and those vague memories of stealthily exiting like a cat-burglar had in fact involved falling out of the hotel, knives and forks clattering onto the steps.
Tell us more of your wedding stories.
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chthonic, Mon 3 Nov 2014, 18:10)
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So, funny thing happened to a mate of mine.My mate Charles was a confirmed British bachelor and serial monogamist with a colourful romantic background who unexpectedly met the perfect woman, Carrie at a wedding and fell in love with her. But his inability to express his feelings seemed to forestall any possibility of relationship - until they met again and again.
Charles lived with a flatmate, Scarlett, in London. The pair were habitually late to weddings. At this one wedding, Charles met Carrie, an American and ended up spending the night with her. Also at the wedding, David, the brother of Charles and Scarlett, was targeted as an object of affection by a guest. We see that Fiona and Tom were brother and sister and very wealthy and Gareth and Matthew were a gay couple. We also briefly met Bernard and Lydia who were at the wedding. Bernard liked Lydia, but she dismissed him. As the friends left the wedding, we saw Bernard and Lydia kissing passionately.
Charles ended up spending the night with Carrie and was surprised to see that she was leaving in the morning and returning back to America. The next thing we knew, Charles and Scarlett were late again to wedding number 2, that of Bernard and Lydia.
Charles was elated to see Carrie at the wedding, until she introduced him to her fiance, a boorish, Scottish politician who was much older than she. To top things off, Charles was stuck at a table with four of his ex girlfriends. The girl who liked David introduced herself to him in faulty sign language and he was enchanted with her. Despite the fact she was engaged, Carrie slept with Charles again that evening after her fiance had gone off to Scotland. We now saw that the two really cared for one another. Also, there was a very nervous priest who seemed to be unable to say the names of the bride and groom right.
The interim was when Charles received an invitation to Carrie's wedding to Hamish Banks in Scotland. He went to a very expensive store to choose a gift and met Carrie. They spent a few hours shopping for her wedding dress and having a drink in a pub where Carrie revealed that she has had 33 lovers. There's nothing else here, it's just the plot to a shit film, you probably should skip to the next story. After they parted, Charles rushed off to tell Carrie that he loved her, but stopped short. Instead, he refered to the "words of David Cassidy" which is the song "I Think I Love You." Carrie was affected, but kissed him on the cheek and moved on.
The next wedding is was that of Carrie and Hamish in Scotland. It was here where Scarlett met a tall Texan named Chester who fancied her. Gareth tolds everyone to find spouses for themselves. We found out that Fiona had been in love with Charles since she had known him and she revealed this to the stunned Charles and a table mate. Tragedy strucks when Gareth died suddenly, presumably of a heart attack, at the wedding.
Now is time for the funeral - that of Gareth. Matthew gave the eulogy, which is the poem "Funeral Blues" by WH Auden. Carrie attended the funeral and saw Charles. Charles and Tom ended up talking and Tom said that he is not waiting for the lightening bolt to hit, he just wanted to meet someone and settle down.
We then saw an invitation for the fourth wedding, Charles and xxxx. The audience did not know that he will be marrying Henrietta, his slightly wacky ex-girlfriend who was at weddings 2 and 3. The friends got to the wedding where Tom met his distant relative while seating the guests and felt "the thunderbolt." Carrie appeared at the wedding and told Charles that she was separated from Hamish and that their timing had been very bad. Charles did not know what to do - he loved Carrie but was now committed to marrying Henrietta.
David, who now was very steady with the young lady who learned sign language was at the wedding along with Scarlet and Chester. When Charles stayed in the back of the church and asked Tom to delay the wedding, David wanted to know what was going on. He told Charles that he had three choices - he could go on with the wedding or tell everyone that the wedding is off. He said he can't think of number three. Fucking hell, if you're actually reading all of this then you should probably get a proper hobby.
Charles stood with Henrietta to get married and when the priest asked for objections, David came up with the third idea. He objected to the wedding. He asked Charles to translate for him and said that the groom loved someone else. When the priest asked if he does love someone else, Charles answered "I do" and got punched in the eye by the bride. Chaos erupted at the church.
The next scene was in the home of Charles and Scarlett with all the friends present. Carrie came to the door and Charles, in the rain and outside, finally started to let some of his feelings out. He asked her if she would agree "not to marry him" for the rest of their lives. Carrie answered "I do."
The song "Going To The Chapel" was then played as we saw Henrietta marry a member of the guard, Scarlett marry Chester, David marry his girlfriend, Tom marry the distant relative, Matthew with a new partner, Fiona marrying Prince Charles (a joke) and Charles and Carrie with their son, presumably not married.
We had a right laugh, but then Wet Wet Wet got to number one for 15 weeks off the back of it and that spoiled the mood a bit.
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Zuowan, Wed 5 Nov 2014, 14:30,
11 replies)
This is just the plot of The Guns of Navarone(
MisterPunch did it that way on, Wed 5 Nov 2014, 14:53,
closed)
I think you have misunderstood the euphemism 'confirmed bachelor'(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 5 Nov 2014, 15:11,
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maybe by adding British it is not same meaning. No British person is homosexual. (
d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 5 Nov 2014, 19:00,
closed)
Was it worth the effort?I'm going to go with...no.
(, Wed 5 Nov 2014, 15:11, closed)
It took two minutes to copy and paste so......oh hold on, you actually read it? Hahahaha loser.
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Zuowan, Wed 5 Nov 2014, 23:55,
closed)
'fraid notI skipped to the end to see if it was a shit pun - read that last line and realised it was something even worse than a shit pun.
But well done for not putting much effort into it.
(, Thu 6 Nov 2014, 11:26, closed)
You forgot the subplot about Darth Vader being his father.(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 5 Nov 2014, 15:28,
closed)
This makes Skagra look witty and incisive.Please don't make a habit of this.
(, Wed 5 Nov 2014, 15:30, closed)
(, Wed 5 Nov 2014, 15:36, closed)
I was going to say the sameBut didn't want to encourage our resident
(, Wed 5 Nov 2014, 15:49, closed)
I seldom read the long ones but todayI had twenty minutes to spare, or as it turns out, to sacrifice.
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edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 5 Nov 2014, 16:43,
closed)
Tediously convoluted.
(, Wed 5 Nov 2014, 16:46, closed)
Can you replace this with a picture of something?Maybe a couple of dogs in tights.
(, Wed 5 Nov 2014, 16:55, closed)
it's been a while since we had a star wars answer on qftw(, Wed 5 Nov 2014, 17:20, closed)
What happened to the American actress and the girl in a wheelchair?(, Wed 5 Nov 2014, 23:27, closed)
Tut.(, Thu 6 Nov 2014, 13:10, closed)
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