Please help!
I got this message from one of my internet friends

www.benrik.co.uk/content/blog.asp?blogID=4683

The premise of this website is that you have to complete tasks every week and blog about them. It sounds gay but sometimes its fun, like flashmobbing or knocking on every single door you see. A way to avoid the banality of life in a way.

Well. Ive been a lazy cunt. I havent bothered since December and now I have an ultimatum from my wifey as displayed.

I need to come up with a nice Valentines treat for her (preferably free and over t'internet as she lives in Greece) and cant be arsed to think for myself. I hoped to rely on the fantastic brains amongst you lot.

Any ideas?
( prem1um is full of life, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:22, archived)

I saw a badger yesterday.
It had a little badgery cock and balls.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:23, archived)

GREAT
Please give me ideas
( prem1um is full of life, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:23, archived)

Here's an idea
"gay it up with a badger"
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:25, archived)

LOLZ I HAV A GURLFIREND!!!!!!1111!!elev3n!"!

( Gizmo.mp3 does not exist, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:23, archived)

www.b3ta.com/talk/2613523
( prem1um is full of life, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:24, archived)

greece?
send her...a kebab and some feta and a back shaver!
( moohalaa, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:24, archived)

www.b3ta.com/talk/2613523
( prem1um is full of life, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:27, archived)

"Feta cheese is a greek invention designed to oppress the world's economic dairy market and keep your average turk from consuming hellumni, in an oppressive matter."
One of my friends went off in a rant about greek-this and greek-that, so to change the subject, I burst out with that, and everyone laughed.

I'm soo cool, OMGorz, I have friends !
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:28, archived)

that halloumi stuff tastes like hot cock
it's rank.

I do like feta and couscous though in a nice salad with cherry tomatoes.
Oh yes.
( moohalaa, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:30, archived)

Halloumi needs to be cut into 1cm-3cm-5cm pieces, and grilled, then it can taste quite nice.
The texture is slightly like stryofome, but the taste isn't offencive.

Personaly, I can't stand Feta, I think it's vile.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:35, archived)

E-Card.

( WHARRGARBL, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:24, archived)

Thanks
Im looking for something a little more...thoughtful?
( prem1um is full of life, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:26, archived)

2 E-Cards.
With a nice poem in them.

Or an iTunes E-Voucher.
( WHARRGARBL, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:27, archived)

Hmmm.
It needs to be FREE and INSPIRING
( prem1um is full of life, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:27, archived)

She's probably getting plenty of "freebies"
from hairy, greasy men who smell of meat.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:28, archived)

sexy meat

( moohalaa, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:30, archived)

A picture of your cock then.
I don't know, I'm crap at this.
( WHARRGARBL, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:28, archived)

Not so crap as to have to rely on other people
to woo some Greek bint on your behalf.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:30, archived)

I don't know why he doesn't just send her a link to a torrent of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"

( WHARRGARBL, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:31, archived)

Wedding Man-Pimp
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:34, archived)

Can you go over there and supprise her?
Using ThompsonFly, I got 3 friends to go one-way from Pathos to Gatwick for £75, total (not each), including taxes and fairs.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:25, archived)

and wrap your knob in a red ribbon!

( moohalaa, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:26, archived)

Financial constraints say no to this
though it is a fab idea
( prem1um is full of life, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:26, archived)

send her 25 kilos of celery every hour for 12 hours

(Dangermouse., Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:26, archived)

Dude thats weak
He should shave a little sliver of flesh off his helm each hour of the day and post it to her.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:27, archived)

Dead girls don't say "no".
Fact.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:26, archived)

You have teh knowledge of teh wumminz.
Impart more of your knowledge.
(aieee "Alright, roll for Anal Circumference Potential", Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:28, archived)

HB STOCK ANSWER #980
Send her some slippers and a dildo.If she don't like the slippers she can go fuck herself.
/helpful
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:27, archived)

Good job you leave yourself plenty of time to arrange it, you nobber.
Send her naked photos of yourself with "Happy Valentine's Day" scrawled all over your body. Real neck-to-ankles, every inch covered in writing. And book her a strip-o-gram, classy like.

If'you don't fancy "Happy Valentine's Day", try "I like cheese", "scaryclowns-scaryclowns-scaryclowns" or "I'm not the Solihull Strangler" for alternative messages.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:27, archived)

Hehe I like this
minus the strippogram bit

Me: I would like to order a stripper for an address in Athens
Them: A pet-tetetetetetetetetetet-Chris Waddle
Me: How much?
( prem1um is full of life, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:29, archived)

Shit the bed
and post her the sheets
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:30, archived)

i'll happy-slap you with a crowbar
you can send her the video.
( scott,, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:29, archived)

Douse yourself in petrol and set yourself alight in the local shopping centre
you can film it for the internet if you want
( Boondocks, YEAH! has a massive penis. Everyone is scared., Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:32, archived)

I picked my husband for his genetics
I was actually sad enough to write a list of 'father of my children' attributes when I was in my teens.

Having a small head was very important, for reasons of birthing.

I also wanted

*Tall and thin - to give the kids the best chance of not having to battle weight problems as I do)
*Intellegent and logical - again to balance me
*Sense of fun - not as much genetic as a good home environment.
*Hazel or green eyes - as with my green ones they could make any colour in our children and I liked that random factor
*Good eyesight - glasses are a pain for children.

There were others I can't recall now and I was lucky enough to find a man who 'fitted' when I was 16 so I snared him and now he's stuck with me. ;)
( Fluzzy namby-pamby pudding and pie, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:33, archived)

mine:
Blonde hair, blue eyes, Nordic genetics, free of disease, and not a Yid.

/Hitler
( moohalaa, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:34, archived)

But
you bum people therefore dont wish pass on your genes.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:36, archived)

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:36, archived)

Women like you
Are creating gays.
( Gizmo.mp3 does not exist, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:36, archived)

Are you suggesting my children are poofy?
I did write a list but it was actually homework from my biology teacher, honest - I'm not quite that sad. :)
( Fluzzy namby-pamby pudding and pie, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:39, archived)

that's a very girly thing
If we had to do a list at school it would probably have gone:

* Puts out.
* Big boobs.
*
*
*
*
...
(Dangermouse., Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:44, archived)

Pfft
*sits and practices my signature with 'crush boy' surname*
( Fluzzy namby-pamby pudding and pie, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:47, archived)

Make her a webpage
A nice background in her fav colour, a couple of piccies of silly things that mean something to the pair of you, a few written memories, a little sweet poem and NO MIDI!
( Fluzzy namby-pamby pudding and pie, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:36, archived)

and an animated .gif background

( moohalaa, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:37, archived)

Aren't you busy fucking colleagues in the stationery cupboard at work?
How about sending an eCuckold to her?
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:39, archived)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm having great sex
But it sure ain't with you
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:48, archived)

p.s. Please shave your shoulders.
p.p.s. and your 'tache
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 9:50, archived)