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I am recording a podcast tonight.
Please can I have your problems for dear baldmonkey.
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 25 May 2009, 14:40, archived)
I am narcissistic
Look at how much I love myself...

I don't think I can find any more love from anyone else, am I thus subjected to a life of loneliness and egowankery?
(I helped save b3ta! GrandmaOfShoes, Mon 25 May 2009, 14:43, archived)
Dear baldmonkey,
Can I get your podcast from iTunes? I have almost run out of ways to procrastinate.

Yours ever,

Frances
(I helped save b3ta! LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Mon 25 May 2009, 14:44, archived)
YES.
Search for baldmonkey in itunes store.
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:26, archived)
No.

(I helped save b3ta! Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Mon 25 May 2009, 14:44, archived)
I wanted to be an astronaut or a bear when I grew up
I have achieved neither of these things and it grates upon me. Should I continue to pursue my dream, what can I rededicate my life to at such a late stage?
(I helped save b3ta! glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 25 May 2009, 14:47, archived)
BEARS IN SPAAAACCCCEEEE

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 25 May 2009, 14:47, archived)
STOP TAUNTING ME WITH DISTANT DREAMS OF GLORY

(I helped save b3ta! glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 25 May 2009, 14:48, archived)
christ man, even tortoises have been to space

(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Mon 25 May 2009, 14:55, archived)
dr baldmonkey
i have to go out in the sun in a minute and i'm worried i might get a tan
not necessarily a bad thing.. only i have a shaggy beard that i will be shaving off either tonight or tomorrow morning
will i get a two toned face?
(rigby happened on (and with added toothache), Mon 25 May 2009, 14:47, archived)
apply sun block to everywhere on your face and neck
then shave off the beard

and tan yourself to manlyness
(I helped save b3ta! glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 25 May 2009, 14:49, archived)
Or use fake tan after shaving to evn things up.

(I helped save b3ta! Neptune A dole queue dosser and foul mouthed chav., Mon 25 May 2009, 14:56, archived)
yeah.. that would definetly work
do they do lobster fake tan?
(rigby happened on (and with added toothache), Mon 25 May 2009, 15:11, archived)
p.s. i'll be sweating like a rapist in a kindergarten due to playing footy
so sun block won't work
(rigby happened on (and with added toothache), Mon 25 May 2009, 15:09, archived)
dear baldmonkey
it seems i was born on the cusp of aquarius and pieces and as such never know which star sign to belive in the papers, both seem strangely vague and could fit into most peoples lives, but i hate the fact i have to read 2 horoscopes, should i go up the pub?

dave
(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Mon 25 May 2009, 14:49, archived)
All the best people are pisces.
Stick with us.
(I helped save b3ta! Neptune A dole queue dosser and foul mouthed chav., Mon 25 May 2009, 14:57, archived)
You aren't another one on 19 February are you? There are three of us on here already.
I solved that one by never reading horoscopes.
(I helped save b3ta! The Cat's Mother Not a People Person., Mon 25 May 2009, 14:57, archived)
yes i am
and i will go to the pub, ta
(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Mon 25 May 2009, 14:58, archived)
Good thinking
I'll be spending tomorrow afternoon in the pub.
(I helped save b3ta! The Cat's Mother Not a People Person., Mon 25 May 2009, 15:00, archived)
Dear baldmonkey
I have now finished my main coursework for this year. What shall I do now?
(I helped save b3ta! The Cat's Mother Not a People Person., Mon 25 May 2009, 14:54, archived)
Get a head start on next year's.
Or bake a cake.
(I helped save b3ta! Neptune A dole queue dosser and foul mouthed chav., Mon 25 May 2009, 14:57, archived)
I could do a cake.
I've got bowl of duck eggs in the fridge that want using up.
(I helped save b3ta! The Cat's Mother Not a People Person., Mon 25 May 2009, 14:59, archived)
Join my book group
and suggest something to read.
(I helped save b3ta! wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:01, archived)
Dear Baldmonkey
Nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger.
(__, Mon 25 May 2009, 14:57, archived)
Dear baldmonkey
I need a wee.
(I helped save b3ta! Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 25 May 2009, 14:58, archived)
Dear Baldmonkey,
I've just been gazzed by a random /talker who I fear may have got the wrong ides about me. I'd given them a shout to say hi, and now I feel I may have been a bit too over-friendly. One feels so terrible in these difficult social situations.
I'd like your advice, and also a plug for the b3ta book group I'm trying to set up.
Can you help?
(I helped save b3ta! wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:01, archived)
If you're not interested, just tell me.
It's my nose, isn't it? *sobs*
(I helped save b3ta! Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:01, archived)
Your nose is gorgeous
it's your saggy arse that put me off.
(I helped save b3ta! wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:02, archived)
Are you doing a b3ta book group?
I'm in for that.
(I helped save b3ta! The Cat's Mother Not a People Person., Mon 25 May 2009, 15:02, archived)
Excellent!
I shall add you to the list.
Fuck knows how I'll organise it, but I'll work something out.
(I helped save b3ta! wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:03, archived)
It'd be handy to know what sort of books you're aiming for.
Sci-fi, classics, modern, non-fiction etc. Have you had any suggestions so far?
(I helped save b3ta! The Cat's Mother Not a People Person., Mon 25 May 2009, 15:06, archived)
None
I'm going to keep the suggestion list as broad as possible - basically, anything you would like to read, or have read and would like to talk about.
All recommendations welcomed.
(I helped save b3ta! wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:08, archived)
How about a theme a month?
That would make the choice easier.
First month - One from Spangles' book pile.
(I helped save b3ta! The Cat's Mother Not a People Person., Mon 25 May 2009, 15:27, archived)
This is a sound idea
I shall promptly nick it, and claim the credit.
Cheers
(I helped save b3ta! wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:28, archived)
I'd be up for a book group
if we can read one from my upcoming book pile first :P
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:04, archived)
Gaz me with suggestions
I've done this idea as a drunken inspiration that I'm going to follow through with, and I need all the help I can get. Seems like a popular idea, though.
I shall be delighted to include you, dear Spangles.
(I helped save b3ta! wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:07, archived)
gazzing now.

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:07, archived)
as someone who can't read i find this idea to cause great offence

(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:09, archived)
If you can't read
what the fuck are you doing on a text-based internet forum?
(I helped save b3ta! wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:17, archived)
He has a braille screen.

(I helped save b3ta! The Cat's Mother Not a People Person., Mon 25 May 2009, 15:20, archived)
Sounds dotty to me

(I helped save b3ta! wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:24, archived)
Also, I'm just finishing reading The Glass Bead Game
by Herman Hesse. It's odd, and possibly great.
(I helped save b3ta! Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:05, archived)
I started Siddartha by him a while ago
it was really gay.
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:07, archived)
That one doesn't appeal
although I suspect you'd like Steppenwolf if I had to recommend a book of his. It's all a bit pre-hippy hippy, mind.
(I helped save b3ta! Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:11, archived)
I shall add it to my list
but if I don't get a move on with reading them soon I won't be able to reach the top of the pile :)
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:14, archived)
As long as it's not one of those that disappoints on the last page.
I hate the ones that build up a really good story and then suddenly realise they've got to finish and rush through the last bit.
(I helped save b3ta! The Cat's Mother Not a People Person., Mon 25 May 2009, 15:08, archived)
Me too
The Discovery of Heaven is a fantastic book, and then the last-but-one chapter feels like a rush job, and then the final chapter has a great twist that leaves you unsure whether it actually makes up for the disappointment of the chapter before.
(I helped save b3ta! Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:12, archived)
GET IN
are you applying for book club inclusion?
We'd love to have you involved.
(I helped save b3ta! wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:09, archived)
Go on then
although my access to books in English is restricted, as is my access to time.
(I helped save b3ta! Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:13, archived)
I shall include you
don't worry, it's not compulsory, although there will be prizes for outstanding effort.
(I helped save b3ta! wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:19, archived)
Dear baldmonkey
i imagine gay sex is like trying to push out a reluctant poo.

What does gay sex feel like to you?
(I helped save b3ta! Willwillwritehiswill An arse like a slapped face., Mon 25 May 2009, 15:07, archived)
Dear baldmonkey
I'm wearing bright pink socks and red shoes. Should I go and change footwear, and if so, which?
(I helped save b3ta! The Cat's Mother Not a People Person., Mon 25 May 2009, 15:09, archived)
is the old saying 'red shoes = no knickers' true?

(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:11, archived)
No, not in this case.
I did get dressed without thinking this morning, but not that thoughtlessly. I used to go commando when I was younger and wearing very tight dresses, but sadly no longer.
(I helped save b3ta! The Cat's Mother Not a People Person., Mon 25 May 2009, 15:16, archived)
Dear Baldmonkey,
Back in january, I lent a mate £100 who was going through a bit of a rough patch with his family (wife and 3 kids)
Wife has severe anorexia, and wasn't able to continue her job, and he has a full time job as a teacher. All 3 kids are 7 or younger
I was told I would get the money back in March, when they got back from a 'much needed and pre-booked' Holiday to Eurodisney. In the time since March though, his mother in law has now developed terminal lung cancer, and the father in law also had a cancer scare last month. The wife in all of this has also been hospitalized recently due to the anorexia, levaing my mate with a full time teaching job (albeit extensive paid leave) and 3 kids to look after. She is now out of hospital and has a part time job at.. wait for it... Macdonalds. My question is this: How much of a c*nt will I look if I ask for the £100 back now, which he assured me would be mine back in March? It's The Present Mrs. Architect's Birthday shortly, and I'd like that £100 to put towards a nice long weekend away for the two of us, as we could do with a holiday too.
(I helped save b3ta! The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:15, archived)
I wouldn't ask for it back just yet, to be honest
as a rule, if I lend money to friends I don't expect it back.
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:16, archived)
In other words, I'll look a HUGE C*nt then.
/as a rule, I don't lend money to mates or otherwise, but given the fact there were 3 young chiddlers to support in all of this, I felt obliged to help
(I helped save b3ta! The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:17, archived)
yup.

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:18, archived)
I must admit
I tend to think, would I rather have the money or the friendship? That is normally the decider.
(I helped save b3ta! The Cat's Mother Not a People Person., Mon 25 May 2009, 15:26, archived)
Ask for it back. See if he could do it in 2 x £50.
At least his food bills won't be that high.
(I helped save b3ta! The Cat's Mother Not a People Person., Mon 25 May 2009, 15:18, archived)
*stifled guffaw*
I was tempted to gently bring up the subject in conversation. I haven't seen him lately, and he hasn't mentioned it.
I didn't want to sound like a patronising bastard with phrases such as 'I'll take £20 a week etc or variations thereof.
(I helped save b3ta! The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:20, archived)
*snort*

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 25 May 2009, 15:21, archived)