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# Hello B3ta,
I went on pilgrimage today. What I've learned is that Smug (who I will now refer to as the 'Alsterglacis Asshole') lurks on a street that is currently more-or-less a building site, and that Hamburg has some pretty horrible weather.

(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 21:43, archived)
# FUCK YEAH


It was genuinely foul today. And I lurked on a street corner for about ten minutes, getting wet, taking a few surreptitious photos and wondering when the first drivers would report me to the police.
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 21:45, archived)
# you nutter
well done
although part of me wishes you had got arrested just for the explanation you'd had to give
(I helped save b3ta! Dick Wonder ₐ wₒₙₖy, wₐᵥy wₒₙdₑᵣ, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 21:50, archived)
# Ahaha and in German too
I've learned two things about my German in the last two days

1) It's a lot better than I expected it to be
2) It's shit

Managing to explain to a German police officer about Smug would seriously over-extend my abilities
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 21:53, archived)
# I thought the Germans were proud of their good English?
Can't think why, when German is such a fun language.
(I helped save b3ta! Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:24, archived)
# Some Germans are
but what I learned from living here is that a lot of Germans lack confidence to actually speak English. In many ways that's a good thing because then you're forced to learn German to live here. Up here there's less of a habit for people to swap into English when your accent gives you away, but it's not actually that bad. The younger someone is, the more likely they are to have better English than the average American. That makes me feel stupid when they've stood patiently listening to me stagger through childish, broken German for two or three minutes, of course, but there we go.
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:28, archived)
# Ich bin von ein puerilendigitalkunstcommune
Das ist der haus von Herr Schmug
(I helped save b3ta! Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:49, archived)
# Ich moechte an Ihren Balkon gehen
und viele Fotos machen, mit Orangensaft, und Buttercroissant! Bitte, bitte schoen.
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:50, archived)
# Vot eez zis ? Zis eez not ze german I know. Achtung Tommy ! Vor you zee var is over.
(I helped save b3ta! Dick Wonder ₐ wₒₙₖy, wₐᵥy wₒₙdₑᵣ, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 23:04, archived)
# MENSCH MEIER!
Hoisted on my own petard.
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 23:13, archived)
# Wow, is that THE balcony that smug once sat on?
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 21:56, archived)
# It most certainly is
In future years this could become one of Hamburg's tourist attractions, although it may not be for the type of tourist Hamburg would wish to attract.

There's no chance of getting up there, it's a privately-owned building with some kind of half-impressive looking meeting room downstairs.

That's right, not only did I lurk on the corner and take surreptitious photos but I peered through their windows. I think I might now be on an Interpol list.
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 21:57, archived)
# im sure they would have been intrigued if you explained the situation
either that, or worried...
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:20, archived)
# I'm sure they'd have been very intrigued
Enough that after I explained it to a constable I'd explain it to a sergeant, and then a captain, and then an anti-terror officer. I'd be a celebrity!
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:26, archived)
# maybe they could have even arranged to have you meet smug on that very balcony for a reunion photo?
I dont think that stardom could possibly compare to meeting Freebase though. I'd probably faint with excitement!
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:31, archived)
# If I am ever in LA I shall certainly go to Freebase's gym
Ideally I would meet the man himself, though what I'd say I have no idea. "Err, hi, err, 'Jonesy'. Err, I've made a load of photoshops of you gurning, you know, based on that photo of you on a rowing machine? Flanbase was in the same photo set! Sorry, I forget Flanbase's name. We call you 'Freebase'. Err, can I buy you a beer?"
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:47, archived)
# You should print out a lovely leather-bound photo book (phone-book sized)
of all the 'shops b3ta has done of freebs and flan, and present it to him, michael aspel style.
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:50, archived)
# Ahaha
"Jonesy, this is *your* B3ta! Jonesy, what are you doing? What are you doing with that weight? No, Jonesy, please, no!"
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:51, archived)
# Haha
I do wonder how he would react to seeing himself becoming an internet celebrity to some strange people
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:52, archived)
# He comes across fairly well actually
so I suspect he already knows, has judged as as totally unimportant, and ignored us. It would be brilliant to test this hypothesis in person though.
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:54, archived)
# I'm sure he'd be really nice about it. He'd probably invite you round his home for dinner.
One of his Youtube vids there's some guy trolling him really aggressively. Jonesy basically outdoes him by being extremely polite and reasonable, and even ends by inviting him down to the gym for a free training session.
(I helped save b3ta! Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 23:32, archived)
# hahahaha, fuck.
you actually went to 'smug junction'. respect.
(Rattlehead all time with the gay, forever touching, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 21:48, archived)
# On my way up there
I began to think, "What the fuck am I doing? I'm 32 years old and hunting down a balcony that some model was photographed on 10 years ago". I suppressed that kind of thought, and after I'd taken a few photos, went back down into town to find a friendly cafe. This being Hamburg, I gave up and just went looking for a cafe instead.
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 21:50, archived)
# it's all fine.
i don't know where you live, but if you travelled quite a long way ONLY to see 'smug balcony' then i'd start getting a bit worried.
(Rattlehead all time with the gay, forever touching, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:02, archived)
# That would be alarming, I agree
I'm in town for some friends' wedding, and had all of today free. Well, after I got over the hangover. So when in Hamburg, how better to spend the time than walking for an hour through the rain to Smug Balcony?

(There's an U-Bahn stop a few minutes up the road, actually. Interested observers should note that they can go to Stephansplatz U-Bahn, get out on the Northern side and then walk down Alsterglacis towards town, and the balcony will be on the right. But I eschew such frivolities as U-Bahns. Shank's mare, for me. Shank's mare.)
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:07, archived)
# you should have brought a fold out chair and table, scaled the balcony, and taken a photo of yourself in all your smugness
(Rattlehead all time with the gay, forever touching, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:34, archived)
# Nah, I was flying Ryanair without checked luggage
That would've cost me five hundred quid or something. I think it's certainly the next challenge though - get onto the balcony, with a folding chair, a table, a glass of orange juice, and a croissant. I bet that's what Smug did in the first place and it's why he looked so smug.
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:45, archived)
# Hamburgers aren't friendly? Hamburgians? WTF are they?
(I helped save b3ta! HairyTwatter certified eel and sodium salesman, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:10, archived)
# The men are Hamburgers
The women are Hamburgerins, which sounds a bit like a meaty fruit.

I spent a lot of time in South Germany so I got a bit tainted with their prejudice, but people from the North are notoriously unfriendly. What I've actually found is some very unfriendly staff in cafes who suddenly go through some phase transition and start acting friendly. I have no idea what causes it, because I start politely and in German, and end politely and in German, but somewhere in between they decide they can be friendly. Very odd.
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:12, archived)
# THIS IS A FUCKING PHASE TRANSITION, BABY


I think I should go to bed.
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:14, archived)
# The only place I've been to in Germany is Hamburg,
and I found the people there to be friendly, easy going and funny (including the staff at the Kogge Rock'n'Roll Hotel, where I stayed).
(I helped save b3ta! Happosai _,,,,_(O ; o)_,,,, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 23:00, archived)
# It's fine :)
I've quite liked Hamburg. I *prefer* Heidelberg, Frankfurt and Munich, but I like Hamburg. And it has the massive benefit of not being Bavarian, unlike Munich. (Well, many Bavarians complain that Munich isn't Bavarian any more and blah blah blah. It's lovely to see Germany has all the same silly squabbles between states as Britain has been countries.) And the staff at the Hofbraeuhaus here turned out to be perfectly friendly and pleasant. I think I just caught staff at the start of their shifts and pissed off.
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 23:09, archived)
# My employer's in a suburb of Hamburg...two co owners
One's a bit stand offish; the other's down to earth and a super nice guy to work with.
(I helped save b3ta! HairyTwatter certified eel and sodium salesman, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 23:16, archived)
# :)
(herman:D, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 21:54, archived)
# Hahaha
I think I'd have bricked myself if I saw that looking back at me through the windows
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 21:59, archived)
# Ha ha!
How did you trace where the photo was taken?
(I helped save b3ta! monkeon schmonkeon, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:14, archived)
# oh someone else did that a few months back
i've no idea how they did it - could be they were native hamburg

edit: www.b3ta.com/board/10780000 it's thanks to prodigy finding a whole host of smug source pics and some lurker tipping him off. i thank both the lurker and prodge :)
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:15, archived)
# Fucking hell, that's some dedication right there!
Now you have to visit the gym Freebase frequents :D
(I helped save b3ta! Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:17, archived)
# That would involve going to California
and risking the wrath of Jonesy :(
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:19, archived)
# I
FUCKING

WHOLEHEARTEDLY

SALUTE YOU

:D
(I helped save b3ta! discomeats This canoe, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:21, archived)
# Ta :)
You know, it looks remarkably nice on photos - all those trees, greenery, nice broad streets. In reality, just behind you the street is coated in roadworks and on the other side are a load of crappy-looking motorbike shops, and I'd swear I saw a "bike museum", and some guy staring through the window with his poor 4-year old daughter.

He gave me a suspicious look when he walked by on the other side of the street too. Should've taken a photo of him and reported him as a paedophile or something, that would've learned him.
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:25, archived)
# the art of photography is making things that look shit
not look like shit ;)
(I helped save b3ta! discomeats This canoe, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:34, archived)
# They certainly did that very well
Silly thing is about five minutes' walk from Smug's Balcony you get to Colonnade, which while being very touristy is genuinely quite pretty. Evidently they couldn't get onto a balcony there so they had to do some clever photography instead....
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:43, archived)
# Nice one
There's some kind of strange allure about smug's world. I think it's the setting is as familiar as the man himself. I mean, you said you'd been to Freebase's gym it wouldn't seem that incredible. I can now imagine how The Hedgehog From Hell would make some comment about this not being incredible either. I miss his curmudgeonlyness.
(I helped save b3ta! Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:40, archived)
# THFH is reading this now
I bet you any money, particularly Monopoly money
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 22:45, archived)
# Probably. That's half the reason I said it.
I'm hoping we can entice him back by drawing attention to the THFH-shaped hole on /board.
(I helped save b3ta! Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 23:27, archived)
# That's dedication!
The b3ta investigative team is alive!

Great thing to see after coming in from a fantastic bike ride.
(I helped save b3ta! cowcat Bituminous squeegee, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 23:00, archived)
# It certainly filled a good hour or so for me and gave me an excuse to wander around Hamburg north of the Rathaus
:)
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 23:10, archived)
# Oh god
ha ha. Well done sir
(I helped save b3ta! --- ---, Sun 29 Jul 2012, 23:57, archived)
# *Tips hat to you, Sir!*
(I helped save b3ta! Jabberwoc misses D.R. and Quinch, Mon 30 Jul 2012, 0:55, archived)
# Hahahahahahahahaha
Fucking TOP post. This has filled me with glee.
Might be worth mentioning this to Rob.
(I helped save b3ta! mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Mon 30 Jul 2012, 4:07, archived)
# I salute your smugness Boris :D
(I helped save b3ta! Victor Meldrew, Mon 30 Jul 2012, 10:57, archived)
# Just to clear it up, that's Smug in the photo, not me
I was already getting suspicious enough looks as it was; how it would've been if I turned up with a folding chair, paper and croissant I have no idea :)
(I helped save b3ta! boris the spider, Mon 30 Jul 2012, 19:19, archived)
# The balcony has GOT to make it on the Hamburg tourist map!! :)
(If Hamburg has tourists that is!)
I bow down at your awesomeness at actually being there..
(cochsedd, Mon 30 Jul 2012, 21:33, archived)