I told my kids that playing hockey or football would knock out your teeth and give you irreversible brain damage
Not because it was in fact true, but because I didn't feel like driving them to games and practices.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Wed 23 Aug 2017, 22:03, Reply)

Crunchy peanut butter
When I was a minimersault my Dad knew everything. With a pen and a scrap of paper, no question seemed to be beyond him. He always spoke with such confidence and surety that consequently when he told a 13 year old me that the crunchy bits in peanut butter were bits of insect, I absorbed this gem without question. Unsurprisingly, my friends were rather more difficult to persuade of this fact.
(mersault, Sun 20 Aug 2017, 23:09, Reply)

toothbrushes
My parents told me I mustn't rinse my toothbrush under the hot tap as it will make the bristles go all curly. Im nearly 50 and I still dint know if this is true or a way of saving hot water.
(kitescreech still here, Sun 20 Aug 2017, 18:05, 7 replies)

run upstairs
and put these clean clothes on my bed, i'll count how long it takes you.

but you didn't count, did you, mum? it was just a clever ruse to make us compete with each other to do chores faster.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 18 Aug 2017, 15:36, 2 replies)

That they loved me

(deffuse, Fri 18 Aug 2017, 8:12, 1 reply)

They Dwell in the Dark
For years my sweet mother keep me in pant-wetting fear of The Beasts That Dwell Below.

These monstrous animals, they came out of night from their dirty, labyrinthine lairs: hairy horrors, they had massive, beastly ears and huge, leaping limbs and evil, glowing eyes and two HUGE TEETH better to eat LITTLE BOYS!

Aaaaaaa!

Apparently this description was missing a few key factors, but mummy dearest decided they were too funny to correct; that they were a) small, b) vegetarian and c) cute.

Yep. Bunny rabbits. Thanks mum.

The truth might never have been uncovered, had my primary school teacher not - in all her innocence - told me that I was such a good little boy, she'd let me play with her bunny.

Apparently, she'd never seen such undiluted terror on an infant, and it took her 3 hours to coax my trembling, urine soaked self out from behind stationary cupboard - much to the unkind amusement of the rest of the class, I might add.

Yeah, my mum defo made me gay.
(IChewCandlewax, Tue 15 Aug 2017, 15:35, 10 replies)

It'll get better.
( tromboner cherophobia is my kind of fun, Tue 15 Aug 2017, 0:23, Reply)

Religion
Turns out it was all bullshit.
(SonofRojBlake, Mon 14 Aug 2017, 18:23, 3 replies)

Pearoast

On car trips my parents would tell me:

If you accidentally drove over more than 4 catseyes in a row they would explode. This was a very clever scheme invented to prevent Russian tanks from invading. Tanks were longer than 4 catseyes but cars were shorter, so wouldn't set off the landmine unless you went very fast.

Growing up in West Germany during the 70s and 80s I was already in total fear of the Red Menace by age 7, and this totally believable logic just heightened my paranoia.

My dad would take great delight in hitting three catseyes and then narrowly avoiding the fourth while I screamed myself into a catatonic state in the back seat.
.
.



.
( gp_guineapig, Mon 14 Aug 2017, 14:51, Reply)

My parents told me that people were all really the same wherever you go, just trying to get on with their lives, and equally worthy of our respect
But they'd never met any Albanians, who are lower than dogs
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 14 Aug 2017, 11:35, Reply)

Daleks can't climb stairs
Sontarans must always face you in battle

Ice Warriors can't run

Zyygons are great kissers

And Cybermen will run away if you play Spandau Ballet at them.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sun 13 Aug 2017, 19:51, 10 replies)

the duck in my pants
pretty sure i've told this one before, but here goes anyway.
a couple of years ago, i was babysitting my sister's kids. i had taken them to the park and we were just walking towards the swings when i let out a fart.
"you farted!" they squealed.
"it wasn't me," i replied, "it was the duck that lives in my pants, it just quacked."
of course, this caused much amusement.
scroll forward a couple of weeks and my sister asks me to pick the kids up from school. i waited in the playground and, when they saw me, they ran up right behind me, bent down and shouted "hello!" at my arse.
"what are you doing, boys?" the teacher asks. with beaming grins on their little faces, they both declared "we're saying hello to the duck that lives in her pants!"
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 13 Aug 2017, 15:04, Reply)

I asked my mum what thunder was
She said it was clouds bumping into each other. I knew that was complete bollocks.

My grandma told me to eat my bread crusts, because it would make my hair curly. I thought "What if I don't want curly hair?" Didn't believe that crap and anyway, the crust is the best bit of the bread, so I needed no encouragement.
(MC Chicken Sandwich Me gusta ver la pornografía de los milfs., Sat 12 Aug 2017, 23:49, 1 reply)

Terminator
I am sure I have told this before.

But the first time I saw The Terminator I was probably about 13 - I watched it from a VHS tape that my mother had recorded for me because I was desperate to watch it.

Little did I know she had done the whole pause/record trick all the way through the film.

So on the day I saw Terminator 2 I have never been so confused as to how Sarah Connor had a son. And more importantly when everyone at school was talking about the whole "eye removal" scene...I spent weeks convincing everyone they were talking about the wrong film.

Go fuck yourself.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sat 12 Aug 2017, 21:31, 227 replies)

When the ice cream van plays music
It means they have ran out of ice cream and chocolate.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sat 12 Aug 2017, 21:28, Reply)

It's your father's fault,
that is why I have to hit him...

I was raped on the pool table in the pub, that is how you were made!

Ahh, the happy innocent days of childhood!
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Sat 12 Aug 2017, 11:53, 2 replies)

Earwigs....
My parents told me they were called so because they crawl into your ears and chew on your brain! Even though I know it's not true I still to this day jump a mile if I see one of the zombie fuckers!
( tim1701 I have no board signature!!!!!, Sat 12 Aug 2017, 3:34, 1 reply)

My dad told me the best time to confess to something bad was before anyone knew it had happened
When I did that, he just looked at me and said "You are the dim one, aren't you."
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Sat 12 Aug 2017, 1:44, Reply)

My Mum told
me that if someone made fun of me at school I should just ignore them and eventually they'd go away. This is exactly the kind of attitude that has led to the current situation with North Korea.
(Ooooh_cuntroversials_sockpuppet Make O/T great again., Fri 11 Aug 2017, 18:15, 12 replies)

apple seeds
my mum always used to say if you swallow an apple seed, an apple tree will grow in your stomach. pretty sure it doesn't work like that.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 11 Aug 2017, 17:03, 1 reply)

My mommy always said there were no monsters
no real ones - but there are. Why do they tell little kids that?
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 10 Aug 2017, 20:14, 6 replies)

Convoluted story culminating in a pun on the title or popular culture reference.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 10 Aug 2017, 19:09, 5 replies)

Weather lies
My mum told me that rain was caused by the tears of angels who had bumped their heads together.

At infants school this lie was laid bare when my teacher asked the class what caused rain and I put my hand up and told the whole class this load of horseshit. Even at this age no child believed that except me. Cue laughter and great embarrassment. Made worse when one of my stupider classmates then said, "ain't it clouds, miss?"

This laid the template for the lies that were to follow though as we moved from angels tears/rain confusion to confusion about when mortgage endowment policies would mature and why she should keep the policy and not cash it in (but that's another bitter, lying bitch-of-a-mother story)
( The_cold_stare Coming here only when very, very bored, Thu 10 Aug 2017, 18:48, 2 replies)

Go to university
work hard, get an education and then you can get a good job with good pay!
Good one!
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Thu 10 Aug 2017, 14:48, 2 replies)

My dad told me that "Getting Away With It" had more than 5 replies.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 10 Aug 2017, 13:54, Reply)

pearoast - not mine
Morning farts
I'm in the habit of doing loud farts after getting out of bed in the morning (Mudskipperess doesn't appreciate dutch oven pranks). A few days ago, I rattled out a particularly euphonious effort while making Daughter #2 (aged 6) her breakfast. "That disgusting, daddy" she said (she has a slight speech impediment).
I promptly blamed the budgie.
Far from finding that funny, Daughter got angrier. "No, it you! You do fart! Stop lying!!"
I responded by doing another fart.
"STOP IIIIIT"
I blamed the budgie again, and to compound the hilarity I wafted the smell over the Daughter and the caged bird.
"WASN'T HIM!!! IT WAS YOOOUUUU!!! STOP IIIITTT!"
By this time, Daughter is close to tears.
What's a loving father to do?
If you're me, a final, hideously rancid fart, this time while wordlessly pointing an accusing finger at the budgie.

It took a few minutes to regain my daughter's love after all this.
(mudskipper, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 10:24, More)
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Thu 10 Aug 2017, 12:47, 3 replies)

bollocks

(chovnik, Thu 10 Aug 2017, 12:40, Reply)

first

(chovnik, Thu 10 Aug 2017, 12:39, Reply)

My dad told me I had to wear smart trousers to a christening.

(Roger McGough-Pipe, Thu 10 Aug 2017, 12:35, Reply)