Directions
Being a man, I do all the driving when me and the wife go anywhere. The problem with this is that it means the missus is in charge of directions. She has a couple of annoying habits when it comes to giving directions.

1) "Go left at these lights... why are you in this lane? I meant right! You know I meant right"
2) The assumption that I know every street name in the country, so we'll be approaching a junction and she'll say "go onto Kings Road" to which I'll reply "which way is that?" and she'll repeat "Kings Road!" just a little bit louder and slower.
3) The concept of "up" as a direction when driving. Normally at a roundabout. "Going up" at a roundabout has, on various occasions, mean left, right and straight on.
4) She seems to think we are both psychic, so she only needs to think about which way we need to go and I'll head that way. "Why didn't you turn right at that road back there?" "Because you didn't tell em to" "but we need to go that way..."
%) The fact she always holds the map so north is at the top, but gets consistantly confused if we are heading south and tells me to turn the wrong way. She gets annoyed when I say "are you sure you mean left?"
(ScousersPet, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:02, 5 replies)

repost four
If you're easily offended, don't read any further.
(Why I put that on b3ta I don't know...)
In the past I've mentioned my first long term relationship, 10 yrs in total, first 8 yrs okay, last couple of years just about avoiding killing each other. (Although knowing the bitch she is I suspect I'd have died first.)
(In our 7th year together we went on our second foreign holiday together, to Ibiza, and bought a second hand video camera for about £300 to record it. (This was about 1994, and the camera was the size of a shoebox.)
(The holiday bit isn't really relevant, just an explanation of why we had the camera.)
Anyway, yes we had played a little bit with the camera, recording our adult fun occassionally (including the time I fell asleep twice whilst lapping at the furry fountain.)
(My excuse, no sleep for 48 hours due to very early morning flight back from holiday.)
But, I'm not telling you this for my own cringe... Oh no, this is Tonys cringe...!!!

A MAJOR REASON WE SPLIT slowly UP:
We'd been together 8 yrs, and apart from a couple of false alarms in the first couple of years there'd never been any indication of impending parenthood, so we went to see the doc.
She (Julie) went to be scanned, prodded and poked, and came home to tell me they said she was fine.
I went to provide a sample and (another story I'll tell another time) got told my little fella's were bone idle lazy gits who didn't like swimming.
This peed her off.
Cutting a long story short, she ended up screwing a bloke she worked with who had a history of fathering kids (and then leaving them) and after 6 months of him not providing anything of use (and apparently being crap in bed) she took up with Tony, married and 2 kids at home.
Whilst all this is going on, I'll getting full details and I'll be honest it was a turn on (and if anything could turn me on for her it was a blessing.)
Anyway, she announces that as my birthday treat I could film them. (I seem to remember that I actually asked for the new Stephen King book, but never mind...)
Comes the day, camera on, and they start off dressed but within about 10 minutes its time to hide the bratwurst.

30 seconds.

He lasted 30 seconds.

She wondered why he's pulled out, I'm pissing myself laughing ("Oh God paof2, he's so good, can do it for ages"), and he is suitably embarrassed and suddenly remembers a school meting he must attend.

He claimed it was the pressure of me being there and the camera, but I didnt care anymore.
We split up very shortly after that.

They did stay together a while longer, then she moved back to her parents 200 miles away so the visits were infrequent (Is that one word or two?) and then she met a woman and became a lesbian for a few years

Oh, and my lazy sperm?
Within a month of leaving Julie I fathered a beautiful pair of twin girls.
That'll be me gloating instead of cringing then.
In fact since that time I have managed to cut her out of my life totally, even to the extent of not letting her be a friend on facebook.
You see, after the lesbian relationship broke down (during which it was "oh paof2, this is so wonderful, I don't know what I ever saw in men, they do nothing for me") she immediatly tried to latch back onto me, despite the fact that I was now with the woman who I'm married to.
I had god knows how many phone calls a day where she would let it do the smallest ring and then hang up, on the assumption I'd ring her, and text messages that would be random numbers and letters because, despite telling her I had a basic phone that just sent and received text, she would be trying to send pictures.
It got to the stage where my wife and I were going to visit friends, and were about 5 minutes from Cambridge on the train waiting for the friends to call to let us know they'd arrived, and the phone rang. I answered it straight away (it actually vibrates for a moment before ringing) and she was shocked I'd caught her.
"Sorry Julie, got to go waiting for another call."
"Dont you want to talk then?"
"No, I'm busy, call you later"
and hung up
Phone rings
"Are you ignoring me?"
Hang up
Phone rings
"Don't you want to talk to me?"
"No."
Hangs up
By now the entire carriage has gone silent waiting for the next episode.
Phone rings.
"Why don't you want to..."
"Just fuck off, will you?"
Small cheer from group of chavs at end of carriage
Hangs up, turns phone off, took chance friends would be there. (They were.)
That evening I rebooted.
46 missed calls from her.

I sent her a text.
"If you ever contact me again I'll contact your phone provider telling them you're harrassing me."
Immediate response
"I get about 50 anonymous calls a day, I think they're from you"
"Please yourself, you see my phone keeps a record of who calls, and how long for! Shall I contact o2 now?"

Silence reigned.
Until a few weeks ago, I'm still friends with her cousin, and Julie saw I was one of her facebook friends, so asked me if she could be mine too.

Aren't ignore buttons great?
(paof2 Nude might not be rude, but rude could be nude..., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 9:54, 86 replies)

repost three
I've loved you since the first time I saw you.
I'll never not love you.
That doesn't mean that sometimes I wouldn't like to drop you off a high bridge into a deep river.
I accept the sense and the correctness of the fact that we made far better friends than lovers, and neither of us was really happy living together, BUT...
When I'm the only one of the three guys who've impregnated you who's been there for the anti-natals, births, and since then, sending me a Fathers Day card from the kids would be quick and fairly cheap, and encouraging them now they are old enough to do that, Xmas, birthday, wouldn't be too hard, would it?
When I invite you in March to my wedding six months later because I want my kids and my friend to be there, I don't expect to get a phone call asking me to do something for you with a mention of the fact you've already booked a holiday for when the wedding is. And learning a fortnight after the wedding from the kids that they haven't been on holiday that year was a bit of a ballbuster.
You've known most of my secrets for years, you encouraged me after my first bisexual encounter when I didn't know if I'd liked it or not because it was so unexpected to try it again to gauge it properly, you shared your bisexuality with me before anyone else (even the people you were going to share it with).
I don't want to hate you, but you're making it really difficult to be your friend.
Love,
(paof2 Nude might not be rude, but rude could be nude..., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 9:52, Reply)

repost two
I use the word 'dear' in its financial sense, as for the ten years we were together you contributed about as much to our joint wages as a dripping tap does to the Atlantic.
Moving in with me is not a way of escaping from the parental home. Yes, your dad was an asshole but he did care for you in his own way.
And hiding my mail (this was pre computers) because I had several female pen-pals is not a way to make better of you when I find out.
Providing sex on tap does not excuse you still being in bed mid afternoon when I've been up since 4am, walked two miles to Brighton Station, done a full shift at Victoria Station, travelled home, and then being greeted with "What are you going to cook for me?"
When we've discussed the fact that we haven't even had a false alarm, and you claim the hospital has given your reproductive system the okay, I don't expect to get a phone call at work asking if you can screw one of our friends (who's fathered kids) just because my first test result has come back negative. And when the second says "Wow, you've got so many of the little swimmers its great" I expect you to go back to the hospital for tests, not start screwing someone else.
White chocolate still contains sugar, saying it doesn't is the reason your diabetes got worse.
If I ask for a Stephen King book for my birthday, I don't expect on the day to be told that my treat is to video you and your new boyfriend screwing. And when I laugh as he cums after 30 seconds, I think that's poetic justice.
When we both knew it was over, and you're planning on your boyfriend moving in, I don't expect you to act like a petulant child if I'm talking on the phone to a platonic friend who's offered to let me move in with her.
And five years after we've split up, when you've had a four year lesbian affair when men were anathema to you and then gone straight into a heterosexual relationship, I don't expect you to ring me 20 times a day (just letting it ring once so I think I've missed your call) especially if I do answer it and say I'm busy or at work.
I don't miss you, the sex life you said would never be so good IS BETTER, even your relatives can't stand you, God I'm so glad you're out of my life.
Be warm, safe, and happy, but nowhere near me.
Paof2
(paof2 Nude might not be rude, but rude could be nude..., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 9:51, Reply)

Repost one
We started to buy a flat, overpriced at £36,000 about two years before we split up.
When I left her new Boyfriend was supposed to be paying the mortgage.
Three years later, just after my mother had died and when I'd moved back to look after my father, I got a phone call from a debt agency (who she'd told where I was) for payment of almost £35,000. It turned out neither of them had ever paid a penny, and her story of selling it on when she moved and paying the mortgage off was bullshit.
Luckily the guy from the debt agency was decent, split it so she had to pay half, and gave me time to sort it out because of my dads illness.
Less than five weeks later my dad died.
I rang the guy, asked him if he'd accept a lump sum of £8,000 from the £16,000 I was getting from the sale of my parents home, and he said yes.
She had come to an arrangement with him to pay £30 a month.
It cost me half my inheritance, but that was the end of it. She'll be paying that until the end of her life.
(paof2 Nude might not be rude, but rude could be nude..., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 9:51, Reply)

"Can we just....
fix the toilet seat?" i.e. Please can YOU go fix the toilet seat

"Can we just start mopping the kitchen floor everyday cos of the dog?" i.e. YOU must start mopping the floor everyday.

What's all this 'WE' pretense?
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 8:21, 7 replies)

Inasmuch as I've never understood
the widespread objection to shagging while she's on her period, I think deliberately bleeding on me and laughing is going too far. Wrapping her legs around me and giggling is a definite sign that it's that time of the fortnight (issues with contraceptives).
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 0:09, 4 replies)

I lost count of the number of times....
I'd be instructed to get out of bed and close the cupboard door properly because if it was open the boogee man would get her in the night.She was in her late 20' s so I'd imagine most normal people would have grown out of this by then, but it appears I was wrong....very wrong indeed.And woe betide the brave soul who gets up in the middle of the night to go to the boys room and opens the cupboard door in the middle of the night....there will be severe repercussions in the morning.It's not worth the hassle, trust me..
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 22:36, 4 replies)

Too Much Gabble!
So the wife plugs her laptop charger in and there is a bang! The circuit breaker has done it's job and nothing seems to be damaged apart from a socket that normally serves the kitchen TV and digibox (plus the wife's lappy when required).

I start by checking fuses, cables etc on the unplugged extension when there is a barrage of:

"Is it off? Is is safe?? Should you be doing that with the cover off? What caused it to go bang? Will it happen again? Are you sure you won't get a shock? is it OK now?" etc etc ad in-fuckin-finitum!


AAAaaaarrggh and I have to say "I'll let you know when I know!!! Meanwhile please could you stop the endless questions!!!!

Apparently I am a grumpy old cunt
( Vambo, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 22:33, 2 replies)

She's in a coma.
I know. I know it's serious.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 20:38, 6 replies)

Little princesses are dodgy.
I`m mad as vatican approved condom and full of flaws, but kind and considerate makes up for most of my lacks.
I don`t have many silly self illusions left after reality has burned them away as far as I can tell.

Sheltered fromm any hardship by being daddy`s girl doesn`t realy make a woman with a full set of reals that I can live with.
Never having had to struggle by yourself and find solutions makes you a spoiled selfish cow.

"I never fart"
"I am a very good driver"
I`ve never had an orgasm during sex so don`t try"

Somebody dying brought our paths together recently and 20 years on she is still in neverneverland. "NO! only people in films ,tv and literature have affairs, mere mortals cheat and lie and there is no nobility to it.
You cheated and your hubby was cheating elsewhere and got found out first, congratulations with the legals. I hope the money goes to the daughters brought into this world by amoral selfish narcissistic morons. The shag for old times sake didn`t merit a callback.

I don`t fart, so not human? when you go to sleep all those perfect wickel gurlie wafts exit big time. She went vegetarian and it was like a warzone ( and i was in the gulf and bosnia so i am not talking outside experience). INCOMING! WHOOMPH! and the duvet moved followed by the full Belsen beany waft. Weekend 2 I retired to the couch and left my dictaphone on volume activate and caught at least 20 sleep disturbers.
" thats not me that`s you"
No apart from being on the couch i`m sorry my sphincter doesn`t do coloratura soprano, the highest i can fart that loudly is nearly tenor. that is your stinky arse on tape.

You are a terrifying driver as you do not road read ahead

i`ve driven 10 tonners on a exemption as SPV`s but with 400k of broadcast kit on board including a top heavy uplink dish CAREFULLY. I`m quick, economical and smooth, not flashy. co drivers with HGV`s fall asleep.

Silly bitch starts on me first off I had her follow me and I slowed up " you drive like a lunatic" no, I just allowed you to keep up, you drive mine "this is terrifying it just goes when you put your foot down and the brakes are so harsh" yes but i can drive it smoothly, it is road legal as far as you can go without hitting insurance penalties a cage free group a( or is it n? no engine mods allowed )rally spec MG metro, it does under 9 and is around 95bhp 130 per tonne and much smoother and tourqier than the original. ( mate at work was an A-series guru, bike mechanic and ex racer before too many plates on the bones and his advice was spot on).
Her beemer had some tyre attrition on the sole and last occasion i was honoured and allowed to drive it, i flicked the handbrake and held it in a slide round a (clear) roundbout after 30 minutes of being told I didn`t know how to drive. I learned in a triumph herald, nasty vicious arse happy thing just like the beemer.

The bedroom farce was stupid.
maybe there are some blokes out there with curly tache`s who are the full leslie phillips seducers, but i don`t have a scooby what to do from scratch, no menus no nothing. first night is a nightmare unless she takes the lead at least initially. I need to know her first for long enough to start growing together. You make it work together it is not a powerpoint presntation.

No wonder you have never had a roy orbison, you do your little dance quickly and i think if i crack one off i will be only seconds faster


I thought of margaret thatcher just long enough to stop issue and eventually pushed the duration from 3 minutes past her little dance on my willy to about 35 and she had a real deal gentle full shudder roy orbison, and screamed and kicked me out of bed like i`d shit in it that was the end

Don`t say unrealistic or contentous things if you can`t handle the results

"where there is no contention there is no winner, but also no loser " Sun Tzu one translation of the art of war.

shoudn`t be war should it?
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 19:51, 32 replies)

Running Commentary
A 'partner' (as in my dept at work) gives a running commentary on what he is doing/seeing/watching at all times.

Considering this is largely looking at shit on the internet he shouldn't be (*cough*), this is not only surprising but annoying enough to make me want to see how many of his protein shake bottles fit up his arse sideways.

I can SEE what is on the TV, hear what is on the radio, and if I want to read some idiots half-baked opinion, well then I can come onto QOTW.
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 18:00, 2 replies)

Lady friends
An ex of mine used to get in a strop with me for daring to have friends of the opposite sex (many of whom, I'd know for years) - Sometimes if I was going out with a group of friends she would demand to know 'which girls were out' and would make annoying tutting sounds or even worse not talk to me.

Although her cause wasn't helped by the fact she had mostly male friends, all of whom she would flirt with.

Bitch.

Thankfully I am now in a wonderful state of being single.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 16:42, 6 replies)

My husband doesn't annoy me, which is nice.
But I have turned him into a B3tan. He made up a joke the other day, worthy of Sickipedia itself:

Q: What's a polar bear's favorite pudding?
A: Eton Mess.

I'm so proud!


Apologies for complete lack of relevance.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 15:41, 9 replies)

noisy sleeping
Last night, and a few times recently Mrs McBingobangobongo has let me drift into that amazing weird bit of dreamlike thoughts just before you drop off and then ruined it by coughing (she only ever coughs in her sleep, never during the day), turning violently over and stealing the duvet or talking/laughing/singing/muttering/whispering in her sleep. Over and over again. Every time I felt like I was just going under she messed it up...

I had about 4 hours sleep last night despite going to bed at 10pm and the alarm going off at 6.50am.

I hate it when I can't sleep, the sound of police sirens at the moment aren't really helping and the sound of the cats knocking stuff over could be easily remedied by sellotaping their legs together overnight but the last thing I want to get pissed off with is the woman I love, I find it genuinely funny and sweet when she talks and especially when she sings or laughs in her sleep but the last few times it has happened I could quite happily of shoved her out of the window.

Could be worse, how anyone marries someone who snores I have no clue.
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 14:04, 1 reply)

I live with Amorous Badger.
That is all :(
( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Wed 10 Aug 2011, 13:33, 15 replies)

The Robot...
as my freinds nicknamed her, due to her lack of emotion. My ex from a few years back, inch thick make up and drawn on eyebrows, what was I thinking?

Roughly a year after we broke up I was with a new woman and had not spoken with the Robot since the break up. She got in contact with me and we started talking again, very awkwardly on my part as it was a short relationship and we didn't really get on when we were going out. After some small talk and some strange comments from her I finally asked if she was ok? She causually replied, "Oh I'm anorexic now..."

What?!

After a two month relationship and a year of not talking she gets in contact with me to tell me that. I had absolutly no idea what to say. Eventually I managed to remove my jaw from the floor and ask when it started, she again casually replied, "just after we broke up." Ok kind of weird, was she trying to pin it on me? she didn't sound like she was accusing me, and she was the one who broke up with me!

At the end of this breif reconciliation I wished her the best and we havn't spoken since. I'm still unsure why she decided to tell me, maybe she just needed attention maybe she was trying to make me feel guilty, I'm not sure, but wherever you are Robot I hope you got over it!
(eggs and spam *insert witty sig here*, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 12:55, Reply)

Looking at jewellery shops
is something I can cheerfully do for five minutes at a time, if they've got nice watches. On the other hand..

...yeah.

I've actually mentally reconstructed my map of Glasgow city centre since meeting Falstaffette (whom I can assure you is a very sweet young woman). Now, if we're going shopping, no matter where we start, I can instantly plot the route that will take us past the fewest jewellers', and I'm very good at sticking to it in seemingly innocent ways. Sauchiehall St's pretty clear, but if we're going to turn onto Union St for eg, I may decide it's time for a Greggs lunch, just a bit further along the road. Entry to either of the shopping centres has to be achieved by one particular door, and I'll probably need to go to the toilet once we get in (it's in the other direction than the rings and necklaces). And if I fear we're going to be nearing the bottom of Buchanan St, I will fake an epileptic seizure.

I wouldn't mind so much, if it weren't for the constant and completely non ironic refrain of "Ooh, that's pretty. If you loved me, you'd get me that. Ooh, that's pretty. If you loved me, you'd get me that."
Apparently, love is neverhavingtosayyou'resorry being able to pull £2,495 out your arse at a moment's notice. And it's always rings, too. What is the woman's fascination with rings? I just don't get it.*



*Disclaimer: I get it. She's been explicit about wanting a wedding ring since about month one, and I've been equally as explicit about how, no, because you want a big fairytale wedding, whereas I have some vague conception of what being married to someone is actually like... I've also outright told her not to say 'If you loved me, you'd get me that' one more time because of the implications, since she knows I can't possibly afford the shite she looks at.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 12:22, 11 replies)

Oh, and another thing
She gets the most evil farts in the few days leading up to her period and for maybe a day or two into it. We call them her "No more bets farts" as it's the last chance of getting my leg over before she's up on bricks.

When I say evil, I mean evil. Truly malevolent. They're so bad that if I'm spooning behind her and she lets one out during the night, the smell has been known to actually wake me up, like smelling salts. Although she finds it hilarious, she did take umbrage to me once when I asked her if she'd been buttfucked by zombies wearing condoms made from roadkill.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 11:43, 7 replies)

Even when it's staring her in the face
As our kids are now in their late teens, Mrs SLVA and I will retire to our room in the evening for a bit of sanctuary from them. We'll watch DVDs or iplayer on the laptop. As anyone will tell you, you can't relax lying on your bed unless you get naked, so we do, (mind bleach is available on request). I lay there, she cuddles up to me but after five minutes, she slides down so she's resting her head on my abdomen and will lightly fruit me up. She will then tease me about getting bigger and blocking her view as if I have any control over it.
But, the annoying thing is that although it's more than convenient to, and she's lying close enough to it, she never thinks to take me in her mouth. I'm not expecting her to go at it like a dog eating a hot chip. No, just to gently nom on the end. Not to get me off, just because it would be really relaxing. She used to suck her thumb until she was 19, so I can't how this would be any different (except for the girth).
God knows, I stroke her back enough and fiddle with the hair on the nape of her neck so it makes her shiver.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 11:36, 12 replies)