repost four
If you're easily offended, don't read any further.
(Why I put that on b3ta I don't know...)
In the past I've mentioned my first long term relationship, 10 yrs in total, first 8 yrs okay, last couple of years just about avoiding killing each other. (Although knowing the bitch she is I suspect I'd have died first.)
(In our 7th year together we went on our second foreign holiday together, to Ibiza, and bought a second hand video camera for about £300 to record it. (This was about 1994, and the camera was the size of a shoebox.)
(The holiday bit isn't really relevant, just an explanation of why we had the camera.)
Anyway, yes we had played a little bit with the camera, recording our adult fun occassionally (including the time I fell asleep twice whilst lapping at the furry fountain.)
(My excuse, no sleep for 48 hours due to very early morning flight back from holiday.)
But, I'm not telling you this for my own cringe... Oh no, this is Tonys cringe...!!!

A MAJOR REASON WE SPLIT slowly UP:
We'd been together 8 yrs, and apart from a couple of false alarms in the first couple of years there'd never been any indication of impending parenthood, so we went to see the doc.
She (Julie) went to be scanned, prodded and poked, and came home to tell me they said she was fine.
I went to provide a sample and (another story I'll tell another time) got told my little fella's were bone idle lazy gits who didn't like swimming.
This peed her off.
Cutting a long story short, she ended up screwing a bloke she worked with who had a history of fathering kids (and then leaving them) and after 6 months of him not providing anything of use (and apparently being crap in bed) she took up with Tony, married and 2 kids at home.
Whilst all this is going on, I'll getting full details and I'll be honest it was a turn on (and if anything could turn me on for her it was a blessing.)
Anyway, she announces that as my birthday treat I could film them. (I seem to remember that I actually asked for the new Stephen King book, but never mind...)
Comes the day, camera on, and they start off dressed but within about 10 minutes its time to hide the bratwurst.

30 seconds.

He lasted 30 seconds.

She wondered why he's pulled out, I'm pissing myself laughing ("Oh God paof2, he's so good, can do it for ages"), and he is suitably embarrassed and suddenly remembers a school meting he must attend.

He claimed it was the pressure of me being there and the camera, but I didnt care anymore.
We split up very shortly after that.

They did stay together a while longer, then she moved back to her parents 200 miles away so the visits were infrequent (Is that one word or two?) and then she met a woman and became a lesbian for a few years

Oh, and my lazy sperm?
Within a month of leaving Julie I fathered a beautiful pair of twin girls.
That'll be me gloating instead of cringing then.
In fact since that time I have managed to cut her out of my life totally, even to the extent of not letting her be a friend on facebook.
You see, after the lesbian relationship broke down (during which it was "oh paof2, this is so wonderful, I don't know what I ever saw in men, they do nothing for me") she immediatly tried to latch back onto me, despite the fact that I was now with the woman who I'm married to.
I had god knows how many phone calls a day where she would let it do the smallest ring and then hang up, on the assumption I'd ring her, and text messages that would be random numbers and letters because, despite telling her I had a basic phone that just sent and received text, she would be trying to send pictures.
It got to the stage where my wife and I were going to visit friends, and were about 5 minutes from Cambridge on the train waiting for the friends to call to let us know they'd arrived, and the phone rang. I answered it straight away (it actually vibrates for a moment before ringing) and she was shocked I'd caught her.
"Sorry Julie, got to go waiting for another call."
"Dont you want to talk then?"
"No, I'm busy, call you later"
and hung up
Phone rings
"Are you ignoring me?"
Hang up
Phone rings
"Don't you want to talk to me?"
"No."
Hangs up
By now the entire carriage has gone silent waiting for the next episode.
Phone rings.
"Why don't you want to..."
"Just fuck off, will you?"
Small cheer from group of chavs at end of carriage
Hangs up, turns phone off, took chance friends would be there. (They were.)
That evening I rebooted.
46 missed calls from her.

I sent her a text.
"If you ever contact me again I'll contact your phone provider telling them you're harrassing me."
Immediate response
"I get about 50 anonymous calls a day, I think they're from you"
"Please yourself, you see my phone keeps a record of who calls, and how long for! Shall I contact o2 now?"

Silence reigned.
Until a few weeks ago, I'm still friends with her cousin, and Julie saw I was one of her facebook friends, so asked me if she could be mine too.

Aren't ignore buttons great?
(paof2 Nude might not be rude, but rude could be nude..., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 9:54, 86 replies)

jesus

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:09, closed)

this is the best internet EVER.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 13:06, closed)

STEP AWAY FROM THE INTERNET

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:14, closed)

Ha
And who grew him a pair of girls within a month?
(Stiltzkin, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:23, closed)

Rabbits
have a 31day gestation period
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:26, closed)

I'm more confused by this: "two biological children and one half biological (its confusing), and two stepkids."
Half-biological? Now I'm probably missing a really obvious point somewhere here, but I thought a child is either yours or a step-child...
( theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:36, closed)

Not if you're bertmonkeysex.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:45, closed)

Is this what non-bio washing powder is for?

(Stiltzkin, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 11:00, closed)

Nobody comes out of this looking good.
Nobody.
( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:14, closed)

She must have the most boiled bunnies EVAAA!!1!

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:15, closed)

You've had kids?!
I despair for humanity.
( Tab Hunter Make this useless process end and so, begin again, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:18, closed)

What a great tale..
What is it about?
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:20, closed)

wow
...even to the extent of not letting her be a friend on facebook

steady now
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:26, closed)

it's the ultimate real-life ZINGER!!1!!ELEVEN

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:27, closed)

"Aren't ignore buttons great?"
Fuck yeah...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:28, closed)

This is all a bit creepy.

(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:41, closed)

One for the AB fail archive?

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:44, closed)

I'm reading this as: you were an accomplice in an atrocious relationship
You let your partner sleep with other men because you simply didn't have the balls to deal with the problem there and then.
You had twins within a month of leaving your ex....so you were cheating on her for 8 months prior to that?
And now you boast on the internet because your ex is now seriously confused and infertile, because you're a bit of a cunt.

I hope your girls meet someone like you so their lives can be nice and ruined too, you fucking imbecile.
( Frisbee TeaBoy, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:45, closed)

you should give them your phone number.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:49, closed)

If they stayed together for that long, it's more than likely because they were both a bit uggo
and afraid nobody else would love them.

I'm not being sold here. Twins too, it'd be uggo in stereo :(
( Frisbee TeaBoy, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:51, closed)

You can’t hide from the forensic analysis of this country’s finest legal mind.

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:51, closed)

Quiet, you.
Making tea is hard.
( Frisbee TeaBoy, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:52, closed)

You let your partner sleep with other men because you simply didn't have the balls to deal with the problem there and then.
Yes, I agree BUT I had both serious self esteem problems and the urge to be a father.

You had twins within a month of leaving your ex....so you were cheating on her for 8 months prior to that?
No, I should have phrased it as 'my new girlfriend got pregnant with twins..." I have never cheated on a partner with another woman.

And now you boast on the internet because your ex is now seriously confused and infertile, because you're a bit of a cunt.
Boasting, no. Telling the truth, yes.
My ex has been using another guy in the same way she used me for the last 8 years. She's about as seriously confused as a fox looking at a chicken coop. As for infertile, thats not my fault.
(paof2 Nude might not be rude, but rude could be nude..., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:57, closed)

Okay, apologies. So what you've confirmed is:
-You're a wet rag of a partner who admits to being used- great father material there, here's hoping you don't fuck up your current partner in the same way.

-It took you a whole month to fall into the arms of another woman and get her pregnant- a man who demonstrates true restraint and independence right there.

-Your partner was infertile and you claim that because it's not your fault = not your problem. Good job in supporting her, cuntchops. Hopefully you'll have the same kind of backbone when your current victim has a similar mishap.

-You think boasting about her infertility is telling the truth - propercuntlols.

-You can't use english properly.

Can somebody make sure his partner sees this brainfart, please?
( Frisbee TeaBoy, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:59, closed)

I don’t get this getting turned on by seeing another man shag your wife.

I’d no more let a man shag my wife, than I would let him drive my car or monkey around with any of my property.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 11:03, closed)

and that, ring of fire, makes you a true gentleman.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 11:08, closed)

Seconded.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:48, closed)

"No, I should have phrased it as 'my new girlfriend got pregnant with twins..." I have never cheated on a partner with another woman."


There's a telling turn of phrase...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 11:03, closed)

which is all lovely, and that, but why are you telling the internet SEVENTEEN YEARS LATER?

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 11:08, closed)

At a guess: his girls are nearly 18
And he thinks that this is a gentle precursor to their matchmaking.
I would pay good money to watch him to do it here.
( Frisbee TeaBoy, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 11:10, closed)

God I hope they read B3ta

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 11:10, closed)

1994 !
OH. MY. GOD.... we're in 2011.
( G/PP &#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:56, closed)

Good point.
This also implies that we have a 40+ year old man whining like a baby about facebook friends. What a catch.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:58, closed)

He's 50+

( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 11:04, closed)

Fucking hell.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 11:06, closed)

Jesus christ Ian, it was nearly two decades ago, get over it.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 11:25, closed)

Despite his age and size paof2 is an avid nudist, and loves Holkham beach, went at the start of September and it was bloody cold and windy.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 11:30, closed)

Yes, unfortunately thanks to me we have now seen photos.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 11:36, closed)

Yeah
Because people never post anecdotes about things that didn't in just the last few years
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 11:41, closed)

Way to miss the point, dingus.
/ac
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 11:42, closed)

I was hasty in my defence of the OP,
however having read his other three reposts (in reverse order), they contradict each other more than a shit witness being cross-examined in court.

Please accept my apologies. Do you want flowers or chocolate?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 11:48, closed)

I want you to send him a facebook friend request.
www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1360514328

Or point out that he is a nonce.
www.amazon.co.uk/review/RDLXBJQ4FXW9M
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 11:50, closed)

Have we found Mortal Wombat a friend do you think?
also, i'm just getting in for the archive, or before it all gets deleted.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:05, closed)

Oh hell, good point, we'd best start screengrabbing.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:08, closed)

can it be deleted after the question is closed?

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:10, closed)

I don't know.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:11, closed)

I think it can for a week or two.
It doesn't get archived straight away.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:17, closed)

It'd be awful thing if his daughters knew how liberal with his personal information/shopping habits he is, and how openly he's willing to talk about other people's lives.
Truly awful.
( Frisbee TeaBoy, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:51, closed)

never mind that, have you seen his online dating profile?

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:52, closed)

Soz, busy messaging completely random people
about something unrelated.
( Frisbee TeaBoy, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:53, closed)

actually, never mind THAT.
i have literally no idea what is going on here:

s486.photobucket.com/albums/rr227/paof2/?action=view¤t=DadGirlsTree-1.jpg#!oZZ1QQcurrentZZhttp%3A%2F%2Fs486.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Frr227%2Fpaof2%2F%3Faction%3Dview%26current%3DgroupHatfield.jpg
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:53, closed)

Oh my.
good work.

Although I really wish I hadn't seen that FB profile pic.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:09, closed)

good stalking skills
a little bit creepy mind

but not as creepy as the op
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:17, closed)

Not stalking, internet detectivery.
Now if you don't mind I need to drop my fedora and raincoat off at the dry cleaners then go and drink myself into a stupor over a dumb broad.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:22, closed)

do you have a flashing neon sign outside your window/louver blinds
& smoke unfiltered cigs
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:25, closed)

Yeah, and there's always a police siren in the distant background.
My inner monologue seems to have violins or some shit playing over it.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:34, closed)

I think this is a hard lesson in "not using the same ID for everything on the net"
s486.photobucket.com/albums/rr227/paof2/
www.mingles.com/paof2/

Children: Have children
Want Children?: Undecided.
( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:34, closed)

yup
www.prematureejaculationaid.info/general/can-anyone-answer-some-questions-on-fernum-piercings/?cid=3571
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:42, closed)

:(

( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:43, closed)

All of this, every last bit of it, is being forwarded to Badger.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:58, closed)

deserves a separate heading
like the goat & Phils1969
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 13:01, closed)

'The Best of Jon and Vangelis' is in my cassette deck, because I haven't a CD player at the moment.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:47, closed)

Needs more brackets

(DBS, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:18, closed)

Ah.... Ehm...
o.O
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:22, closed)

No way you big spastic, you're a mentalist.

( Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:35, closed)

Hahahahahahahaahahaha!
Click!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:42, closed)

This is the most complete stitch up/e-lynching in the history of the internets.

(impossibly witty twat No, YOUR Mum etc etc, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:48, closed)

Ha!
This is now my go-to line for anyone who displeases me
(Gherkinlasagna is probably doing something stupid on, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:45, closed)

No way you big spastic, you're a mentalist.
oh yeh
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:47, closed)

I might use it as the title for my Masters dissertation
did I mention I'm doing psychology?
(Gherkinlasagna is probably doing something stupid on, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:52, closed)

Why haven't you deleted this yet, it's a fucking disgrace.

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:49, closed)

shut up rory. we're still playing, here.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:52, closed)

In all fairness it's been screencapped and he's probably run away from the internet in disgrace.
Or he's too busy distributing photographs of his naked kids from the glory days of when they were eighteen months old.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:56, closed)

t'cha
harsh :D
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:59, closed)

What

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:54, closed)

posssibly

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:57, closed)

did

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:54, closed)

not

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:57, closed)

you

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:55, closed)

the

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:58, closed)

expect?

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:55, closed)

lynching
..he got

damn
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 12:58, closed)

Sucks to be you!

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 13:00, closed)

yeh
self deprecating humor ftl

:(
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 13:04, closed)