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This is a question Bastard Colleagues

You've all known one. The brown-nosing fucker, the 'comedian', the drunk, the gossip and of course the weird one with no mates who goes bell ringing, looks like Mr Majika and sports a monk's haircut (and is a woman).

Tell us about yours...

Thanks to Deskbound for the idea

(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 9:09)
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Directors and Managers are by far the worst.
This is simply a rant about directors and managers who think themselves higher than royalty, higher than god and higher than the laws of physics themselves. These people are a race above human.

Working in IT, I’ve had my fair share of dealings with Directors and how they must be treated completely differently to the rest of the workforce. And wow I've seen some stupidity in my time from these people. With rich and power, common sense and reality gets lost, as they cocoon themselves in their own little self important bubble.

They come in two varieties. First, the older generation. The mid-life crises 55 year old, who drives around in his oversized, over powered BMW. They get the only parking space in the city, and retire to their country mansion at night.

These people literally expect the earth to move around them. They see themselves as a higher level of being to anyone else, and as such, the cockroach workforce should feel obliged to even glimpse this wonderful powerful being.

They have their plush oversized offices with multiple personal assistants running around after them 24/7, ferrying coffees and anything else they want on demand. I honestly believe these people do nothing but sit in presentations, smile for corporate photographs and sign the odd sheet of paper. They always seem to be out of the office playing golf or taking holidays.

These people may have a PC, but would they even bother using them? Course not. The PAs will read their emails and print them off, if it’s important enough for him to read.

The time they do touch technology, it will undoubtedly screw up due to total lack of common sense, and of course I.T gets the full brunt of the blame.

Once, one of these dingle bats put transparent glossy paper in a colour laser printer after we told him not to. Result was, the paper melted onto the fuser unit and caused severe damage to the printer. Damage that would require parts ordering and a service technician calling out.
"How long will that take? I want it working in 5 minutes, I have a meeting."

Because of their godly like importance, the supervisors are running around calling every tom dick and harry to come and fit new parts to this printer. Result was a bike transport costing an extra 600 pounds from the other side of the country and an emergency call to the printers manufacturer to come and fit it. Total cost 1800 quid. This was a day after we had to go round 100 PCs switching them onto Toner Save options to save money. The director never did print the stuff he apparently wanted.. Which turned out to be something personal anyway.

I also had one of these numpties demand that 4 members of IT would be used to configure his daughters laptop so he could take it to her university, as he was going in 10 minutes. Installing a fresh copy of windows, office, itunes generally does take more than 10 minutes no matter how fast the machine is. But that was irrelevant. And quite how 4 technicians huddled around one laptop would make things go any faster I have no idea. But worst of all, this was at the same time as we were experiencing a major router fault. Crippling 40 offices UK wide. But his daughter had the priority.

Next up. You’ve got the arse lickers. Those that have given sexual favours to get promoted up the ranks. The 30 year old kids. At the dizzy heights of the 4th floor on a major, and I mean, major power trip. How someone of 30 who is 5 years out of university can be making decisions for huge corporations with all of a few years experience in the world of work is beyond me. But wow these guys are the worst.
They act like your best mates, and try to be cool. But would happily drop you like a sack of potatoes if you happen stray on their wrong side.

Because they grew up in the 80s, they feel they are on the tide of the technology boom, and want nothing more than the best. Seriously I've seen directors surrounded by 4 23" widescreen monitors hooked up to dual core graphics cards. 4GB RAM PCs with dedicated 10Mb broadband connections when the rest of the company are sharing a 2mb.
I’ve seen these directors with PCs more powerful than the applications servers. So what do they use them for? Browsing the net and checking email of course! I’ve also seen cinema sized wide screen plasmas fitted to their offices with full sky subscriptions... So they can keep an eye on Bloomberg.

They demand the best, and they get it no questions asked. Yet when some poor sod is suffering on a flickering 14" CRT whilst trying to design tools in AutoCAD requests a bit of extra memory, there’s about 4 forms and 6 signatures required to sign off. Requiring at least an essay to explain justification and five quotes for the cheapest price.

So what do these 30 year old directors drive around in? Well of course it has to be Lamborghinis and Ferraris. They have to show that they have something cool and prove to the world that they are successful... Successful in giving blow jobs in my opinion.
These people also love their plush offices and having 17 year old blonde bimbos known PAs running around after them. (and are usually having sexual affairs with them)

The worst thing is, these 30 year old entrapanoures are just as stupid if not worse as their daddies. Unthought-of, rash, stupid decisions. Such as "Block Google now!" so people can’t search for that news report about how dodgy the company is. These people also expect the laws of physics to change to suit them, and Bill Gates to personally come and fix their PC problems.

"You left my PC on Administrator mode!"
"Umm no I'm sure I logged it out after I installed that printer for you."
"You calling me a liar? It says Administrator here"
"Aaah yes, just change it for your name and then put your password in as normal. It just remembers the last person to log on"
"How do I do that? Come up now and do it! CLICK"

This particular occasion resulted in me having to ring Microsoft to see if they could change something that was hard coded into Windows. Well you have three choices. Auto logon as him. Remember last person to log on, or don’t remember last user to log on. He wanted neither. But a call to Microsoft was required to clarify this.

Oh the law doesn’t matter to these people either. I’ve seen them wondering around the offices smoking. Yet everyone else has to go shiver in the outside bus shelter in the rain if they want to smoke.

So yes, you get your numpty work colleagues. The office Judas. The idiot who will try and self repair printers by ripping fuser units out when they’re switched on. The office joker who will superglue your mouse to the desk. The guy who will do 3 hours overtime daily and wonder why no one else does. The slackers. Those that come in stinking of last nights booze. The self important supervisors who’s stuff is always more important than anyone else. The sexy lass who is just a cocktease and she knows it.

Yes I’ve experienced them all. But nothing makes me groan more than the managers and directors. How much I loathe these people. I am a fond believer in treating everyone equal. We are all human. This is just one little company in a little company on a little planet in the whole big universe. It’s just a job; it’s not the be all and end all of life. We work to live, not live to work. But nope, this isn’t good enough for them. Nothing is ever good enough. Your loyalty stands with the company, not with your family or friends.

I hate the tippy toeing, the stress, the nerves that these people put on their minion workforce. You do a million things correct for everyone else, and one thing slightly wrong for a director and bang, your career is over. They quite literally have lost all grasp on reality.

Yup big rant, but I'm sure there’s a lot of you there nodding your head as your reading this.. In which case.. Clicky please!!!!
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 13:11, 19 replies)
sage sage observation
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 13:31, closed)
An absolute epic!
*click* from me :D
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 13:34, closed)
You've got your *click*
you deserve it...
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 13:42, closed)
Have a click.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 13:43, closed)
Ah yes,
You've saved me an hour or two. If I was a director, I'd steal this and claim it was mine and then cut you dead.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 13:44, closed)
Look on the bright side
Their names and addresses are listed with companies house...

Not that I would advocate anything naughty of course but I believe ordering fresh manure cash on delivery is a satisfying sort of thing.

(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 13:44, closed)
bang on
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 13:52, closed)
Cheers guys!!
Thanks for the clicks!!
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 13:57, closed)
Been there done that told them to fuck off. Have a click.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 14:25, closed)
I'm a director
and I'm not anything like the chaps in your post. I often have to do the washing up in my office because all my staff tell me it is not in their job description.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 15:27, closed)
You get a click.
I get the feeling you felt better after typing that.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 18:12, closed)
Bet you....

(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 18:23, closed)
I don't work in an officey environment very often coz...
...I'm a painter as it goes. I have, however, met all of those horrid cunts you describe so wonderfully.
Why not get a proper dirty job with proper blokes? Forget the suity wankers with thier spreadsheets and Porche ambitions. Start at 8 and finish at 4-30. Job done and down the pub for drinks.
Dead by 50 coz of lung rot.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 22:50, closed)
It is truthfullness

(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 23:53, closed)
Hats off!
(, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 15:17, closed)
can count on my clicky.
(, Sat 26 Jan 2008, 1:20, closed)
ha ha ha
Where's my Ferarri?!
No scarily true.
(, Tue 29 Jan 2008, 12:40, closed)
I have met many such wankers. Shit filters down, alright.

Have a click, sir.
(, Tue 29 Jan 2008, 15:59, closed)
Ruined it by begging for clicks.

Loved the rant, but the begging bit.......

So I won't click.

Not at all.



Oh go one then, just this once

(, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 6:05, closed)

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