Sex onions
I once made a curry that had shit onions in it. It made me sick. My boyfriend left me so I killed myself with it. Fuck.
(Nigella Pussycat picking baked-in hair from creme brulee, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 20:43, 5 replies)

The Kebabsicle
Once, when walking home from the pub on a winters evening, the fat from my kebab ran down my forearm and created a pure white stalactite on my elbow.
I snapped it off and had a little taste. Wasn't too bad, but made my mouth a bit furry.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 2 Jun 2011, 20:18, Reply)

Green eggs and ham.
When I was a fussy child, my nan always used to quote that oh so smug Dr Seuss. Whenever I refused to eat some nasty looking shite, I always got the "Green eggs and ham" comment. Well, my nan loved school fetes and particularly tombollas which is where she won some wonderful stuff. A tin of frog legs and a tin if snails. I kid you not, someone got these items from a French relative or something and donated them to said tombolla, sensible people.

Upon opening the frogs legs (tin of, not a sex act!) I was offered and refused the nasty, pale ugly looking amphibious creatures legs. My old man tried them and said they were like chicken. Then came time to open the snails. I don't remember what they looked like, but what I do remember was the smell. To this day I still get a little tight in my throat when I think about it. It was like nothing I have smelled since and it kind of stuck in your nostrills like when a baby vomits milk, but it was not a milky smell. It was thick and pungent and earthy I suppose. No one had the stomach to try them. Especially my nan. "Green eggs and ham nan!" I shouted. But no amount of telling her worked. After that she rarely quoted it at me again. That was when I realised that adults are full of shit and turn situations to suit them. This is as clear now even more so now I'm an adult.

I'm a bit more adventurous with food, these days, but a still can't watch Bear Gryles eat the stuff he does, it always reminds me of those snails.
(Beaverman Opulence, I has it., Thu 2 Jun 2011, 18:53, Reply)

In Thailand I was up for trying local cuisine.
At a buffet I dived into a curry which looked to have large chunks of beef in it. Sat down took a massive mouth full, thought this is strange doesn't taste like beef. It was cubes of congealed pigs blood, with the consistency of sliceable jelly. Plus for flavouring it also had what looked like chicken knees in the curry.
( BindiBaji, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 17:04, Reply)

Scout camp cooking
Fish fingers - cooked in the (near) dark - frozen on the inside, black charcoal on the outside - need I say more?

As much as I tried I just couldn't eat them - probably a good thing
(Skippyfillet, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 16:33, 1 reply)

My last meal ?
I flew via Hamburg yesterday ... there did seem to be a lot of salad on the burger 8-0
(Biff..., Thu 2 Jun 2011, 16:20, Reply)

This is taking the fucking piss isn't it?
4.14 on a Thursday and no new question?
POOR!
(Unstable-Dan looks like that bloke out of Scream, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 16:16, 23 replies)

Best meal of my life...
www.peninsula.com/Bangkok/en/~/media/54A242FB70914A9BAB6E436303C1C90F.ashx

Droooool...
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 15:39, 2 replies)

Crumbly Treat
Many years ago I was eating a snack while in bed. What the actual snack was escapes me, but the important part was that it was extremely delicious but also extremely crumbly.

After I had eaten my full, I noticed that there were a number of tantalising scrumptious leftover crumbs for me to hoover up. So I began to flick them hungrily into my mouth while also feeling pretty clever that I was cleaning the mess off my bed in the process.

Now also lying on the bed was the family cat, poetically named 'Tiger' by me in my formative years. Tiger was a real farm cat, meaning that she was a bit (a lot) disgusting. She dribbled uncontrollably when she was excited, and a sinus infection had meant that she constantly breathed in a hoarse, wheezing snort. She was also totally deaf, and her ears were always filled with brown infected gunk.

Extremely crumbly brown infected gunk.

It took me seconds to realise what the large crumb I'd just put in my mouth was, but the memory of the hideous taste and the consequent vomiting have lived with me forever.
(AwesomeCroc, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 15:32, 2 replies)

Baked Alaska
My brother-in-law is a twat. He decided to make Baked Alaska, which calls for, amongst other ingredients, cream of tartar. He checked in the cupboard. No cream of tartar. What's the next best thing? Tartare sauce, of course! Fucksocks. Haven't got any of that either. So he used mayonnaise. Bloik.
(Tighthead, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 15:20, Reply)

I went to Svalbard over the weekend, and I ate whale
It was delicious. Was this wrong, in the sense of, endangered animals etc. I don't feel at all guilty.
( rofl harris, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 15:13, 3 replies)

The worst thing I've ever eaten are Cheese and Onion crisps
as they are worst of all the crisp flavours. FACT
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 14:25, 9 replies)

Never Again.
The worst thing I ever ate was back when I was a personal Mexican wave for Chevy Chase.

One time after Pentecost, Chevy and I went to a burger joint in LA where I ordered a burger. Old Chevmeister ordered himself a Jolly Rancher soup. We were celebrating finishing his latest film; ‘Arnold Cumgullet, and the Maraudering Cunt Pony of Edam.’

But hold on there, mingeflap, we were in America! Imagine my surprise as they wheeled in my burger. At the bottom was the bun, next the beef patty, next a layer of cheese, a slice of tomato, a Lincoln Continental Automobile, lettuce, tomato sauce, and the top of the bun.

I says to Chevvy, I says “Cheeky cunts. I fucking hate lettuce!” And he laughed and pooed himself and said “If you’ll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal.”

I agreed, and we decided to discuss my new job role over a pint of beer at the local bar after the meal. I ended up on a very good wage and also health benefits, dental care, and a life sized wax model of the Cadbury’s Caramel bunny (Which I later made sweet sweet waxy rodent bareback bumsex to) that Chevy had carried about his person.

It wasn’t until later on in the evening in my hotel room, that I realised what I had done. I had eaten a car. I started to get the sweats, and my guts were rumbling. I looked over at the Cadbury’s bunny, but the sight of her mouth with a cock shaped waxy hole in it only made me think of Captain Bucky O’Hare, another cartoon rabbit cocktease.

I farted, and a few nuts and bolts shot out of my arse and split my troos.

Then I became delirious,feverous, my stomach was cramping. I launched an enormous trump which produced a vanilla magic tree airfreshner from my quakeing balloon knot and ran to the toilet. I dropped my pants and started shitting a goddamn motherfucking car.

One of the tyres acted as the pace car, and was quickly followed by the gearbox, rear subframe, floormats and fuel tank. They shattered the fuck out of the toilet bowl, and my piss poor attempt at flushing them away did nothing except fuck my luck further and soak my ballbags with water.

I went doo-fucking-lally as I passed a door and steering wheel, and began hallucinating... Roger Rabbit, Bugs bunny, and that dead eyed cunt from ‘Watership Down’ appeared before me and said they were going to fuck me up with bike chains and bits of wood with nails in the end. It was truly surreal.

The next morning I woke up, and the bathroom looked like a scrapyard. Luckily, Phil Mitchell was staying next door, so he put the car back together for me with nothing but an old red oily cloth and a Ricky Butcher.

Never again, I can tell you. Stick to kebabs with light aircraft in them I say.
(Spaff_Quaffer Wise fwom your gwave., Thu 2 Jun 2011, 14:22, 11 replies)

Ere, I bin shakin this ere milk
for threeee weeks, I 'av', an' I can' believe its not butter...

Milky milky.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 14:12, 3 replies)

Thing is, I don't reckon vegetarians should be allowed meat-flavoured, "fakeon" stuff and all those meat substitutes like Quorn and so on.
If you're going to be a vegetarian, then have some will power.

The chastising of people who eat meat is massively diminished by your clear vulnerability to tasty, tasty murder.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 13:32, 19 replies)

The worst: Liver cheesecake
When I was a teenager and living at home, my sister and I squabbled over the last piece of strawberry cheesecake left in the fridge. It looked particularly juicy, with red glistening strawberry sauce, drooping over the edges. Feeling generous I relented and said that big sis could have the last slice, if I could just sweep my finger in the sauce and have a big lick. She agreed. So I did. Lots of sauce, straight in the mouth. I immediately gagged - the most disgusting taste of death and metal filled my mouth. I ran to stick my mouth under the tap, gagging - 'its blood', 'its blood'. Sis thought I was joking until she realised how desperately I was trying to wash away the taste in my mouth.

Turns out my foolish mother had put a plate of liver to defrost on the shelf above the cheesecake; it had defrosted and the blood had run down to the shelf below and covered the cheesecake, beautifully disguised as strawberry sauce.

I always make sure meat products are on the bottom shelf and desserts are on the top shelf now!
(becks3uk, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 13:01, Reply)

Best / Worst thing I've ever eaten

(@feelwelcome Hello, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 12:20, Reply)

doner kebab meat curry lasagne!
instead of mince, kebab meat and instead of tomatoey sauce, curry sauce...

oh and chilli shepherds pie pie (pastry underneath, then chilli, then mash potatoes on top).

my wife used to be a professional chef, I have somehow managed to stay skinny despite being with her for 6 years.
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 12:20, 2 replies)

battered chips?
whilst trawling the Black Country for florist supplies (my other half did a floristry course when we were on the dole a few years ago, we got nice arrangements all the time but weekends ended up touring around looking for ribbon and baskets) we spied a chip shop that proudly announced "we now do battered chips". It's a local delicacy, completely wrong but oh so right.

so on the way back we stopped there, not only did we get the best orange chips ever, I spotted a sign that said 'doner fritters, 70p' and whilst looking for some battered kebab meat in the hotbox I also noticed some deep fried black pudding...

...we probably lost about 4 years off our lives with that meal but it was flippin amazing.

we don't live far from the Black Country now and our local chippy has just changed hands... they've started doing orange chips... arse.
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 12:16, Reply)

icklepeach (is she still on here?) gave me an excellent recipe for
chicken stuffed with black pudding, in a black pudding and cream sauce, which was a heart attack waiting to happen (bacon may have been involved, too). She also me in touch with a supplier of quality, Stornoway black pudding.

On the flipside, I once ran out of baking powder whilst making pancakes, so substituted bi-carb. Looked OK, but they tasted fizzy - not good, although probably not the worst thing ever.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 12:03, 2 replies)

While we're waiting...
...some food-related recording artists:

Bananarama
Orange Juice
Lemon Jelly
Lemon D
Meat Puppets
Baby Gravy
Sexy Breakfast
Kid Coconut & The Pink Monkeybirds
Silver Apples
Peaches
Tangerine Dream
Lamb
Cream
Lolly
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 2 Jun 2011, 11:28, 24 replies)

Black Pudding
makes it better.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 11:25, 1 reply)

Lasagne of Doom!
My Nan has never been much of a cook, my Mum often tells stories of how when she and my Uncle were younger they would sneak out of bed at night to the kitchen to get some proper food- this consisted of ketchup sandwiches I’m told, as this was a massive improvement on Nan's cooking.

Back to presentish times...The whole family loves a good Lasagne (My Mum makes a simply super one!) so one day my Nan decides she wants us all round for tea. She'll make a lasagne so asks my mum for the recipe. We aren't talking homemade béchamel sauce and all that malarkey, my Mum gives her the simple "Buy Dolmio sauces" version- what could go wrong?

Everything.

Something must have gone wrong in Nan's head.
Instead of pasta sheets we have pasta twirls- not a big problem.
Instead of white sauce we have mushroom soup - ummm.
Instead of chopped tomatoes or dolmio tomato sauce we have tomato soup- Ick.
We did have mince but rather than chopped onions we have leeks- Urgh.
I have no idea what cheese was used but it tasted like it hadn't been taken out of the plastic wrapper.

We are all politely trying to choke down this monstrosity and my Dad pipes up “ I didn’t know you put peanuts in lasagne?” He’d found some small and incredibly hard pellets in the meal. “Oh that will be the sweetcorn” says Nan. Sweetcorn wouldn’t be totally offensive in a lasagne but certainly not to our taste, however she’d cooked the lasagne for so long they had just gone hard, black and gritty.

I never ever eat at my Nan’s now. Bless her.
(CarryOnKay, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 11:19, Reply)

That brown crusty thing I just picked up off my desk
thinking it was going to be a nice, crispy, sugary crumb dropped off the edge of the almond and maple syrup muffin I just ate?

It wasn't.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 10:41, 1 reply)

Staffordshire Oatcakes
with cheese. Maybe bacon.

Probably one of the few aspects of Stoke I genuinely miss.
( Pig Bodine., Thu 2 Jun 2011, 9:48, 5 replies)

Soapcakes.
As a child in the middle of elementary school I loved pancakes. The crunchy oil filled edges and the soft, syrup absorbent middle were the highlight of many a morning.

Until that is; my dad still half asleep, handed me a plate of perfectly scrumptious looking doughy disks which I duly covered in butter and syrup and tucked in. After the second bite something was definitely amiss, underlying the sweet maple-y awesomeness was an acrid pungency which was frankly worrying. I raised my concerns as tactfully as my twelve year old mind allowed and daddy dearest began to investigate.

Shortly the source of my trouble was found to be a combination of the close proximity and resemblance between the cooking oil and the dish soap and my dad not yet being fully awake on an early school morning.

Definitely the worst nominally foodly thing I have eaten. The best would be my first homemade salmon maki and chopped scallop rolls.
(The Bloody Awful Warsaw Concerto, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 5:49, 2 replies)

Caviar
When I was pretty young, a Russian friend came to stay with my family. As is the norm for Russians apparently, she bought gifts including some excellent black caviar, red caviar and a bottle of what I wouldn't know until several years later, was really really good vodka. However the only person in my family who liked or would even eat caviar was my dad, and he didn't eat much of it.

I'm allergic to fish and shellfish, and even at that age I knew that caviar was fish eggs, so I have absolutely no idea why I thought that somehow it would be exempt from the general rule of making me extremely ill. Even more stupidly I didn't sample it while my dad was doing so, when it was at its best and being served properly. Instead I sneaked downstairs to the back-kitchen and probably under the impression that I was doing something really naughty, I literally got a dessert spoonful of the stuff out and stuffed it into my greedy face. Forget blinis or crackers, all you really need is a spoon.

I'm aware for a lot of people caviar is a delicacy to be savoured and enjoyed. Bugger that, it was one of the most disgusting things I've ever tasted. It wasn't very salty, and the taste while really unappetising and rather fishy wasn't the most offensive thing ever. It was the texture that got me. It's impossible to describe, but although the eggs weren't actually popping, it felt like they were. I imagine it's what like eating frogspawn is like.

As if that wasn't enough punishment, even though I only swallowed a tiny bit, my mouth swelled up quite badly, and I spent the rest of the night in considerable discomfort. It's not fair, but even now when people talk about loving caviar, or how it's one of the best things they've eaten, I can feel a tiny part of me thinking 'liar.'
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 4:20, 3 replies)

Whelks

They're not food. They're snots wearing crash helmets.


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 1:29, 4 replies)