paedophile camera
Was stood on a street corner in Nottingham with a sound level meter on a tripod doing a noise survey. An interested passer by shouted from across the road "what's that mate? A paedophile camera?"
(BoyHoover, Sun 15 Dec 2013, 9:37, 5 replies)

So I was reading Euclid's Elements in the bath
and noticed that my penis formed an equilateral triangle with the lower part of my torso. Long story short I pissed in my own mouth.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 13:48, 17 replies)

In the Taj Mahal curry house, Douglas, Isle of Man
So I'm telling a (not very interesting, not worth repeating) anecdote from that year's summer holiday, when we flew on a German airline and the stewards were a bit clueless.

Next thing I know, there is a scruffy middle-aged guy wearing a sea captain's cap standing next to me.

"Excuse me. My name is Captain Schmidt. I am German."

"er...pleased to meet you..."

"You ver talking about ze var, yes?"

"No, just about my summer holiday."

"Yes you ver, you ver talking about ze second vorld var vith ze English and ze Germans."

"No, really I wasn't, it was just a German plane."

Work colleagues are all cracking up and not offering a word of support.

It took about five minutes to convince him (and I had to suggest he asked the people at the next table in case they'd heard the original conversation better than he had). I thought he was going to pull out his Luger and shoot me.

In one of those esprit d'escalier moments, I later realised I should have asked if he'd parked his U-boat out in the bay.
(rogerzilla, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 18:55, 5 replies)

Splash splash
Having walked in on two young members of my local swimming club having a very intimate encounter in a changing villages shower cubicle, I had a quiet word with the coach to suggest that it might be better if they were a little more discreet.

He looked at me in a bemused way and said "They can't have been doing anything. They're under age."
(ubergeekian, Sat 14 Dec 2013, 16:04, 4 replies)

Christmas Cracker Jokes
Me: What do you call a penguin in the desert?

Nicole: Stupid?

Me: No.. ok I'll give you a clue - if you go the wrong way you are...?

Nicole: Napoleon?

Me: Explain...

Nicole: Well he went the wrong way and got fucked by the Russians

Couldn't fault the logic
(khatula, Mon 16 Dec 2013, 3:46, 20 replies)

I was walking the dog in the woods,
we passed a bunch of kids playing and then a couple of hundred yards up the hill, two blokes on bicycles came tearing down at full pelt.

"Slow down!" I yelled, "there's kids playing just round the next corner!"
One of the cyclists shouted at me over his shoulder: "How do you know? You a paedophile or something?"

And with a final "Fucking NONCE!" he was gone.

Are paedophiles supposed to be telepathic/X-ray sighted now? I don't read the Sun so wouldn't know.
( fred zeppelin II: Electric Boogaloo, Sat 14 Dec 2013, 13:35, 7 replies)

Binmen
When I was but a young Bearcat I wanted to be a Binman (refuse collector to those across the pond).

I reasoned that they only worked one day a week leaving me plenty of time to do more fun things.
(Bearcat, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 13:01, 5 replies)

Plagarism
I went to a Motorhead gig and someone shouted "sexist crap."

They thought it was a request.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 10:58, 1 reply)

This wins everything and is way better than everything on here:
www.milmillington.com/
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sun 15 Dec 2013, 16:51, 17 replies)

Feeling Deflated: A pea from 2010
This story comes courtesy of a friend of mine, B, and his neighbour, J. J is none too bright, and B has been known to exploit this.

One day, J's car had a puncture, and he knocked on B's door to ask for help fixing it. B took a look, jacked up the car, removed the wheel, rotated it by 180^o, and bolted it back on.
"You see," he explained to J, "the flat bit of the tyre was at the bottom where the tyre touches the road. It's now at the top, where it doesn't touch anything, so you won't have to worry about it any more."

J thanked him.

But he was back the following day to ask for help again. Apparently the puncture had slid back to the bottom of the wheel overnight.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 12:33, 9 replies)

I once wrote a tale for the Stupid Colleagues QOTW as I felt an ex colleague's belief all gay people were paedophiles was relevant.
Here

I got a lovely response from a gay couple calling me a whiney liberal shite, trying to be his fag hag.
( Peej, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 12:11, 17 replies)

Actually, you've got a point
"Look," I said to my daughter, "See that bright star moving up there? That's the Space Station".

"How can it be a station if it's moving?"

".....erm...."
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 9:06, 10 replies)

Better health for all
Very young sprog of a daughter standing at the sink cleaning her teeth. She pulls the brush out of her mouth, wand waves it at me and opines hydrophobically: "You know Da', if all the world's food were toothpaste, we wouldn't need dentists." ... Who was I to argue?
(shamblinthru Grasshopper! Next time use the potholders!, Thu 12 Dec 2013, 23:55, 2 replies)

You can never win…
I was having a heated discussion with my wife the other day (for info she’s a lecturer in sociology and the sexes).

We were discussing a recent study which purportedly claimed that men with light or fair pubic hair generally had larger penises, particularly the tips. This was explicitly true for Australasian, Caucasian men.

I of course thought this was utter bullshit and that she was perhaps having a dig at my own manhood, me not being blonde in the slightest.

Anyway she pulled up the report, which was actually published in the British Medical Society’s November newsletter.

Much to my shame, I had to admit that indeed I was wrong and that I was clearly no Schlong Fair Helm.
(Deskbound You insignificant speck of dust, Thu 12 Dec 2013, 15:00, 16 replies)

My father was timid, torpid, and fond of radical politics
Plus, he worked in the government.

One day, he was attending a radical meeting, and the secretary got sick. He was pressed to take minutes. Convinced that this ill-advised activism meant he must now be on the government's watch list, he warned all us kids to report any mysterious vehicles, strange people, hang-up calls, and anything else that might signify surveillance.

Early one day, and for the first time, my mom decided to make Sun Tea. She placed an enormous jug of water and tea bags on the front porch in order to bake in the sun, and headed off to work. My father saw the jug and concluded it must be an enormous Molotov Cocktail.

What would you do if you saw an enormous Molotov Cocktail sitting just outside your front door? Call the fire department, maybe? Alert your family and neighbors? Being both timid and torpid, my dad simply avoided the front porch, used only the back door that day, and anxiously hoped for the best.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 1:33, 13 replies)

As I mentioned before, my mum is a very paranoid schizophrenic
which means her whole life is a mass of bizarre leaps of logic. Wake up with a slightly runny nose? That'll be the neighbours pumping poison through the walls.

Anyway.

She started to become convinced that my daughter had been physically abused by her child minder.

Her logic went like this.

One afternoon while on a visit to my mum I mildly rebuked my young daughter over something minor and my daughter replied "If I do it again you'll put me in the dustbin".

Bizarre leap of logic 1
This wasn't one of those odd things that kids say, but the result of her being disciplined by being put in a bin.


BLOL 2
It must have been the child minder


BLOL 3
And the parents must have known about I, because the little girl is talking about it.


BLOL4
The parents must have been in on it, and continue the abuse to this day.


So when a couple of weeks later I bump into my mum she starts screaming "GET THIS MAN AWAY FROM ME....HE'S AN ABUSER....I'M CALLING THE POLICE..." etc etc. on a Saturday afternoon, in my local Waitrose.

lols

.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sun 15 Dec 2013, 12:20, 32 replies)

???????
in West philadelphia born and raised
on the playground is where i spent most of my days
chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
and all shootin' some b-ball outside of the school
when a couple of guys who were up to no good
started makin' trouble in my neighborhood
i got in one little fight and my mom got scared
and said you're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
(m0ngychops, Sat 14 Dec 2013, 10:34, 2 replies)

I went through a divorce, recently, and, while we were separated and waiting for the divorce, my ex turned up at my door. I had a friend round, who happened to be a lesbian. I was considering being flatmates with her. My ex started yelling "The kids will NOT stay with you if that happens, I don't want them in that kind of environment", she said. Then, she said "You know, lesbians are only friends with you because they have body clocks too, you know. They want you to get them pregnant".

I stood still for a few moments, just trying to process this information. I still can't work it out, to be honest.
(V3lvetPresley, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 21:57, 5 replies)

Good boyfriend.
A friend was once dating two women at the same time, living in separate cities.

"I'm a good boyfriend to Jane," he said, "But I'm a bad boyfriend to Sarah."

I mulled.

"Don't you think the fact that you're any kind of boyfriend to Sarah, even a bad one, means you are not such a good boyfriend to Jane?"

He stared at me. I could see the wheels turning in his head, then burst out laughing. He had the two relationships so separate in his head that he had never made the connection until that moment.
(TommyShanks, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 17:53, 2 replies)

Sudden Blindness
My brother once told me a story about his mates mum, once upon a time she was painting in her house at night when there was a power cut.

The next thing my brother heard was: “Eeeurgh I’ve gone blind”

Apparently she thought that the paint fumes had made her go blind.

That is all.
(superkitty is neither super nor a kitty, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 12:18, 1 reply)

OCD (not being "overly tidy" as some people think)
When we met, she seemed like a demure, if a little shy, beautiful English Rose.

I moved in with her after dating for a few months, and things were going well.

Then the crazy started.

She started spending longer and longer getting ready to go out, or would be reluctant to make decisions about relatively minor events - picking up several jars of curry in the supermarket before choosing the "right" one - various other slightly offish behaviours which were rather minor to begin with and of no great note - until the breakdowns started. It got to the point where she would spend 3-4 hours in the bathroom washing her hands with detergent, and eventually bleach, because if she didn't, "bad things would happen". She would also be unable to open certain doors, have to move certain objects in the house, having to use crudely-fashioned litter pickers to pick things up.

She did eventually confess as to what was going on, that she felt certain "forces" were at work against her, and if she didn't obey the "rules" there would be consequences.

In retrospect I should have been fucking terrified, but she had done a rather good job of hiding these symptoms (that apparently she'd had from a young age) and by that point I was too emotionally invested to leave, so did my best to support her (for years) until the behaviour became too erratic.

The last straw was when she'd taken out one of those ridiculous 1000%apr payday loans of several hundred pounds that she had no hope of paying back (she had been unemployed for 3 years) to buy a fucktonne of meat for a barbeque for all her friends - two of whom showed up looking very embarassed and sheepish - I had to spend the remaineder of my student loan to pay off the debt, causing problems as I couldn't pay the rent on my halls. This was the same week I had to miss an exam at uni to take her to a job centre appointment, as she had missed the bus and was over an hour late. She ended up losing her job seeker's benefit. Oh and she was boffing a lad from her college. And she bought a wolf and refused to train it. A fucking wolf. Yep.

TL;DR Crazy girl believes she has magic powers, fucking muppet doesn't escape fast enough. Also the wolf was a cunt.
(brutal stack Raided the beeves of Apollo on, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 10:58, 23 replies)

When English and Logic Don't Mix
If you ever find yourself teaching English in the backwaters of China, talking to someone with Chinese state education level English, avoid questions with negatives. You'll only get to a point where you have to start again

"Mr Christ, will you please come with me, the Principal wants to see you"

"I'm not in trouble am I?"

"Yes"

(i.e. 'Yes, you are correct, you're not in trouble' - which, upon analysis, is a entirely logical response and I was wrong to spend seven minutes witless with the idea of being sacked and abandoned in remote China with neither the language skills nor the contacts to get myself & Mrs Christ back to a country that has mattresses and broadly consensual traffic rules.)

........................................
(J H Christ began in Afrika ka ka ka ka, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 0:53, 3 replies)

Women are weird
Wife - the showerhead was moved to a different place.
Me - Oh right. Might have been me, I don't remember.
Wife - ARE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR?
Me - ... No.
(McChinaman banned, Thu 12 Dec 2013, 21:24, 16 replies)

s0ckpuppet 4 eva in r hearts
I just don't know what to do with myself
Don't know just what to do with myself
I'm so used to doing everything with you
Planning everything for two
And now that your banned

I just don't know what to do with my time
I'm so lonesome for you it's a crime
Going to the front page only makes me sad
Trolling make me feel as bad
When I'm not with you
I just don't know what to do

Like a b3tan party
It needs the pun and the stains
Oh, I need your sweet love
To beat all the piss

I just don't know what to do with myself
I just don't know what to do with myself
Rob, if your new site ever turns you down
Come back, I will be around
Just waiting for you
I don't know what else to do

Like a b3tan party
It needs the pun and the stains
Oh, I need your sweet love
To beat all the piss

I don't know just what to do with myself
I don't know just what to do with myself
Rob, if 4chan ever turns you down
Come on back, I will be around
Just waiting for you
I don't know what else to do, no, no, no
I don't know what else to do
I'm still so crazy for you, no, no, no, no
I don't know what else to do, no, no, no
I'm still so crazy for you


Lol - I said crazy.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 12 Dec 2013, 19:11, 9 replies)

A woman walks into a bar
and asks the barman for a non sequitur. So the horse explodes.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 12 Dec 2013, 18:45, 4 replies)

After getting increasingly frustrated at the clumsiness of the text-based parsing of The Hobbit computer game in 1986
I typed in FUCK GANDALF into the text box and it pondered for a second, then replied 'You travel North... around you are the misty mountains, exits are Down, East, West and South'.

I mean how could I have stated my actions any more obviously? Or is 'Go North' also a euphimism for the imperative command to fuck Gandalf?
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 12 Dec 2013, 17:17, Reply)

The mrs said to a waitess, 'You're a pro'
as a compliment, meaning that she was good at her job.
The manager stormed up and told us to get the fuck out, nobody calls his staff prostitutes.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 12 Dec 2013, 14:59, Reply)

anal sex...
a few years ago I used to work with another vet whose pedantry and quibbling were way beyond anything I could muster. One of the most bizarre of his twattering annoyances was brought home to me when an elderly client complained to me that "That other vet said some very rude things in front of me and I was very shocked". "tell me more" I say.

It transpired that she thought he had been talking about "anal sex". Aha! thinks I. got it!

well... you're all familiar with "anal glands" in dogs aren't you?
If you're not then let me tell you about those lovely little bits of joy that sit close to the anal sphincter and secrete a pungent material over the turd as it leaves the dog's arse. Its a mechanical process and if the turd aint firm enough then the material can build up and require manual expression. This happens cost they get a bit full and cause irritation and then the dog wipes its arse on the floor and other such things. I hate expressing the glands and have devoted vast amounts of time to educating owners in how to empty the glands themselves and how to prevent the problem in the first place.

Strictly speaking they are not "anal glands" but are actually "anal sacs lined with glandular epithelium". Hence if you continually call them anal sacs, eventually some old person may mishear you and think you are talking about "anal sex". I just call them anal glands because it really doesnt matter if you call them glands or sacs as long as the client understands what you are talking about.

Cat owners: you are not immune - unlike dogs, cats can "fire" their glands at will... musculature at the base of the penis makes this possible.

length - about half your index finger in the hole and I'll do a youtube clip if you like.... (finger in method is way better than the finger out method...)
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 23:01, 5 replies)

Never will understand this one.
"Labour are doing a shite job of running the country. The Tories are the other big party, so they must be able to do a better job. Let's vote them in instead."

Please send your answers to Spot the Logic Competition, PO Box 142, Basingstoke.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 12:01, 34 replies)

Christianity
God creates everything, including us. For some reason he sends down His only begotten son to live with us. We listen to what the only begotten son has to say, then torture him to death. For some reason, this means that we are saved from sin.

I have asked a few Christian friends whether God would have preferred us not to crucify Jesus, but haven't had a straight reply yet.
(ubergeekian, Mon 16 Dec 2013, 17:38, 31 replies)