I was rude to my hero!!!!
I am a mad passionate Saints (Southampton FC) fan, to the extent of going to their away reserve games too.

Last year, they were playing away to Fulham, i think it was in Aldershot, and sadly Saints were getting hammered 7-2... but none of this mattered, our hero Francis Benali was playing. This man has been with the club all of his career, the red and white stripes run through his blood and he is loved by every saints fan.

So... as the players were leaving the pitch, a couple of my mates said "come on, lets see if we can get out picture taken with 'franny'"... game for a laugh, we went over to where the players were coming off, then at the right moment i went over and said "Franny....Franny, can we get our picture taken?"
Franny looked mightly pissed off having just lost 7-2, but being the good sport he is said "ok lads..."
"GREAT!" i chirped up... then it happened, the little devil on my sholder took over, i passed him the camera and said "All you gotta do is press this button!" then stood back with a big grin on my face!... Franny was not best pleased, practically threw the camera back at me and said "IM NOT TAKING YOUR FUCKING PHOTO" and stormed off down the tunnel...

I turned around pissing myself laughing to see the looks on my fellow saints fans faces were of absolute horror, "WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU JUST DO????"....

..... i still laughed all the way home....
( timothy claypole, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 23:08, Reply)

Professor Kevin "Captian Cyborg" Warwick
I got into a bit of an argument with the afformentioned dog-tracker-chip-injecting AI specialist at one of his book signings. He'd just written a book about how, if AI became suitably advanced, the machines would rise up and enslave humanity, just like they've done in bad science fiction for years. He spoke a bit about the book, and about his research projects (he had a few robot buggies with him, scuttling round a ring).

I never bought the book. I didn't get anything signed by him. I did however, when he asked if there were any questions, ask if he felt that AI researchers should have a moral responsibility to not to create super-robots which would enslave humanity, citing Asimov's 3 Laws, Robocop's Directives and the Ten Commandments in the process. After blustering a bit about the impracticallities of telling an AI Cruise Missile "Thou Shalt Not Kill", his final considered response was to call me "sad" and imply that he'd shagged my mum. Cranberry. I'm hoping he's first against the wall, come the robot revolution. Preferably during the Christmas Lectures.

Also at a book signing, I apologised to Michael Palin for being too poor a student to afford his book. He signed the bit of paper I provided as an alternative "Piss off. Yours sincerely, Michael Palin". But in a nice way.
(wingnutkj, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 22:39, Reply)

Giving Take That a bollocking!
I was working in The Gloucester Hotel (quite a few) years back. We were the official hotel for Wimbeldon and the place was swarming with tennis stars, fans, agents. The air conditioning broke down, and Take That arrived along with a zillion screaming girls. Sounds fun until you're charged with keeping the place orderly.
Being a nob I had no idea who Take That were until I caught them red handed playing football in an empty ballroom having just scored a goal and broken a few ashtrays. I thought they were stupid kids and started telling them off, demanding to know their room numbers and if their parents new what they were up to....
Doh!
I charged them for the dammage... and they paid.
(McGeorge, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 21:59, Reply)

Upper Street, Islington, Two Years Ago...
I was striding purposefully towards the sandwich shop, head down to avoid eye-contact with the hordes of clipboard wielding charity fascists, when I accidentally barged into a small, garishly clothed lady and sent her flying. I turned to apologise, but upon noticing the lady was Sue Pollard I about faced and scuttled off in search of my dinner.
(MyName, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 21:33, Reply)

Last Weekend....
I was at my local club in Morecambe on Sunday night, as we had a scooter weekend here. There was a fairly famous ska band from the eighties on on sunday night.

When the band came on we all started shouting "YOU FAT BASTARD! YOU FAT BASTARD! YOU FAT BASTARD!" at the singer.

Well - it *was* Buster Bloodvessel and his band Bad Manners after all.

Apparently this happens a lot, as Buster replies -

"Well, yes, I *am* fat - but I'll tell you what? I'm gettin' fattahhhhhhh!"

Top band - top gig!
(odysseysounds.com, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 21:31, Reply)

Phil Kay
At T in the Park a few years ago, my brother noticed Scottish comedian Phil Kay (who was the presenter for the TV coverage) standing around chatting to some people. He decided to say hello to him by running over and jumping on his back. Phil told him to fuck off.
(s. shoe, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 21:23, Reply)

Gary Barlow
My sister saw Gary Barlow (it was quite recent so he was a fat ginger twat at the time), at a theme park and, for a laugh, asked to have a picture with him. Sarcastically and walking away without even looking at her said "Err I don't think so love!" To which my sister shouted "Fuck off then! I bet Robbie Williams wouldn't say no!"
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 20:55, Reply)

Anne Widdecombe and my fingers.
I was on one of those god awful politics student lecture days in London, and Anne Widdecombe had just finished making the previous 40 minutes the most boring of my life, so as we broke for lunch I was walking outside with a friend. He waved his hand, I waved my middle digit which (along with the rest of my body) had almost achieved rigor mortis from the length and facism contained in her talk.
(Dinsdale v Spiny Norman, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 20:55, Reply)

Not quite, but
artsy playwright, author, expressionist and thespian Steven Berkoff was swanning about Tate Modern one afternoon, so my friend rushed up to him and asked "Aren't you the baddie out of Beverley Hills Cop?". His reply was a resounding "Fuck off."
( Neth, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 20:51, Reply)

Lady Di(ed)
Stuck my fingers up at the queen of tarts when I was a kid. She was passing in a limo...... errr that's it
(buggerlugs fold staple mutilate, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 20:22, Reply)

Another Johnny Ball story...
That reminds me, about 12 years ago Johnny Ball and a camera crew were filming something at our school,and part of the insert they were filming involved the camera crews taping all the school buses (about 12 of them in total)leaving school at the end of the day. Cue every single child on every single bus raising a single digit towards the camera.
I dont beleive the footage was ever used.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 15 Apr 2004, 19:39, Reply)

Not me, but while I'm at it...
Anne and Nancy Wilson of Heart were at a party in Syracuse NY after a concert. This was the late 80s, when Anne first started to really gain the weight and was about 200 lbs or so, and one of the local radio DJs was talking to some friends about it and commented that Dreamboat Annie was now Tugboat Annie. He no sooner finished saying it than he got a slap across the back of his head, hard. He turned around to find Anne Wilson glaring like hell at him from a distance of two feet.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 15 Apr 2004, 19:35, Reply)

he he he
when I was a young lad, we were given the chance to see the current priminister, John Major, and while he was there, about to start talking to us, we exclaimed "NAH! THATS BORING!" and ran off! mwah
(Rhythm pants, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 19:33, Reply)

David Essex
visited my school back in the days when i was 15. After he had been shown around we all sat around in the library whilst he bored us to tears with the story of his career. Afterwards we was invited to get his autograph. I approached him and offered him a scrap of paper and a pen. "Can you make it to 'Joan'. Thats my nan. She loves you." i grinned. I can now boast that i have actually seen the smugness drain from a mans face!!!!


I also went back a few minutes later to ask for one for my mum...
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 19:31, Reply)

Do authors count?
I once got into a true flame war with Larry Niven, the sci-fi author. Basically, he said in one of his books that there was this idea for a story that someone had suggested that he had been unable to turn into a story, and I wrote to tell him that I had spun a story out of it. I sent him the file and added that this was really just a first draft, and he got very rude and told me that he would delete it unread. I asked why and he essentially said that he was not going to finish it for me, that he had asked for it only because I had the nerve to claim that I had succeeded where he had failed. I replied that I had never asked him to, and that he was an arrogant little man. And it went on from there.

Yes, I was extremely unpleasant to The Great Author, but I would say it was thoroughly justified. He's a self-important little crap weasel.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 15 Apr 2004, 19:26, Reply)

Jamie Oliver
Is a cunt. He went to my school, and he's a twat.
(NPC, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 19:20, Reply)

Jeremy "spack hand" Beadle...
I once worked part time on a stall on Stockport market (Nr Manchester) and witnessed a guy yelling at one of his kids & shaking him by the shoulder quite roughly - must have been whinging for an ice cream or something...

I shouted over for him to "Quit it or else..." as customers were getting annoyed with the commotion, and as the guy gave me an evil stare I realised it was old spack hand!!

After about 10 seconds of the "Do you know who I am?" stare, he ducked his head down, turned 180 degrees and herded the gob-smacked family away at high speed - with the kid giving me a big grin over his shoulder as they went.

Result!!
( the bonzo dog , down on Jollity Farm on, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 19:11, Reply)

Jon 'I did the 11o'clock show after ian lee but now i write for dead ringers' holmes
attended a conference that i went to a few years back. I got drunk and decided to use the video camera that had inexplicably appeared in my hand to film him taking a piss. he didn't like that.
( rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 18:54, Reply)

Dr. Alan Milburn, MP
I worked as a nurse in a hospital that was involved in accepting casualty's from a rather nasty incident that hit national and international news a few years ago. Anyway, as you can all imagine it was all a bit shit, so to cheer us up the then Sec. of State for Health came round to say thankyou.

As he stood in the unit saying what a great job we had done and how great the service was for which we work, I felt the anger start to bubble and seethe. Just as he said "I wish I could have been their to help..." I blurted "No, it's OK, We have a host of arseholes working here already...".

I left 2 weeks later.
( Beejay Proper old bastard, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 18:42, Reply)

Jimmy F***ing Cricket
During me student days I paid for my beer by working in a posh 4* hotel banqueting suite. We had many famous people come through, and some not so, to do after dinner speaking and the like.

Anyway, one night the after dinner speaker was Jimmy Cricket - no idea if anyone remembers him - wore wellies with a big 'L' and 'R' on them, and his general act was 'Irish people - aren't we all stupid?' - Standard stuff for that period (late eighties/early nineties). Having grown up in Northern Ireland and then moving across the water to go to Uni in the South of England, I was roundly fed up of the whole 'daft Irish' jape anyway, so had prepared a short statement. The actual encounter went as follows:

J-F***ing-C: Can you tell me where the toilets are?

me: Fuck you, you make money promulgating comfortable stereotypes to drunk English asswits.

J-F***ing-C: Fuck you! I arrived in a ferrari and will leave several hundred quid richer!

Me: Fuck you, anyway!

Not the best exchange, but I felt I had made my point.

Raist
(raist_online, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 18:30, Reply)

I was once mildly isolent towards Craig Charles
A looooong while ago, the company I work for did some computer graphics for BBC Manchester's TV programme "Cyberzone" (not that anyone's ever heard of it, though). It was fronted by Craig Charles, and I had met him briefly during the pilot episode.

When we went to shoot the series, during a lull he came over to me and said "Hmm, you seem familiar, have I seen you before?"

I replied that I had worked on the pilot, and that he, too seemed somehow familiar and had I seen him somewhere before?

Lost for words, he had no choice but to slap me playfully round the face, Eric'n'Ernie style.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 18:03, Reply)

Stop Frightening Me
Couple of us caught Charlie Chuck (aka Uncle Peter of Vic 'n' Bob fame) at the local YMCA years ago - couldn't resist hurling his own catchphrases back at him ("cakey pig", "woof bark donkey", etc).

It was this which garnered the retort, "don't stand too close to the fire son, you might get burnt".

You could of heard a pin drop.

W/Y/H to the ChuckMeister's ability to put up with heckling twunts though.
( badg3r :: what are you insinuating, you equity ponce? last considered changing his board sig on, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 18:00, Reply)

not me personally
but it's worth retelling. a friend of mine was at some expo in the birmingham NEC, around the era of windows98. attending this convention was a mr. william gates. my friend was removed with expedience for throwing a windows CD at his head and calling him a cunt in a very loud voice. marvellous.
( Dano, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 17:56, Reply)

Can u spell tutu too?
My wife is Norwegian and was working at a semi-posh hotel in Oslo in the early mid '80's. In walks in a large group of people. One walks up and announces his name, Desmond Tutu (in town to receive the Nobel Peace prize). My wife, who never reads the paper, and didn't know who he was, asks politely, like she would of any guest "Can you spell that please?" The rest of his entourage thought this to be insulting and outrageous, but the man himself, responded politely.

Not really insulting, but funny, in a way.
(nordicapollo, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 17:55, Reply)

i once
sat behind Jimmy Sommerville on a plane and someone behind me lobbed one of those little plastic milk carton things at him and shouted "FAGGOT!".
He thought it was me but it wasn't.
but i guess thats almost the same as being rude myself as Jimmy gave me an icy gay stare in return.
( biscuits_alive taste my rainbow, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 17:54, Reply)

As an additional thought. . .
My mate Telfer once poured a drink over basketball-headed-songstress Sophie Ellis Bextor in a bar in London.

And as an additional additional thought, one of my colleagues (I work for a sex shop) is being knobbed by a rather famous porn star who's chopper is supposedly 12". I and my colleagues informed said porn star upon meeting him that we'd been studying the photos, and his whanger was no-where near 12".

Does that count?
(Highlander, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 17:41, Reply)

Fred Phelp's wife
I don't know if I'd call Fred Phelps a celebrity, but he's rather infamous, at least over here. Fred Phelps is the man behind godhatesfags.com . He's the head of a large anti-gay group. He's the one who protested at Matthew Shepard's funeral.

Anyway. I wasn't rude to him, but I was rude to his wife via flame war. I really, really wish I'd saved the emails, as they were absolutely hilarious. I was fifteen, at least I had an excuse for being rude, but what's hers? So really, I've both insulted and been insulted by a famous person.
(fantastic german, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 17:33, Reply)

Jim Belushi
I once met Jim Belushi in Ottawa Canada. He was performing with Dan Aykroyd as The Blues Brothers. I was at a party in a hotel afterwards, and Belushi (staying in the same hotel) came to our party. He was acting like Mr. Celebrity. I drunkenly walked up to him and said "I've always wanted to ask you a question." He answered "to wait this long it had better be a fuckin' good question." I asked what he thought of the movie "Wired." Michael Chiklis portrays Jim's deceased brother John in a very negative light. Jim did an about-face and left for his room, but not before snagging two high school girls to join him for some fun.
(TheShaman, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 17:26, Reply)

After the Melbourne Test match in the last ashes
series I had been drinking heavily all throughout the 4th day. Late into the night England player Michael Vaughan was spotted in the pub. As Vaughan is a celebrity Sheffield Wednesday fan and therefore sworn enemy of Sheffield United fans I decided to go and have a chat.

I walked up to him and politly asked if he could do me a favour. Sure he says probably expecting me to ask for an autograph. I took my jumper off to reveal a Sheffield United Shirt got hold of the badge and told him to 'kiss this you Wednesday bastard'.

On reflection it was probably a bit harsh on Englands premier batsman, but he took it extremly well and I was very very drunk.
(GreasyChipButty, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 17:20, Reply)

Michael Stipe
I went to see REM at the NEC about 1987.
In the seat in front of me was a chap who was so the worse for drink he managed to sleep through the whole thing. He did wake up briefly while Michael Stipe was talking about how we should all boycott Exxon to a hushed arena. He shouted out 'PLAY SOME MUSIC!' and was told by a furious Stipe that he could go home if he didn't like it. Unphased, our hero then nodded off again. He did wake a second time, pulled a spliff out of his pocket, took a drag, turned round, passed it to me and went back to sleep. What a star!
(druidus, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 17:14, Reply)