When I was three, I walked into my parents bedroom, just mere seconds after they'd finished fucking.
9 months later, to the day, my little sister was born.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 21 Jan 2012, 13:03, 9 replies)

I had seen a programme about geology.
It examined how coal, under huge pressure and temperature, is changed in to diamonds.

Que me, at the neighbours door, with a piece of coal in a flower press, asking if I might borrow the use of her oven for a couple of days. I thought I was being considerate, not using our own oven, knowing how much my mum loved cooking! After all, the diamond was supposed to be a present for her as well.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Sat 21 Jan 2012, 12:11, 4 replies)

"Pick your own Strawberries!"
I used to think the signs saying "Pick Your Own Strawberries" were put up by angry farmers who'd had their Strawberries nicked.
( advocoates Emotional Northern Boy, Sat 21 Jan 2012, 11:57, 3 replies)

Rutherford's got nothing on me
When I was but a youngster, probably about 8 or so, I was an inquisitive lad. I asked questions about how the world worked, and my parents would answer them. I forget what caused it to come up, but one of them mentions that Rutherford was the first person to split the atom.

Atoms! Even I, a small child, knew that everything in the world was made up of atoms. And now they can be split! So I went into the kitchen, put a Mars bar on the worktop, and then hacked at it full force with a knife, on the grounds that "There are millions of atoms in here, I'm bound to get at least one of them right down the middle"

Sadly for the world's energy needs, nuclear physics did not take a great step forward in suburban Glasgow that day.
(Dr Death's Malpractice Suit, Sat 21 Jan 2012, 9:37, 3 replies)

I believed Tomorrow's World....
....I'm still waiting for the waiter robots and flying cars.

No, stuff that, I'm still waiting for the computers that actually work.
(dchurch bah, Sat 21 Jan 2012, 9:34, 2 replies)

Ancient Italian Beverages
"Muuuuuu-uuuuummm whats a Roman coke?"

"I don't know darling, where did you hear that?"

"in a song"

"oh right"

Manic Street Preachers - The Day We Caught The Train "RUM and Coke"
( Mister B is eating an icanhazcheezburger with lmaonaise, Sat 21 Jan 2012, 5:28, 8 replies)

Until about the age of nine, I believed that when something expanded it gained mass.
Crazy times.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 21 Jan 2012, 5:13, 2 replies)

The world of the future would be full up,
jam packed and sardine style with good things, loveliness and all round happy-making stuff. Diseases conquered , poverty fixed up and wars a thing of the past...

Now usually, the QOTW would disarm any such idiot notion but his one...well, it's actually rather sweet and refreshing. I suppose it's too good to last but I'm gonna sit and bathe in its happy ill-informed glow until it breaks.

And even you, you pointless tourette's response twats - you can't kill my nostalgia.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Sat 21 Jan 2012, 1:51, 7 replies)

The Lanes Monster
I would never have been so gullible to believe such a thing when I was a kid, *ahem* but mini-me did.
I grew up on The Wirral and lived across the other side of it to my parents. Being as they were always helping out, looking after him and generally keeping us fed and warm we were always back and forth. Quite often coming home in the dark.
There were a number of main road options to drive back on, or, roughly a 3-mile stretch of mostly single lane country road we called ‘The Lanes’. It was twisty and turny and empty and dark.
He must have been about 5-6 when the Lanes monster used to strike.
If I was on my own, or with my boyfriend we would mention we are going home ‘THAT WAY’…and look menacingly over our shoulder, greeted by a look of sheer panic/delight on the little ones face.

‘Oh god, I hope THIS time the lanes monster doesn’t get us!’

It didn’t always, it just depended on if it was hungry or not.

At a very dark point we would either stamp our feet or smack the door and scream ‘OH NOOOOOOOO ITS GOT US IT’S GOT US’. as the monster attached itself to the bottom of the car…and wasn’t going to let go…
The general panic (stifled giggles) would last the rest of the 10-minute journey, mini-me doing that clenchy fist straight arms thing that kids to when they are terrified.

Finally we would pull into our road, we lived right at the end of a small cul-de-sac, on turning the corner it would be ‘Oh my god, get ready to jump out the car and run through the gate so IT CANT GET YOU' we would screech to a halt (pretty slowly if I’m honest but to him it felt like Starsky and Hutch) and he would flap around trying to undo his seat belt almost hyperventilating, while screaming and laughing, throw open the door and fling himself across the pavement and through the gate…we had to do the same, before scooping him up in a panic and trying to get the key in the door in time BEFORE IT GETS US.
Only safe after the door was finally closed.

I asked mini-me if he remembered this earlier…he looked at me in total disgust and said ‘Yes. Of course I do’ Nothing like giving your kids memories ey?
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Sat 21 Jan 2012, 1:48, Reply)

I thought my Uncle had my nose.

( Pig Bodine., Sat 21 Jan 2012, 1:41, 1 reply)

On questioning how Santa got into the house (since we didn't have a chimney)
I was simply told by my Mum 'He has a key'

Which kinda ruins the magic a bit.

meh.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 21 Jan 2012, 1:24, Reply)

helicockters
My daughter thought that helicopter was spelled and pronounced helicockter. When we finally disabuse her of the notion she was about 13. She didn't believe us until I showed it to her in a book.

Also took her till she was about 11 to realised banana wasn't balana.

Bless her!
(teasus likes tea, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 23:51, 10 replies)

One Sunday..
us kids were told we'd be going to Covent Garden with the parents. I was about 6 and imagined flowerbeds and lawns and fountains and bandstands.
( Grindstaff, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 23:08, Reply)

We used to go fishing for fish fingers
And, somehow, I always caught some. I'd stick my fishing net in the water, and after a while my dad would say "You've caught one", I'd pull up the net and he'd quickly plunge his hand into the net, take out something and put it in his pocket. We'd do thi a few times, then stop.

Later, when we were home, my dad would go to his coat and take several fish fingers out of his pocket, which we'd then cook and eat.

Took me years to work it out...
(Sciuridae with Paridae How long has it been since I last posted?, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 22:13, 6 replies)

A mix of this and last weeks
In first year we convinced Gavvy that when you hit puberty your bell end crispened up and fell off. To increase the veracity of this a few guys claimed theirs hadn't, and others mocked them gently. All the while Gavvy looked bemused, worried and fearful.

We would occassionally bring it up in conversation, but it was a slow burner.
However the pay off came when Gavvy bounded in and told us, in his most hushed and proud voice, that his jed head had indeed fallen off last night and he was now a man.

Such was earnestness and pride at this supposed development that we didn't spring the trap and simply patted him on the back in a manly fashion.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 21:40, Reply)

Exterminate
Many many years ago my parents took me on a visit to the Doctor who exhibition at Blackpool. After queueing for an age (this was popular in the 70s), we got through the door and we were confronted by a Dalek stating that "smokers will be exterminated". I was most distressed by this and refused to let my mother pass that point in the exhibition. I was unable to be talked round the assertion, and no way was I having my chain smoking mother exterminated by alien filth, so that was the end of that. The rest of the day was chips and the annual crawl through the illuminations - how northern is that.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 21:36, 2 replies)

Bell Rope
We lived in a semi-rural area as a kid, and sometimes animals would get loose. One day, when I was about three years old, I peeked around a corner and observed a White Horse grazing behind my house. I fancied that its lush tail was a bell rope and that I'd hear a clang if I yanked on it. So I sneaked up behind the horse and yanked.

I got a swift kick in the abdomen and was hurled violently. If I had weighed more and hadn't flown I probably would have been killed by the punch.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 21:01, Reply)

That if you needed to know something or were lost,
to ask a policeman and also that policemen could be trusted.

Ah, the sweet innocence of youth.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 20:45, 3 replies)

The missus believed that Ray Liotta
was actually Ray the Otter.

She was 19 when I showed her Goodfellas, until then she just thought he was a stunt animal or trained to do things for kids films.
(Irregular Joe last touched ham on, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 20:39, Reply)

Someone we know asked his mum for tampons after he saw them on TV.
Upon enquiry, he said it was because they said they "keep you safe at night" and he was afraid of being eaten by monsters.
(Irregular Joe last touched ham on, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 20:38, 3 replies)

dukes of hazzard
i always thought dukes of hazzard was about people in a stately home, once i did get round to watching it (about 12 years old at the time) i thought it was the greatest thing ever and should be winning oscars every year. the recent film was crap though.
( nikdude, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 20:09, 2 replies)

I used to assume that I wouldn't want to watch The Dukes Of Hazzard
because the subject matter was all in the title, it was as if it was called 'The Kings of Peril'- so naturally the subject matter would be about people with dangerous jobs.

Duh...
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 20 Jan 2012, 19:50, Reply)

I used to think Protestants and Prostitutes were the same thing when I was a kid. That got corrected very quickly once my parents found out.
(Anne Packrat Staunch Heliocentrist, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 19:24, 4 replies)

General Synod
I used to believe that the General Synod was a military man tasked with overseeing The Church. Only worked that one out in my early 20's. I was also extraordinarily confused by Fingerbobs (at a much younger age) - I knew they were finger puppets, but my mind simply couldn't straighten out how the puppeteer's arms could reach all the way to the seaside with the prawn puppets when I'd just seen him in the studio with the mice.
(Mooma, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 19:10, Reply)

dent-rectal exam
My wife's older sister came up with the absolutely brilliant lie that everyone has one tooth that appears in your bum at age 6, and that if you didn't brush it properly, would have to get pulled by a dentist. My wife, age 4 or 5, was petrified for years, waiting and watching for it in a mirror, so that she could begin brushing it and avoid the butt-dentist.
(flatulent-elm, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 19:06, 1 reply)

I used to believe that if you worked hard and played by the rules
...you would be happy and successful.

Now I'm older I know you simply have to be a cunt, a Freemason, or more frequently, both.
(Billy The Fish wants to gargle with Lucy Pinder's bath water, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 18:54, 6 replies)

Cats Eyes prevent Communist invasion.
(PeaRoast! my first...)

On car trips my parents would tell me:

If you accidentally drove over more than 4 catseyes in a row they would explode. This was a very clever scheme invented to prevent Russian tanks from invading as tanks were longer than 4 catseyes but cars were shorter. I was already in total fear of the Red Menace at the age of 7, and this totally believable logic just heightened my paranoia. My dad would take great delight in hitting three catseyes and then narrowly avoiding the fourth while I screamed myself into a catatonic state in the back seat.

.
( gp_guineapig, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 18:46, 1 reply)

Until I was about 25
I thought that Siobhan was pronounced Si-Oh-Ban. I also thought that Siobahn (pronounced the correct way) was an entirely different name.

Stupid bloody way of spelling it anyway.

I also believed that everyone who wasn't a copper as an adult had to spend time in prison.
(dchurch bah, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 18:36, 11 replies)

Overhearing terrible things...
(a possible pearoast)

One day when I was a little tiny protogeek, my Dad took me into work with him. I watched him balancing the wheels of a huge lorry ('cos lorries are awesome when you're a tiny kid, and they only get better when you grow up enough to drive them) and he explained how centrifugal force makes try to move away from the middle of a rotating thing. And how if you spin something too fast, bits will fly off completely which is why I had to sit in the van and watch from behind the laminated glass windscreen. And how if the Earth spun much slower, gravity would squish us flat but if it spun much faster it would be too weak to hold us down, like if you don't hold onto the roundabout properly. Great, an introduction to centrifugal force.

A day or two later, going into town on the bus with my Mum, there were two old ladies sitting on the seat in front, bemoaning the state of things (and to be fair in the mid-1970s they were in a pretty poor state).

"Oh aye, the world's jist goin' so fast these days..."

Gulp.

Well maybe if I hold onto the seat really tightly I can stay on until it slows down again, the bus is probably pretty heavy. Maybe when we get to the shops I can hold onto the shopping trolley because the shopping is always really heavy.

For days though I couldn't quite shake the belief that the Earth's rotation was spooling up like a turbine, and about to fling us all out into space...
(gordonjcp, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 18:12, Reply)

I used to think ....
... a cow was a young horse. Bugger knows where I got that from.
( Ramsay Tupper, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 16:58, Reply)