Cyclists in London, as everyone knows, are above the law.
Traffic lights mean nothing to them, nor zebra crossings, nor any road markings.

One today, however, zipped past me on the pavement. In central.

Theoretically, since they've declared themselves beyond the law by behaving in such a way, I should be allowed to kill them for this.

I'd like to complain about the fact that cyclists are not yet forced by law to wear clothes featuring enormous bullseye targets on them for those of us wanting to perfect our aim.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:01, 50 replies)

Tedious predictable cunt is tedious predictable cunt.

( Zuowan, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:06, closed)

I do believe I know the response to this one!
*Ahem!*

I know you are but what am I?!

Huzzah!

*runs about with t-shirt stretched over head*
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:10, closed)

Ha ha
Reminds me of when I was cycling along (not in London) and stopped at a pedestrian crossing. A BMW pulled up alongside, the window went down and the dick in the driver's seat started shouting "I'm sick of your lot doing X, Y and Z... etc."

'My lot' clearly being cyclists. As the lights turned to amber, I called to him:

"Don't worry mate, I'll bring it up at the next meeting and ask them to leave you alone." For a fleeting half second he looked satisfied, before scowling and roaring off.

The moral: some people are arrogant cunts, and some of these ride bikes. But not everyone on a bike is an arrogant cunt.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:11, closed)

I agree wholeheartedly.
I observe the red lights (ok, 90% of them - pedestrian crossings where the button presser has already gone, I normally ignore). Not all cyclists do.

This morning on Clapham Common, a stout looking lady walking with her child stepped out into my path (part of the road - doubt she'd treat an HGV with such disdain), before stepping back in and scowling and muttering something about "you lot". She was about 20 metres from a pedestrian crossing in either direction, which, had she felt the 20 metres was worth walking, would have been a better choice for everyone.

We can't win, you know.
(sabre-tooth monkey, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:18, closed)

Not if you ignore red lights - pedestrians or not - no.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:20, closed)

My nice legal alternative to stopping:
Slow slightly, hop off your bike(while moving)before the lights, and run along pushing your bike through the crossing, before hopping back on afterwards.
Obviously don't go running into people walking across - if people are crossing slow to a halt.

first you're a vehicle, then you're a pedestrian, then you're a vehicle again! you can pretend you are a more mundane transformer (adding sound effects if you like..)
(Frottage cheese, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 17:07, closed)

BMW Driver
= cunt?


yes
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:56, closed)

I took a stupendous amount of pleasure in berating a BMW driver this weekend
He was "parked" in an empty bay big enough for two cars cut out of the pavement:

           _________
          / BigWideBay \
-------                     ----------
ROAD
-------------------------------

Except he wasn't "in" it - his front wheels were up on the curb and his arse was half out in to the road and his window wide open, allowing me the opportunity to tell him it was the most superb piece of parking I had ever seen, before cycling off in to the sunset.

That dun made my day.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 15:42, closed)

haha
I like little things like this.

Once asked someone at work buying a new beemer if he was getting it fitted with indicators, he didnt get it but someone overheard and later gave me a high 5!
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 11:22, closed)

hahahah
Just let it go man
( rofl harris, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:16, closed)

I will do once they start behaving properly.
On Friday a PACK of them jumped the lights - six of them stormed past me - ranging from couriers, a woman in a long flowing hippy dress, a guy in a suit - and none of them were wearing helmets.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:18, closed)

It's a conspiracy

( rofl harris, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:19, closed)

I know. They're the ones that talk to me from behind the fridge and tell me to burn things.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:20, closed)

Not wearing helmets...
surely that makes them easier to kill?
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:21, closed)

Yes but that's not the point.
A nice, brightly-coloured bulleye on each side would cheer the day up no end.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:26, closed)

Don't watch this:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLzGj10fg2g
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 15:48, closed)

Pffft.
Half of them are dead now.

I think the blokes at the end had it right - throw full cans at them and shouts of "WANKER!"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 15:57, closed)

The comments
posted against that video in support of the bike riding tards are quite scary.
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 16:37, closed)

Could have been me...
...if it was near Ludgate Circus this morning.

In my defence, the bit of the pavement I cycled on to is a 'shared space' (I use that poncy term in the absence of anything better) and there are marked - but not obvious - cycle ramps on and off it.

Generally though, I'm with you. I started cycling recently, and I stop at the lights and zebra crossings. And I feel like a complete dick while practically every other cyclists whizzes past me ignoring all the rules of the road. I know I shouldn't, but I do. It's no wonder cyclists get a bad name, I hate them and I am one...
(annexed, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:31, closed)

That's funny
I hate motorist's and I am one.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:43, closed)

No no - there are similar "shared spaces" around and I'm quite happy for them to use them.
No - this was actual, bona fide pavement for pedestrians and not cyclists.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 15:00, closed)

I'm in London
and there are many many cyclists around. It's not that bad at all, I don't often see them skipping red lights or being idiots.
(viciousal, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:34, closed)

I cycle in London every day
And yes - I run red lights. Typically when turning left or a pedestrian crossing (one of the automatic ones) is green but there's no-one there. I do however, stop for all pedestrians since they have a right to be there and I know I'm being very naughty.
We're not all arseholes, but I've seen plenty that are.
( heyrudi has just found this setting, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 15:32, closed)

So the rules don't apply to you either.
Thats cool. Means you're fair game.

Yes - you are an arsehole. The rules apply to you as well, dickhead.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 16:14, closed)

Well look
I'll tell you what gets me. Edinburgh has stacks of cycle paths, cycle lanes etc. and on my commute to work I invariably get stuck behind some git on an expensive bike in garish lycra, peddling along 15 yards away from a clearly marked, deserted cycle path.

Sometimes I try to show them the error of their ways, e.g. "look, there's a cycle path."

Usual reply: "fuck off."

Is there some macho alpha male thing about using cycle paths / lanes?
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:35, closed)

No...
Cycle paths are generally full of glass and dog shit.

If I buy a road bike, I use it on the road*
I don't buy a path bike.

Generally, a cyclist is a road user, just the same as a car driver, a horse and cart, or a herse. We should all learn to share, and respect each other's rights. I don't run red lights, but I see many motorists with hands cupped to ears using mobile phones. They are all crimes that make my blood boil regardless of which tribe a belong to.


*as aoposed to a mountain bike which is for putting in the garage to collect dust.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:47, closed)

without proper safety gear you're nothing but a menace
also if i hit you and it dents the fuck out of my bonnet, who is your insurer?

how much tax do bike users pay? none? get off my road


:-D
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:59, closed)

Oh, ok then.
1. Without proper safety gear they are nothing but a menace TO THEMSELVES. The helmet is not to protect the people they hit.
2. If you hit a cyclist fast enough to "dent the fuck out of" your bonnet, it's probably your fault - your insurance will cover you, unless your third or 3FT only. Their insurer is irrelevant in that case. If they hit you that fast on the other hand, feel free to send them an invoice, if they're still alive. bonnet will probably knock back out again pretty cheap though.
3. As much income tax as you, as much VAT as you and as much council tax as you, probably. Your road tax doesn't even begin to cover the full costs of the road, and your car is wearing them out much much faster than their tiny bike tyres anyway. You should be giving them money, overall.

Complain about the needless lycra instead. That truly is a menace.
(sabre-tooth monkey, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 15:22, closed)

you're a menace....
ok what if something happens to one of the idiots tootling along a 50mph road with no safety gear, or they fall and get hit = they will most likely die. All i suggest is that if you want to be taken seriously on the roads, wear protective gear or ride on the pavement like little girls.

1. if you're not wearing a helmet, you're not intellegent enough to be taken seriously

2. if a cyclist hits me, im just wondering why I should have to shell out?

3. i pay road tax because I have a car. I think this should be the case for any roadgoing vehicle, is that unfair?


p.s are you a cyclist?
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 15:42, closed)

Respect
If you want to use the road.

1:-Pay road tax
2:- pay insurance
3:- Register your bike so that when you do inevitably break the law the rozzers can track you down.
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 16:44, closed)

1. No such thing as road tax.
2. Most decent contents insurance policies cover you whilst out on your bike.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Tue 7 Sep 2010, 0:51, closed)

Number 3
No answer to that one then?
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 12:20, closed)

Just getting into it - I'm a novice cyclist (the most dangerous type maybe?).

I like the idea of 3rd party insurance for cyclists. It would be cheap, as they're unlikely to cause massive motorway pileups, or write off your car. I don't reckon you've been rammed by many cyclists though. If it's happening a lot, there's a chance the blame is not 100% with the cyclists. Ask some other car drivers how often it happens to them.

There is no logic in the tax system that suggests you should have to pay directly for services you are using (sadly). I pay tax that goes towards schools, but I have no children, for example. I would happily pay road tax if I could reduce my other taxes for things I did not use. Plus "classic" cars (25 years old or older) are exempt from road tax. Horses are exempt from road tax. Pedestrians do not pay pavement tax or crossing tax. And smaller cars pay less road tax (and larger vehicles more). Perhaps bikes should pay per kilogram (with some sort of reduction for the lack of emissions, like hybrids and electric cars)? I would subscribe to that (as long as I get my schools money back). Write to your MP.

And I wear a helmet. I'm probably still not intelligent enough to be taken seriously though, as I am still on a bicycle (from time to time - not now), and not smart enough to stop replying when weight of opinion is against me.
(sabre-tooth monkey, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 17:02, closed)

There's a reason for that.
It's not road tax. It's vehicle excise duty, and it is a tax purely on owning a car. Much like a tax on buying beer doesn't pay for pubs, it doesn't pay for roads, so that argument is unfortunately spurious.

However, the insurance one is totally valid, and it used to piss me off a fucking treat that probably only about 5% of cyclists have the nous to realise they should have 3rd party insurance at the very least.

The "ah well if I'm in accident it'll be the driver's fault or I won't cause much damage" is exactly the kind of idiotry which should result in cyclists being banned from roads. I fully support cyclists having as much right as cars to be on the roads. If they play by the rules of the roads. Obey all laws, get insured, respect other road users. Just because some car drivers are cunts doesn't give cyclists carte blanche to break the rules. Just as some cyclists being cunts doesn't give drivers the right to tag all cyclists as arseholes.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 17:19, closed)

Didn't actually know insurance was available to cyclists (but of course it must be).
I will investigate.
(sabre-tooth monkey, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 10:46, closed)

im not just on the case of badmouthing cyclists
Just the ones who ignore their own safety, riding along 70mph duel carriageways is not clever at all. I have nothing but respect though for ones who use roads about town and have all the correct gear on. I overtake when i can, and usually leave space for them to pass if im in traffic/at a junction.

All I'm suggesting is that if there are stricter laws, cyclists would be safer. Ive never been hit by a bike and i hope it never happens, just IF it did I wouldnt want to have to shell out respraying a scratch or whatever. I have the same opinion for uninsured drivers; they are the scum of the earth though, cyclists are perhaps just a little naive?

I like your take on the tax system, but also get badgers post above regarding "vehicle tax not road tax". I would have thought in this new Green era Classic Cars should pay much much more tax, as they are much more likely to pollute than my 15yo celica....? but i digress :-)


kudos on being a half decent cyclist ;-)
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 11:33, closed)

Wow - didn't spot that...
If I get hit square on by a car moving at 50mph, and I'm wearing a helmet, it's not going to help me. It's only going to mean I end up more aware of the pain as the life ebbs from me.

Irrelevant to the other issues though. I'll still wear it, so I'm safer when I accidentally hit a child while running a red light or riding on the pavement like a little girl.
(sabre-tooth monkey, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 17:05, closed)

Don't necessarily agree but...
...I like your style.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Mon 6 Sep 2010, 17:11, closed)

Yes, sort of but no...
Per no. 2 - The insurance may well cover it but who is going to get shafted for the inevitable excess cost and potential future impact of loss of no claims. Would it not be the driver?
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Mon 6 Sep 2010, 17:08, closed)

Listen muppet...
British Cycling is my insurer, and also the Cycling Touring Club insure me as a coach and instructor.
How much tax...? I earn enough to have a couple of bikes valued at probably more than your car. I think I would pay significantly more tax than you.

So... get of my road
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 12:14, closed)

whilst we're on the subject of sweeping generalisation
I just plain don't like black people*

I once pulled up a crossing to take my bike onto the pavement and chain it up outside the tax offices. The people waiting at the crossing thought I was stopping for them and that the lights must be red and starting crossing the road into on-coming traffic.
One bloke started ranting at me, so I pointed at the sign and said "red man says no.."


*Not true..
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:42, closed)

hahahahahaha
woulda been even better if there was a native american standing across the road, shaking his head
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 15:00, closed)

Cyclists choose to get on their bikes and use the road
but to ignore the laws of the road.

It's not something they're born into; something they have no power or control over.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 15:10, closed)

i suggest a cyclists kennel
where they round up all those not wearing safety gear / following laws and make them wait till their mams pick them up....
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 15:43, closed)

In essence then...
...the problem is with cycling cocks, but also with driving cocks and pedestrian cocks and the occasional clumsy pet cock that runs out into the road. Cyclists are just slightly more militant when you point it out to them as their moral high ground happens to coincide with the public thoroughfares.

All road users who ignore the rules are equally to blame (I include myself in that) but we should all therefore be equally culpable. I know this is alluded to further up but I just love to chuck my tuppence worth in!
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Mon 6 Sep 2010, 17:16, closed)

cyclists are cocks you say?
didnt read beyond that :P
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 11:36, closed)

I just knew
I should have put that in a different order....damn!
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Tue 7 Sep 2010, 19:21, closed)

I admire your views and would like to subscribe to your newsletter

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 15:11, closed)

Excellent!
Simply send me your bank details (A/c no, sort code, pin number &c), proof of address and copy of your passport, and you're in*!


*What you may be in may differ from illustration. Terms and conditions apply.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 15:21, closed)

I've said it before* and I'll say it again...
Don't feed the troll...

*may not be true
(Sir Itchalot has a very self-referential signature, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 16:49, closed)