smoking some shit
we used to get our m8 grahame to keep lookout while we skinned up a joint each out of the puff we had chipped into buy. we used to fill his joint with anything we could find under archway, grit, spiders web bits of old chewing gum.
(ManToe all he learnt in sex class was 2 clean his armpits, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 22:24, Reply)

My mother
Cannot even see a listing for 'The Real Hustle' without looking at me with genuine confusion and saying: "But...but...THEY'RE SHOWING PEOPLE HOW TO DO IT!!!!"

Furrows brow. "Do they not REALISE??!"

Every time. I love my mum.
(Samara Morgan is a small blue thing, like a marble or an eye, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 22:13, Reply)

One of the best I've ever seen...
Some years back I worked at a different sort of factory, one where we blended the various chemicals and such to make plastic. The stuff was then extruded into long threads about three or four millimeters across (I’m estimating, based on memory) which were then chopped into little pellets of plastic to be poured into injection molding machines to make the familiar plastic things you see around you every day, from the keys that you’re typing on to the radiator fan in your car. My part in all of this was in the Quality Control group- we took samples, molded them into test bars and did physical testing on them to ensure their strength and so on.

In the lab I worked in were a number of middle-aged women who did the actual testing. They ranged in age from about 50 to 60, I would guess, and had been there for about thirty years. (As a guy in his late 30s, you can imagine what it was like for me there as the only person with functional testicles, including the boss, hurr hurr hurr…) Not exactly a prepossessing group, really- they tended to either be past the point of really caring what they looked like and had gone seriously to seed, or were still wearing hairstyles from the early 70s with lots of hairspray and perms. The term “frumpy” may have been coined to describe that group.

Anyway, one of them was this short, rotund little woman with poofy grey hair permed up on her head, big goggly glasses and drawn-on eyebrows. Remember Alice from “The Brady Bunch”? Make her about a foot shorter and eighty pounds heavier and you’re close.

The interesting thing about her? She made pretty good money on the side as a private investigator.

I shit you not. She had a concealed weapon permit and was pretty much always carrying a gun, and apparently was well versed in its use. She had never had to use it, mind you, but I don’t imagine that she would have hesitated too much. Behind those glasses were a rather steely pair of pale grey eyes and a very sharp mind- she did the New York Times crossword puzzles in pen during her lunch hour, and was seldom stumped by them.

When she mentioned her sideline I thought she was joking, until she showed me her gun. Her car was a Monte Carlo, rather nondescript but with a very powerful engine- and I have seen her drive it, and she’s good. But as she pointed out, who would ever expect a woman who looked like someone’s granny to be an investigator? Who would suspect that it was her who busted a tail light so a cop would have reason to pull someone over? Who would look twice at her walking around a motel?

I sometimes wonder how many people she’s conned with her elderly-redneck-granny routine. Because, believe me, you really wouldn’t want her on your tail…

(The best part? Her first name was one that was last fashionable in the 40s or so, and her last name was a synonym for renegade. I swear, it was like some strange parody of a film noir, Mickey Spillane character- if I told you her actual name you wouldn’t believe me. I mean, who would believe in someone named something like Aggie Rebel? And yet there she was…)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 18 Oct 2007, 22:04, 3 replies)

Swiftythegood/bad but not evil
I can relate to your vodka-scoffing dosser.

I lived in North Leeds for many years and suffered the usual parade of "Give me twenty pence for a cup of tea/train to Cardiff/present for the disabled children" etc. brigade.

One particular suspect, however, tapped me so many times with spurious tales of woe that we developed a rapport.

He was banned from all the local shops for shoplifting so I'd buy him a can of Special Brew whenever I saw him. All the pretence went, and he told me the real tale of woe (no qualifications, into the forces, could'nt handle it, hit the bottle, now lived in a bush etc..)

I was fairly immune to the bleatings of street people prior to that but there's always a reason, however tawdry, that they're trying to scam you.

Entirely devoid of humour I'm afraid, but some cons are borne of socio-economic necessity. We've been conned into paying taxes to fund an illegal, immoral and entirely unjustified occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan. Is'nt that the most effective mass con that has ever been?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 21:57, 1 reply)

Shameful...
I once (With assistance from my ex-flatmate) sold a radio alarm clock at a car boot sale. Catch was, we had pulled it from the pond in our garden earlier that morning. Amazing what a bit of foam clean can do. I still wonder what happened when the poor guy got it home..
( dozack, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 21:56, Reply)

Some guy
in manchester, when I was but a wee fairy (well, 17 so nearly 5 years ago) standing outside Satans hollow, during the times of £8 entry and free bar. And some guy came up telling some sob story about having lost his money for his coach in the morning, I gave him 50p. I didn't believe the story, but my dad had told me horror stories of stabbings in manchester and I was scared I'd become the next victim.

Aparrently, according to the boncers he did it every night.
(purplefairy, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 21:16, 2 replies)

I was convinced to donate money 'to help run' a popular website.
All I got in return? A small rabbit icon that appears beside my name. None of the free bumsex that the owner promised. Ginger tosser.
( Peregr1n @peregr1n, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 20:45, 4 replies)

I was 2p short on my BLT sarnie this lunchtime at the corner shop
The dumb assistant thinks I'll pay it back tomorrow. Little does he know I'll be far away in Cuba by then!

HAHAHAHAHA SUCKER!
( Peregr1n @peregr1n, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 20:43, Reply)

Me, I'm innocent
In the bad way. I was approached by a woman in a parking lot once, who poured out a long and somewhat tragic (at least, it would have been if it had been true) story about her car having been stolen, her kids were hungry, etc, etc.

I gave her a fiver to get her to go away, and spent the rest of the evening fuming over how it'd probably just been a more sophisticated breed of hobo.

Still not really over it...
(Rem Sir, why are you thrashing about on the floor?, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 20:42, Reply)

eBay.
I've been conned out of over £300 through eBay and Paypal. And they didn't lift a finger to help me - in fact, they automatically assumed *I* was the conman, as I was the seller.

I've never touched 'em since - and I highly recommend nobody else does either.
( Peregr1n @peregr1n, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 20:42, Reply)

All the time
keep paying these things called taxes they haven't mailed me anything back!
(MrPlankton, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 20:33, Reply)

Caught a scammer
Before I started living the dream, I worked part time in a computer game shop, we had a no quibble 30 day return policy on console games - to aid baffled mothers return the wrong games.
Anyway this dude appeared in store with a receipt and a game he wanted to return, he'd paid cash and the game was still in it's original shrink wrapping, it was near christmas so I did a basic refund with the manager watching. As soon as it went quiet, I decided to put the stock back on the shelf, but I thought I'd open it up first (just a hunch).

Yup no disc in the box, the cheeky begger had kept the disc, re-shrinkwrapped the box and filled the inside with paper.

I bet he thought he was really clever, however he wasn't that clever, as the paper he'd used to fill the box was made up of the literature we sent out with our reward points. With the scammers name and address on it..........he got charged (the police raided his house) and banned for life. I still see the guy in town and he always tries to give me this scary stare, which I then point and laugh at.

Yay for me.
(allyourbasekris Hotdog, Jumping Frog, Alberquerque, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 20:30, Reply)

Porn.
This is a saga, be warned.

Prologue:
As a tender lad of 11 who had just discovered the female figure and the joys that follow the viewing of such, I was inclined to find as much visual stimulus as possible.
Sure there was the interweb, but we were on 56k and I didn't not know how to turn auto-complete off (try explaining to your mother why your history is filled with visits to blowjobland.com).
Sure, my imagination could probably fill in the gaps of some of the attractive totty at school, but I wanted a real woman, I wanted Lita from WWF.
Search the web as I might, I couldn't find any pictures of her in the buff.
Eventually I gave up my search for this filthy, redheaded vixen.
A few weeks later, the scummy American lad from the estate approached me whilst I was having a slash (of all the places to be approached...)

"Oi, you know Lita? I got a picture of her with her muff out! You want it?"

WONDERMENT!
This is BRILLIANT!
My American saviour!
You perveyour of the rarest grot!
Prince among men, I thank you!

"20p."

20p? 20p!? This Goddess on earth - NAKED - for only Twenty Pence!?
Sir! If my sense of decency outweighed my need for flesh, I would challenge you for her honour!
Twenty Pence of my lunch money for this visual delight!

"Ok."

I hand over the single coin, I get a folded piece of paper in return.
SALVATION!
This piece of paper in my shaking hands has validated my existence!
I can die happy with only 11 years on this earth!

I started to open it gently, BUT NO!
Savour it, take it home, enjoy it the way it was meant to be enjoyed.
I fold it back up and put it in my pocket.
This was at lunch on a Monday when we finish late.
4 hours until I can be united with this prime specimen of womanhood!
Those were the longest four hours of my life, I could feel that small rectangle of paper burning a whole in my thigh!
Nothing else mattered, it was only a few hours.

Finally the final bell rang - sweet freedom!
I almost ran all the way home, if it were not for asthma and a general state of unfitness.
No, running would be unwise, you could trigger a heart attack or be chased or get knocked down by a car - No, play it safe.

There was an electricity in the air on the way home, with every step it grew and grew.
This storm, this tempest, being generated mostly by my crotch was rising.
Soon, soon I can be at home and gain that much needed spiritual fulfilment.

I neared the front door, no car on the drive, the home completely deserted, the universe has aligned perfectly to suit my wanking needs!

I entered those mint green hallways, going down to my bedroom where those 5 minutes of warm, spoogey, bliss await.
I dump the bag, remove that little A4 piece of heaven and haul my frame up onto my bunk.

The scene is set, I'm on my back, ready to incite the wrath of Catholic God for this simple indulgence, my hands shaking as I unfold the paper....






I'm not going to tell you how this ends, CONNED LOL!







On this piece of A4, an item more important to me than a cure for cancer or an end to world hunger, I saw............





A small, lo-resolution, floppy-disk sized picture of a red headed woman, with blatantly fake tits, spreading her legs to reveal an orange blur.
This is not my Lita.

Motherfucker.



Epilogue:
Tears stinging my eyes and a rapidly shrinking erection I had to dispose of the evidence, the bins wouldn't do, they would be checked for recycling.
I disposed of the item that shattered my dreams of the perfect wank, down the back of a chest in the garage, where it has remained to this very day.

Moral of this story?
Never trust scummy, American touts from a council estate.
I almost crippled him the next time I saw him.

Length?
You can't measure emotional destruction like that.
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 20:30, 2 replies)

been conned
i've been conned a couple of times, and i'm sure a lot of you have been as well - EBAY
( nikdude, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 20:13, Reply)

Wonderfully topical.
I just quit my job. It's been interesting so far.

Substitute "job" with "two years of hell".

Substitute "interesting" with "fucking terrifying".

Add that my boss has threatened to call the police on me, and refuses to give me my legally entitled notice. And I've moved about 100 miles across the country to escape it.

2 years. 2 years running a shop, keys etc on fuck all pay.

Expected to enforce a break that was under the legal limit for the other staff, not allowed to leave the shop floor to get stock, or have lunch. Lots of banging on loo door every time I used the loo (in this weird expectation that it would make me poo/wee quicker). Expected to rip off customers. Constantly told off for not having the money arranged the right way. Lots of guilt trips every time I was sick "someone has just crashed into my car, I might have whiplash" "aww, I was about to take the kids to thorpe park". Told to stay behind to cash up but not paid for it. Banned from typing out the commission lists (I have motor control problems and am allowed to type my exams and suchlike), and forced to write them out by hand. Fired for being sick and not giving enough notice for it (but more notice than I ever required for any other job I've had). Not given my legally entitled notice. And I'm too scared to take any action really. The woman terrifies me. The last person who crossed her ended up hospitalised.

(no humour I'm afraid)
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 19:27, 3 replies)

A few times
Some alcoholic has apptoached me asking if I could spare some cash for them, so they can buy petrol for their car. Now usually a kind person like myself would give them a couple of quid, if it were not for the next sentance to come out of their mouths:
"I'm not going to buy any alcohol with it, honest. You can come and watch me pay for it if you want".
At that point I turn round and tell them to get lost.
There must be something about me that screams pick me, pick me.
(metalhead41, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 19:25, Reply)

My Dad
Told me about the time he conned Sven Goran Eriksson...He was the manager of Gothernberg or something =S Anyway my Dad and his mates went out to Sweeden when Arsenal went to play them in the Uefa cup(i think).

They didn't have any tickets and like most cocky mid 20 year olds they though they could travel out there and buy some tickets from a tout. Anyway so it turned out they were staying in the same hotel as Sven, My dad uses the phone to ring him and play the sympathy card "my wife and children are all out here and we all really want to see the game but haven't got any, If you could get us some and i can get the money to your room i would be grateful" or some bullshit like that.

Stupid Sven actually believed him and low and behold the tickets arrived at his room....I wonder if Sven rings the hotel every week asking if he's money has turned up ?

Length? I don't want to know...
(Alexander The Great, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 19:18, Reply)

ITV type voting
Conned on QOTW..banal stories as amusing as Rectal Cancer, and too many peeps pressing "I Like This"

Seems you can vote for yourself lol(or get yer chums to do it)
Apeloverage is the reason why genocide/murder is still a tenable option in the human psyche.

I'll be off then.
(frightfullybored, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 19:10, Reply)

Caught one out
Just as I took my wad from the cash machine in Cambridge next to the bus station.

"I'm sorry to bother you but I'm in a bit of bother" said the well dressed chap in the blue woolen overcoat.

"My car has been towed and I need to get home to Newmarket to get some money to collect it. Could you lend me £5, I'll give you my watch as security" he continued.

Ok, I thought he seems genuine, smart, shirt and tie, polite and not a conman. But, I've just got money out, he's seen it. Oh, he also has a heavy drinkers face and doesn't look embarrased by this and it's a very cheap watch.

"No" said I, "I can't spare any cash".

Three weeks later, same guy.

"I've ran out of petrol and need to get to Newmarket for some money to fill it up, it's got a ticket and is going to be towed, I'll give you my mobile as security".

"You offered me your watch the last time you stopped a couple of weeks ago" I replied.

"I've never seen you before"

"Yes you have and you had the same coat on, go away".

A few weeks later driving past Lion Yard car park. He's bothering a young student type telling the same story and not taking no for an answer, he seemed to be winning. Then I pulled up and wound down the window.

"Don't give him any money he's tried it on with me a couple of times recently.

"No I haven't" he replied.

"Yes you have, now FUCK OFF"

He did have the decency to look embarrased and shuffles away.

"Cheers mate" from student type as I drove off.
(Yellow Car is now red, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 19:08, 5 replies)

Probably not conned...
One wet and bloody awful night I went to get my last 20 quid out of the cash machine, when this guy walked up, clearly soaked to the skin and wearing overalls that were reeking of diesel. "Excuse me", he said, "this is going to sound a bit dodgy, but could I borrow a tenner for some diesel? Some neds shoved paper towels into the diesel tank of my van and I've just spent all my money with that garage along the road to get the fuel system cleaned out. Now I'm skint and they won't give me any clean diesel..."

So I gave him a tenner. He wanted an address so he could return it, but I told him to just give a tenner to someone else that needed it.

Fuck knows if I was ripped off or not, if it was a scam then getting your self covered in diesel is a long way to go for a tenner.
(gordonjcp, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 18:59, Reply)

Silly scammers
I went to a cash point, and just after bashing in my amount, was acosted by 2 scuzzy individuals, who offered me a top class bag of weed. I promtly refused, only to see no money had come out of the machine. The 2 blokes were obviously also somewhat confused, having planned to swipe the cash and do a runner, and stood there looking stupid until i asked them to sod off. I'd never been so happy to be skint!
(Bazamataz, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 18:55, Reply)

Honest Con
Living near Greenock (a Scottish town full of more drug addicts than a Conservative party conference) I've heard many variations on the classic 'need money for my train fare' con. Including:

"Ah need money to pay the gas bill - they're gonnae shut my electricity aff"

"My Granny's been taken ill, and ah need to get the bus tae see her"

Or the perrenial favourite "Ah need 20p fir a cup of tea"

However, on a recent jaunt through town I was stopped by a typical jakey (Scottish slang for an alcoholic waster), who proceeded to ask me for some spare change.

"Why do you need it?" I asked, fully expecting some bullshit story

"Ah'm gonnae buy a bottle of Vodka" he answered

I was so impressed with his honesty, I gave him a quid. Just goes to show that honesty does pay
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 18:50, 1 reply)

Hacked.
A boy from my school went to B&Q for work experience. The boss, hearing that the boy was very good with computers decided to give him control all the computers in that particular store (why he did this I don't know). So anyway, the chap decided that he would try and steal from B&Q, starting with very small amounts and taking more and more gradually.

So this was going on for a few days, but the boy forgot his boss would be monitoring him, so after the boss had evidence of the theft he called the police and the school, and the boy was arrested. The teacher in charge of organising the work experience rushed down to B&Q and the boy was crying and said "Sir! Stop them! Please!" but the teacher wouldn't do anything.

So the kid was carted down to the police station and his brother burst in demanding to see him, the police agreed to let him in the cell and once he was in there he beat the shit out of his younger brother for 'disgracing the family', then in came his mum who whacked him around the head with her handbag and kicked him.

Other than that the boy got in no trouble at all, the head of B&Q decided not to press charges, and the school didn't expell him. So his initial scam was really worth a try I guess.
(flytrappedinajar, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 18:47, Reply)

At work
I work in a gift shop selling random bits and pieces. A few months ago some person came in saying how nice one of our staff was, since she had help his mother pick out some gifts for his sister.

He then said that the sister had been run over by a car and killed, and he wanted to return the gifts, but he didn't have a receipt.

The owner of the shop felt that this was fine, since after all he had just lost a sister. We refunded the gifts he had and he left pretty sharpish. It was only later that we began to think about this... if you've just lost a sister surely you wouldn't be thinking about getting your money back on 30 quids worth of stuff. We later noticed the bastard had just taken stuff off the shelf, then took it up to the counter.

Fucking scumbag. Such a low thing to do, saying his sister is dead. We later found out that he had also conned over 200 quid off another shop down the road a few weeks before, producing an invoice for goods that didn't exist that required payment.

There are some fuckers out there.
( Risk It For A Biscuit has a helicopter and lives in space, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 18:36, Reply)

When I was working in Threshers
back in the day, I was doing a day shift on me own, and it was getting on to 6pm when a group of chav kids come in and started eyeing up the place. Anyway, one of them comes up and asks for fags, which I serve up after a quick ID check. I give him his change and then he stares at me, then eventually says 'Yeah, well can I have the fags then?'.

Me: 'I swear I just gave them to you?'

Him: (empties pockets) 'No, look.'

This carries on until a point, where the boy pulls down his tracksuit bottoms and takes off his shirt and says 'Look, search me, check my clothes, I haven't got them.'

At this point this is the last thing I need, and I started to doubt myself so I handed over a pack of cigarettes and the boys go on their way.

Later, I checked the CCTV just to see how I could have been so stupid. One of this lads mates were standing by the door, and the moment I'd handed him the first pack, and looked down to count his change up, he'd tossed them across to him.

What a load of old bollocks to go through over getting a free pack of cigs, I'd have just pulled out a knife and taken a few boxes....
( McBadger COW, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 18:29, 1 reply)

stop me if you Heard It All B-4
Do the english understand any dif tween a "Con" -
(connaivance performed upon the unwilling
and uninformed for gain)
and "sophmoric alcoholic pranking"
(done for half-wit laffs among incest survivors)?

Telephone tomfoolery is coming-of-age classic.
Not a way to take it easy.

Texting friends anon does not criminals earn their keep.

Thugs, louts, shoplifts, brawlers and clip joints-
these are your 'classless' cut of crime.

A ConMan is first a liar - and so convincing.
If first-class, flawless as a pimp.
But he's safe, he's conservative,
and more: your Very Friend.you want to trust- and you'll never fear.
For his soul has stolen off.

But more important with every Con is the revelation
Good will for fellowman must be lost for you.
Thus "The Mark" they mention is innocence.
& But If
Today we have people posing as "X" and everything online...
Do these truly skate above any station -
Could this cause any threat to capital commerce at the nation?

And should the reporter get off -
get caught -
and get away- ???

Over here I think we'd call that "dalliance".
Something men in millions will pay willingly.
Rather Business As Usual over high-class hold-up.

Anyone see where we're headed?
Con's costly -And clever. Non de cliche.
ConMan likes clean living too.
Do we maybe just breed these tougher out west?

after all:
The Con our man has run on y'all-
it's of the 'world class'.
But:
Should it occur ever to you brils, already:
everything online's possibly a lie ...

It's the lie! Don't believe this.

your fields may remain evergreen
(hilarleo, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 18:29, 7 replies)

What sad lives some people must lead
I was once waiting for a bus with a friend, when a guy in his mid-20s approached us and asked for some help.

He said he was desperate: he'd lost his wallet, and needed to take the train home. He said he'd managed to scrounge a few pounds so far, but neeed £10 more to have enough for the train fare. He said that if we lent him money, he'd take my address and pay me back.

I took pity on him - feeling that if I were in his situation, I'd have to do exactly the same thing. So I gave him £10, and wrote down my address - taking "his" address at the same time. I also asked for his phone number, and he gave a land-line. I asked if he had a mobile, but he gave some excuse which I can't remember now.

A few days passed, and nothing come through the post. I tried calling the land-line, and it rang repeatedly with no answer. After several more days, I tried the number again - and it was answered by what sounded like an old lady, who had never heard of the guy whose name I asked for.

So I spent £10 to learn a lesson: never, ever lend money to anyone without reliable contact details. I would not be so cynical as to say never give money to anyone ever, because - as I said - these situations do genuinely happen, and if I were in need then I'd like to think there were kind strangers around to help me out.

But I'm left thinking: what a poor, sad, pathetic wanker must this guy be if he goes through such a crappy routine merely for the sake of £10.

Karnpal Atwal - if that's your real name - you are a waste of space.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 18:22, 3 replies)