Badgers
When I was wee, my family used to amuse ourselves in the interminable car journey down to Devon by counting the roadkill and guessing what it was. It was a somewhat macabre version of the iSpy books I had diligently filled in and was thus left with no more exciting things to look out for on the endless stretches of road.

"A badger!" I exclaimed, pointing out of the window with glee at a mutilated corpse on the hard shoulder.

"Don't be silly," my mum said, a smile playing at her lips, which at the age of seven I had failed to identify as I am going to troll my child for shits and giggles. "Badgers don't exist."

Imagine, if you will, the earth-shattering realisation that the world you thought you knew was a fiction. That those funny black-and-white big-rat animals were in fact entirely made-up. What else was untrue? I had already dealt, that year, with the discovery that Santa, God and the Tooth Fairy were lies. Was anything real any more?

I whimpered. "But that looked like a badger," I protested.

"They're pretend," my mum insisted. "Someone plants them on the roadside as a trick."

I accepted this. Following the Santa-revelation, I knew that if my mum told me something was imaginary, it probably was. Mistrust flickered. Was my mum one of those people who planted fake badger-corpses to maintain the deceit? It would be her style, the disingenuous cow.

For years, I took it to be true. Badgers weren't real. It stayed with me until my teenage years, when a chubby, awkward Queen of Cheesecake decided to show off her superiority by correcting someone who claimed to have seen a badger.

"Don't be silly," I said. "Badgers don't exist."

The chorus of laughter still rings in my ears.
( Queen of Cheesecake, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 15:29, 8 replies)

Christopher Reeves wheelchair
was made of kryptonite.
(username failed moderation, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 14:27, 7 replies)

My Yank neighbour ...
is busy working in his vegetable garden.
I suspect it's some kind of American plot.
(Mr Gronk, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 22:52, 2 replies)

The truth is out there
The X-Files, the cult 90's Sci-fi TV series created by Chris Carter was all about alien invasions and conspiracies and would Agents Mulder and Scully get it on. However you may not have realised that there was a hidden agenda behind the series.

But what no one asks is why he was called Fox. This isnt a common name and no one ever comments on it in the series. Some think that it is because the program is made by 20th Century FOX, but this misses the hidden message.

One of the driving points was Mulder's search for his missing sister
Mulder's missing sister is called Samantha, and if you put this with her brother you get the name of '80 Page 3 Stunna Samantha Fox. Chris Carter was in league with 20th Century Fox. (which is owned by Rupert Murdoch) to bring the Sun newspaper (also owned by Rupert Murdoch) along with Page 3 girls to the United States through subliminal mentions of its biggest star.

This may seem far fetched but if you read the X-Files encyclopeda if you look closely at an original script on page 18 you can see that in the first draft of the script, Agent Scully was originally called Agent Busty McTitts.

The truth is out there.
(lordofallhesurveys How appropriate you fight like a cow, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:50, 5 replies)

Hollywood films with an inverted hermeneutic (fairly long post)
You've all seen films with Satan. Either he, or one of his minions, is harassing young women or little girls, getting them to talk dirty and vomit pea soup all over the place while wearing spooky contact lenses. That's the Satan everyone's seen and is yawningly familiar with.

How many of you are aware you've seen literally dozens of depictions of Satan disguised so you wouldn't know you're cheering him on?

For example, the movie The Chronicles of Riddick. The bad guys in the Chronicles of Riddick are the Necromongers. They're a religious order that fly around in crucifix-shaped ships looking for the Underverse. They "crusade" across the star systems telling people they must "convert or die". Their deity is a three-faced trinity. Their leader, the Lord Marshal, has died and been born again and is now neither living nor dead but "something else". They are, in short, Catholics in space with a zombie Jesus figure in charge.

But if they're the bad guys does that mean Riddick is Satan? Yes. Yes it does. Riddick is depicted with the hallmarks of the adversary from various religious traditions.

He is captured and confined to Crematoria (Hell) from whence he must escape for the "day of days" fight with the Lord Marshal (his own words).

He is suspended in Crematoria, just like Satan is said to be suspended perpetually falling into Hell eternally in some traditions and the Lord Marshal even says "your fall will be eternal".

He falls in Crematoria. Satan is a fallen angel, he is always depicted in the inverted hermeneutic as literally falling.

He is destined to fight the Necromongers. Riddick's entire race refused to bow the knee to the Lord Marshal. The Furyans are the fallen rebel angels of Satan.

He is immensely skilled with weapons. In the inverted hermeneutic Satan is always depicted as a skilled fighter due to one of the fallen angels of the Book of Enoch, Azazel, being credited with teaching mankind the art of combat.

He was confined to a pit and is hurt by the light. Riddick was initially imprisoned in a penal mine and had his eyes doctored to see in the dark and is now hurt by the light. Azazel was cast into a pit and buried under rock and is likewise hurt by the light.

He performs a false miracle to come back from the dead. He shields himself with an opponent's body and pretends to be dead, only to come back and haunt the bad guys.

And so on. There's a checklist of attributes of Satan that are used when portraying Satan and if you stick half a dozen up there, those in the know know just who they're watching.

And Riddick is just one example.

Martin Riggs in Lethal Weapon, just like Riddick

Falls when handcuffed to the suicide nut when handcuffed from a building

Is suspended and tormented under a shower by the bad guys

Is immensely skilled with weapons being one of the 8-10 best snipers in the world.

Performs a false miracle by "coming back from the dead" after stopping a shotgun round with his flak vest.

And just like Riddick who tells the imam in Pitch Black he believes in God and just hates him, Riggs tells Murtaugh to "hate God back, it works for me".

Oh and who does Riggs fight, at Christmas time, in LA? That would be a corrupt general whose side he initially fought on and his chief henchman Joshua (which is the same as Yeheshua which is the Hebrew name of Jesus). In fact, when Joshua is tortured for no good reason other than to lampshade who he is, the guy watching says "Jesus Christ" half a dozen times. They are, quite literally, telling you who the character is whom you are watching being tortured.

Similarly, Shane Black who scripted Lethal Weapon and who in interview has said he's fascinated by "fallen" heroes, reprised the character of Riggs with Joe Hallenbeck in The Last Boy Scout.

And on it goes. You can play this game yourself with a lot of Hollywood movies, preferably ones with two male characters who are based on Shemyaza and Azazel from the Book of Enoch.

Han Solo and Luke Skywalker - fall down chasms, check, threatened with a 1000 years of torment in a pit, check, blinded temporarily by the light after encasement in carbonite rock, check, etc etc. And who are they fighting? Oh that's the Godlike Emperor and his right hand man who was born without conception, was prophesied to be born, talked to temple elders as a youngster, stormed the same temple as an adult, is obsessed with life over death and actually quotes the words of Jesus in the gospel of Matthew in the final prequel. Star Wars is the story of the rebel angels, told from the rebel angels point of view and they even tell you it happened a long time ago.

This is, by far, my favourite conspiracy theory I've ever come across and I like it because it's testable anytime you sit down to watch a film.

Anyway, apologies for length but I find this theory very interesting and thought I'd put it out there so everyone can enjoy it.
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 15:58, 38 replies)

Americans only put their dates in the wrong order
to make it look as if they have a large number of very short months. The rationale behind this is currently unknown, but undoubtedly sinister.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Sat 3 Dec 2011, 0:44, 8 replies)

After my first go on an electric cannabis pipe, which is, in essence, an exhaust pipe that exhudes cannabis smoke,
I had a bit of a lie-down.

Enjoying the Sisters Of Mercy's Floodland album, I was deeply impressed with their satirical comments on Christianity: "By the river there's a sheep that will carry you down the river, down stream ... "

Of course! Christ - the lamb of god - is but a sheep - an unquestioning, idiot follower of the god myth! And Christianity will "sell you down the river"!

Quite, quite brilliant - witty, insightful, and wonderfully expressed! No wonder Andrew Eldritch is hailed so highly!

I must tell people this! The next day I was full of excitement about my discovery, and elected to tell everyone about it.

It's "Ship".

It's fucking "Ship", and I am a twat.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 15:51, 16 replies)

An open letter.
Dear Conspiracy Theorists,

Conspiracy theories are just that – theories. When you begin to use facts (actual, real facts) to back them up they start to become more than theories and could possibly attain the status that you think they deserve – i.e. truth. If you continue to ignore facts in favour of your own misguided belief that you alone know better than the vast majority of people, including many experts on the subject, then you will continue to be branded as a nutter.

Please note:

The twin towers were brought down by aeroplanes hitting them. For evidence of this, please refer to the footage of a fucking aeroplane hitting each tower. A big aeroplane, flying very fast and full of fucking jet-fuel. This is enough to bring down a skyscraper, as evidenced by the US National Institute for Standards and Technology ( 1.usa.gov/ieAvGz ), American Society of Civil Engineers (http://bit.ly/twA2oQ) and the UK’s Institution of Structural Engineers ( bit.ly/s0k98s ). The main argument against these reports was presented by a Professor of that World renowned institute for academic excellence, Brigham Young University (entirely funded itself by those luminaries the Jesus Christ Church of Latter Day Saints – better known as the Mormons). His field of expertise? Nuclear Fusion.

The Freemasons are a society of generally well-meaning old men who have a focus on self-improvement, being in the company of friends, a bit of the theatrical, charitable work and some good old-fashioned drinking. The secrets of Masonry have been “unveiled” dozens of times, and never have they been revealed as being a secret world government. There are funny hand-shakes, trouser-rolling, special words and acting out a few stories generally from the Old Testament. Everything that goes on inside a Masonic Temple is available if you look for it, either in a library or just on the internet. The United Grand Lodge of England ( bit.ly/7WCyp2 ) are remarkably free with the information that they provide, and if you don’t want to trust them then look at the hundreds of websites that go into intimate detail about their ritual. Seriously though – it’s actually a little boring if you’re not involved with it yourself. You can also go to the Grand Temple in Great Queen Street for a visit if you wish (it’s free), see where they meet, introduce yourself to some Real Life Freemasons and ask all the questions that your heart desires.

The Bilderberg Group is an invitation only group of politicians and business leaders that meet so that these people can get together and talk freely and informally about the state of business and the economy without fear of it being reported in the press. It was set up with the intention of building international relations in a comparatively informal environment and its tradition of secrecy is why it remains a successful tool for commercial and political discussion.

If you believe that space-reptiles have enslaved humanity using mind-control, then you need to take the tin-foil off your head and get yourself to a psychiatrist. Quickly.

The thing is that if a conspiracy theory were true, we would know about it. If there were a secret cabal of people controlling the world, then don’t you think that somebody involved would’ve blabbed by now? They’re politicians for crying out loud – they can’t even keep their personal dirty laundry out of the media – how do you think they’d keep something like that out of the media? We have government secrets revealed by ministers walking out of 10 Downing Street, the most photographed door in the WORLD, with documents the wrong way round. These people couldn’t keep a secret if their life depended on it.

The fact is that people who believe these things have an inherent desire to believe that they are something special – that they have a special insight into the world that others fail to see. Personally, I feel sorry for them.

The fact is that the world is generally a rational kind of place – Occam’s razor can be applied to many things to explain it. Secrets are hard to keep, people talk and when people have power they make sure that people know about it. That’s what it comes down to. The only real truth is bit.ly/bKEJmU

Regards,

Normal People
( Hunter Stockton was murdered by a bicycle wielding axolotl,.,.,.,., Fri 2 Dec 2011, 11:55, 22 replies)

Richard Dawkins is a secret Christian
There is a hidden message in his book "The God Delusion". By quoting carefully selected words out of context in the correct order, he can demonstrably seen to be saying things like:
"I... believe... in... God";
"I... love... Jesus";
"I... want... to... go... to... Heaven";
"Give... me... more... of... that... communion wine".

It's all there in black and white.
( P-MONKE We're all fucked, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 9:37, 5 replies)

Ronald Reagan's Star Wars defence program
was only about laser defence satellites, in as much as the USA really were building a working replica of the Death Star. They also built a fully functional X-Wing.

How do I know this? There was a Top Trumps deck with detailed stats for all the Star Wars vehicles - if they hadn't built them, how would they know the stats?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 14:53, Reply)

Nasa did not have the technology
to fake the moon landing, the special effects were not up to scratch at the time.

So they cheated, and really did go to the moon!
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Thu 1 Dec 2011, 14:37, 1 reply)

USA entered World War II to prevent Hitler's anti-smoking campaign from succeeding
Nazi doctors were the first to discover the link between smoking and cancer and instead of sitting on the evidence they publicised it. Posters, public health campaigns, bans of smoking indoors etc.

This pissed off the big American tobacco companies enough that they lobbied the US government to enter the war to finish off the European squabble once and for all. The threat of Hitler closing down the huge European markets to cigs couldn't be contemplated.

Here's a sobering stat.

Deaths in World War II: 60 million people.
Death due to cigarettes since WWII: 338 million people.

And yet Hitler is the evil demigod and cigs are still on sale in Tesco.

BTW: I utterly made this conspiracy theory up on the spot. Think it'll catch on?
( rob, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 13:28, 5 replies)

"The Promise" by Girls Aloud has a very cryptic message hidden in it.
This revelation came to me when the song was in the charts, I worked 12-hour shifts and the local radio station was apparently playing it every hour 24/7. My reasoning ran something like this:

* The chorus has a train-like rhythm, "pro-mise-to-me pro-mise-to-me / pro-mise-to-me pro-mise-to-me".
* In Morse code, this is .... / .... / .... / .... (H H H H).
* HHH in World War I era radio signals means "halt".
* The rhythm and the Morse code translation suggest a train moving forward but halting as well. Reversing?
* Where on the rail network, apart from the end of a line, does every single incoming train reverse to leave?
* Castleford.

Therefore, "The Promise" has a hidden message related to Castleford. Buggered if I know what that message is though. Probably something banal like "don't work anywhere where you can't escape from Ridings FM".
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 19:25, 3 replies)

London's BT Tower
Until the mid-1990s, the building was officially a secret, and did not appear on official maps. Its existence was finally "confirmed" by Kate Hoey, MP, on 19 February 1993: "Hon. Members have given examples of seemingly trivial information that remains officially secret. An example that has not been mentioned, but which is so trivial that it is worth mentioning, is the absence of the British Telecom tower from Ordnance Survey maps. I hope that I am covered by parliamentary privilege when I reveal that the British Telecom tower does exist and that its address is 60 Cleveland Street, London."[1]
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 16:16, 14 replies)

Socks. Washing machines.
Need I elaborate?
( P-MONKE We're all fucked, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 11:26, 21 replies)

Rob's binning QOTW after this one.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sun 4 Dec 2011, 20:00, 4 replies)

Light and Retire
Once upon a time in a land far, far away I used to shoot competition pistol. This was years after the UK ban on most weapons following the Dunblane massacre, and we used to get regular visits from the GB squad who couldn’t practice at home. The advantage for us was that in return we got free sessions with the Olympic coaches. Over a few months I got to know on , a huge and softly spoken man we shall call Bob who was an ex-medallist and now helped coach the team. One day we got talking about the gun ban and Bob was remarkably philosophical about it – I was examining the logic of the ban, but he was of the view that the whole thing was a conspiracy, so logical rules didn’t follow. He gave me a short reading list, and from then onwards the matter was closed.

The funny thing is that this particular conspiracy theory comes mostly from the pages of the Cullen Enquiry but the truth is too unpalatable for the victims’ families to face. I’ve often wondered why nobody ever took the controversial step of telling the real story, but while researching this to get my facts right it turns out that somebody did in 2006 – ‘Dunblane Unburied.’ By Sandra Uttley.

I’m not going to ask you to read the report or book, so here’s the gist of it. Guns were banned because of the massacre. They shouldn’t have been; it was a knee jerk reaction – Hamilton (the one who murdered 16 children and an adult) held a gun license, but the at each review the local police had repeatedly requested it be withdrawn. They had been overruled by a senior police officer in each case. The Cullen report reveals that the same senior officer (who retired on grounds of ill health shortly later) would regularly get dropped off for the night at Hamilton’s house by his police driver.

It gets murkier. Hamilton was undoubtedly a paedophile (draw your own conclusions about what he and the copper did on those evenings). However it is unlikely that he ever laid hands on a child – this would surely have come out in the muck-raking. He was a scout master until his warrant was withdrawn for no particular reason, then ran youth groups (Andy Murray went to one). Parents started getting increasingly suspicious. They boycotted his shop, which failed. The council banned him from using their premises without due process. In short he was ostracised for, in his view, nothing, and more importantly without any evidence of wrongdoing. I think Hamilton simply cracked – he tried defending his position by writing letters to everybody, but his appeals were never addressed; in other words he was found guilty without a trial. Everything he loved was being taken away from him and he decided to strike back at the parents in the most horrible way he could. This was a failure of due process, but I’ve often wondered how much guilt the parents feel, because in the cold hard light of day here was a maladjusted individual who had been pushed over the edge by the actions of those same parents. His reactions can’t be condoned, but given the guns in his possession surely somebody should have thought about the ramifications?

This matter became a hugely touchy subject, particularly for the parents themselves. The gun controls were rushed though even though the checks and controls hadn’t failed, (that’s the conspiracy bit) and there’s never been an enquiry into of the Central Scottish Police or the actions of that senior ploice officer.

The Wikipedia page for Dunblane has a history section that fails to even mention the massacre (it’s in the ‘schools’ section bizzarely)
(strongp, Sat 3 Dec 2011, 13:12, 27 replies)

One of the world's biggest paedophile rings
also secretly turns small biscuits into the flesh of dead carpenters and eats them in weekly zombie cannibal orgies. They try not to let this get out in case it damages their kiddy fiddling image and prospects.
(ubergeekian, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 13:25, Reply)

The Chemical Brothers
aren't even brothers. and don't get me started on the Arctic Monkeys.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 12:56, 5 replies)

SARS/Bird Flu

Globe-trotting travellers will remember this. A few years ago, I was passing through Hong-Kong airport. It was a stopping-off point on the way to Oz. A two hour break while they refuelled the plane and swapped pilots.

As you exited the gate and headed for the transit lounge you had to go through a series of body-scanners that were manned by scary looking Asians wearing surgical facemasks. The thing was, these scanners weren't metal detectors - they were heat detectors designed to pick up anyone who was running a temperature. Sure enough, they pulled two pretty blondes from the line and they were whisked away into isolation.

We were told this was protective quarantine to help stop the spread of SARS. I wasn't fooled for a minute. It was obviously just a plot to pick-up hot women.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 23:44, 6 replies)

Poo Shape
When I was quite little, because of the shapes of bums and buttocks I could never quite get my head around why my poo was cylindrical instead of discus shaped. After confiding in my brother I was informed that I must have a malfunctioning bottom.

I believed I was the only one not to have discus shaped poo for quite some time.
( zacherynuk @echo off, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 12:25, 4 replies)

Eleven.
Elven.

Coincidence? I think not.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sat 3 Dec 2011, 20:13, 4 replies)

I have a sneaking suspicion
that the cake is a lie.
( Pig Bodine., Fri 2 Dec 2011, 20:13, 2 replies)

If you read a lot of conspiracy theories
you notice that they all start to sound the same. Anders Breivik says that governments are secretly capitulating to Islam; in the 50s people said the government was secretly capitulating to communism. People say Obama's secretly a Muslim; former American Presidents have been accused of secretly being Catholics.

Almost everything that was said about Princess Diana's death was also said about President Kennedy's death, and for that matter the deaths of 2Pac and Kurt Cobain.

The Illuminati, Freemasons, Jesuits and the British crown keep popping up in conspiracy theories again and again, even in places where the real group can't possibly have any influence or resonance. Lyndon LaRouche claims that the British royal family is behind the American heroin trade. Japanese conspiratists see a Masonic influence on Japanese society.

How can these patterns show up again and again, seemingly in every country and every time? Coincidence? Or something more?

The conclusion is inescapable: conspiracy theories are created and maintained by a worldwide, centuries-old and secret group.

And, er, you should buy my book for $50.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 16:26, 2 replies)

The current government
Are actually hardline right-wingers who don't care in the slightest about the vast majority of the population, and are using the economic crisis as cover to introduce policies which tend towards the furtherment of the interests of a small elite at the expense of dismantling the apparatus of the state and impoverishing millions.

I know it sounds far-fetched, like...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 13:11, 14 replies)

There's no such thing as mongs...
...just kids that really want a free trip to Disneyland.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 17:52, Reply)

The Titanic Conspiracy Theory
I'm not sure I'd say this is my favourite conspiracy theory, as conspiracy theories generally get right on my tits, but as they go it's superficially plausible but completely insane: the Titanic Conspiracy Theory (Titanic as in the famous iceberg-beleagured ocean liner, not as in, "This is a really big conspiracy theory, so big that Huge, Colossal or Gigantic Conspiracy Theory just don't cut it - I know, let's call it the Titanic Conspiracy Theory!"; neither is it anything to do with James Cameron or Lew Grade).

The Titanic was the second vessel in a class of three virtually identical ocean liners, the first in service being the Olympic. In late 1911, the Olympic was involved in an apparently minor collision with a Royal Navy light cruiser, HMS Hawke. The Olympic was withdrawn from service for repairs, which was a financial disaster for her owners, the White Star Line, because not only was Olympic thus not collecting passenger revenue but the completion of the Titanic, still on the stocks, was being delayed because resources were diverted to repairing the Olympic. To make matters worse, a Royal Navy inquiry exonerated HMS Hawke of any blame (almost certainly wrongly), so the likelihood of the White Star Line collecting a fat insurance payout was remote.

The conspiracy goes that the White Star Line secretly switched the Olympic (which had suffered far worse damage than admitted to) and Titanic around during the Olympic's repairs, and planned to sink the damaged Olympic, now re-named Titanic, during her 'maiden' transatlantic voyage, thereby ridding themselves of a damaged liability and collecting on the insurance. There were supposed to be other ships nearby which would rescue all the passengers and crew, but for various reasons it all went tits-up resulting in the disaster we all know and love...

For a number of reasons this theory is, of course, completely fucking bonkers.
(Harry Webshiter Spiggley biggley bog., Thu 1 Dec 2011, 15:57, 6 replies)

Hulk Hogan was responsible for 9/11. I've seen photographic proof on the Main Board
( Pig Bodine., Thu 1 Dec 2011, 13:50, 1 reply)

Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have the same middle name
Coincidence? I think not.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 9:32, 10 replies)