asthma - makes you gay
My mother is of that quaint war time generation who have never quite understood political correctness. Racism or discrimination is bad of course but drawing attention to someone's religion or background then pigeon-holing them along the lines of a 1970s sitcom is order of the day. Examples:

She has nothing against the jews particularly but while growing up every 10th person who appeared on telly was outed by my mother, "he's jewish you know."

Nowadays the obsession is "homosexuals" my mother does not like to call people gay because "they have hijacked that word". As a family we now all play spot the gay and like to point out to mum that "he's a homosexual you know".

Anyway, my sister split up with her husband of 20 years recently and, long story short, he has now in his mid 40s come out as gay and lives with bloke. My mum loves her (ex) son in law so has had a hard time coming to terms with it. She's striving for a reason for it and here it is: son in law has ashtma and has been taking inhalers for 30 years. There's obviously something in them - some sort of hormone - that builds up in your system and turns you into a homosexual. It's true because my gay friend is also asthmatic and on inhalers. I'm not sure she should publish her findings justy yet (but maybe that MMR gives you autism doctor will take up the cudgels!)
(Gusofnavarone always makes a map of france from sarnies, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 8:24, 5 replies)

Life after death.
Where to begin?
The misses phoned me yesterday morning in tears ,saying she just saw our cat Nibblo
run over and killed,well I was gutted to say the least.
So she brings him home in the back of the car he,s a bit fucked up but its him,so anyway I take him up my father in laws allotment and bury him after saying my last goodbyes.

07.30 this morning my son tells me that Nibblo has just walked in through the back door :-O !
Now I have read Pet Sematary by Stephen King and the cat hasn,t been gone for 24 hours for ages ,I,m freaked. Anyway it is Nibblo.
Now I got to find out whos cat I,ve buried.
(andycrass loves two hats on, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 8:04, 1 reply)

Global warning is a load of bollocks
A volcanic eruption releases more 'global warming' gas than the human race ever has.

If you dig a hole to make a hill, you haven't created or destroyed anything, you've just moved some muck about. In the same way, taking some hydrocarbons out of the ground and burning them isn't detrimental to the planet.

The worst we can do us make the planet inhabitable to humans. Once we are extinct the planet will continue doing what it has done for millions of years

Edit: a comet could do a much more efficient job of it at any moment.

It's niave to think we can destroy the planet that created us
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 8:02, 4 replies)

Joey Deacon wasn't really disabled.
He was just a proper lazy cunt.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 7:57, 3 replies)

Just a little prick....
Francine was a bitch. She was a real, stone cold, harsh harridan of a woman. She treated everyone she knew, especially those she (thought she) loved as tho they were a piece of dogshit she'd inadvertently stepped in and needed to scrape off her shoe.
Her glass wasn't half empty - it was the dregs of last nights beer with a cigarette butt someone had stubbed out in it.

There was some conjecture amongst Francine's family and acquaintances as to why she was the way she was. The consensus was that Francine was the wrong gender. And this frustrated her which in turn made her fairly difficult to live with.
She was a large woman who dressed in work shirts, shorts or pants and work boots. Even formally.
Altho she didn't call herself a lesbian she only had sex with women. Apparently she hated having her breasts or genitals touched, preferring instead to strap on a dildo and fuck her (infrequent) partners with it till she collapsed on top of them.
She even often introduced herself as "Frank".

One day about 5 years ago Francine won the lottery. It wasn't hundreds of millions of dollars but it was a modest amount, large enough for her to pay off her mortgage, have a nice holiday and realise her dream.
To finally become a man.
She had a number of surgical procedures including a double mastectomy, hysterectomy and went thru numerous hormonal treatments including taking lots of testosterone.
As you can imagine there is a lot of paperwork involved in changing from a woman to a man - for the doctors, the counsellors and the person undergoing the procedure. As the rules and legislation have changed over time there have been many additions to the paperwork involved. Including addendums placed within folders of existing documents.
Francine had to read & fill all of them out fairly carefully and contentiously. For the most part she didn't skip a word but sometimes it was just all too much. Particularly when she was tired and just wanted to go bowling, fishing or just have a beer with the blokes from work.

Finally the day came - when she would have the surgery that would turn her vagina inside out and the surgeons would place a small bladder connected to a pump inside the skin, move her clitoris to where the "head" of her new penis would be and set her up to be a man.
Her final instructions to the surgeons before going under were - "I want to be big. Give me a large cock so I can fuck those bitches good and hard."
After a week they took his dressings off and he got to see their handiwork.

Frank was looking down at a shrivelled 2" dick. "What. The. Fuck!" he shouted in his newly found low brogue. The nurses pointed out that once he "pumped it up" with an attachable lead and handpump it would nearly double in size.
"Well what the fuck am I supposed to do with a 4" cock?" Frank bawled.
"It's all there in the paperwork." said the matron in charge. "In the 'Vaginal to Penile Conversion Procedure; Addendum II'. You may know it by it's colloquial name."
"Where?" demanded Frank, "Show me."
Frank's large folder of paperwork was found and delivered to the nurses station. The matron brought it to him.
"Here you are." she said. "As I told you you might know the document by it's slang name..."

And there it was in black and white, in front of Frank -
'Cunt Reversal, "B" Leaf' - Actual Results May Vary.

EDIT: Before anyone asks, yes I was listening to the "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" soundtrack when I wrote this.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 26 Apr 2013, 5:47, 4 replies)

"What's for you'll no' go by you" so they say.
Tell that to Prince Charles.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 4:22, 2 replies)

Somebody's nan
used to go around screwing light bulbs into empty sockets to stop the electricity leaking out.
So I'm told.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 2:40, 3 replies)

FIRRIB
Or, as I maintain, FIBRIR
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 1:45, 3 replies)

Angelina Jolie munts
she munts hard and she munts strong.
(woocfot friends with Sacha Distel, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 1:32, 5 replies)

Unbeliever!!!
I used to know a guy called Phillip.
Phillip was a fairly normal guy, we went to school with each other and kept in touch after school as we went about our lives doing the "growing up" stuff.
He was raised mostly happily by both his parents and got on fairly well with his older sister. He didn't really go in for drinking, philandering or any real law-breaking type activities (that I knew of). The only real blip on the "Slightly Different" radar was that his parents were members of a church that held some beliefs that were not always run-of-the-mill. Phil was a member of this church too and truth be told was probably far more adherent to it's strictures than his parents.
One of these strongly held beliefs was that modern medicine was a sham, a device controlled by the devil to thwart God's will. The church believed (very strongly) that the only way to cure a serious illness was thru the power of prayer and that if that failed then it was simply God's Will.

Anyhoo...
Phillip met a nice girl, Janene at uni, they married and after Phil had been quite strict about pre-marital sex Janene managed to pop their son Digby out about 10 months after the wedding. Digby seemed like a fairly normal bub. Of course he was born at home safely with the aid of a church sanctioned mid-wife and received no immunisations whatsoever. Janene didn't share Phil's beliefs as strongly (she had to convert to get married) but she was prepared to toe the line because she loved her hubby.
That was until Janene noticed one day that Digby had a fairly bad sniffle. He felt hot and was clearly in a lot of discomfort. Now before she met Phil, Janene had been a 3rd Year Vet. student, so she knew enough that this was serious. Weighing up her husbands beliefs against the health of their child she made a choice and took him to the local emegency room. Where her hubby called her, found out where she was, turned up and in the midst of castigating her and accusing her and the hospital staff of being agents for the Devil took his son away and left the hospital. Despite them trying desperately to convince him that his infant son probably had meningococcal meningitis (they hadn't yet had a chance to test) and that with treatment he could easily survive and flourish. All of which fell on deaf ears.

Apparently Digby died in Phil's arms a couple of days later. Due to God's Will.
Janene never really forgave Phil and a few months later told him exactly where he could stick his fucking beliefs as she packed her bags. Even Phil's parents expressed their disgust at the fact that he had allowed their grandson to die a slow, agonising death simply because someone had preached to Phil long ago that medicine was evil.
Phil stood steadfastly by his church and their beliefs, sometimes one of the congregation would feel sad for him and try to console him with the thought that his son rather than being raised by a pair of loving parents was now throughly ensconced in the bosom of the very being that had brought about his horrible death in the first place.

Last year Phil was diagnosed with Stage 3 Pancreatic Cancer. Which of course is a test of his faith in God by Satan. He was diagnosed after he was involved in a car accident (God's Will) where he sustained some head injuries (a test of faith) and spent sometime in hospital ncm. As soon as he was awake and upright he was out of there - being nurtured & given strength by The Lord Our Father.

I'm going to toast Phil at his grave. Toast him and his pointless beliefs that brought him more suffering than any demon of Hell could possibly dole out.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 26 Apr 2013, 0:12, 10 replies)

Fridge magnets
You'll not find a single one on my Mom's fridge.

She believes fridge magnets are designed to drain the power and in turn make your electricity bill higher.
(durtydriscoll, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 0:11, 1 reply)

This is a brilliant question.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 0:08, 3 replies)

Islam

( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 23:41, 9 replies)

The Moon Landing
We in-fact, DID land on the moon. Sadly lots of people I know, don't believe me, even though, you can see the fucking lander base up there, the rovers, and the frigging footprints.

Cheers Capricorn One! Cheers.
(yeswehavenopasties, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 23:40, 3 replies)

JFK was shot by Lee Harvey Oswald.
Oliver Stone is a wanker.
(woocfot friends with Sacha Distel, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 23:23, 3 replies)

Mark Chapman did the world a favour. Imagine? Imagine if Lennon had lived.
All those cunts that worship Lennon don't ever bother to stop and think what it would have been like if he had.
And I don't mean hilariously crippled like Superman, I mean if he hadn't been shot AT ALL.
It'd be TWICE as bad as it is now with Paul McFucknutCarthy.
He'd be advertising shit all the time like Johnny Rotten with his butter and Iggy CUNTING Pop with his fucking car insurance. And you KNOW there'd be xmas records. Oh fuck, just thinking about the xmas records he'd release makes me want to PUKE. Just imagine it, an xmas record EVERY FUCKING YEAR, like Cliff fuck-knuckle Richard, only WORSE. because he'd have to have his ghastly harridan of a wifebeast wailing along in the background on them all too.
Mark Chapman should have been given a fucking MEDAL for sparing us all that.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 25 Apr 2013, 22:16, 18 replies)

The Beatles were crap.
And John Lennon's "Imagine" is a pile of steaming shit.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 22:10, 5 replies)

Poor people are a right fucking pain in the arse.
But apparently we have to keep feeding them and letting them breed like flies on a turd.

The ironically amusing bit is that the churches of the world are constantly trying to convert the poor and sign them up when it should be patently obvious to a believer that god hates the poor.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 21:55, 5 replies)

An IQ test before you're allowed on the electoral roll.

( Araucaria is such a tit, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 20:39, 5 replies)

Grey Aliens Accelerated In Time
When shadows are long in the evening, a friend of 12 years acquaintance (who's been homeless most of that time) vouchsafes a revelation he received back when he was a soldier and escorted to a military base in the desert, blindfolded prior to entry, and blindfold removed when deep underground. Apparently, there are grey aliens all about us, flitting here and there, but who operate on a different time scale than humans do. We can't see them because they move too fast.

I nod gravely, but I remember Star Trek too: www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbf8izD_tRU
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 20:34, Reply)

I believe that the biggest problem facing the world is not overpopulation, war, religion, global warming, asylum-seekers taking our jobs, the imminent water crisis or the misuse of apostrophe's
It is that people, by and large, are awful. Stupid and awful. We are simply not up to the job of managing a planet, and will always behave in a stupid and awful way becuase this is our nature. You may not think that you personally are stupid and awful, but this is another of the many stupid and awful things about you and everyone else.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 20:19, 4 replies)

I believe...
...that life without chocolate biscuits is not worth living.
(Woofie, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 19:47, 2 replies)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1523177
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 19:35, 2 replies)

Philosophers are essentially people who wanted to be academic but weren't bright enough to be mathematicians, too lazy to study medicine and too cowardly to become religious.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 19:29, 7 replies)

I've met David Icke a few times over the years.
He comes across as quite an informed and sane person.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 19:29, 7 replies)

Send 'em all back.
Here in Canada there is a constant high-pitched whining noise* made by people complaining about natives (or First Nations as we must call them) getting something for nothing and how they are lazy, good for nothing drunkards who are swindling honest taxpayers out of millions every year.

Pointing out that it is the whiteys who are the bad guys here and although we shouldn't feel guilty for the deeds of our ancestors, we should acknowledge that the native population was cheated and abused into the corner they now find themselves in is met with incredulity.

Often I'll hear a "send 'em all back" sentiment expressed in relation to immigrants and asylum seekers too - from the same people.

The Canadian health-care system with its policy of irony bypasses for all is a travesty.

* Not unlike the mosquitoes of summer.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 19:20, 3 replies)

If you're against racism, you're basically saying you're opposed to white people.
Which is racist.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 18:13, 2 replies)

Apparently, our local UKIP candidate can't be a racist, because his wife is French.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 18:01, 17 replies)