The fox who screams in my garden at three in the morning, every night
The advice on the RSPCA website is quite blunt:

"During the mating season, it may be worth considering the use of ear plugs if the howling disturbs you."

Basically, there's fuck all you can do about it
( Harpago ¯\(°_o)/¯, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 10:50, 53 replies)

Try killing it.
And then follow that up with denial of killing it.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 10:52, closed)

just have sex with the fox, problem solved

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 10:59, closed)

or this

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 11:23, closed)

Why not just get Bryan Ferry's twat of a son to come round and bore it to death
with tales of chokey and how his grandad was a coal miner? And how the countryside's gone to ruin since they stopped him protesting in the House of (very) Commons. Should be about three minutes before the poor fox is begging for a lift to the station.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 19:10, closed)

why rely on advice from a bunch of animal fwuffy woowoo merchants?
Just shoot the annoying vermin.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 11:22, closed)

This has been going on for ages
and is beginning to effect me, so it probably is about time the wretched thing was put down. They are still classified as vermin aren't they?
( Harpago ¯\(°_o)/¯, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 11:28, closed)

Have you tried urine yet?
Have a few jimmys around the garden - they hate it. Worked for me.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 11:36, closed)

^piss stinks like a randy fox^

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 11:38, closed)

^ piss ^
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:04, closed)

^ upset
at something
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:06, closed)

ryvita crumbs in her maiden's midden

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:10, closed)

*writhes*

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:32, closed)

no idea
there's millions of them so you're on to a loser ... but you'll have a momentary satisfaction and quenching of your blood lust
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 11:38, closed)

pile of sand in the garden, night scope, crossbow - sorted.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 11:41, closed)

I wouldn't do anything until it starts to affect you.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 11:59, closed)

The royal society for the protection of animals
are definitely the best people to get advice about pest control from.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 11:29, closed)

Do you mean the
Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals?
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 11:43, closed)

belms
what a retard - I hold my hands up to that
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 11:45, closed)

If you stuff the earplugs up the vixen, they're 100% effective.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 11:43, closed)

isn't it the vixens that make the awful mewling noise when they've got something stuffed up them?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 11:46, closed)

Think so, yeah, but I'm guessing that earplugs wouldn't get their rocks off. That said, I've not tried it. My estimate of 100% efficacy may be optimistic.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 11:52, closed)

Get one of the
mods to try it out.
(username failed moderation, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 14:09, closed)

don't they have barbed cocks?
or is that just cats? don't really want to google that at work to see if it's an urban myth, so you do it, yeah?

cheers.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:05, closed)

they get dog-locked when they're fucking
but I think the screaming is because they just really really like to fuck
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:15, closed)

you must have some sexy sexy cats
the ones near me just look bored all the time
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:31, closed)

Have you tried spicing things up a bit for them?

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:40, closed)

I think they have the standard-issue dog "lipstick", with a bulb at the base that engorges and prevents withdrawal. But I'm not googling it either.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:31, closed)

Well - except shooting it and nailing it's head to the gate.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:03, closed)

This is what happens when you ban hunting with hounds.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:18, closed)

I'm not sure that's a practical control method for urban foxes.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:23, closed)

there are urban street hunters
who go after foxes with bats and things.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:32, closed)

They're so noble and glorious!

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:35, closed)

whole new levels of unspeakable pursuing uneatable

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:37, closed)

Just waaay more fashionable.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:45, closed)

How do you train a bat to take down a fox?
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:40, closed)

Maybe put a little harness on it?
And a bomb.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:41, closed)

*wants*

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:45, closed)

fuck yeah
you fly in there and get me a seat on the tube, pretty one
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:47, closed)

Alright "Mohammed Sidique Khan".

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:53, closed)

bindun, in wwii by the Yanks
amusingly burnt a lot of their own base during testing....
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 15:00, closed)

Might be a bit tricky where I live given it's the middle of a city

( Harpago ¯\(°_o)/¯, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:37, closed)

Just stop fucking the fox every night, you fox-molesting Mod cunt.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 14 Aug 2014, 12:25, closed)

You could just watch and wank
like the rest of us.
( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 13:34, closed)

I can only do that if I close my eyes and pretend it's a baby crying.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 13:45, closed)

How can you watch if your eyes are closed?

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 13:56, closed)

STOP BULLYING ME!!!

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 14:19, closed)

One of my neighbours has a fucking cat
that keeps shitting in my garden. I don;t know which one it is, it's a stealthy little bastard.

We put pepper down where it shits, and it just goes and shits somewhere else. Every fucking night.

I quite like cats, I might even by daylight unwittingly have given the offending mog a tickle under the chin, but I have to say we're getting to the wait behind the door with an air rifle stage now.
(username failed moderation, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 16:01, closed)

It's a territory thing.
Cats bury their turds if they do them somewhere they consider to be outside their territory, so as to avoid potentially dangerous confrontation. This cat has obviously established that your garden is his territory as nothing else is shitting there so brazenly.

Solution: send it a message by shitting in your garden yourself.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 14 Aug 2014, 17:24, closed)