Bainsburys scotch eggs
Never. Never, never.
Never, buy Bainsburys Scotch eggs from the deli, which have been reduced to 10p.
No details, sorry.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Sat 29 Sep 2007, 13:55, Reply)

Not me but...
I have, or rather had (as I finished school yesterday) a physics teacher who during uni holidays worked in a pulp mill in his native canada. anyway, among many stories he told us my favourite is this:
Often employees would be drunk, the day was split into two 12 hour shifts for every job and so people would be very bored and just having to operate machinery or similar would not stop someone from getting on the drink. So one day this forklift driver is moving some stuff from a pier into a warehouse and he is drunk which is the major reason why he ends up driving off the pier into the drink. he isn't hurt, and walks off wet to tell the manager what he has done. the manager is his usual calm self, but organises for some divers and a crane to fish out the forklift. the next day the crane is there and the divers go down under orders to hook the crane onto the forklift. they come back up after only being down for 30 seconds or so, asking which forlift they should hook it onto, as there are three to choose from.
(woo who?, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 13:01, Reply)

Dodgy bar.
Ever worked in a dodgy bar? I have, and it's wonderful. This place had no dirty trade secrets to speak of, it was just one big dirt. Not unhygienic, the pipes were probably the cleanest in Britain so me and my manager/mate could get free pints twice or thrice a week and write it off as wastage.

No, it was more the sort of place where you would find the occasional abandoned weapon down the side of the sofa, where opening hours did't apply because nobody would be caught dead in there during the day. We used to open after the clubs had closed, that was the only time anybody had any interest in the place. We would invite the dj or whoever back after the set, and get him to announce to the club we were having a lock in. How we got away with it is a mystery to me.

One of the few times we actually had legitimate customers wine was requested, so I was sent to the local offy to get the cheapest plonk I could find. Decanted into a superior bottle, the poor sap was none the wiser.

The bar owner also used to smoke crack in the back, but thats another story.
( Hellzapoppin, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 12:26, Reply)

Finger lickin' good.
While in between IT contracts and needing to keep money coming in I got a job as a cook at KFC. I'd worked for McD's before and that place was ok. Crap job but the place was organised and there was not that much to go wrong and ending up serving shit. (no need to fish buns out of the bin, it takes 20 seconds to toast another).

I did a couple of weeks training at a main branch where we were shown how to cook chicken. KFC have discovered that it is much cheaper to get chicken pieces that still have guts and half digested chicken
feed and stuff in. They don't come pre-prepared and they are done on site. The first thing you need to do is gut the chicken pieces. Most of it has been removed but you need to know the pockets where there are still guts. You then need to bread the chicken and shove it in a deep fat pressure cooker. Herein lies the problem. I know at least one of the people working there cooked the chicken without cleaning it of guts first. This is enough to put most people off but it gets worse. When I finished the main branch stuff I was sent to the place that needed the workers (Southampton, under a certain flyover). The woman that managed it had a serious inferiority complex and treated all the staff like primary school children. She went apeshit if someone there so much as swore under their breath bearing in mind that fast food kitchens are powered by vast amounts of creative swearing, southpark and cannabis. She couldn't run the place at all. She put all her staff on selling chicken and none for actually cooking it so the kitchen staff had to go flat out all the time and had no time to clean anything as they went along. The white tile floor of the walk in fridge was totally black. There were crates of chicken left all over the kitchen as the cooks had no time to go into the fridge to get more. The place stank of rotting poultry and I nearly blew chunks several times on the first day there. The break room was full of rubbish and stank. The manager also had a mission statement pinned to the wall that actually stated that her management style was to respect the staff. This was the last insult. Myself and several other cooks all decided to no-show on a busy bank holiday and never came back. Later I get an IT contract at the KFC head office and grass up the manager something rotten. It was worth losing my flat to quit that place. I found out later that the local ambulance station was using the drive through and the paras went down with food poisoning afterwards. They tried to get this branch shut down several times but somehow narrowly avoided it (backhanders). Length? A month too long.
(ME-tan, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 12:17, Reply)

Garlic never goes off.
Yes, thats what the grocery manager of a famous walmart supermarket that shall remain nameless told me when he found a whole crate that was out by a month in the warehouse.

It was muggins here that had to empty the dried out husks of garlic into containers to be presented to the general public as loose 'fresh' goods. I feel so dirty.
( Hellzapoppin, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 12:10, Reply)

Green Cheese Again
Once upon a time I worked for a big UK supermarket chain, we'll call them Bainsbury's if you like.
One fine day I got sent down to the deli area to help with the cheese.
This involved collecting up all the slabs past their sell by date, taking a slice off each side, and repackaging the cheese with a new sell by date a month in advance. We were encouraged to take a piece off for ourselves in the process, probably as a form of simple quality control. Always tasted fine to me, but now you know where all those small blocks of cheese come from.
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 12:01, Reply)

Milk is practically alive...
Like Olembe, I worked for a large dairy. I wasn't a big fan of milk to begin with, I feel my stomach is telling me something ain't quite right when I drink it. I worked in the lab testing samples of every batch of cartons, bottles and polybottles that came off the line.

You'd do a rake of chemical tests on the ones about to be sent out. Any problems would be shown up by it having the wrong freeze point, fat content, etc. The offending batch could be removed.

But the biological tests? You'd stick a sample in a petri dish with some agar, and leave it in the fridge for three days. By now the milk had already gone out to supermarkets. After three days, a dodgy batch would have colonies of bacteria easily visible - no microscope. So those batches get recalled, having already been on sale. I saw this happen many times.

Particular lines were a problem, usually a glass bottle one. Apparently corner joints of pipes delivering the milk to the receptical get pretty mucky. Since we provided to most of the major supermarkets, I could identify which milk came from which line in the shop and avoid accordingly.

BTW - milk is cleaned by having a hydrogren-peroxide solution passed through it. It's called Oxonia and it's deadly stuff. Part of the chemical tests on the outgoing milk involved detecting it, and I only did so once. You get to shout "Oxonia on the line!" and all hell breaks loose until it's fixed. I makes me smile when I see adverts for this "twice-filtered milk", probably had it satured in deadly chemicals twice
(Cryptoprocta has abandoned the username of Voodoo Mary, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 11:27, Reply)

Fashion
I club baby seals on the head with a big stick in the Arctic and harvest their skins for coats and hats and stuff but, and don't tell anyone this, if its particularly cold, we just stay on the boat and say we couldn't find any seals. The deception sickens me.
(Rich T has a clever and witty sig, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 11:06, Reply)

helicopter pilots...
...tell customers that the heaviest people have to go in the back of the machine for centre of gravity issues (this is partially true), so the boyfriend gets in the back and the chicky babe in the short skirt sits up front.

We then use our immaculately polished instrument glass to look up her skirt.
(bellboy last hit the tit on, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 10:48, Reply)

prostitutes!
I know someone who used to be a sex worker in a legalised brothel. One of the conditions of working at this establishment was a thorough sex exam and std check every 3 months, to ensure the highest amounts of safety for clients is upheld blah blah blah

I know for a fact that none of these workers were thoroughly tested for STDs and upon visiting their "doctor" all they got were questions about how many accidents (i.e. ripped condoms) had happened and whether they were using condoms for oral sex. All they had to do was say none and yes and their certificate would be written out.

Disgusting? Yes. All the more reason not to visit hookers.
(brotagaia, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 10:08, Reply)

I Write 10 Mile Long Swears...
I work in cartography making maps for the Rural Fire Brigade. I am able to decide what roads need to be added to the map. So if you ever see any maps with roads that spell TITS or WANK, you're probably looking at my work
(GSM, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 8:48, Reply)

anti-cellulite creams are rubbish
I worked in the cosmetics industry in Australia, for a large, snooty and rather expensive department store that rhymes with "David Bones". I was the only straight guy at the head office, it was insanely fun going to cosmetics launches and being surrounded by beautiful women, but it's all smoke and mirrors. A couple of years ago one of the multinational cosmetics brands we sell was caught using a 12 year old boy in their Australian TV commercials for anti-cellulite cream. Any close-up shots of ladies' bottoms where you can't see their front or face? That's a 12yo boy's firm wrinkle-free botty. Even wafer thin models weren't good enough. Take heart ladies.
(Bungo wombling free in Melbourne, Australia, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 7:57, Reply)

Watchdog
Nicky Campbell is paid £30,000 a month to present one film a week and one studio a week.
Julia Bradbury is paid £3,000 a month to do the same.
The other one, the one who looks like June Whitfield, is paid about £2,000.

Amazing how much more you get paid if you're a) a man and b) a fucking ubercunt.

What makes this even worse is that everyone hates Nicky, whereas Julia is one of the sweetest and nicest presenters in television.
(helmsdeep, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 7:46, Reply)

What to do with old Pizza
I used to work in a Deli back in High School. We sold miniature pizzas with just cheese on them. When they got old and the cheese was no longer quite the proper colour, we'd slice some pepperoni and cover the cheese. Presto - pepperoni pizza - more taste, less green (old cheese) and more money.
(BigAl, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 6:21, Reply)

credit is evil
The department store I used to work at (rhymes with "Gacy's") provides all sorts of discounts and coupon offers and other perks to people as long as they pay with their store credit card. What they don't say is that the store's parent company also owns the bank that processes said credit card transactions, so they make money off you when you buy stuff, and when you pay their 21% interest charges. Ouch.
( cynfulcynner ...another American nutter, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 5:01, Reply)

I used to sell expensive jewelry to people who could least afford it
Diamonds are not as rare and valuable as they are made out to be. One company has a near-monopoly on the business and they deliberately keep supplies scarce so prices stay high.

And paying full retail for *anything* at our store (name rhymes with "Gacy's") is totally retarded.
( cynfulcynner ...another American nutter, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 4:57, Reply)

clockworkkillbot
no landlords in a pub, they be publicans or licensee's.

Also, every staff member will be taking a cut of the tab for a tip.
(loki lie smith kiss me til I'm in a coma, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 3:44, Reply)

Meat factory.
I once worked in a meat processing/slicing factory. Trust me, it's shit. It's cold, it's wet and it fucking stinks. Anyway, I digress...

One particular day we were making up an order for some "bootiful" turkey slices.
Problem? No turkey in the warehouse. But! We did have a lot of chicken, already sliced. Oh, and out of date.
So, we opened the packs, re-packed them, and re-labelled them as turkey, with a brand new date on them.

To be honest I have so many of these stories I don't know where to start, but if I give you one piece of advice in life - Don't eat processed meat, FFS.
(UXB you said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 2:41, Reply)

When I worked in Housekeeping
We never did anything, really. We'd finish shining the toilets with the face towel (even in new rooms), wouldn't change the sheets if we got away with smoothing them (again with new guests), use people's expensive moisturiser and stuff. Went through the drawers, nosied around laptops.

This was a five-star hotel.
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 0:59, Reply)

Supermarkets and credit cards
I used to work for a computer company that fixed tills for a lot of major supermarkets. One store who shall remain nameless has "mobile tills" that are basically a 10-item-or-less till on a trolley with a pair of car batteries. They talk back to the store using a 64-bit WEP key, which is the same for every store in the UK.

I mean, they could at least use 128-bit keys. Every Little Helps, after all.
(gordonjcp, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 23:35, Reply)

I teach English..
.. my dirty secret is that I never tell students when I'm wrong.

I'm so wicked.
(xxxxxxxx xxxx, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 23:21, Reply)

Petrol stations
So back when I worked in a petrol station we got this advisory... "Mustn't use mobile phones when filling up as it could cause a fire" etc...

That's actually complete crap. And yet people believe it to this day. The REAL reason for that has nothing to do with safety, and EVERYTHING to do with the fact they're worried the signals will make the pump go "Petrol? What petrol?" as it fills your car. Just like certain brands of pump did back when CB Radio was popular. If you keyed the mike on a certain channel next to one of these pumps, you got free petrol.
(Bonedwarf is the size of a lemon, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 22:50, Reply)

Smirnoff Booze
Everytime you get your grubby mitts on a litre bottle of Smirnoff, take a knife and cut the red collar left around the bottle neck after you have cracked the cap off. You will see three letters. If the three lettrs have a full stop afer them, then thats one i spat in.
Try it, I shit you not!

/diageo
( Wingnutt razzle dazzle my fantasmagazzle, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 22:41, Reply)

easy money
poor sub primers no sooner get a mortgage whey hey!! than they are in for a second charge (beer and chips most likely)when they get knocked back for not enough LTV in the property Loan to value that is they go and get for want of a better word a re-valuation that just happens to meet the loan (how the f**K)and start on the slippery slope back to zero credit rating. well a fee is a fee, surveyors look to your laurels a storm is a coming.
(gerryfish, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 22:25, Reply)

carpet right madness
There's one born every second.
Every time Carpet Right have a 'sale' thousands of people from across the country, rush to their local store and grab a 'bargain'.
What people don't realize is that they are conning bastards!
I work for a large Carpet wholesaler and in our shop outlets we do a lot of the same carpets as their 'sale' items.
They basically take our shop price, add 90% and then take the 50% off.
When you also consider the fact that they are a national company as well, them brothers are laughing.

Sorry for un-funnyness but the truth needs to be out there.

*Prays to Google*
( XLVII .uk, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 21:53, Reply)

At my last job
I would only answer the phone if i was literally doing nothing but breathing, even then I regretted it.

If someone asked for the boss I would tell them he's out on site because that got rid of you, half the time he was just busy and I was supposed to be taking messages. If you tried to speak to him by saying "it's important" I automatically stopped listening and wrote nothing down. Some days I conveniently forgot to even bother picking up the cordless phone from the other room.

Note: I left to go back to uni, I wasn't sacked.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 21:42, Reply)

I have been a DJ in a London Nightclub....
..for the past 2 years. What the drunken hoards of braying, chasm gobbed tossers who frequent the emporium have yet to spot is whilst they're gyrating around the dancefloor like they're on fire, the priapic men gawping at scantily clad girls hoping to push a finger in their fetid mimsys, and the girls, wearing make-up they put on with a shotgun, I am playing the same track over and over again,
just at different speeds.

They dont seem to notice, provided I'm up in the tower, boucing in time to the rhythm, with one of my headphone cans pressed up to my ear, looking like I know what I'm doing.

And I get a bloody big wadge of cash for my troubles.

I might release a "Club Anthems" album in time for Christmas, based on my club work. I wonder what colour Mercedes McLaren I'll buy?
(Vic Flange, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 21:39, Reply)

Dahling!
I work in fashion and all the people i deal with tend to be coked up, bordeline anorexic, vacuous, narcissistic freaks. Sorry, not much of a secret, I suppose?

Re-reading that, it implies that I am also one of the above. Which is untrue. I'm a size 12.
(mookroolz, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 21:26, Reply)

ROHS
every electronics company that I work for with any sense, has bought as much leaded solder as possible, before the deadly unleaded deadline arrived
the exemptions are military and aerospace, what does that tell you about how wonderful and reliable the replacement is?

it doesn`t work. when people like Sony are having serious problems with pro gear and contacts not reliable anymore?
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 21:01, Reply)

Dirty Trade Secrets...
Charging £100 for a washer and some duck tape! Ill find you you bastard plumber!
(iydlibm ...If I Am Online Here, I Am Definatly Bored..., Fri 28 Sep 2007, 20:48, Reply)