One more magazine one...
If you're speaking to an advertising sales executive, and they say something is their final offer, and they really cannot go lower than that, they're lying. They can always go lower. There will always be space for advertising in a magazine; half the time you have space left over before going to press, so you just repeat an old advert from a recent issue, for free.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 17:06, Reply)

we're not ALL playing mindgames you know -
- some of us aren't that clever. Mr happylittletulip is very pleased when things along the following lines happen because it means his bollocking is over in less time than the half-time break, he understands what is happening and can therefore remedy it quickly and nicely and everything is lovely again.
So the upshot is that I get my own way all the time and he doesn't even mind.

Him: What's wrong?

Me(crossly): You've really annoyed me.

Him: Oh. How?

Me: I cooked and you haven't washed up. It's really unfair. I always wash up when you cook. Please go and do it.

Him (all naughty little boy): All right. Sorry. I love you.

Me (appeased and imperious): And buy me some flowers as well.

Him: Ok. Would you like pink ones.

Me (utterly won over now): Yes. What a good boyfriend you are.

Him (all manly and proud): I know. Let's go and have sex.

Me: OK then. But do the washing up first.


Have just re-read above and am not entirely sure now who wins. Hmm.

Click I Like This if it's me.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 17:02, Reply)

friday phone tennis
In my office on a Friday afternoon we are generally besieged by cold callers selling various crap, anything from mobiles to bog rolls.

Anyhoo, nothing gives us more pleasure on a Friday than a game of phone tennis. The rules are simple: when someone asks, for example, to speak to the person responsible for ordering your paper clips. (like we have a whole department for that) you pass them over to another chap in the office.
Unfortunately you have accidentally transferred them to the wrong department. Much fun ensues:

caller: can you put me through to the person that deals with paper clip ordering please?

me: oh yes no problem. (leave them on hold for one minute and transfer them to the person sitting two feet away from me. (rob)

rob: hello, canteen.

caller: oh, I need to speak to the paper clip ordering department.

rob: we don't have any need for paper clips in the canteen love. Although we do recommend a staple diet! I'll just transfer you. (leave on hold for a minute first though to ensure maximum hilarity)

me: (in strong pakistani accent) Ello, delivewies how may I be helping you.

Caller: Can I be put through to the person who......

repeat until it is time to go home. The record is 9 or ten transfers, with at least 4 counts of casual racism.

have fun with it.
(SPLUFFMYPANTS, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 17:02, Reply)

final, final note
another dirty secret from the MOD.
getting on to army/RAF/Navy bases is easy, just have large breasts and walk in holding on to a pissed up squaddie. The bloke on the gate will be so pissed off with working on a weekend and happy to see your chestage that he'll wave you in. To make sure of the deal be carrying a kebab/ pizza which "you just can't finish" and offer it to him.
Shhh don't tell the Taliban
BTW
I am not a raving mysogynist, just had a few bad ones. Last long term was a peach but I was a tosser.

another secret is I must really must learn to read as it turns out what I thought was my reporting date is my deployment date!! Joy. Two weeks of freedom to go!!!
by the way ms swipe I used to know a woman that charged by every six minutes, always felt cheated by about 4mins 30, ish
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Fri 28 Sep 2007, 16:53, Reply)

Monitoring Internet Usage
Back in the early days of the web, there weren't the fancy filtering boxes to stop people skiving off surfing porn... so I did some rudimentary blocking in the Apache config file.

I would also check on the log and other means to see what requests were being made - and (for what it's worth, this was at the New South Wales Department of Transport, back in 1999 / 2000) I noticed one internal address going to "www.preggysex.com". I check up to see who it was - the main public relations person in the Department.

I couldn't look at him without almost bursting into laughter.
(Maclir, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 16:51, Reply)

One final note...
No, I don't think that all women are mentalist harpies, just some that I've been in relationships with. (And only a few of those, thank bog.) But I have indeed noted that an awful lot of women do these horrid little mental games to some degree- so maybe, just maybe, publically pointing out the ramifications of such games will wake some of them up and help them see how they're shooting themselves in the arse.

And really, it was keeping in the spirit of the QOTW- the trade secrets of being male.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 28 Sep 2007, 16:38, Reply)

TV conivings
used to work for Mersey Television a few years back, makers of Hollyoaks etc. and i actually took part in some competion rigging of my own there. they had this phone in competion to win a date with some Hollyoaks members, one of each sex.
only once we had got the correct entries in, we went through the list to choose 2 people , incase we got 'any weirdo's' meeting up with their stars. so had to choose 2 from the local area who sounded normal.

also they did a comedy program for up and coming stand up comedy stars, so you would get a few that were really terrible and didn't get a laugh, but to make it worse they would dub on people booing them off the stage.
(salleyman, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 16:35, Reply)

Wanking Bulls
Sadly not my own profession; DEFRA have a database of bull semen which they collect from all UK bulls every three months. What they need this for is anybodies guess, but I met somebody who knew the woman who's job it was to collect the samples - unbelievable as this sounds, her job is to travel around England and wank bulls off.

Apparently, she has trouble keeping boyfriends...

Well. It made me feel dirty.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 16:29, Reply)

My dirty little secret at work
Mr Loons comments have chilled me as I have just become engaged and fear my woman going mental (as they so often do - learn to communicate ladies - it works just like More magazine said it would!). Fortunately I work in a lab so I can dose her to the eyeballs whenever she tells me "nothings wrong". My access to chemicals has allowed me to offset almost any risk of confrontation at the price of a slight glazing in her beautiful angel like eyes. Thats whats going on behind the scenes where I work. I was working on some gubbins to wipe her memory too but it tastes horrible and you only get a 20 minute window. and it might mongify her - which is a worst case scenario. Saving it for the day I get fired.
(Jumper, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 16:27, Reply)

blondesmithp
actually, i'm afraid we do charge for reading letters. and emails. and worse than that, everything we do is booked in 6 min slots. so if it only takes 5 mins to read your ranting about your speeding fine or your neighbour's cat pissing on your patio, we charge you for all 6....
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 16:19, Reply)

My job involves bare breasts. Beat that!
I too used to work in the same office as BobFossil and whilst it wasn't all bad, we did come up with some entertaining distractions.

The Boss had two little plastic pigs on his desk called Kevin and Camilla. Whenever The Boss was away from his desk for any significant length of time, one of both of them would mysteriously go missing, usually to be found perched on a high shelf out of sight or hidden behind a pile of folders a day or two later.

The Boss was a bit of a paranoid type though, constantly on the lookout for potential mutinies. He didn't take our pig-hiding antics too well and after a while we had to leave Kevin and Camilla alone.

Fortunately this wasn't before two of the girls from another department kidnapped Kevin and held him to ransom, sending The Boss a video of them force-feeding him chilli sauce in the Thai cafe down the road, complete with a chilling soundtrack of, "Help me, Boss, help me, help me!" punctuated with piglet squeals.

Now I've moved to the editorial department and instead of hiding people's pigs, we entertain ourselves with the noble art of boobwatching. Our company publishes the biggest opera magazine in the world, and whenever this particular publication comes back from the printers, another ex-ads employee and I have a competition to see who will be the first to find a pair of bare breasts in it. The loser then has to make tea for the winner.

Believe me, there are A LOT of bare breasts in the opera world.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 16:08, Reply)

Mysogynist? Me?
...well, only sometimes. Divorce will do that to a guy.

Not that I claim to be perfect, of course...


( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 28 Sep 2007, 16:01, Reply)

Lawyers
They charge for talking to you on the phone but not for reading your letters or emails

Don't ring'em - write 'em a letter
(blondesmithp, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 16:01, Reply)

Wanted
A woman who doesn't resort to emotional blackmail to get what she wants. I think that one's the killer for me.

My dirty trick of the trade (tenuous?) is to take them at their word. If they say it's fine then it's fine and I'll not care if it turns out it isn't.
( Kroney, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 15:59, Reply)

Smile you love it, and Resident Loon
I have to say that I dont share your mysoginistic viewpoint. My only gripe is the fellatio thing. So few ladies can get it right.

I'm booked in next month to have my lowest 2 ribs removed so I can take women out of the loop altogether.
(Vic Flange, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 15:57, Reply)

The Resident Loon
Not all girls are like this. In fact, I would go as far as to say most aren't. Men who think that all women are manipulative bitches usually only go out with manipulative bitches.

It works both ways - women who think that all men are bastards usually think this because they only go out with bastards.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 15:55, Reply)

re: re: magazine circulation figures
The company I used to work at (publishes magazines for the classical music industry) wasn't audited by an external company for print run etc, but was still quite truthful about how many copies were printed (well, it's the classical music industry: there's no point in saying we printed 100,000 copies of something when the sum of people interested in classical music is blatantly less than that).

However, whenever potential advertisers wanted figures, we would give them readership numbers instead of print run (classical music people are stingy, so only buy one mag per 2 people).

Also, to boost the potential of someone advertising, we'd say that there just happened to be a theme centering around whatever particular area of the music world they worked in, even if the only editorial linked to that was a review or a passing mention in the news section. For example, we would tell an opera company in Poland that we were doing a special feature on opera in eastern europe, or a company specialising in music education that the next issue just happened to be focussing on young artists.

I'm out of that now, thank god. We do a massive publication every year in which loads of composers advertise their latest pieces, or do little adverts so people can commission them. They're generally really quite old men, who also quibble about the price, simply because they don't have that much money (composing not being terribly lucrative); I hated taking their money, and just before I left, I was on the brink of just telling them all that advertising wouldn't get them any more commissions, and that if I were them I would keep my hundred quid, not bother advertising, and use the money for something a lot more useful to them. I didn't say this to them, but it was really close. Again, thank god I'm out of advertising sales now.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 15:54, Reply)

I second that
dear Mr Resident Loon,
hear, bloody hear,
by the way ladies
1, we like sleeping on the sofa, it's fun and a bit like camping.
2, tell us everything is fine and we know it isn't but we just won't bother to find out.
3, if we say "I really like her/them we should see them more often" it means a) she's got great tits and I like to stare at them and /or b) he's a top fella with loads of porn and knows where some great lap dancing bars are.
4, treating us like children only makes us act like children, ok even more than usual.
5, going to the pub with the fellas is healthy and good for a relationship, it's when the man stops going out that things go really bad. I speak from personal experience and observation.
6, we like you, we really do but we're not mind readers - we are simple beings and not into solving complex riddles, if you want that then you should be going out with Carol Vorderman.
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Fri 28 Sep 2007, 15:52, Reply)

Another note from the male gender..
Dont yank a man's tallywhacker back and forth like you're drying a pint glass. It hurts and doesnt pleasure us.

Learn how to correctly fellate a man from gay prostitutes like all the porn actresses do. Look at the way they get Ron Jeremy and Peter North to shoot copious quantities of goo after hours of writhing and ecstatic moaning.
(Vic Flange, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 15:43, Reply)

And a note from the male gender...
Ladies, when you pull stunts such as rachelswipe and Big Girl's Blouse have described, it doesn't make us toe the line- it makes us simply sneak behind your backs so we don't have to listen to your incessant whining and manipulative bullshit. We don't behave better, we just get better at covering it up.

Men don't like being treated like mental inferiors any more than you do. And we certainly don't like having you lie to us by telling us that "everything's fine" when it isn't, and really resent it when you explode at us for believing your words.

This is the real reason we go to bars with the other guys- to get away from the emotional and verbal abuse and the petty manipulation. At least with other guys we know where we stand.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 28 Sep 2007, 15:38, Reply)

the British National Party
are planning to save money by replacing their membership with bigoted Mexicans.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 15:36, Reply)

re: magazine circulation figures
I've heard some corking stories about this, like the time an entire print run was lost because the lorry carrying it was in an accident...but it was still included in circulation reports.

Because you're usually only audited annually, it's common practice (common sense too, I guess) to pull all the stops for whichever issue you're going to be audited on (better freebies, hold back high-profile features to put in that issue, stick a pretty woman on the front if you possibly can).

If you're wondering why this matters to a reader -- it doesn't. It matters to the magazine because it affects your rate card (i.e. how much you can charge for advertising).

And of course, all this stuff varies from publisher to publisher, magazine to magazine, writer to writer. I was lazy sometimes, but I never accepted a bribe in my life and never puffed a game that didn't deserve it. After a while the PRs learn who they can buy and who they can't, and you don't get the offers any more so it becomes a moot point.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 15:35, Reply)

Supernanny
The 'children' in this show were actually midgets. Happy, happy midgets.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 15:31, Reply)

IT lies
I worked in the IT department of a major company which shall remain nameless.

I found out that one of my co-workers was jovial, well-liked by everyone, and happy to help the less computer-literate people with their problems.

When I found out that the other person in this so-called IT department had a girlfriend, I quit in disgust.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 15:29, Reply)

'criminals hate paedophiles' (true story)
Paedophiles aka 'rockspiders' are always kept 'on protection' ie locked away from the other prisoners, for fear of being attacked by them.

Except for the big-time criminal who everyone grovelled to - when he announced that he had a 14 year old girlfriend no one had a problem with it. Funny that.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 15:21, Reply)

Magazines
My experience editing magazines is vastly different to that of ChaRleyTroniC.

It often depends on the scruples of the ad people and editor in question - as well as the interference of management - but PLENTY of content I've seen is written to please advertisers, if not written BY the advertisers themselves. Sometimes this is vaguely marked up as a 'promotion'. Often it is not.

Unless a mag's circulation and sale figures are audited by an independent company, they're just making them up. They usually only print half or a third of the copies they say they do, and sell even less.

Ditto on what people have said about competitions - if they're drawn at all, it's never random (you really think we're going to draw names out of a hat?!) and based purely on superficial reasons.

Sometimes magazines are sold in bags (I'm not talking about the modesty porn bags) because they come with another free mag or some crappy little extra 'gift'. This usually increases sales figures, but it ALSO gives editors a chance to lie on the cover teasers, because you can't check inside to see what's actually inside. I've seen plenty of these magazines go to print advertising articles that don't exist.

The photoshopping stuff is, of course, true. But it's not just done for celebrities - magazines will photoshop anybody appearing on their pages (like prize winners or reader photos) if they are distractingly ugly.
(retrograde, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 15:19, Reply)

I used to work for an IVF Lab in Sydney (go on, just TRY and work out the name)
They frequently exchange sperm/eggs with more fertile ones from other people. You can usually tell when this has happened - if you have friends who have had an IVF baby and either the father is remarkably effeminate or the mother is extrememly butch, recommend a DNA test. Seriously, it's standard practice across the world. If you can't get a baby by spunking in your girlfriend's muff, it ain't your baby (or possibly hers, but more likely it's not yours, you inadequate excuse for a man). There was at least one case while I was there where the baby didn't belong to either of them.

They're a lot more careful about it these days, after there was a case in the UK where a blonde white couple had a big black baby boy. You might remember it from the late 90s. These days they make sure it'll have the same colour skin, eyes & hair as the parents.

I should mention that my confidentiality agreement expired a couple of years ago and the only reason I don't talk about specific cases is because of personal morals (I don't think it's fair on the individuals).

Also, one day we all cloned ourselves for a laugh. We killed the embryos after a couple of weeks. They were kept inside cut-off straws and we dropped them in acid.

I killed a mini version of myself.

I wasn't religious before that moment, now I honestly believe that my soul has been destroyed.

Redemption is a bitch.
( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 15:16, Reply)

Rachelswipe
I love being a women - dont you.

I used to share a house with my best mate and her boyfriend. If she decided she didn't want to go out that night she would say so but inform her boyfriend that it was ok for him to go out if he really wanted to. So he did. Then she would spend all night bitching about how he was selfish and didn't love her anymore.

He eventually sort of cottoned on but his desire to go out would always overcome his fear of what would happen if he did.

Good times!
( girlinthehole, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 15:12, Reply)

QANTAS
A friend of mine works for QANTAS and their trade secret is not to advise bugboybeast to google the words "qantas accident"...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 15:01, Reply)