An
ex girlfriend of mine worked as a nanny
(3 weeks on one week off) for a fairly rich family,

other than her usual job of feeding and dressing the
little munchkins she would take them to school which
was a 30 minute train journey through picturesque
countryside to a posh school in London
and then spend the day shopping and being paid for it
(easiest job ever), she would then pick them up after school
and catch the train back, the children were always
quite hyper on the train so she would play spot
the animals as it would always calm them down.

One day on the train she saw a heard of cows and yelled
excitedly "look moo moo cows" all the business men and women
looked at her as if she was from planet nutjob.
It slowly dawned on her she was on her week off and she was on her own.
Needless to say she wanted the ground to swallow her and promptly legged it into the end carriage.
( Trollman, Tue 14 Sep 2010, 13:22, 5 replies)

Ha, got a reply
See here first:
www.b3ta.com/questions/easyjob/post863310
--

Dear SLVA
,
Thank you for contacting Honda (UK).
We were very surprised to receive your question via our website - it's certainly something that none of us can ever remember being asked before!
Unfortunately, we are unable to provide an answer, as there are simply too many people that have worked on the Accord production/test driving process (let alone the rest of the Honda Motor Co…...), ranging from people based within the UK, right through to all the Japanese engineers etc that have had involvement on this product.
We're also pretty sure that if this question was posed to the entire company, we may get a few 'fabricated' answers to this question, which would only serve to fuel the joke, without providing any concrete evidence either way…………

Kind Regards
Bob Honda
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 14 Sep 2010, 13:13, 8 replies)

I do freelance IT stuff
Most of the time it means being called in at the last minute by a customer who's IT staff are way out of their depth and need someone to come in and say 'poke that bit'.

I charge a minimum of a half day fee per call out (£150), mostly to dissuade people from calling me for stupid things (and partly cos I'm lazy and like to sit in my jimjams eating doughnuts most of the day).

Anyway, if they are muppets enough to call me and get me out for something stupid who am I to really argue.

My top three recent callouts where :-

1. I need a pc setup. Took 10 minutes to plug in the PC, connect a network cable and get it online.

2. My PC wont go on the network. Visit site, plug network cable into PC. That was about 30 seconds work.

3. The server needs to be rebooted. When I told them to go ahead and reboot it, nobody was willing to do it in case it exploded.
Visited site, rebooted server. 20 minutes work.

Shame its not like that everyday.
(EvilMeister, Tue 14 Sep 2010, 13:12, 3 replies)

Town planner in America
"Right, what shall we call this first avenue?"

.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 14 Sep 2010, 12:12, 16 replies)

Sleep Research Laboratory
I worked in a sleep research laboratory in America for a year (and no I didn't get to sleep, quite the opposite!).

I got paid around $18 an hour to sit with research subjects and make sure they didn't fall asleep on our experiments, basically watching DVDs, reading books, or having conversations with the many amazing and interesting people we had as subjects :) I also got to glue electrodes to their scalps.

Unfortunately it wasn't always so easy and this did come around full circle. Keeping someone awake when you're both not sleepy is fairly easy. When it's 4am in the morning and you're both tired as hell sitting in a VERY dimly lit room with no windows it was sometimes tempting to gnaw ones' arm off just to stay awake. Sometimes, it was the volunteers who ended up keeping the staff awake!
(flying-fox, Tue 14 Sep 2010, 10:57, 3 replies)

Telly
I reckon whoever is in charge of dreaming up new ideas for BBC Three has a piss easy job.

Idea person: "I have some ideas. Erm, what about a reality show where the contestants have six weeks to set up a circus on the theme of explosive dysentry? Or how about a spin on 'carboot challenge'? Five claustrophobics are bundled into the boot of a Fiat 126 that's been driven to an unknown location onto some wasteland and then set on fire, and they have to escape?

Or! or!, and I'm quite proud of this idea. 'Surgery Academy'. Four school drop-outs from impoverished backgrounds have to learn surgical skills in 2 months and save the lives of patients close relatives on a hospital waiting list with only weeks to live?.
Erm, fuck it. The first person to bugger a dog to death
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 14 Sep 2010, 9:26, 21 replies)

Easy?
I honestly cannot understand a lot of these posts saying "I basically got paid to sit on my arse for 3 months. It was great!" Seriously? That would be my idea of hell. I think I would have some kind of psychotic episode through boredom.

The job I do involves working extremely long hours (well over 100 hours a week during busy periods) including lots of weekend work and is stressful to the point that I'll probably have a massive heart attack by the time I'm 40. It is however the easiest thing I have ever done. Why? Because I love it. It fulfiils me both intellectually and creatively. I'd still want to do this even if I wasn't getting paid for it.

The hard work and stress may have left me broken and on the verge of alcoholism more times than I care to remember but boredom is a slow, miserable death.
( pixel_fucker is going to need a bigger brush, Tue 14 Sep 2010, 9:13, 14 replies)

Not me,
but someone who works at a debt collection agency. I suspect their interpretation of 'organise and box all the files because we're moving offices was more like shred 3 out of 4 of them because they're heavy'
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 14 Sep 2010, 9:13, Reply)

It helps to have a boss who liked working less than me.
For an all too short time a few years back I worked for a sole-person architectural practice. The job itself was not too challenging, and this was helped by the fact that every day my boss and i would drop everything and go around the corner to the small italian cafe for lunch. These lunches would go for 1 and a half to 2 hours, but several times a week when one of us didnt want to go back to work we would always succeed in getting the other drunk enough to drag the lunch out to a few hours, which would eventually lead to us deciding to just call it a day. It's no wonder we never got any work done.
(augsav forgot about B3ta, Tue 14 Sep 2010, 9:12, Reply)

With regards to this post yesterday
www.b3ta.com/questions/easyjob/post863310

The email has been sent, (well filled in a feedback form). I removed the direct reference to B3ta itself, they can look for it themselves.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 14 Sep 2010, 9:03, 1 reply)

Hit 'snooze'
Earlier this year I had a temp job at an Engineering firm, working in their "Quality Assurance" department. All I was required to do was to scan some documents, string the resultant PDF files together, and tidy them up a bit to be stored on an external drive where they could be accessed by the clients (BP, Total, etc). It took me about five days to get through the backlog they'd hired me to deal with, and then...

...I basically sat on my arse drinking coffee for the next eight weeks. I was earning more per hour than I'd been making in my last permanent job to surf the internet and sneak home early in the knowledge nobody would notice. There are loads of jobs just like this at the moment due to many firms over-emphasizing the need for "compliance" and building up masses of documents which nobody will ever read but they feel they have to, just in case something bad happens (like a blow-out preventer failing and causing the most-publicized environmental disaster so far this century... but that was before my time). If you hate your over-stressful and frustrating job, just quit and get yourself one doing PFA
(Katabatic wasn't, and will never be on, Tue 14 Sep 2010, 5:59, Reply)

Worked in the US at a summer camp
That itself was a doddle, but I was then offerd to help pack away camp as it was not needed untill next summer.

I get to wake up at 10 amble to breatfast told to move some bags of lost and found to the main office and then go back to sleep. there were four of us doing this and we each had our own golf cart, of wich two were flipped due to stupidity. The highlight was finding the archery equipment and then driving around on the golf carts shooting the targets which we had scatterd around the camp.

Well worth the extra 250 quid, will be doing it next year aswell.
( Gawain the oven safe flan tin willy bum fart poo, Tue 14 Sep 2010, 4:25, 1 reply)

Whoever thought up the 'Millenium Bug' was a feckin' GENIUS!
I see plenty of post already, but may as well add my own (Baaaa)

I was working as post / photocopying / stationery boy at the local TV station at the time. Part of the job was to copy local news scripts and run them around the studio / gallery etc. This could get frantic at times with last minute additions for breaking stories etc, but that was rare to say the least.

I had to work every other weekend too, along with the skeleton news crew. Twice in an 8hr shift, the printer in my room would spew out 20 pages or so. I'd copy them about 6 times onto pretty coloured paper then wander around the studios dropping them off. I was on decent money for an 18 y/o too.

On the millenium they wanted someone in 'just in case'. I was tempted by the £500 and 3 days extra holiday in that year, so agreed. My boss who aranged this wasn't aware that there was no local news that day. As it turned out I was wrecked with a horrible flu that was doing the round at the time. I dragged myself in to be greeted by security and an otherwise empty building. No TV output means no news crew. New years day 2000 means no fucker else either.

I acted professionally though. I switched my machines on and ran through a few pages of whatever shite was lying around to make sure they worked, before promptly switching everything back off and pissing off home to sleep off my plague. The only millenium bug was me being bugged by some inconsiderate fuckers letting fireworks off in the middle of the night before & waking me up from my snotty slumber.

That is all.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Tue 14 Sep 2010, 1:25, Reply)

data entry clerk easy money
I worked for a bank processing credit card applications,
we had to do something called dectel where we put papers together which we were supposed to put them in order, but we just stapled any old piece to any other old piece.
we used to get all the applications there were done and run out of applications to process so everybody even the boss went to the pub and we were still getting paid while we were in the pub
(Master of Muppets, Tue 14 Sep 2010, 0:20, 1 reply)

HR for my company
I just found out that it's our company policy all complaints to Human Resources get sent back to our store manager and they just approve whatever action the store manager takes and create a backlog of fake correspondance to make it look like they did something. My application has already been sent.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Mon 13 Sep 2010, 23:17, Reply)

I used to be a fluffer...
for Ben Dover.
Seriously that bloke gets a boner just BREATHING.
( Sallyrsm, Mon 13 Sep 2010, 22:26, 4 replies)

I am a boner. My job title is literally 'boner.'
I add the skeletal rigs to 3D characters for animation - a process known as 'boning.' Ergo I am a boner. It's an easy enough job.

I boned a wizard last night.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Mon 13 Sep 2010, 21:12, 4 replies)

Minister for Science.

Shure I dont even believe in evolution!





C. Lenihan
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Mon 13 Sep 2010, 21:00, 3 replies)

office olympics
my sister was once asked to go into work over the weekend, to sort out some form of changeover. i didn't ask what it was, as i haven't a clue about that kind of stuff. she knew it was going to be dull, there was nothing for her to do and she'd be on her own, so she offered me £20 to go to work with her.
£20 to sit, drink coffee, listen to music and phone my mates? too bloody right! i agreed quickly, before she had a chance to change her mind.
saturday morning was fine, but by lunch time, my mates had all gone out, the radio was shit and we were bored out of our minds. office olympics to the rescue! there was swivel chair rowing, photocopier-paper-ball hockey, blow paperclip football and that all-time favourite, spin the fully-laden swivel chair as far and fast as you can, with extra points for making the person loaded into the swivel chair sick.
easiest and most fun time i've ever had to earn £20.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 13 Sep 2010, 20:38, Reply)

youtube moderator.
I was in charge of monitoring all the intelligent comments.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 13 Sep 2010, 18:04, 11 replies)

when i was 15
I was paid, along with a friend of mine, to clear out an office of computer equipment and office supplies, the kind of stuff found in an office, funnily enough.
We were shown an office and told everything has to be taken down and put into the waiting skips. Then we were left to get on with it.

We started with the huge cardboard boxes, which we assumed was for us to put the equipment in and carrying down stairs. We just threw them down the stairwell so that they filled the small hallway at the bottom and came halfway up the stairs.
We then spent god knows how long throwing ourselves down the satirs into the boxes. It was like being the stuntman i'd always wanted to be and they break your fall pretty well, for a while, anyway.

Once we'd cleared the stairs of knackered cardboard, the electricals came next. Again, just stood at the top of the stairs launching the stuff down.
I discovered that day just how tough crt monitor screens are. I broke most of them, apart from one, which survided being repeatedly thrown at the corner of the skip in an ultimately futile attempt to break it.

We got paid pretty nicely for that, though i would've done it for nothing.
( real i'm not happy 'til you're not happy, Mon 13 Sep 2010, 17:37, Reply)

A few things to make your job easier
I am by definition, a lazy bastard. This is why I have found a few things to make your working day a little easier. Gleaned from the internet, and learned from experience, a few things that mean I can generally hang out include, but are not limited to:

* Walking around quickly with a frown from place to place. Never underestimate how much this looks like you are doing something important.

* Making the tea. Everyone likes tea.

* Looking at your computer with a frown and huffing every once in a while. If you can rub your eyes and your face once in a while to imitate fatigue then all the better. People will think you're knee deep in reports or whatever it is that people really do with computers...

* I have recently taken charge of our company website. Nobody knows how long things take to update, meaning I have free reign on time spent at the pc / B3ta.

* Phone people. Anyone, who cares? I phone our suppliers for a chat. Stretch out that Monday morning order to a full 20 minutes and you can work off that two day hangover from Saturday a little bit easier.

* Arrange meetings. I have made a meeting last a day. Fuck knows what people really do with them. I almost never come away from meetings thinking 'that was productive'.

* Search the internet for new suppliers. This only works when you need suppliers for things.

* Write replies to B3ta QOTW in Word. I find opening an already existing document and writing the answer halfway down a document helps. People will marvel how many documents you can bash out in a day...

* Every now and again, when I have nothing better to do, I will sit at my pc until everyone has left, then lock up about 5 minutes afterwards. They will always ask what time you left, but I find if you give an unambiguous and joking 'eventually', then you look like a manager's hero. If you add a comedic rolling of the eyes with this, generally nobody questions you. If they do, avoid them. They are probably a suspicious bastard and should be held at arms length..

Add to this the fact that I have recently put our company on Twitter and Facebook, I now have an almost perfect cover story for all my web based actions. If only I can find a cover story for the smut...

I'm sure there are more. Feel free to add your own and share your ideas..
(Scrumpy does not negotiate with terrorists,, Mon 13 Sep 2010, 16:51, 12 replies)

"After I’d thrown them at her, the pineapple flavoured syrup was soaking into her white t-shirt, letting her glorious nipples shine through. She took off the top slowly, stretching her back to let me have a good look. Her nipples were virtually pulsating, she was so hot for me right then. I stepped towards her, millimetres separating our aching bodies. I don’t think I’ve ever been more aroused. Her breath is all heavy and she’s saying, just fuck me. So first I slide my hand rou... where was I? Oh yeah. So I slide my hands round her waist and cup her arse cheeks in both, picking her up and sitting her on the desk. I stroke up and down, opening her thighs and getting tantalisingly close to her hot wet cunt. She’s almost hyperventilating she wants it so bad. I scratch down her back and she arches. She can clearly take very little more of this. I slowly slide one hand down her toned stomach, closer and closer with my fingers’ tips as her chest rises and falls, as she clutches at my flesh and whispers for more. I’m on the mound of her pelvis pushing slowly down ready to connect with the soft, warm flesh that’ll make her go wild. My fingertips touch the very edge of her clitoris and she holds her breath. I slide my fingers either side of her pussy, teasing her to the very last. She can’t be having that, she grabs my cock and pulls me into her. The head of my penis is flush at her gate, nuzzling slightly in her soggy lips. I pull back, pick her up and throw her onto the bed before diving after her. I ram straight home and she pulls a face like she’s just been plugged into the matrix. She’s pulling at me, strongly, trying to get me to fuck her harder. I’m so deep inside her I think our bones are grinding together and it’s painful but so fucking good. I want to tear her apart. As I’m slamming into her, the tightness of her cunt lips catches on my cock, sorry to have me leave them, begging me to stay and fuck. Fuck all night. Fuck forever. I want to be inside her until the world ends, with her warm thighs now wrapped around me, my chest on hers, still sticky so that every time I pull away slightly her breasts are still on me. Her fingernails are on my back shedding the skin as I kiss her in a way that can only be described as mutually assured destruction. If anyone thinks I’m having my way with her, one look at this awesome sight could only assume that she’s having her way with me. She punches me square in the jaw as she comes so hard her body turns to rock and I am literally caged inside of her. As her hardness melts away, her cunt now so wet we’re fucking in a puddle, I feel the rush. I start convulsing before exploding with force that if she weren’t enveloping me would splash all the way through to the next room. While I’m unable to control myself, she has calmed, stroking me, smiling with her other hand on her face, with her eyes open but seeing nothing. Slowly, I crumple down, being careful to keep enough of my weight off her so she can stay in that dream state. My heart is still pounding as hard as hers. I feel her pelvis muscles spasming slightly, grabbing at my still hard cock, as if they’re asking for more already. I ask her if it was any good and she tells me she doesn’t know who or where she is, or why it is she can’t see, but if I do that again she’ll love me forever.

And that’s when I decided to marry your mother, son."

yours
Professional Parent.
(quibble, Mon 13 Sep 2010, 15:36, 11 replies)

The only other easy job I ever had was
Being a bingo caller. I mean it was the easiest 3 to 6 hours work I ever had. To start I would work 3 hours in the evening handing out change to some lovely old dears and some not so lovely gypsies for about an hour then the rest was on stage calling the numbers. I was the only caller who didn't do the bingo rhyming, mostly cos I hated it, and as it turned out the punters hated it too so they liked me in the end. £25 for not doing a lot and flirting with the younger players there (by younger I mean the cougars)

Then they asked me to cover the day shift too, another 3 hours only this time the whole thing was automated from another bingo hall, they did all the calling and all I had to do was hand out the players books and cash if they won....all 4 of them. Massive bingo hall and only 4 people playing. Easy.

I got so bored though that I started playing and managed to win the odd jackpot of £200 here and there, which was awesome for a student.

The highlight of working there was watching the new bingo caller get hired and fired within 20 minutes of the 3 hour shift.

Now to understand this you must know one thing, in N.I. the legal age limit for sexual relations is 17.

So this guy comes in, with his white Adidas tracksuit and Argos bling, and informs me by standing on his tiptoes to reach my chin that he is the new customer favourite caller and there's nothing I can do about it. He then proceeds to the stage, starts the game and then utters the phrase:

"Legal for me, 16"

5 seconds later he was being carried out the door with the managers hand around his neck...(he had a 16 year old daughter) and a lot of angry customers.
( Bamboo Steamer, Mon 13 Sep 2010, 13:23, 9 replies)

Hands up if
you want me to send this email to Honda UK.

---
Hi,
In order to satisfy an in-joke/meme on a certain website (B3ta), would you be able to answer this positively bizarre question?

Do any or have any of your staff, preferably involved in the test-driving of the Honda Accord (or any other part of the production process for that matter) ever been or are currently married to or dating a model (super or otherwise)?

Regards
SLVA
---
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 13 Sep 2010, 13:13, 23 replies)

Urban Spaceman
One fine Monday morning we turned up for work to discover that the roof had collapsed over the weekend. Unfortunately the ceiling was made of asbestos tiles, so a specialist cleanup team had to be called in. Our boss didn't like the idea of strangers handling our delicate and expensive equipment, so asked for volunteers to properly disconnect it all, ready for decontamination. Since this included wearing an awesome spacesuit, I stepped forward.

It was an odd sensation, knowing that outside your little bubble of safety, the familiar-looking office was filled with invisible death.

Frankly I would have done it for shits and giggles, and was expecting perhaps a pub lunch on the company. Quite surprised to find a £300 bonus at the end of the month, for about an hour spent breathing like Darth Vader and going "beep" at the end of every sentence...

beep!
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 13 Sep 2010, 12:27, 5 replies)

I was the hired security muscle!
When I was a young lad on summer holidays i got a job via my sisters then boyfriend. It was with a security company in Dublin who had to bring jewelery in a van from Dublin Airport to Limerick City. Because it was jewelery being transported a 2nd person had to accompany the van driver for insurance purposes. 16 year old me was that 2nd person. The job involved me sitting in a van next to the driver, getting driven to Limerick, brought to a B&B, fed, given a bed for a couple of hours sleep and then driven back up to Dublin. Did that 3 times a week. Tough at the top eh?
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Mon 13 Sep 2010, 12:09, 2 replies)

I used to work in a theatre, which in itself, was an easy job, tearing tickets, and selling ice creams etc…
But one week I was taken aside by my boss, and asked if I wanted to do a special job. The job was to stay over night, backstage. The alarm for the building was dodgy, and Van Morrison was doing a two night stint, and didn’t want his guitars, hat, and other such shit stolen.

I was paid double time to watch Monsters Inc, play Playstation, and have a strum on Van Morrison’s guitar, and a tinkle on his piano. Unfortunately the safety curtain was down, so it was not like playing to the theatre, but it was fun, nonetheless.

I spent the money on booze, which means it was that much more worthwhile.
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Mon 13 Sep 2010, 12:04, 2 replies)

Stand-up comedy
sometimes people give you money to tell jokes. Lee Evens(Evans) gets millions and doesn't even need to be funny.

The down sides are, going to comedy death (doesn't happen that much anymore :) ), getting home very very late and getting up for work the next day and booking new gigs. You've no idea how hard it is to get stage time. All these twerps from drama school or people who've just finished a comedy course who want to "try it out" clog up the place.

It's open-mic level; but I'd love it to be full time.
(waxdart hello., Mon 13 Sep 2010, 11:21, 8 replies)