I voted Labour in 1997
And now I've cost the country untold thousands of millions of Pounds.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 20:02, 1 reply)

Easy
Getting married.
(RickGrimes Quite frankly, disappointed on, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 20:02, 1 reply)

This has to be the winner...surely
I used to live in Plymouth, and a friend worked at Devonport dockyard, refitting nuclear submarines. Basically, a sub would come in, they'd strip it, inventory everything and replace any parts or kit that were missing or broken.

Anyway, one sub had a problem with a big circuit board, something to do with the missile firing system. So the boss ordered a new board. Except he didn't...somehow he managed to order two by mistake. These things are custom-built using special components (EMP-proof or something), take months to arrive and cost an absolute metric shedload of cash. We're talking a career-threatening waste of money here, and the boss is fearful for the consequences.

So the unwanted board is surreptitiously buried in a skip, and no-one ever notices.

The cost? Approximately one million quid.
(rogerzilla, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 19:46, Reply)

Someone I know...
... not me though, used to work as a field service engineer for a computer company that makes tills among other things. Now, up until a few years ago, a major high-street pharmacist used to use a very old version of these tills that basically talked amongst themselves at dial-up speed, and needed every till to be working properly to run at all.

It was very easy to shut a till down the wrong way and crash the whole network. Each till would then try to reboot (from the network, naturally), so with a large store with a couple of dozen tills the server got hammered for about an hour.

So, said field circus engineer brings down a till, shortly followed by the other 11 tills in the loop. At 5pm. On Christmas Eve. In the biggest branch in Scotland, and third biggest in the UK.

Edit: Yes, they did end up having to make him a manager.
(gordonjcp, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 18:52, Reply)

My uncle had a fairly easy job...
...in charge of the gunners on an Imperial Star Destroyer.

One day, he was asked to shoot down a "seemingly-empty" escape pod, but decided not to as there were no life-signs onboard.

It turned out that the pod, in fact, contained two droids, one of which had the plans for a new space station The Empire were building and managed to eventually pass them onto The Rebel Alliance. Ooops!

To cut a long story short: cue one exploded "Death Star", the destruction of both The Emperor and his assistant and the eventual dismantling of the whole of The Empire!!!

"My uncle's face" and "egg" were definitely in contact after that! He's been dining out on that story for YEARS, bless 'im!!!
(philipm, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 18:52, 1 reply)

No large scale blunders yet
So here's a small one: A few years back I bought various parts from a 20-year-old-pimpled-geek run shop in order to upgrade my old PC. These included a motherboard, CPU, and fan. Having assembled everything, I turned the computer on, the fan went on, but nothing happened. Into the shop to complain. As it happened, I had turned the fan 180 degrees, stretched the wires to the maximum and forcefully crushed the CPU. So I rested my case and paid £100 for a new CPU. Decided that since they would be laughing anyway the second that I left I might as well tell them about my C.S. degree. I'm sure that made their day.
(spinoza, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 18:49, Reply)

I thought it was a bargian at the time . . .
A light hearted answer from myself for once.

When I was 17, I bought myself a canary for a pet. Birds generally freak me out so I'm still not sure why I bought him, I even thought he was horrible looking but I got him anyway for the bargain price of £15. I thought that was the most expense I'd have to shell out on him, apart from the occasional bag of food, but oh no. When I got him home, I noticed he had a tag around his ankle but paid no mind as I assumed it was a breeder thing. It is, but as I found out later, his particular tag is to keep track of sick birds. Two years on, I have paid over £200 in vets bills, as he keeps getting chest infections, mites and having a dodgy tummy. I have to pay stupid money for medicine, disinfectant and sprays just to keep him healthy. Good thing I love the chirpy boy or I would be a little irritated in the amount I have to pay just to keep him ok (plus he has this habit of humping his mirror which is hilarious).

I also enrolled in college this year after working since I left school for shite money. I was assured my course was free as I don't have a Level 3 qualification but after all this, it turns out I'm getting stung with an invoice for £1000 as the government doesn't count my course. Cornwall College Cnuts. I'm actually enjoying the course and not feeling like a complete 'tard for once, so am planning to stay. Just hate the thought of spending my hard earned cash on those lying bastards!
(missc, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 18:22, 3 replies)

Whilst working...
in a certain energy distribution company when it was "the electric board" and monopoly wasn't outdated at all, I sent a notice of intent to remove a meter with the good local magistrates in force (I say "in force" they signed a warrant, but they were right there I tell you)

When served, the customer turned around and said "You know you lot have been wanted to put a huge massive sub-station on my land to stop all the fault problems you have here, well, now you can't".

And a £1m project which the director had been overseeing to ensure supplies to millions of customers faced the scrap.

I got a disciplinary notice, the overhead lines which were supposed to go 1 mile ended up underground and 17 mile bypass.

And we still didn't remove the meter either.

They kinda deserved though, damn posh farmers of Lincolnshire...
(beatpig understands subliminalesbianmessagaying., Thu 25 Oct 2007, 18:18, Reply)

Tesco are idiots.
A few years back, pre-university trying to gather up money to go to university (not a lot of saving took place...), I was working as a till monkey in the local Tesco. One sunday, I was working in the Customer Service desk by myself on a quiet afternoon when a lad comes up to me to purchase a lottery ticket. Being the polite young Tesco drone that I am, I happily stop reading my 'temporarily free' copy of Q, oblige and start processing the ticket.

Then the machine jammed. Not trained on how to handle machine jams, and in full knowledge my boss was busy, I attempted to fix it. I knew there was button to open it somewhere...so I pushed this little red button.

That was mistake number one.

No joy. Customer says "Its no bother, i'll just go to WHSmith.

Ten seconds later, I get a phonecall. I pick up and declare that they have called Tesco in Fort William, that my name is Christopher and how may I help them? Answer to this? A chilling male voice: "Do you need police assistance?!". No...we didn't...so I told him this. A sterm "Hmmm..." was the reply, and I offered to get the manager. "Please hurry up, I have two minutes to decide". So I forward the call as fast as possible to the managers office.

5 minutes of nothing exciting pass, and my manager storms down and declares "WHY DID YOU PRESS THE PANIC BUTTON?!". Shit. That "red button" was the stores panic button! Not wanting to make him more pissed than he already was (he was a VERY irritable boss that was hungover) I said "Wasn't me"in a very convincing voice.

That was mistake number two.

Manager storms off to phone Central Security complaining of a broken panic alarm. Central Station confirm Panic Alarm went off. Store manager says no one touched it. Because the Panic Alarm "went off by
itself", it was a matter of urgency and an engineer had to be called to the store.

Now, engineers are expensive. ESPECIALLY on....thats right. Sundays. He was in for around 3 hours trying to work out what was wrong,because it "looked fine". He ended up having to get a new one and install that and test it.

This cost the company around £200. All because I didn't own up.

Length? Your mum didn't complain.
(LiquidRogue Powerful tiny fists..., Thu 25 Oct 2007, 17:52, Reply)

Not me
But I went to New York about ten years ago with a few friends. It happened to be the first time any of us had been to America and we were enjoying ourselves in the various restaurants and clubs of an evening, and one such night we caught a taxi back to our hotel afterwards.

As the guy took us up to the aforementioned hotel, it also came to paying up time. Charlie offered to foot the bill, and promptly did so. 10 dollars for the ride wasn't much after all.

It was about three seconds after the taxi drove off that Charlie realised he had paid with a hundred dollar bill, not a ten. Those damn American notes all looked so similar. The worst thing is he had even tipped the guy as well.

With another hundred.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 17:43, 2 replies)

Bored. OOOO, button!

Well, how was I meant to know it was the panic alarm?
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 17:38, Reply)

1992 Fiat Tipo
Need I say more
(Monkeyofspong, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 17:26, 1 reply)

i was the only person
who had a clean driving licence, working for the council. I managed to shag 3 vans in one week; drove one into a wall, whilst doing wheel spins, burnt the clutch out in another, and shafted the chassis on the third. They wouldn't let me drive after that.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 25 Oct 2007, 17:19, 1 reply)

in my first 5 days
working in a multi-storey car park i was left alone twice, while my boss when on lunch.

The first time: arsehole on a rented moped drove straight through the barrier, breaking it off at the mechanism. Not entirely my fault really but I still got an unmerciful bollocking. Approx cost: 800 quid

The 2nd time: I go out to remove the cash from the pay station thingy. Broke the cash box off of its bracket when it wouldn't come out peaceably and I employed the brute force method. Another almighty bollocking. Approx cost: 600 quid.

Not bad for my first week eh?
(shanvishnu, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 17:12, Reply)

Doing a PhD
Why did I not just go and do some job or other, rather than being a student for another 4 years! Lots of lost wages. Bah.
( drunkenoaf, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 17:09, 4 replies)

Your wife?
What about your mum?
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Thu 25 Oct 2007, 17:05, Reply)

The Worst Birthday Present Ever
Picture the scene, I'm 19. My mates have all got cars. I'm cadging lifts left right and centre, feeling a bit of a div for having to use public transport whilst my buddies are crusing around in their Austin Metros and VW Polos... I WANT A CAR!

As luck would have it, it was my birthday coming up, so my ma and pa relented somewhat, as one early July morning, I awoke to find what else lurking in the driveway but...

...a clapped out, dilapidated and frankly worrying looking 1986 blue Vauxhall Nova.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!" scream the folks and I'm given my key, ready for a blast around the local estate blasting out Hip-Hop and swigging from a bottle of Diamond White as all Nova drivers of the time seemed to do.

Except...

"It's not taxed, or tested, it needs a bit of work to make it roadworthy and..."

And?

"You've got to pay for it all. Many Happy Returns!!!".

Brilliant.

Two weeks later, the Nova is roadworthy (a cost of £300), has tax and test (£150) and has had underseal, filler and paint applied (done by myself but still about £50). It's insured (£700!) and covered for (the many) breakdowns (£40).

So in all it cost well over £1000 to get it on the road. Bye-bye Grandad's university money!

But that's not the end of it.

Because within a month, the driveshaft went as I trundled to Meadowhell (if I'd have been on the motorway I'd have died, apparently - still, it cost £50), it needed a new distributor and coil (£20 from the scrappy) and the plugs and points needed doing (£30).

So by now the running total is pushing £1500 and the worst is yet to come.

The alternator went. Then the wipers. The camshaft. Fuel pump. Brakes. Handbrake. Exhaust. Then I had the sheer idiocy to put 4-Star instead of unleaded one hazy New Year's Day. Luckily there was no apparent damage, but it still cost to have the thing flushed out.

Oh, and then the head gasket went.

So, within a year - the brilliant birthday present that my folks (who were never flush with cash, bless them) found for me had cost me the grand total of...

THREE THOUSAND POUNDS. That doesn't include petrol costs, windscreen washer fluid, oil changes, servicing (ha!) car washes, etc...

That wouldn't have been THAT bad, but being a penniless student with penniless folks it basically meant that for the next 2 years of my life I lived on practically gruel and water. I needed the car for work, which was ironic because it was the car that was sucking up all my money from my part-time job and more. If I'd quit my job, I'd have been better off.

And, luckily, I kind of know my way around cars so I saved a bundle on labour costs. In fact, if I ever get on to Mastermind my specialist subject might as well be 'Haynes Car Manuals, 1983-1991 Vauxhall Nova Editions'

What topped it right off was the fact that when it finally died, 18 months after first being in my possession, I had to pay to have it taken off my hands by the scrap yard, who probably made about £200 in scrap from it. Bastards.

The moral of the tale?

There isn't one. But I did get a nosh off an ugly bird in the back it one drunken Saturday night. So kids, there's always a silver lining.

Length? It was dark, she was drunk and I didn't hear any complaints, let's put it that way.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 17:04, 8 replies)

I used to work for a guy whose son is a racing driver
In 2001, as his son was beginning a career racing cars (rather than karts) he advised me to go to the bookies and place as much money as I could afford on a bet - a bet that his son would become a Formula 1 racing driver in 2006. I was skint at the time and thought "nah, fuck it".

In November 2006 his son became a Formula 1 racing driver. Imagine the odds I could have got on that bet. I do - sometimes I lie awake thinking about it.

Bugger.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 16:53, 1 reply)

Cars
People who know me know that I don't have the best luck with cars and most of my most expensive mistakes have been because of them.

Back when I was younger and slightly more gullible than I am now I crashed my first car into a wall after hitting some black ice. I'd had it for about three months.

A couple of sheds later and I bought a car from a mate of someone I worked with. It was a D reg Ford Escort and the guy was selling because he was moving to the States for a year. Thing is, I didn't have the £600 he wanted 'for a quick sale' and approached the company I worked atfor a loan. I picked up the car and dropped it in for an MOT the following day as it was about to expire. The mechanic phoned me back and, in between trying to not to piss himself, told me that the whole chassis was fucked and that he was suprised I'd not managed to kill myself whilst driving it. Apparently, D reg Escorts were notorious for rotting easily. Horse, stable door, bolted?

The car was scrapped two days later.

A couple of years ago, I'd bought a Mondeo from a bloke off eBay for £1200. My brother, a mechanic, checked it over and told me that it was a good buy. I drove it for three happy months until I heard a tapping noise in the engine. Now I know nothing about cars but I knew this noise was to do with the oil running low.

So, the next day I drove to a car parts supplier and bought some more oil. Did I put some oil in there and then? No. Did I put some oil in later when I set off home from work? No. That night, a mile from home, the whole car shuddered to a halt. I got the RAC bloke out and he told me that the engine had seized and asked me if I'd put any oil in it? The oil was still in the boot. I eventually sold the Mondeo to a mechanic mate of my brother's for £100, who plopped a new engine in it and, as far as I know, it remains giving him happy motoring even now, some three years later.

So I got another car, a lovely Renault Laguna. A year later it failed the MOT big time and required £1200 work doing to it. Back to the scrappers.

I've had my current car (a Renault Megane) for nearly two years and, apart from the odd scratch, it's doing okay.
(Ghostlight, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 16:41, Reply)

I've never made an expensive mistake.
...well, other than marriage.

However, a former employer made a very expensive mistake when they treated me as their scapegoat and fired me, then blacklisted me. Because, you see, I wasn't just another draftsman- I was also very tight with the IT guys at that company, and knew a very dirty little secret.

See, if you buy a copy of AutoCAD, you're only allowed to load it on one machine. As it's a very pricey program, that's not something that should be done lightly- yet with every new computer they got that was to be given to an engineer, there was a copy of AutoCAD on it.

And I happened to know that they all had the same serial number.

So, about six months after they fired me, I made a phone call. The result of that phone call was that the company was shut down until Autodesk had audited every single computer they had, and counted up how many copies of AutoCAD they had to buy- at full retail.

It was a lot.

So I cost them a huge amount of money, all right- but the mistake was certainly not mine.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 25 Oct 2007, 16:39, 9 replies)

I needed broadband...
So what did I do? I called Virgin Media.

‘nuff said.



...



In fact….not ‘nuff said’. Not by a long chalk matey.

(rant alert…rant alert)

I swear I will bare my arse in Harrods front window if they EVER get one of my bills or services within the nearest stratosphere of even 'remotely accurate' (I’d even take ‘not totally made up / royally fucked up to the point of blithering mutated idiocy’) which results in shafting me and/or making me wait for 6 months just for the pleasure of forking out flipping great wadges of cash, purely due to their own insipid incompetence…TIME AND TIME AGAIN!

My phone = fucked up bills and keeps cutting out – The phone cuts out or runs out of battery when you call to complain because they keep you on hold for so long…Only for them to hang up whilst 'transferring you to another department' when you finally get through. Top service.

My TV package (Television, not transvestite…steady on Enzyme) = fucked up bills (it’s meant to be free? Why do you keep charging me when it's free??? WHYYY?)

My Broadband = Where the cocking hell do I start? Fucked up bills, wrong modem, 4 weeks late (and counting) with the replacement, wrong service, wrong speed, also cuts out and bullshit fair usage policy.

In short...shit products, shit service, shit admin. shit shit shit shit SHIT

This has been going on for YEARS.

The thing is, why do all their catastrophic twunt ups result in my having to pay MORE? I wouldn’t mind if their shagknackery results in my getting accidentally credited once in a while (obv), but oh no. That would be too easy.

So you call them….3 hours later you talk to a gusset-wrenchingly frustrating mongtard who only gives you their first name and will not confirm anything in writing, and despite the fact that this is the fifth time this month you’ve had to call, and the 356th time you’ve had to call them this year regarding their cunty bollockness, they act as if they have no record of any of your calls:

VM: “Are you sure you’ve called us before sir”
ME: "For the love of cuntbuckets, YES!"

After this, they will say absolutely ANYTHING, just to fuck your sorry ass off the phone.

VM: “Oh yes sir, we promise to fully compensate you, replace all the hardware for free, give you a years free broadband and a discount on all of our packages. We will also send our most attractive female buxom assistant to suck you off within an inch of your life before gleefully asking for it 'up the gary'. You will see the adjustments on your bill”.
ME:"Hmmmm. OK then."

…

…

The bill arrives = fucked up bill.

You call again:

VM: “Are you sure you’ve called us before sir”
ME: “Mmmmf….AAAARRRRGGGGGHHH”


I shudder to think of the £’s I have spunked on that fucking beardy-weirdy Branson’s empire only to be treated like a blob of putrid catshite that he scraped off the bottom of his designer shoe.

I now spend my evenings on the floor in a darkened room, hugging my knees, gently rocking backwards and forwards thinking…’One day…one sweet, delicious day, it will all be sorted out…I’ll get my money…and everything will work….one day…’

Don’t tell me…I know it won’t

Apologies for length...and non-funniness...and tenuous link to topic...and violent rage. But for what it's worth, I do feel a bit better now. So cheers.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 25 Oct 2007, 16:21, 12 replies)

GTX
Anyone who worked in BT Telemarketing will know and hate this system--Cost BT about 3 million quid and never worked properly in the 10 years I was there...The developers came round one day to see their software in action...sitting next to me said 'high up bod' asks why aren't you using GTX- I answer 'Well it doesn't work and is a hinderence to me doing my job properly' Said high up bod then goes mad ( not at me but BT hi up bod) demanding to know why we aren't using his system---Lots of huffurs and bullshit later we find out that to get paid/to look clever BT and GTX middle management f*ckwits had conspired to launch the system about 2 years before it was ready--Hence it's inability to work well.......
Typical example-: Good Friday 1200 advisors doing overtime at double time and a half--Due to some GTX f*ck up nobody can take calls-We sit around chatting for a few hours before problem is deemed impossible to fix and we are sent home/pub on full pay. Sitting in pub we were not able to drink what we were being paid!!! Must have cost BT at least £250,000 in wages alone...

Needless to say I think BT are still flogging the dead horse of GTX 10 years on...

Sorry for length....
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 16:14, 5 replies)

QOTW Replies?
Adding QOTW replies could prove expensive. My vote is next week we ask "Is QOTW getting boring?" And if you think you can do better just anser "yes" and post your own question.

Use the reply button to post your answers under the question of your choice.

Voila, QOTW is redundant as anyone can post their own QOTW and start a thread.

Points for the best question. Kill 2 birds with one stone. Or 2 stoned birds. Either is good.
(Mong The Merciless Older not wiser, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 16:10, 4 replies)

Whoops!
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/north_west/7061075.stm
Isnt he the bloke who was married to the tranny in coronation street?
(Vic Flange, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 16:09, 1 reply)

Camoflage..safety in numbers
My uncle told me this story, and it must be true right, cos he was in the SAS and everything.
No, really, he was. He then worked for the MoD in procurement, he boasted (as was his want) that he could spend up to £10 million without authorisation and used to play war games all day, contingency plans for "what ifs" in the Cold War era.
This story concerns a night watchman, who was told to guard six highly secret, expensive, dogs danglies planes. These planes were uberstealth, cigarillo thin with very pointy nose cones, fantastically streamlined.
Unfortunately, whilst said nose cones were brilliant at cutting through the air, they weren't all that when it came to being swung on by bored ne'er do wells, as the surprised night watchman discovered to his dismay.
Shitting kittens, he looks around for someone else to blame, and, realising all fingers would be pointing his way, he took the only decent way out...

He bent the other five nose cones and hoped no one would notice.
(Countryslicker, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 16:09, 2 replies)

When I was living in Australia
I bought a second hand ps2 on eBay, turns out it was broken and I had forgot to get insurance.

That was an expensive mistake...

EDIT: forgotten
(gin'll fix it, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 16:06, 1 reply)

I was given the
seemingly simple task of removing a 40' high feed bin prior to the fitting of the new one. After cutting through 3 of the 4 legs I pulled the bugger with a ferkin great forklift. Nothing happened. I then moved on to plan B; cutting most of the way through the remaining leg and pushing the 5 ton monstrosity very hard. Amazingly the bloody thing fell exactly in the direction I'd planned until at 45 degrees it mysteriously twisted round and deposited itself on the roof of the building.A big crane can cost £1000 per hour and it can take a long time to rectify one eejit's mistakes, I know that now.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 16:06, Reply)

Not copyrighting this question when I suggested it about 2 years ago
and no-one wanted to use it then, oh no.
( shavedchimp something something oranges something, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 15:51, Reply)

Another tale from the book store
my boss isn't that internet savvy and fell for an internet identity theft scam. on top of this his credit card company has no policy for that,I don't remember the exact number he lost but it wasn't an amount that wouldn't be missed
(McShaggswell, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 15:48, Reply)