I am the firestarter, wicked firestarter...
I had a compulsion for experimentation as a child. To such an extent that, aged eight (I think) when with my grandmother for the summer holidays I read that her curtains were "flame retardant" - so set light to them.

Oops.
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:42, Reply)

Electric food blender highjinks
Many moons ago, when I were but a spotty young teenager embarking on the journey that is high school, one of the subjects covered was French.

We had two French teachers, Mr Scott and Mr Can'trememberhisname. Mr Scott (a lovely bloke) was particularly distinguishable by his utterly mangled right hand. Whether it's true or not I don't know, but legend has it that his hand became mangled owing to an insatiable curiosity regarding what would happen if he stuck it in a food blender. And then switched it on...

And hence, he became known by the nickname 'Stumpy Scott'.

Children can be right cunts sometimes
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:41, Reply)

To sense a force-field
A long time ago, when I was young and stupid, I got a large plastic tub (About 2 ft/60 cm from end to end), and taped exposed copper wires to the inside. Two wires, taped to the inside, one in each end of the tub. Then I filled it up with water from the tap, connected the wires up to the house mains, and stuck my hand in. With my hand in the water, I could regulate the ammount of current going through my hand, by turning it between 0 and 90 degrees. Didn't get painful until the hand was nearly in line between the two electrodes. Putting just two fingers in the water, the little piece of skin between the fingers, up near the hand (I'm describing that quite carefully, I think I may have some kind of hang-up about people thinking I have webbed hands or something?)... Anyway, that flap of skin would hurt quite a bit. The more of my hand or arm I stuck in the water, the more my muscles would tremble and twitch. 50Hz does that. One of my mates stuck his head in the tub, but only once, he was unwilling to repeat the experiment. Said it "Really hurt". Anyway, it all went well, but only because we were quite lucky, in hindsight...
(Lump, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:39, 7 replies)

Dangerous lego
When I was wee, I thought it would be a good idea to super glue a fan of scalpel blades together and affix them to my technical lego motor, creating a teeny circular saw complete with little lego workbench.

It was a good idea and I still have all my fingers.
(Jimmydoodaa, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:38, Reply)

Toothpaste
Is a great sexual stimulant for some women!

Though it sends others darting to the bathroom faster than an olympic sprinter . . .
(geedubya, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:37, 1 reply)

Unbreakable phone
I'd just got a brand new Nokia phone - it was black, the size of half a brick and entirely encased in rubber. I took it out of its box and placed it carefully on the table.

"New phone. Its unbreakable!" I boasted.

My mate looked at it for a moment, then picked it up and smashed the screen against a corner of the table as hard as he could.

"No it aint" he said, and went back to watching the Golden Girls.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:37, 4 replies)

£4.99 Children's Microscope
- used in an experiment to prove that i had manly sperm and not gay sperm, as my friend believed. You can actually see a great deal of yr lads swimming about even though it's through a kid's microscope intended for snot and hair.

Outcome: Two of my knuckle children were wriggling at each other head-on. I took this to mean that they were fighting and therefore very manly, testosterone filled shperm. My friend said they were kissing.

Result: Inconclusive.




As a happy epilogue to this story, I moved out of that flat soon after the experiment, forgetting I'd left my test tube of love juice on top of a bookshelf. I opened the tube and the fermented stench was so powerful that someone had to throw up their partially digested dinner three floors away.
(Hernandez Fiendish probably won't be here until at least, say, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:36, 8 replies)

Not me but the boyfriend
Growing up as he did in the wilds of the Yorkshire moors, here was not an awful lot in the way of activities for a young boy, save the exploration of the derelict hotels and other unsupervised investigations. So he took the only vourse of action available to a young boy.

He lit a fire in his bedroom.

He had planned this to an extent- he'd got a bin, and made sure the fire was contained. All fun and good, fire goes big, fire goes down, metal bin is removed from centre of the carpet.

Bollocks.

Fire in metal bin on carpet= very fucked bit of carpet.

The next logical step was of course to cut out the kidney shaped burn from the carpet, move the bed, and recut the shape. Then new piece of carpet is removed, bed pushed back, and carpet placed in the hole in the centre of his bedroom.

Which would have been fine, if he'd taken into account that the carpet had stripes. Which ran the other way.

So he did what any small boy who is terrified of his mother would do.

He moved the wardrobe, and re recut the peice of carpet, and put it down in the middle of the room. Then covered it with a rug for good measure.

Apparently it was a good few years before he was found out.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:35, Reply)

The Snail experiment
Many years ago we came back from clubbing and ended up in kitchen which opened out onto our back garden. It didn't take long before someone had skinned up and we were happily passing the joint around. Just then a snail was spotted crawling across a window. In our infinite wisdom we decided to try and get the snail stoned so we made it a rule that the joint needed to be passed around with the snail and every time we exhaled it would have to be in the snails face. This went on for a while as we smoked far more than our consciences should have allowed us to.

It was evident that we needed to take the snails drug intake up a notch. Other than the recoiling of the antennae, there seemed little other sign to suggest our efforts were bearing any fruit. Some beer was poured on the table and someone threw in a minuscule quantity of white powder from a small bank bag. Snail was then victoriously sloshed about in this homemade concoction of uber high energy beer. At this point there were some groans of discontent from the females among us as a clearly audible fizzing sound emanated from the snail as he made contact with the liquid.
He also seemed to have a propensity to produce a creamy white foam on his underbelly and his probes writhed about with a intensity usually seen only when an epileptic tries to do fire poi under the constant glare of strobe light.

It was with much regret that the experiment was abandoned at this point and snail was sent on his way, but not before receiving a final puff of smoke in the face and a quick rinse in beer.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:33, 1 reply)

See-saw!
Me as a 7 year old on a BMX bike DOES NOT weigh more than my 35 year old uncle stood at the other end of the see-saw which I was riding up in a garden version of "Kickstart" challenge.

The 10ft fall to the ground was traumatising. He's a twat my uncle.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:32, Reply)

there are several
- How close do you have to stand to the electric fence so a steady current can flow through the stream of pee you are spawning?

- How large can a single fungus grow in the restricted ecosystem of my fridge?

- Can you catch spiders and train them to do tricks? (I couldn't. Maybe you can.)

- Can you clip your toenails by holding them to the spinning front wheel of your bicycle? (not so very intended I admit.)

- Can I say this to a woman without being smacked in the face for it?

- And last but not least, what does this thingy here do?
(Boor, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:29, 2 replies)

Fizz!
An office experiment this one. Conducted scientifically between 2 of us.

How many "Tang-fastic" Haribo sweets can you fit in your mouth without swallowing or chewing?

A: 29.

BUT, your mouth feels like rubbery tripe for hours afterwards, your teeth feel like they've lost all their enamel (literally were rough to the touch!) and the sugar rush gives you headaches and you have to wee a lot. Then the stomach ache starts....
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:29, 1 reply)

When I were a lad, and this were all fields
I used to live on a farm back home. On this farm were varying toys(known to everyone else as "dangerous implements of farming") such as sharp pointy objects.

These, when coupled with the electric fences make quite a spark. This was rather amusing for myself.

Until, of course, I held onto one instead of throwing it. At which point, the spark travelled right through the item in question and made a bit of a mess of me.

Sparks, pain, and a vow never to do it again.

2 days later I was back up with a different implement to test my shiny new toy.

Idiot.
(King of Swandanavia Proud owner of the worlds first Flong, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:28, Reply)

Mould revisited
If you feed Smarties to the right sort of mould then it goes all multi-coloured and rainbow-y, like a big gay mushroom. Try it. (It's pointless though - at the end of the day you're still getting excited about mould.)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:27, 5 replies)

Took a gram of speed then spent all night working out 52 factorial.
Which turns out to be :-
80658175170943878571660636856403766975289505440883277824000000000000

My brother found me the next morning surrounded by piles of paper with numbers scribbled all over them and many empty tea cups, I remember he said I 'look intense'.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:27, 1 reply)

How long can I stay awake before hallucinations and other issues mean I MUST sleep?
About 54 hours.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:26, 5 replies)

Don't apply ginseng lotion to your scruttocks.
Really. Don't.
( Bob Todd whee, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:26, Reply)

Deep heat
Is not good lube!
( Willwillwritehiswill An arse like a slapped face., Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:25, 1 reply)

pint glass bi-ome
Having discovered food grows mould when it's off we decided to find out to what extent.

So as a student we superglued a pint glass to the outside window sill of our flat.

Into this glass went anything we thought might mutate in a disgusting way... milk, cheese, butter, veg etc etc

We had visions of a giant dairy monster growing huge tentacles that might erupt from the glass in warm weather.

Sadly rain and the elements meant all we had was a kind of blue/green soup which smelt like death.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:24, 1 reply)

suncream
is not a good lube.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:21, 10 replies)

I once
got a mean jonseing for waffles, intensified by not actually possessing a waffle iron. What emerged from the frying pan I eventually attempted to use wasn't waffle. It was eggy evil.
(fornrit eaþe tosliteð þætte næfre gesomnad wæs, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:21, 1 reply)

Pointless Experiment?
There is no finer example than this weeks QOTW.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:20, 4 replies)

Economic Policy
I and many others have been involved in this massive trust experiment where the Chancellor has been telling us he has been controlling the economy whereas in reality previous low inflation has been down to abusing third-World workers.

It seems the experiment is over :)
(Outtheresomewhere, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:17, Reply)

Oh, new QOTW!
I'm quite bad for these kind of pointless experiments...

Similar to Pavlov's Frog, but I've often wondered how long I can keep my eyes shut while driving.

Counting slowly, I got to 15. Then The Fear took me and I had to open them.
( Cawl, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:15, 2 replies)

Can goldfish get high?
It turns out that yes, they can.

Get your block of hash, burn off a teeny tiny pinhead-sized amount and drop it in your fish bowl.
The goldfish will have a nibble, and then start swimming around like mad wee things for a couple of minutes, and then go back to normal.

Keep a lid over the tank, as they have been known to leap out.

This is very important science.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:13, 2 replies)

I wanted to know
if cats would drink grapefruit juice (straight from the fruit, not from a carton).

The cat sniffed at the saucer of juice, stuck her tongue in, and promptly fell of the table in shock.

I think that's a resounding NO.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:08, 5 replies)

Not first!
How 'bout getting stuck in a hamper because you wanted to know what it was like to be laundry?

It wasn't me, but it was done...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:05, Reply)

third
what a failure

i wonder


( Barry Chuckle III - the troll with a soul., Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:03, 3 replies)

second?
Woo!

I once, in a fit of brilliance, decided that I'd make either some super-corrosive acid to burn through walls (and thus escape school by chucking a test-tube full at the wall just after we'd had registration), or maybe I'd make an explosive so powerful that I could just put a few drops on a paper plane and instigate blitzkrieg in the maths class. What I actually did was rip open the chemistry set I'd been bought three years earlier and mix everything in it into one beaker.

"Great!" I thought, "Explosions in Maths here we go!"

After some shaking and stirring, what I ended up with was a sludge that went from lime green to bright orange, but which mainly was the colour you'd get if you fed a vindaloo through a baby. Did it dissolve walls? no. Did it allow me to create a paper-based airforce? Did it bollocks.

It did, however, prove great at killing the big wasp that flew in the window, made straight for the weirdly coloured gunk in the beaker. Poor bugger drowned.

Then again, I did get an old 1920s chemistry set form a car boot sale that was a lot better - plenty of dangerous experiements and my own vial of mercury - brilliant! I think it lasted about an hour before my dad saw what was in it and took it off me. I then went on to do Chemistry at University - that showed him! Oh, hang on...bugger
(Chad, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:03, Reply)

Experimental blindness
I decided to see if I could keep walking in a straight line, if I kept my eyes closed. After a few false tries (kept panicking and opening my eyes, thinking I was veering to the left) I got a bit cocky, and decided to do 100 paces. Which ended almost very badly as I suddenly found myself face down in the road, having wandered to the left and fallen off the curb. Luckily no cars were going past, but my dignity took a bruising from other pedestrians.

Did I learn? Nope. Did the same thing a short while later on my bike: veered into the pavement, fell off, got laughed at again. I now no longer try to go from place to place with my eyes shut.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:02, 1 reply)