14 and pure
My first love was a year younger than me at school, she was perfect and pure and lovely in every way.

She was my first kiss.

We lost our virginity to each other.

We stayed together for a year and a half, happy times they were.

UNTIL I found she was cheating on me not only with my 18 year old cousin (she was 13) and my married music teacher (he was 28!)

Surprisingly it ended after that.

And I only took her back a couple of times after that. Stand up for self-respect!
( Theoban What of it, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 22:45, Reply)

when i was about 2 years old, i met a girl at preschool named isabell.
or isabella. don't remember.
i also don't remember if she ever even looked at me for the duration of 3 days in which she was still going to the same school as me. my descriptions of her to my mom were as follows: one brown eye and one blue eye, long black hair, and pretty to marry. /edit: i was probably older than 2 if i could talk like that.
then she moved to new york or some fuck.
for the next few years it was lucy. i still have no clue what was wrong with me then. one of the most annoying, blonde, dorky people i've ever met.
skip a few years.
now there's linsey. i'm astonished every day i look at her and realize she's mine. she's a beautiful angel. happy ending.
(USER No: 21515...FUCK YOU TO FUCK YOU FU see profile for limited time offer., Fri 21 Oct 2005, 21:57, Reply)

Sod it, I'm going to have three quick goes.
My first girlfriend went out with me for two weeks. She had tried to kill herself eight times previously, tried twice while I was with her, and at least three other times afterwards that I know of. A couple of weeks after she dumped me she took 26 pills and I saved her life by calling her youth worker, and she informed me that because of this, she would never speak to me again. She didn't, for ages.

My first love, however, professed her love to me and took my virginity in a single night, so I took her to a concert three days after. She ran straight up to a ladyfriend of mine and snogged her, and made out with eleven other people that evening before passing out from all the drinking.

And I'm going to add a passive-aggressive guilt trip I forgot last week, where an ex-Ms Reid went at her arm with a stanley knife when I didn't see the funny side of her practical joke.

I sure do know how to pick 'em!
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 20:50, Reply)

Lisa Whitney, aged 5, i walked past the girls' toilets at school
she called me, lifted her skirt and flashed her fanny at me.*

12 years later i started going out with her, and we've now been together for 13 years with 2 kids: awww, bless.

But what she doesn't know is that i already had the horn for Barbara Windsor's bum in Carry on Henry. It made my willy stick up and everything.

*British fanny, but the yank version would have been allright as well.
( Ulic hissing slightly, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 20:01, Reply)

fuck puppet
marina from stingray

she lives in selkirk now with four kids and a nice husband
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 19:55, Reply)

Friends + Love = Disaster
My male friend X is still a virgin (not the same X as previous post). That is partly down to me and our other mates.

About a year ago, we head off into town and meet some lasses. Now, I have a bird so wasn't really interested.. However, X had pulled!

A few weeks later and X has decided he's fallen in love with the lass who he's been seeing since the night out. They haven't done anything of a sexual nature yet but it is certainly on the cards.

They have planned on doing 'it' at his student flat and cooks her a wonderful meal. Candles and everything! We help him prepare before she gets there and everything is perfectly set up.

This may get complicated so read slowly:

The bus that the girl needs to get off to go to X's flat is about a 20 minute walk. The nearest shop is a 2 minute walk from the flat.

We have one friend, Y, standing near to the bus stop waiting. He sees the soon to be popped (i don't know if she was a virgin) lass get off the bus, and sends a message to Z, another friend who is helping me and X to prepare for the romantic night.

Then Z says to X "Have you got condoms? You can't do it without condoms.

Unfortunately, X can't find the condoms anywhere! He's sure he left them in the medicine cabinet! He did. We stole them.

So, we convince X to rush out to the shops and buy the love-wellies. No glove, no love, folks!

Meanwhile, me and Z decorate his flat a little more... with hardcore porn and Ann Summers gear such as whips, chains, lube. Some of the porn is just pictures we downloaded from the net... mainly the horses fucking women and gay bondage. For added effect we cover a load of tissues in hair gel and disperse them around his flat.

Better than we could have wished for, X and the girl actually meet each other whilst X is just coming out of the shops. "Just went to check my balance at the ATM.."

Me and Z are waiting outside the door and hastily make an exit. We didn't want to hang around and spoil their big night!

Needless to say his relationship never really took off. Something to do with her thinking he was a perverted dominatrix. Still, it means he can come down the pub with the lads rather than been stuck with a bird!

Apologies for length? He didn't get far!
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 19:21, Reply)

Well, more about my son...
He was three when i was taking him to tour his preschool. We're walking in and a dad and his little girl, four by my guess, looks at my son, points, and tells her dad "Look daddy! He's my boyfriend! He's my boyfriend!"

The only thing I could think to say was "He never touched her! She said she was eight!"
( Foxglove -- it all ends in tears anyway..., Fri 21 Oct 2005, 19:10, Reply)

Emma
I was quiet when I was young. Not shy, but just didn't see the point of saying anything if I didn't have anything worthwhile to say. This is a terrible problem when trying to chat up girls, especially when attempting to talk to Emma for the first time. She had long, blond hair, big blue eyes and a fantastic body (even though we were both about 10 years old, she still had a perfect figure). So we devised a plan, 'we' being myself, Greg, Steve and Brian: I'd phone her up and ask her if she'd like to go and watch a film with me. The four of us set up an amazingly elaborate script which covered all eventualities; every conceivable twist in the conversation was covered - no matter what Emma said, we were confident we'd have a pre-prepared answer. The time came to make the call. I had the several sheets of A4, Greg, Steve and Brian were listening on the extension so that they could hear how things went and could point to the relevant part of the script if I lost control of things, and the most nerve-wracking call of my life began.....

Me: Hi Emma
Emma: Hi Jerry. How're you
Me: Fine thanks. Just wondered if you'd like to go see a film on Friday
Emma: Sure. Shall I come over to your place for about seven o'clock?
Me: That sounds good. See you on Friday.
Emma: Bye


I'm so astounded at how easy it all was that I'm stunned into silence. A silence which is filled by Greg, et al yelling things down the extension like, "You've nailed her", "You're gonna have your hands inside her knickers within a minute" and "She's gonna be sucking you like a whore" together with other unsavoury comments.

Emma: I'm still here you know. I'm never going to speak to you ever again.

And she didn't.
( Fr_Jerry_McGwier looked over both shoulders at, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 18:47, Reply)

arrr young love...
her name was gemma. blonde, blue eyes and 6 years old (same as me btw). Played mommys and daddys for years. Her mom was a dinner lady so i got extras every time, yay!!
Got to 3rd year at primary, aged about 8 and started to enjoy playing army and poking shit with sticks with the lads. so we parted company. *sob* still she her occasionally, and still bloody would!!
(craney, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 17:54, Reply)

first love
Her name was wendy and we were 13. I hadn't a clue about what was the correct "courting process" in those days, to be honest i was 6 months out of primary school!

I just thought, you just sort of said"she my girlfriend!" and that was that. I did have a vague idea of actually kissing but to be honest it was all a mystery. Needless to say that lasted in a timespan that could feasibly me easured in hours.

The odd thing was I was very hurt when she dumped me and could hardly bring myself to talk to her for years. Even now, I see her almost daily and I cant even begin to say hello, although now it is the embarassment of almost never talking that is now holding me back!

Great to be back BTW. I got custody of the PC before I got thrown out by the Mrs, and the broadband got installed today! So I am 2-0 against life right now!
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 17:48, Reply)

Hannah.......that bitch!
A girl called Hannah was my first love, and good god was she ever the wrong person to fall for! I'm only just now starting to realise how fucking horrible she was!

The story all starts at the beginning of secondary school, where I fancied her from the off. Over the next few years she graudually made her way through most of my friends whilst continually overlooking me, telling me how we were "really close friends". Eventually, at the beginning of year 11 she decided she was a lesbian and started going out with this fucking weirdo girl who really did look like a boy. This really pissed me off as it kinda ruined my chances of EVER being able to get in her nickers. After about a year of lesbianism she suddenly decided she wasn't a lesbain anymore and that she actually fancied me, and told me that she pretty much always had done. Naturally, i'm overjoyed at the thought of turning a lesbian back to the straight side and we started going out. However, once that happened she started using me. All my mates noticed it and tried to tell me, but I was just so glad at being able to see her breasts that I ignored them all. Then came the fake epeleptic fits, and pretending to be an alcoholic to try and get attention. Oh, and the time she pretended to take an overdose. Eventually, after destroying me inside she decided she actally fancied my very best mate in the whole world, and left me for him. Bastards. Total relationship probably lasted about 3 months.

Haven't spoken to either of those cunts in a good couple of years now.

Not that I'm bitter about it or anything.
(PenrhynGwyndaf, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 17:28, Reply)

Ahhh Katie, Spiderman has nothing on you.....
My first proper love was called Katie, we dated for nearly two years (around the age of 11 or 12). She showed me her boobs, I once accidentally prodded her in the back with my erection. We tried putting our tongues in each others mouths but it just felt a bit weird. Ahhh, young love.

When the relationship ended, I was initially heartbroken. Until, that is, I discovered that Katie was missing something very important. Namely a cock. After I was seduced by the dark side she quickly realised she couldn't compete, so we managed to stay friends. She was my first fag hag.

It was as friends that I was able to witness the amazing powers that this woman possesses. In the intervening fifteen years I have seen no less than four of her other ex-boyfriends become gay after dating her. No word of a lie. Four. It's like she has some really wanky super-power.

As a result I now call her 'The Hominator'.

She doesn't like this nickname. She likes it even less when I introduce her as such to someone she fancies.

On the upside I have had half decent flings with at least one of the ex's she used her powers on.

EDIT: For the one person in the world yet to work it out, follow the link if the title of this post makes no sense: www2.b3ta.com/spidermanwillmakeyougay/

EDIT 2: Thinking about it, you could pretty much just read the URL if you're lazy.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 21 Oct 2005, 17:24, Reply)

Seems I peaked too soon...
Emma, both aged 4. We swapped teddies, she moved to the North East.

Her name escapes me now, but aged 5/6 we always used to run slower for each other when playing kiss chase. Shoulder length, curley brown hair. Also moved away.

Hannah - she was 11, I was 12. Not sure if she didn't like me, or just thought I was stalking her.

More or less down hill from there!
(Flumped, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 17:21, Reply)

My first love has got a lot to answer for…
Regardless of several demented crushes (sorry Laura, wherever you are) and an unnatural fixation on Tanya Roberts in Beastmaster, I didn’t actually fall in love till I met Liz. We didn’t hit it off straight away. She was a fundamentalist Christian, I was an atheist. But we dated anyway because at least the arguments were interesting ones. Eighteen months of the usual soppy stuff she dumped me for one of my mates and took half my social circle with it. Bitch.

It was fun though meeting her years later once all the bitter recriminations were dealt with. I got her drunk and took her home where a session of wild monkey sex helped exorcise the last demons from my system.

I don’t regret it though as the time we were together was great and at least I got out while the going was good. A recent conversation with a friend who used to know her went like this:

Me: I saw Liz recently
Mate: How is she?
Me: Remember how she used to be blonde, thin and sexy?
Mate: Yes
Me: She’s still blonde.

…and slowly turning into her mother……
(Mr Evian, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 17:08, Reply)

Ahhh yes!
My first "love" was a girl who I'll call Sophie...as it happens to be her name.

I first met her on the first day of high school and was "in love" with her for many years. We actually went out for 4 weeks in year 7 (aged 12) and she was the first person she snogged, vica versa. Lasted four weeks.

I had some serious (i.e. sex based) GFs between aged 14-16 and everytime I had a GF, Sophie would make advances on me.

When we were 16, I had finally managed to hold down a sterdy relationship with a lass i shall call X (not her real name, would you believe?). Sophie starts making very strong come ons to me and I fall for her. Lasted 6 weeks.... right in the middle of my GCSEs, so I ended up fucking them up. She lost her V-wings to me and promptly dumped me...for someone younger! (apologies for length??}

Anyway, found out that I much preferred just being friends as it wasn't as intense. I think I just wanted to come on her face for 5 years! Which I did! woo me!

Still we're good friends now and I have a proper GF who I am in love with and have been with over 2 years!
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 16:58, Reply)

Supergirl

Anyone else find the chick who played supergirl hot? Although the smaller Krankie made me feel weird, even to this day i'm not sure if it was because it was love or disgust. But back to primary school and it was a girl who was really good looking but now is a really rough lezza, i'm telling my kids to keep away from the good looking women!
(Jock McTavish, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 16:56, Reply)

Well, first relationship that lasted longer than 12 days...
Secretary of my mate's dad (yup, her 28, me a mere 19) going great at first as she had her own place and was, well, reaching her sexual peak. Ahem.

Then I went off to Uni, and the long distanceness brought out her latent insanity. She threw a huge tantrum on the concourse of a packed New Street station (too embarrased to do anything except walk away), she was milimetres away from breaking my housemate's bare foot by stamping on it with her heeled shoe, and often used to bark and pant like a dog - unfortunately not at the times or places when you might appreciate it.

I blame her dad who was a completely twisted motherfucker (obviously) and her mum, neither of whom could stay out of their children's beds. Really unpleasant.

She's happy as Larry now with some guy who's equally intense. Bless 'em I say.

P.S. *Ping* Another cherry bites the dust.
(Brumie, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 16:34, Reply)

Melissa...aaaah Melissa
6 years old, sent round to Melissas house on an errand by my mother. Stayed the day and of all things, got naked with her in a wardrobe...she wanted to do the things that parents do....I hadn't a clue....now I have serious doubts about her Dad....
(essbeenz there done that, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 16:19, Reply)

Looney Tunes
I was at 6th Form, she was called Rebecca. Looked gorgeous, great bod, superb dress sense, but turned out to be as mad as a bag of cut snakes. She wanted to buy a car together and go on holiday, and told me I was "Very Special" after only 2 hours of being together, one wet and windy autumn evening. Took me 2 months of living hell to get out of that relationship - I was a cowardly little weasel back then - she tried to make me jealous by being overly friendly with other guys in my circle of friends, but only succeeded in alienating herself from everyone. I think she's married now with 3 unruly kids and a life's mission to worship 'our lord Jesus' or something.
Either way, I don't look back on that time with fondness.
(LunarJim, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 15:48, Reply)

Ahhh first love
i must have been a couple of hours old, lying screaming in the maternity ward, however in the crib next to me was the most beautiful girl i had ever seen, i mean sure i dint have any motor skills yet but i would have been in there like a greased frenchman if i had the chance.

FOR FUCKS SAKE GET A GRIP WITH ALL THE PRIMARY SCHOOL STORIES THEY ARE BORING AS FUCK.
(Buttoxpillow, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 15:33, Reply)

Unrequited is better
Ignoring primary school crushes which were mostly meaningless, there's only really been one lass who I ever (think) I've loved.
I went over to Germany to visit some a friend i met through an exchange, and am having a great time when she introduces me to her mate. Blonde, absolutely stunning, really funny, got on really well with her. We flirted loads but unfortunately I was attached at the time, and because I'm not a wanker nothing happened.
Haven't seen her for about a year now, still e-mail loads but it's not the same. I can't stop thinking about her, especially because she's one of the only genuinely attractive lasses to fancy me. The worst thing is, I may never go back to the same part of Germany again and (which is even worse) she is going to the USA for a year for a English-learning placement. So am likely to lose her to some Yank. Am still gutted over the whole thing, especially because it all looks like it's going to go to waste.
(The Mysterious ., Fri 21 Oct 2005, 15:19, Reply)

oh the shame
Michael Douglas.
In Romancing the Stone.

I cut out his head from a magazine in a heart shape and had it bluetacked to the wall next to my bed, next to Animal from the Muppets.
(Sameranda, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 15:13, Reply)

first bf..... wanker
went on a camp a few years ago and fell head over heels for the hottest guy on camp. dark, tall, handsome and as fit as a...well he was just really drop dead gorgeous. me being the oblivious one, didn't pick up any of the signals he was apparently throwing at me, so i just carried on, thinking that there was no way such an amazingly hot guy would ever like me.

camp finished and i thought i would never see him again as he's romanian and wasn't planning to move to the uk anytime soon. but no, fate has other plans and we accidently meet at the local flower show/fireworks thing we have every summer in our town. we got talking etc etc and well by the end of the night we were snogging on the steps of the cathedral. he then leaves the next day, taking my heart all the way to romania with him. (...bastard)

yeah we keep in touch over that next year. emails, phone calls, letters u get the picture. everything was so fine, tho time after time he'd say he was coming over to visit me and something would happen...passport problems, he broke his foot...blah blah blah

may, the next year, he then told me he was in the middle of the equivellant to A-levels so he wouldn't be able to keep in quite so much contact as normal. this i thought was fine so i wasn't worried when he hadn't replied to any of my emails or txts for over a month. about this time i had a friend who was in romania at the time visiting his family etc. she came back and told me that the bastard hadn't been doing any exams, he'd been out everynight at clubs and partys etc and she'd also found a condom in his wallet. i promtly phoned up the twat and asked him what the hell was going on. apparently he'd cheated on my with loads of other girls- tho in his defense he was drunk everytime....

so i finished it with him etc etc... but this was all back in may a few years ago. i later found out that he had been seeing another girl since that first september and is still going out with her... and he's always sending emails telling me how much he misses me and loves me. asshole. lets just hope he's reading this and realises he needs to get a life!!


apologies for length... but i needed to clear my throat and get that one off my heaving busom
(lola_fish, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 14:42, Reply)

Hazy memory,
but I was about 5, just started school and her name was Claire. We loved each other, and i decided to show my love to her in the only way i knew how - I found a twig, dipped it in dog shit and wiped it on her jacket.

The school gave me detention for the rest of lunchtime. Funnily enough, we are not together any more.
( wefbhweiufhweiu party, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 14:22, Reply)

Was 16 and so naive
Well..met him on the Saturday. Lost virginity Monday. Condom broke Wednesday. Last saw him Friday.


15 years later, we communicate through the CSA.
(jellyfish, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 14:18, Reply)