Pity the poor millionare
You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll hurl

Some choice quotes:

"Schiff, 46, is facing another kind of jam this year: Paid a lower bonus, he said the $350,000 he earns, enough to put him in the country’s top 1 percent by income, doesn’t cover his family’s private-school tuition, a Kent, Connecticut, summer rental and the upgrade they would like from their 1,200-square- foot Brooklyn duplex. “I feel stuck,” Schiff said. “The New York that I wanted to have is still just beyond my reach.”"

"“People who don’t have money don’t understand the stress,” said Alan Dlugash, a partner at accounting firm Marks Paneth & Shron LLP in New York who specializes in financial planning for the wealthy. “Could you imagine what it’s like to say I got three kids in private school, I have to think about pulling them out? How do you do that?”"

"Still, he sold two motorcycles he didn’t use and called his Porsche 911 Carrera 4S Cabriolet “the Volkswagen of supercars.”"
(MattDP (Squiggle), Fri 2 Mar 2012, 10:42, 2 replies)

An opportunity for a pearoast
Last time we went to Australia for a family wedding, Grandma was determined to come as well. Trouble was Grandma was 94 years old, and hadn't got on too well with the long journey in Economy last time around.

We agreed that she could come, but only if she travelled Business class. We were kinda hoping that we'd get a free upgrade so she wouldn't be travelling alone (and, to be honest, so that we could travel business class for free), but this did not transpire, so we were stuck in the back of the plane with the rest of the uncomfortable mob while she was up in the quiet area in front of the engines slurping complimentary champagne, in her seat-pod that turns into a bed, a telly bigger than the one at home and all that sort of good stuff that makes travelling bearable.

Meanwhile, we are sweating and uncomfortable over the wings, coming up to 20 hours of travel, legs cramped to buggery, necks stiff, having had someone else's seat back in your lap all night; all the joys of Cattle Class. And who should appear for a royal visit but Grandma from business class, looking fresh as a daisy and accompanied by a nice trolley-dolly, presumably there in case the ravening masses in the cheap seats rose up.

Possibly it was lucky that she was accompanied, since after exchanging initial pleasantries I commented how lucky she was to have had a seat that reclined all the way into a bed, since it had been so uncomfortable trying to sleep sitting up.

"Oh well do you know" she says, "I don't really like it when the seat goes right back. So I sat up with my feet on my hand-luggage."

From behind me, I heard an Australian male voice. It said just one word: "Fuck." I couldn't disagree, really.
(richardm, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 10:42, Reply)

Spoilt Students
Around 1999 I was a mature student in London on my way home with a flatmate on a night bus. We were on the upper deck near the front, and in front of us right by the big windsreen were some young students. All the gobbiest one whittered on about was what car his mummy and daddy were getting for him, and how he hoped it wasn't going to be such-&-such a model or whatever colour.

So I grabbed him by the head and smashed him through the window in such a way he fell into the road directly in front of the bus, his head bursting like an over-ripe melon filled with ketchup as the front wheel went over him, his ribcage splintering like an over-cooked rack of lamb and his legs splaying out behind like an over-done spatchcock chicken left out in the sun for too long. Or something.
(Harry Webshiter Spiggley biggley bog., Fri 2 Mar 2012, 10:37, 4 replies)

John Lewis staff braced for bonus cut
Getting on my tits at this precise moment:
www.guardian.co.uk/business/2012/mar/02/john-lewis-staff-bonus-cut

Staff at John Lewis and Waitrose are braced for their first bonus cut in three years as the employee-owned firm shows it is not immune from the economic downturn.

John Lewis Partnership publishes full-year results on Wednesday, when analysts expect it to announce a payout of between 12% and 14% of salary for its 77,000 staff, known as partners.

They were awarded 18% of salary from a bonus pot of £194.5m last year, making this the first reduction since 2009.

---------------------------

I hate 'news' reports like this. The use of the term 'braced' as if they're about to be told they're all being sold off for organ transplants.

It's not as if any of them are losing their jobs, not even as if - shock fucking horror - they're getting no bonus. No, they're 'braced' for the catastrophic news that... Their bonus will be less this year. Not absent, merely less.

I actually find the 'partnership' cooperative aspect of staffing at John Lewis admirable, but 'news' stories like this utterly debase it by making them look like spoilt cunts who didn't get quite as many sweets today as they did yesterday.
(Harry Webshiter Spiggley biggley bog., Fri 2 Mar 2012, 10:27, 8 replies)

Little miss popular…

A few years back, where I used to work, a self obsessed harridan named Ruth had organised a party to celebrate her pending engagement to a wealthy, nice-but-dim chap. Attendance was mandatory.

The soirée was scheduled for a Saturday, On the Thursday, we received the grave news that a well-liked member of our team had suffered a miscarriage. All of us were understandably upset and sympathetic.

With one exception…

“I suppose she won’t be coming to my party then”, Ruth whined. As we stood there open mouthed she continued: “Why do these things always happen to meeee?”
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Fri 2 Mar 2012, 10:26, 1 reply)

My mate's ex-gf faced the ultimate dilemma....
"I don't know whether to get a (Volkswagen) Polo or a pony" she once uttered.

Life is tough
(El_diablo_blanco, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 10:11, Reply)

Rape
FFS women get over it, it doesn't hurt that much.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 10:09, 8 replies)

I was having a hand shandy last night
and I splurged too early so a came over a second rate milf instead of the east European hottie I had been holding out for.

Then the ipad fell off my knees.
(Stephen Fry sucking off Mr. Tea, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 10:05, 2 replies)

The sports team I support
aren't doing very well at the moment.

Someone must answer to this travesty!
(King Nightmare, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 9:45, Reply)

If you want a fancy, shiny degree
You can fucking well pay for it yourself and stop moaning.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 9:42, 10 replies)

Childbirth
FFS women get over it, it doesn't hurt that much.

Plenty of women in the global south have babies without finding it necessary to take massive drugs and then bleat about the pain for the next 20 years when they couldn't even feel the worst of it because they were ripped to the tits on gas and air.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 9:41, 9 replies)

At work, one of the customers was telling some others about her cat, which is about 18 and has cat-cancer.
Most sympathised but one turned to me and quietly said 'I'm not unsympathetic, but my niece has cancer and she's nowhere near as old as that cat!'

What a great luxury, to spend a fortune on cruelly keeping an ancient suffering cat alive.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 9:13, 2 replies)

When you happen to live in a decent country
But other cunts won't let you complain about anything.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 9:08, Reply)

"These child soldiers I ordered are the wrong colour"

(TheColonel, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 9:06, 2 replies)

Sweet feckery
If I find that cunt who keeps putting spoons in the fork section of the cutlery drawer I'm gonna rip his fucking face off.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 9:03, Reply)

Work poo woes
I had a poo at work yesterday and didn't notice someone had sprinkled on the seat and I sat in someone else's wee.
(Rilux might be pregnant and has bum-aids, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 8:53, 6 replies)

I try to over react to petty, minor inconviences in my life but find it rather difficult
especially after going out with a SA girl who told me wonderful horror stories of how she saw a baby get stoned to death or how her family's cleaner was forced to drink petrol and then had her stomache cut open and set fire to by her own family because she worked for white people.

and they're the nicer stories.

Once you get shit like that in your head, everyday worries seem less pressing.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 8:38, 4 replies)

Middle class/professional class women.
Look, love (adopts most patronising voice), divorce is shit. The process is often long, emotional, stressful, technically complex, bitter, involving children who could probably do without any extra emotional scarring, do you really think that including in your costs the £1,000 per month for entertainment expenses and £200 per week for hair and nails should be 'absolutely non-negotiable' . I doubt very much that you would melt like the wicked witch of the west if they could be reduced to a more reasonable level to cement the settlement, then again maybe you will, I'm willing to take that chance.

Edit: Don't get me wrong ,the blokes usually get overly attached to the cars but at least it is a finite cost and is often one of several.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Fri 2 Mar 2012, 8:26, Reply)

This had better win.
How to Install WebM in Ubuntu 10.04-0pQCBng1vJs.webm
from this having used youtube-dl.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 2 Mar 2012, 8:19, Reply)

Where to start...
People who think it's a `natural need` to go on holiday, eat at restaurants, have a car and all that.

The worryingly high number of people that believe `reality` shows, for fucks sake of course it didn't happen like that.

On-Demand services, the ability to catch up on something that was kind of rubbish in the first place, is repeated loads and there are +1's and VHS and all that, Hard Disk recorders.
(Mitchell Gant, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 5:42, 6 replies)

An overheard conversation on my way back from a ski trip some years ago
Person 1: "When you were round last month, did you try out the shower?"

Person 2: "Yes, the one in the west wing."

Person 1: "Oh God, not there! That's the servant's wing!"

Person 2: *General sounds of horror*
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 3:40, Reply)

Petrol - $2.21 per litre
Water - $3.80 per litre ???
I bet its cheaper in africa.
(yourmumonastickwithmintsauce, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 0:51, 12 replies)

Conferences

Next year, at a conference I attend, there will be several consultants who won't make it. Why?

"There's no five-star hotel on the island. My wife simply will not stay in anything less."

Diddums.....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 0:16, 7 replies)

There was a story in this week's "That's Life" magazine about some woman who wants to give her 4yo son a gastric band because she says she's at her wit's end and can't get him to stop scoffing.

Simple answer which none of these retards ever seem to think about - don't buy fucking chocolate and cakes! You're the parent, act like one and take control of your brats, instead of whining about it and expected the bloody world to care.
(Freakmandu, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 0:06, 8 replies)

The Slave Trade
I'll probably get slaughtered for this...

Yes, the Slave Trade was despicable thing, that caused untold suffering to many hundreds of thousands of people. What I don't quite understand is why said descendants feel that they are entitled to a financial handout and apology for something that happened to an ancestor that they never even met, because they are "still suffering the consequences today".

If you look at the family tree of any random human on the planet, you will know doubt find a history that's rich in loss, suffering, death, disease, war, upheaval and violence. It's what made us, it's also the reason we happen to be alive today. It seems to me that these people are essentially arguing that they wish they had never been born. Many of my ancestors were Jews that fled Tsarist Russia to escape persecution. Was their persecution a good thing? No. but I wouldn't be here if it hadn't happened.

Of course we shouldn't ignore the lessons of the past, but there is plenty of bad shit being done to people now, shouldn't this be our focus?
(Nitrous Nitrous, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 23:50, 25 replies)

I work at Foxconn
All the stories you hear are false. We get to have 2 hours rest in our 24 hour work cycle, just enough time to find a corner of the factory floor to close my eyes and eat my government issue pot noodle. I even get paid enough to send money home to my parents so that they can afford power and food.
The honour of being involved in the manufacture of iPods for fat, spoilt Western children so that they can listen to the ear raping stylings of artists like PitBull or Chingy is payment enough though.
(technocore, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 23:45, 1 reply)

Living in the UK
What really pisses me off is people complaining about living in the UK. For example, waiting times at A&E, having to sign on, jobseekers allowance not enough, cost of fags/booze/food, benefits getting cut, police too heavy handed, airport security to heavy, etc, etc!
The UK has one of the best welfare systems in the world, unless you spend all your benefits on skag, you wont starve, kids in the UK are not left to fend for themselves, we have a social safety net to stop that happening and to make sure that the vulnerable are looked after.
Dont believe me, take a trip to Nairobi where life is as cheap as a pack of fags, spend time in sub Sahara Africa, see the welfare system not in action. Travel to the middle east where addiction is treated very differently to the UK, as a matter of fact, go to Saudi in December and try putting up a Christmas Tree, see what reaction you get. What about the health service in Afghanistan?
I am aware that the current government is trying to destroy all of this and make us more like the good old US of A, but come on, the majority of society's ills are self inflicted (drug/alcohol addiction), it is not the fault of the UK.
The UK may not be perfect, the UK may not have all the answers, but at the moment I wouldn't want to live anywhere else.
(Hammy1801 may have scabies!, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 23:38, 18 replies)

This pretty much sums it up
youtu.be/mcdtVD8X1-A
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Thu 1 Mar 2012, 23:21, Reply)

Just turn on your TV...
1) The episode in each series of Masterchef where they wheel in the critics. I realise it's their job to, y'know, criticise food and that, but fuck my shed they react to an undercooked sprout the way most of us would react if we came home to find Nick Griffin and David Starkey bumming our pets in order of size. I remember a couple of years back, one critic moaning out of their slapped-arse face "This sauce is making me really angry". Now, I don't know what makes you really angry - Maybe poverty? Perhaps corruption? Possibly injustice? Whatever it is, you're doing it wrong. What should really get your blood boiling is a free lunch where the ketchup's the wrong colour. That fucking ketchup.
2) Every other advert these days seems to be offering us solutions for the most appalling first-world conditions under which we suffer. "Isn't it annoying when you stop noticing your air-freshener?" Sweet Jesus, sometimes it's so annoying I just want to end it all. "Well now there's a three-in-one air-freshener that changes fragrance every 45 minutes!" Brilliant! Call off the police negotiators, I'm coming down off the roof of my own accord. Now if someone could just add another blade to my razor, I'll release a hostage too.
(costas, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 23:19, 15 replies)